A PSA about Ivory, Gold, and Grey Matters

Submitted into Contest #181 in response to: Write a story that includes someone saying, “Let’s go for a walk.”... view prompt

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Creative Nonfiction Inspirational

The odds are good that you may never have never held nor even seen a genuine ivory trinket in your lifetime, especially if you live outside of Africa. Ivory is seen by many as a relic of a bygone era of cruelty we like to think we’ve risen above.


It wasn’t so long ago, though, that the jetsetters felt otherwise. I see ivory trinkets at least annually, in my capacity as a Guardian and Conservator for elderly clientele with advanced dementia. Ornate hand-held Japanese-style carved fans; bracelets, rings, brooches, pendants; delicately-carved figurines. I have to admit, they are mesmerizingly beautiful, the polished sheen of the well-cared-for ones almost ethereal. 


It is illegal to buy or sell ivory in the United States. You can only keep it in your family or donate it to the US Fish and Wildlife Service for their education programs. In a way, ivory is a true modern-day curse, because your heirs are likewise unable to sell it, and it seems horrible to simply destroy it, given the cruelty of its creation in the first place. 


These items should not exist at all, yet they continue to do so, in a sort of limbo of shame. Debilitated aging is sometimes seen that way, too. "What happens if I start getting dementia?" you might wonder. Let's go for a walk down "memory lane:" together, we can make a better future for the aging process, even with its uncertainty.


One illustrative example of "What happens?" was not my own client: it was a lady I knew beforehand named Babs Fenway. She was one of the first US Postmasters in her small town at a time when most women didn’t work at all. She worked the factories during WW2, as well. Babs had seen a lot. She was a lifetime career gal, never really interested in a husband nor children; the fact that she made her way in the world makes her somewhat unique among peers of her age and socio-economic segment of the population. Babs made out alright, and had a modest Estate to show for it.


Unfortunately, like many these days, Babs had developed cognitive decline in her golden years. Before her formal diagnosis, she was found wandering down the street in her nightgown more than once, confused as to where she was and where she lived. Another hallmark of her decline was that she had alienated friends and neighbors due to her accusations that they were all stealing from her.


Combined with other factors – including a medical evaluation test which yields a figure called a SLUMS score – the indication was that Babs had dementia.


Because she had not previously assigned someone to make medical decisions for her, court-appointed Guardians found her a care home which would give her the stability and care she needed, but – as for most middle-class US citizens – that meant that her home had to be sold, both for practical reasons and also to help pay for her ongoing care. In her condition, Babs would not be able to maintain her residence nor live on her own ever again. A court-appointed Conservator was assigned to this task.


With no close family to consult, a downsizing crew was called in to determine what needed to be sold, donated, destroyed, or set aside to pass on to any remaining family (distant family, in Babs’ case: a professional genealogist was hired to track them down). It is a painstaking job to perform, and no stone is left unturned. Countless hours are spent to ensure that the possessions are appropriately earmarked, since once they are disposed of in one of the aforementioned categories, it is generally too late to undo that action. 


All that is to say, as with our bodies, our homes and lives suffer the accumulation of years. So many forget that, some day, death will sneak up on you, and someone else is going to have to clean up your mess, so to speak. In a way, those who have the financial means and who go on to develop dementia can be in a fortunate place: a discreet professional team can be called in to help take the burden off of the family. In so many cases, particularly post-demise, the family tries to do it themselves, to much vitriol and lifelong family fracture in the end. 


My job is like a treasure hunt and Antiques Road Show combined, most of the time. Though there is often a lot of accumulated clutter, it can be so interesting when you discover a familial jackpot: misplaced stock certificates (inside books or loose papers seems to be a popular storage spot), once-lost valuable jewelry (check your drain traps!), and secret keys to unknown safety deposit boxes (tag and mark, please...) are among just a few of the many forgotten treasures I’ve uncovered in my job, in addition to the exquisite ivory pieces I mentioned at the start of this. 


Then there are the occasional secret Wills that turn up. Those aren’t just a movie plot device: the movies spring from real life.


Of course, there is almost always the issue of clutter, up to and including hoarding, in these situations. You can’t blame the elder, though: there is little you can do for yourself, when you begin to decline. If you aren’t regularly in touch with anyone outside of your own space, you have no insight into your own situation, and it can be hard for you (and your non-local loved ones) to realize just how bad the situation has become.


