Me, Myself, and My Wasted Time: Juvenile Rehabilitation Edition

July 6, 2023

Dear Diary,

Journal? This stupid thing I’m being forced to do?

Whatever I’m supposed to call it. I am to write the things I am grateful for, like writing about my feelings will somehow make me see that my life is full and happy. Blah, blah, blah. I make fun of people who do things like this, not partake in it myself. It’s fine though, a few stupid entries and I can have my freedom back, talk about something to be grateful for.

I’m definitely not grateful for the juvenile center that thinks a little bit of therapy and crafts will fix my attitude on life. I would’ve preferred a real prison rather than sitting in a circle talking about my feelings. Yuck.

Here’s what I’m grateful for, the food doesn’t suck and it rained today so we didn’t have to do group sports. Nothing is worse than idiots thinking they have any sort of athletic ability. It’s gross, sweaty, and awkward. I much rather leave it to the professionals. I didn’t want to do it, and I don’t have to now. Thank you Mother Nature, you come in clutch when needed.  

July 8, 2023

Me again,

           Apparently, I wasn’t grasping the concept this journal was supposed to provide. Last time I checked, journals are supposed to be private, so kind of sucks that they would invade my privacy like that. What if I had actually put my heart and soul into that? Yeah, right. Anyways, I’m to dig deep here, make a list if I have to, and then reflect. There has to be something meaningful that I’m grateful for. I mean, I thought my appreciation before was real enough but apparently not. 

           I was told to look up the definition, make sense of it. Gratitude is the act of acknowledging the good things that happen, resulting in a state of appreciation of something or someone. I’m not stupid, I knew what the word meant. It just is meaningless when you’re as independent and cunning as I am. There’s nothing to be grateful for when you do what you have to do to survive. Can I be grateful for myself? I’m the reason I’ve been on this earth as long as I have, that has to count for something. They probably wouldn’t like that very much I’m guessing. This is so stupid.

           Okay, just one thing I’m grateful for. It shouldn’t be so hard, but I know everything I say isn’t going to be ‘good enough.’ I think food is great. I have no idea what I would do without pasta or chocolate, but that’s not deep enough. I like headphones, so I don’t have to hear the annoying therapists’ voice (yeah, you, the one invading my privacy). Don’t even get me started on movie theater popcorn, that butter is a godsend.

           If I had to be serious though, which apparently I do, I would say I’m grateful for silence. I shouldn’t need to elaborate on that, so I’m not going to. Read between the lines, kay? I’m not really understanding why people do this willingly, like people pay to talk to some imbecile for an hour. It isn’t cheap either. Do they think this works? I’ll give them props though, it’s an incredible con.  

July 9, 2023

Dude,

You’ve got to be kidding me. “There’s always a why, you just have to look within yourself.” She can’t be serious, does she hear herself talk? She sounds like a fortune cookie, and a stale one at that. No one is that sunshine and rainbows. She probably goes home hating herself, all to wake up and come back to teenagers who couldn’t care less what she had to say. Screw. You.

But I want to leave here, so being an emotional dork is my only option. I said I was grateful for silence, yeah? Growing up the way I did, it doesn’t happen. All you hear is glass shattering, yelling, insults, but never silence. There’s love in the silence. It’s peace. It’s contentment. It’s rare.

Hopefully, that was good enough. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to get out of that. All it did was remind me of my terrible childhood. Great job, bringing up my trauma is definitely the move of a smart and qualified therapist. I’m done, I’m sure I’ll be forced to write some more.

July 12, 2023

Unfortunately I’m still here,

           She gave me a break, because I kind of blew up after my last entry. She said I “earned a break.” What am I? A puppy you’re training to cry on command? She said I was on to phase two though, I’m supposed to pick a time where I felt that peaceful silence I wrote about. Reflect on the good, rather than the bad, like it’s that easy.

           Here goes nothing I guess. My grandma offered that quiet from time to time. She wasn’t like the rest of my family, she was like me. She made me laugh. She made me feel special. No one else mattered when I visited her, and we didn’t even always talk. It was peaceful. She followed my lead, my needs. She saw me without having to say one word to her. I’m sure I’d be a lot worse if I was denied any sort of comfort like that.

           I take it I hit the goal? I’m grateful for my grandma. Gosh, please tell me that’s good enough, because this emotional stuff is nauseating. The people whining about how mommy and daddy suck, how their crush doesn’t like them, or how they don’t like what they see in the mirror. Those people need help, I’m not one of those people. I’m solid. I’m confident, and now I’m transformed because I can feel gratitude. Or at least that’s the idea of it. Yay me.

July 16, 2023

You sick jerks,

           Really? Bringing in my grandma to tell me how proud she is of my progress? I’m not an idiot like the others here. Sure, it was good to see her. Sure, I liked hearing that. It still doesn’t change my mind on the fact that THIS DOESN’T WORK.

           Whatever, I see the point made. The world isn’t all selfish. There’s someone out there for all of us. Someone that truly cares and wants you to succeed. I get it. Okay? You reading that? I get it. Let’s shut up now.

July 19, 2023

Well,

           I’ve learned what I needed to in order to get my ticket out of here apparently. It’s odd to think that tomorrow I will be going home. There was a small celebration for my success I’ve had over these past two weeks. People seem genuinely happy for me. Isn’t that sweet of them?

           I’m excited to see what’s on the outside of these walls again. The world kept going while I was in here, so I’m all but planning how I have to catch up. I’m not alone though, that’s what I was meant to learn here. I guess the therapist isn’t too bad at her job. I’m a little shocked she thinks I’m ready to go home, but I’m not going to complain. That would be stupid.

Anyways, it’s been real. Thanks for everything, cheers to freedom!

July 20, 2023

SIKE!

           You couldn’t think I was serious. Again, this building is full of a bunch of idiots, did they really think that’s all it took to better me? Who cares, I’m out and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

It almost felt poetic to end this journal the way I was forced to start it, one last entry reminding the reader that you’re full of it if you think there is a greater purpose to yourself. My life still isn’t full of sunshine and rainbows simply because I acknowledge one person who isn’t disgusting to be around. The world is dark and full of people who could care less whether you sink or swim. I’ll tell you what life is really like:

Imagine a straight road that stretches for miles and every car isn’t going the same speed. Some are going over 100 miles per hour, others are only going twenty-five, but they are all going in the same direction. That same direction, is leading to their specific wants and desires, and they don’t even slow down enough to see what is in front of them. The people who say they are selfless and honorable are the jerks going more than 200 miles per hour, they’re getting ahead because people are dumb enough to fall for their acts of generosity. News flash, that’s not how life works. It’s all fake, playing a part to get what you need. The minuscule amount of people who are actually considerate of others are the idiots who are carless and standing in the middle of the road, begging the passing cars to stop and help those who can’t help themselves. It’s pathetic and it gets you nowhere. You’d be smart to remember that.

           So farewell, thank you for the mind numbing experience. Hey, maybe something you did sparked a light in me after all. I may still hate the world, but at least I can be appreciative about one more thing. Anything is better than that dump, and I am so grateful I don’t have to see it again. See ya, suckers.