What is the point of all of this, you might ask? Several suggestions, actually, for those realizing it might be time to think about their own mortality. These will make it easier on your psyche, easier on your family, and could save your Estate an unbelievable amount of money. (You do have an Estate, if you have any accounts, property or possessions at all.) So, even if you don’t think you have a lot, someone someday will have to decide what to do with what you do have. It’s better if it’s you. 


My completely non-legal, non-medical advice – a gift to point you towards a start:


Finance: (Babs' finances were handled by her Conservator (also called "Guardian of the Estate"), due to her dementia.) 

  • It is worth considering putting in place a Power of Attorney for your financial affairs. Ask an attorney for some advice on this: there is something called a Springing Power of Attorney that does not go into effect until and unless you need someone to serve due to your incapacity. 
  • Setting up a Trust is another option for financial peace of mind which an attorney can help navigate. 
  • The least expensive option, you could also directly set up any financial accounts as POD (Pay on Death; closes the account out and issues the balance to your designee) or TOD (Transfer on Death; the account generally stays open, such as in the case of investments, but changes ownership to your designee). 

I leave it to the reader to explore whether and which of these vehicles might be the most situationally advantageous.


Health: (Babs' healthcare decisions were made by her Guardian (also called "Guardian of the Person"), due to her dementia.) 

  • Likewise, there is (by many names, which vary by state) a Medical/Healthcare Power of Attorney which can be implemented. These help give your designee some leverage in the event you might need medical decisions made for you. 
  • A document called a POLST and/or an Advance Directive can relieve so much burden on your loved ones when it comes to an unexpected medical emergency, as well. You never know at what age such an emergency could occur, so this is useful to have for everyone of any age. 

Look into these; you and your loved ones will be glad that you did. 


Death: 

  • Set up a funeral plan. You can prepay for whatever your time-of-death needs will be, whether cremation, fully-blown funeral, or what your preference dictates. Funeral plans are now sold as insurance policies, so don’t let the fact that you have an unknown future destination keep you from checking these out: they are portable and can often be transferred to a new location, should you move. Where I live, a simple cremation policy can be had for around $700. 
  • Either way, keep this information in a secure location with your other legal documents, as well as an up-to-date collection of information you’d like to see in an obituary and/or memorial service, if that is important to you. As someone who lost a loved one and was expected to give the eulogy, this is such a wonderful preventative solution to untold amounts of angst in the midst of grief.

Possessions: 

  • A Will can keep your family close to one another in the event of your death, because undirected assets are the most common cause of family in-fighting and fracture after a loved one dies: I see it time and time again. Perfectly loving siblings at one another’s throats, their good relationship forever ruined by fighting over Mom’s exquisite vintage attire or Dad’s valuable first-editions. This could easily have been prevented by simply setting out your wishes. 
  • If an accord over possessions cannot be reached, an Administrator for your Estate (as appointed by the court, in the absence of a Will) could be forced to sell it all in order to split the proceeds. That could result in decades of family heirlooms being dispersed to the winds forever.


We know so little about the where and when of cognitive decline, and nobody sees an accident nor their final day coming. It’s all about making your wishes clear, so that nobody has to guess: do your loved ones a favor and consider taking care of them before it’s too late.

January 17, 2023 01:04

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56 comments

Susan Catucci
02:14 Jan 26, 2023

What we have here, Sis, is another one of many Kaminski Must Reads. I love how you grab hold of a thought but then elevate it and still make it accessible. Everything about the prose you express here of some harsh realities that most have, or will, experience, is spot on. Frankly, it's a phase of life that isn't often broached. It's not fun, but it's so, so important. Personal and practical meet. This is a tremendous good you do here, Wendy, and so well.

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Wendy Kaminski
02:27 Jan 26, 2023

You sure do my ego some good, sis! :) Thank you: I really appreciate your constant encouragement! It is definitely a difficult topic, but one so worth thinking about, at the very least. <3 to you!

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Hannah K
16:53 Jan 23, 2023

Thank you so much for sharing this. This is great information to have. I've gotten to a point where I'm seeing my own parents get into their elder years. It's a hard thing to watch, and thinking about the inevitable end of life that will come can be so scary and sad, I think there's a tendency to just procrastinate about thinking of it. It's also eye opening to think about one ramification of choosing not to have a family - no one to take care of you as you age, and no one to leave your estate to. In Bab's case, it sounds like she was happy ...

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Wendy Kaminski
17:01 Jan 23, 2023

My pleasure, truly, Hannah - and thank you so much for your kind review! One thing I left out, in the case of people with no family to leave their Estate to: at least in my jurisdiction, the funds are escheated (given) to the state where you live. They will sit there forever, just garnering the state interest, because nobody will ever be able to claim them. So, another good reason to leave it to someone or even a charity of your choosing. :)

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Hannah K
20:18 Jan 23, 2023

Wow! That doesn't sound like a good system. Great motivation to make a will!

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Edward Latham
14:21 Jan 23, 2023

Love the title of this very educational piece! You made it enjoyable to read despite the reminder of our mortality. Think we all better get cracking on a few of these things!

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Wendy Kaminski
14:44 Jan 23, 2023

Thank you, Edward! :) I am glad you enjoyed and found it useful, and also thanks for the compliment about the title! :D

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Rebecca Miles
18:09 Jan 22, 2023

I liked how you packaged this really useful information. You're doing everyone in Reedsy a huge favour giving us a nudge! Starting with Babs and her backstory and the visual intrigue of the ivory, was then an ideal way to lead us into the critical pragmatics. If only all useful info was packaged like this!

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Wendy Kaminski
18:11 Jan 22, 2023

Thank you so much, Rebecca! :) I am so delighted that you enjoyed and appreciated it!

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Stevie Burges
08:53 Jan 22, 2023

This pricked my conscience- I am supposed to sort all this out - but am often too lazy. Thanks for writing it. I’ll need to read it again and then roll up my sleeves!

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Wendy Kaminski
15:45 Jan 22, 2023

Stevie, you made my day! Thanks. :)

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Aeris Walker
19:08 Jan 20, 2023

Hi Wendy! I enjoyed this piece with its blend of history, personal anecdotes, and practical life advice. I feel like this could be easily publishable—maybe in a magazine intended for the elderly or their caretakers. It’s interesting and enjoyable as well as informative. 🙂

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Wendy Kaminski
19:14 Jan 20, 2023

Aeris, thank you so much! I am delighted you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your encouraging comments! :)

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Russell Mickler
02:49 Jan 20, 2023

Wendy, how many stories do you write in a week? Grin - I think I lost count. Isn't this your third? Anyway, is this actually what you do in life? I think it's very poignant. Last week, I was listening to an interview with Prue Leith, a judge on the Great British Baking Show and an author who advocates for gracefully dying. Our culture tends to avoid these kinds of conversations and ideas because they're uncomfortable. I'm a tech guy, and two years ago, I had to help a window decommission a private business held by her husband, who die...

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Wendy Kaminski
03:27 Jan 20, 2023

Thank you, Russell! "who died during a colonoscopy; he was 43" Oh my gosh, that is terrible - especially given what followed. It is so great that you were able to help her out; I'm not sure what I'd do even at 50, if I lost my husband. It would be tough, as we met late in life and all of our finances are separate. At least I got him to finally write up a Will. It still is good to make your spouse your POA, too, so they won't have a difficult time financially while waiting for Probate to go through. - "I had to hack into his systems" !!! You...

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Russell Mickler
16:11 Jan 20, 2023

Pththt - of course PSA was in the title and I glossed over it :) Snort "Hacking into systems" - something I do. It was more like I needed to get access to his workstation and, if you have physical access to an unencrypted Windows PC, you can boot it to another o/s, change a file in Windows to be something else, and reboot. When Windows comes back on, you can access that file from the login screen, giving you access to a command prompt with elevated (Administrator) privileges. From there, I can issue commands to rotate passwords or insert...

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Wendy Kaminski
19:23 Jan 20, 2023

That is fascinating, about the process you have to go through, but in the end can get access unintended by the user. Neat job!

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Graham Kinross
23:17 Jan 19, 2023

This is all too familiar. My parents started talking about all of it years ago. I’ve seen some families torn apart by arguments over not just the will of a dead relative but the care of someone dying, how best to do it, or how it can be done on the cheap. It’s horrible stuff. My gran arranged her own funeral, which was weird but made that bit easier for everyone.

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Wendy Kaminski
23:20 Jan 19, 2023

Amen to that. Sometimes people don't have time to do it, of course, or just thinking about their own mortality would bring them down to a level of despair that may not be worth the advance planning.., but so much respect to those who are willing and able to "climb that mountain." ;)

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Graham Kinross
00:14 Jan 20, 2023

Planning your own funeral means you get to go out like a boss. My gran was played out by Edith Piaf’s No Regrets.

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Wendy Kaminski
00:15 Jan 20, 2023

I love that!!

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Graham Kinross
00:37 Jan 20, 2023

My uncle joked that he wants the Darth Vader theme to play as his coffin is carried into the church.

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N.M. Stech
20:20 Jan 19, 2023

I've grown to very much look forward to your posts, as they are always a rewarding read, and this non-fiction entry did not disappoint! I also admire the work you do: I've been a corporate attorney for 7 years, but I've done a few guardianship matters through the years, and they are definitely emotionally challenging. The advice provided here is excellent, and the writing is still beautiful. I know Suma already beat me to it, but I definitely lingered on the line: "All that is to say, as with our bodies, our homes and lives suffer the accu...

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Wendy Kaminski
21:05 Jan 19, 2023

I am so very flattered, not only at the wonderful review, but thank you for taking the time to read this! It was a little out-there as far as fare, here, and I am always a bit trepidatious. This one wasn't for contest, so I figured maybe some would read it, maybe not, but I think I am going ahead and revising its status, because what's $5 if you can get the word out to those who might need it? Your comments really helped me make that call, so I appreciate you very much! (PS I knew I liked you: I was a corporate paralegal for 12 yrs, so we've...

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19:49 Jan 19, 2023

I admit I don't read a lot of nonfiction so I wasn't sure what to expect when I started this one, but I found it really interesting and well written. Death is such an uncomfortable topic for a lot of people to even think about, never mind to sit and plan the aftermath of their own. But the hard truths of life need to be faced whether we like it or not. You've given such great advice here I'll have to go back and read it again to make sure I absorb it all.

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Wendy Kaminski
21:07 Jan 19, 2023

Brian, that is so heart-warming to read, thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to review and let me know that it was helpful!

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Douglas W. Carr
15:07 Jan 19, 2023

Not to take anything away from your story, or perhaps your own personal experience, but I've often toyed with the idea of writing my own eulogy and assigning the reader in my will. It would be creepy hilarious. Maybe we'll see a Writing Prompt - "Write your own eulogy."

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Wendy Kaminski
15:16 Jan 19, 2023

Hey, I like that idea! I could see a lot of different ways that could go, and definitely if they throw a prompt in and spawn some more thought, I would love to see what people came up with here! Thanks for the comment and the idea/input!

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Suma Jayachandar
06:34 Jan 19, 2023

Hi Wendy, This is an interesting amalgamation of facts, human nature and philosophy. And it works very well as a cautionary tale too. ‘All that is to say, as with our bodies, our homes and lives suffer the accumulation of years.’ - That line is brilliant and rings so true. Thanks for sharing!

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Wendy Kaminski
14:22 Jan 19, 2023

Thank you so much for taking the time to give it a read and leave your thoughts - I really appreciate it, and I am glad you enjoyed it! :)

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04:49 Jan 19, 2023

This is most interesting. Well written. Just as an aside, I have a pair of earrings with matching tiny ivory pendants which has been exquisitely carved into delicate little elephants. Have no idea where they originally came from. You are so right about cognitive decline. My mother had a stroke about three years ago. And seems to have had a number of small ones since this. (She appears to have the start of Dementia resulting from this) I'm waiting for the last one which will take her from us and have had a hard time coming to terms with it. T...

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Wendy Kaminski
04:58 Jan 19, 2023

Thank you, Kaitlyn! I am so sorry to hear about your mom; mine has had several TIAs as well. I do have something that you can put in your arsenal which may help at times when the going is tough, which is from a woman named Teepa Snow who is an incredible speaker on dementia topics. It illustrates a simple way to tell the difference between dementia and age-related memory issues. It's a bit long, and it's paraphrased (her work is on YouTube, worth a listen to help as a family member dealing with this, too), but it's worth it: Sue and Jill g...

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Dan Coglianese
18:43 Jan 18, 2023

Very interesting. A nice aside from all of the fiction. And of course, so well written. I really enjoy everything you write. It's gotten to the point now that I look forward to new submissions from you, like waiting for the next Better Call Saul episode.

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Wendy Kaminski
18:47 Jan 18, 2023

I like your style, that show is awesome! :) Dan, thank you so much! I am always hesitant to post something non-fictional, because while I like it, there are many who come here just for the fiction, and I've seen some disappointed comments in the past. Comments like yours really encourage me to keep going on it! Thank you for the extremely flattering praise. :)

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Martin Ross
18:29 Jan 18, 2023

This would be a terrific article for a gerontological, sociological, or insurance/planning journal/magazine. In fact, I’d urge you to try the AARP member magazine. My sister has specialized in geriatric health and wellbeing, and I think she’d applaud your thorough and crisp counsel here. Bab’s story would make a wonderful sidebar case study or even a poignant piece of fiction. In an expanded version, could you thread the lessons of Bab’s experiences into your bullet points? As companion of sorts to Ghost of the Past as a treatise on the imp...

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Wendy Kaminski
18:41 Jan 18, 2023

Martin, you are just the greatest! 👍❤️ Thank you so much for the constant encouragement... I never thought about an auxiliary posting somewhere! I will absolutely look into AARP. If they accept and pay, I'm buying you a virtual coffee: that would be my first-ever paid gig, and I like that it would be Martin-inspired! :) I love all of your additional ideas, in fact. I have enough word count to make some bullet addendums to the current ones to show what parts go with what. I realize just how lengthy and confusing it can be for the layperson, ...

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BRUCE MARTIN
03:09 Jan 17, 2023

This is very important information and I hope readers listen to your advice. Thank you for this excellent guidance.

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Wendy Kaminski
03:13 Jan 17, 2023

Thank you, Bruce! I’m sure you definitely have some stories about people who failed to do the advanced directives.

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BRUCE MARTIN
03:56 Jan 17, 2023

I do, and it can be very problematic.

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Lily Finch
01:43 Jan 17, 2023

Well said. Bravo! Very comprehensive and quite interesting. Something people definitely need to know about or at least think about. Great job. LF6

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Wendy Kaminski
01:47 Jan 17, 2023

Thank you, Lily! As always. :)

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Lily Finch
01:56 Jan 17, 2023

:)

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Richard E. Gower
23:59 Feb 20, 2023

Hi Wendy, You piqued my curiosity with the mention of ivory, its listed uses and your observation about it being a modern-day curse. Your "limbo of shame" metaphor is particularly astute. Right up until about a hundred years ago, Ivory was also used to make mahjong tiles. Some of those early MJ sets still exist today, passed down from previous generations. I always thought that it was paradoxical that a game that gave so many millions of people so much pleasure was grounded in such savagery and the waste of creatures' lives. I was sadden...

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Wendy Kaminski
00:06 Feb 21, 2023

Thank you, Richard! I thought to introduce the concept that many pianos use actual ivory, the more expensive/heirloom ones, but it is just so pervasive that way, I didn't want to be a complete downer. I didn't realize that the MJ tiles were, as well - that is fascinating! It is strange how many people have lost at least one parent to dementia, if age was otherwise achieved (my own father died at 49, but I'm seeing some slippage in my mother now). I think a plague of sorts is upon us, and we just haven't noticed to the degree we should have...

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Richard E. Gower
00:41 Feb 21, 2023

Wow, my sympathies, 49 is young to go. My Mom died at 92. She had a good long life, but it was very sad to see her deterioration at the end; took about seven years in all from when it first became noticeable. Stay well-:) RG

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Roger Scypion
18:36 Feb 02, 2023

Very informative. Thank you for sharing.

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Wendy Kaminski
20:31 Feb 02, 2023

Thank you for the encouragement!

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23:20 Jan 28, 2023

This is really interesting and helpful! I have a friend (Native American) who inherited some chunks of ivory from his Dad and carved one into an elephant - kind of a really creepy but interesting thing. We have everything in a trust with an estate agency - but I want NO viewing or services and a green burial (not that you need to know this) - ha. My theory is, if you don't value me enough to visit or call or email (whatever) when I'm a live - leave me the hell alone when I'm dead. Anyway - nice job!

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Wendy Kaminski
00:18 Jan 29, 2023

Thanks, Patricia! That is so well set-up, your future plans. I'm glad you are doing the green burial, that is somewhat new and very earth-conscious!

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