The Wishing Coin

“What’s the catch?”

Dave’s father, Jeff, raised his eyebrow.

“Why would there be a catch?”

Dave looked down at a shiny gold coin, some of it still covered in wrapping paper. He held it into the light.

“You said this was a wishing coin?” Dave said, inspecting his 18th birthday gift.

“And?”

“This is either useless or cursed. Why are you giving me this?”

Jeff shrugged.

“If it’s perfectly normal, why don’t you use it? We’re poor. THIS IS CHRISTMAS WRAPPING PAPER!”

Jeff scanned his tiny apartment, taking a deep breath.

 “I have everything I need.”

“Whatever, old man. I’ve seen season 6 of the Lego Ninjago, I know how to deal with an evil wishing thingy.” 

. . .

“GET OFF THE ROAD!” A driver screamed, narrowly avoiding Dave’s bike on the 2-lane highway.

“I HOPE GAS GOES UP 3 MILLION A GALLON YOU PLANET-HATING IDIOTS!” Dave shouted back, though the driver was already in the distance. The road was otherwise deserted, stretching on into the distance. Between the 30-mile uphill bike rides Dave did to get to work and all the hallways in the mall, Dave’s legs were so muscular half his paycheck was spent on new pants. 

Rain began to fall, quickly joined by a blast of thunder. 

“Oh great!” Dave exclaimed, glaring menacingly at the sky that was now blacker than his heart. “I wish you bugged someone else!”

The coin in his pocket warmed. 

“Wha—”

BANG!

A howling gale strong enough to overturn a tank and make the rain fall sideways forced the clouds back from whence they came. No sooner had the clouds vanished over the horizon than the wind died down to a faint summer breeze.

Dave crushed the bike brake, jerking to a stop, dumbfounded. “Uh…BWUH!?”

Everything was normal again. No wind, no storm, no nothing. Dave looked behind him, trying and failing to understand what happened. Had he imagined the wind? It hadn’t even shoved him the slightest, yet had driven the clouds away. Were there even clouds to begin with?

He took a deep breath and held out his coin. His lousy, good-for-nothing cheap birthday present. It was a little warm, but that was expected. In summer, things are often hot.

Dave held the coin as far away from his face as possible, closing his eyes.

“I wish for a fancy new car.”

He waited a few more seconds before opening his eyes. Nothing changed. 

“Stupid coin.” 

As Dave made this retort, sweat from his hand dabbled onto the gold coin, triggering it. 

“Hey, I didn’t mean it—”

BANG!!

There was a little plume of dust as dave got launched back, onto the road. Had that been a little stronger than last time?  

A Lambo was coming down the steep road, but it was going way below the speed limit, which, frankly, was an insult to driving as a whole.

“YO! GRANDMA! WAKEY-WAKEY!” Dave hollered, ringing his bicycle bell. 

The car rolled to a stop a few feet away. To his surprise, there was no grandma inside the car. It was empty. Well, aside from a stack of forms and the keys. Even more to Dave’s surprise, the forms were filled out with his name and someone else’s. Presumably the dealership owner’s. 

He stared back down at the coin.

Dave made some funny noises.

. . .

“What was that?” Bob asked.

“What was what?” Mark replied between mouthfuls of donuts he had stashed in his hat. 

Bob eyed the police cap identical to his own, though his was filled with a copious amount of baked goods. 

“You really ought to eat less of those,” Bob said, forgetting what he was saying.

Mark shrugged, wiping some sprinkles off his mug. “I like fulfilling the tropes. Now, what were you talking about?”

“I thought I heard a rumble—”

VROOOMMM!!

A shiny red car shot blurred past coating the police car and Mark’s donut hoard in enough dirt to build a castle. 

“MY BABIES!” Mark screamed, clutching his cap with an iron grip.

Bob patted him on the shoulder. “We’ll get you some more donuts later. Right now, we need to talk with that road rocket.”

. . .

Dave grinned wildly, going a brisk 100 miles per hour in a 60 mph zone. He glanced in his rearview mirror, mainly to check his hair, before spotting a police car behind him, flashing its lights.

“Ohhh…” Dave groaned, stopping the car and stepping out. The police car came to a halt beside his own.  “Uh… Hello officers?”

According to his ID beneath his badge, which he so kindly showed, the first officer was Bob. “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

“Uh… nope,” Dave said, sweating like mad. 

“Cause we do,” his partner finished, brushing dirt off a baked good and biting into it. “100mph in a 60 mph zone? Who exactly were you trying to impress?”

Dave looked down at the coin in his sweaty hand. “Nobody, I guess.”

Bob inspected Dave. “Hey, aren’t you the clown at the mall? How did you afford this car? We’re going to have to take you to the station.”

Dave smiled, reaching into his car for the papers. Unfortunately, he had left the roof open. By now, those papers were somewhere along the west coast. Dave groaned, looking down.  His eyes locked onto the gold coin in his pocket.

“I wish I could get out of this mess.”

“You and me both, buddy. Now—”

BOOM!!!

The blast shoved Dave headfirst into the car. As he was flailing around, trying to right himself around, he knocked the driver and landed on the gas pedal. Dave looked out the window and saw himself cruising back on the highway. The police were long gone. Every few minutes he checked behind him, waiting for the cops to suddenly appear, chasing after him. By the time he arrived at the mall, the cops still made no sign of appearing. 

“Huh,” Dave said, shrugging and assuming the coin had taken care of everything. 

He arrived at the long bike rack at which he realized getting a Lambo into a bike rack was, um… difficult. So, he left his car at the parking lot, heading into the upper section of the mall, avoiding the tunnels of hallways altogether. The indoor circus where he worked was located next to the highest floor of the parking lot, connected by 2 elevators and only 1 hallway.

It was a nice surprise.

The next thing wasn’t.

“Hello boss—” Dave began, waving toward his boss, the manager of the indoor circus while trying to seem as friendly as possible. 

“I’m going to stop you right there, Dave. You’re fired.” 

“What?”

“Dave, let's be honest here. You’re a terrible clown. You glare at children who get too close, you act much too dignified for a clown, and even now your smile looks like someone photoshopped it on. I’m afraid our circus will have to move in a different direction,” he said, lowering his sunglasses. “A non-failure direction. Have a nice day.”

Dave just sat there, staring. He went right back to his Lambo. So what if he had gotten fired? He never liked that job anyway. Dave ripped the coin out of his pocket. 

“I wish for unimaginable wealth!” He yelled, dropping the coin like a bomb and ducking behind his car. 

Nothing happened. 

“OH COME ON!”

 Dave inspected the coin, thinking back. He had wished for the storm to go away, hadn’t he? That was wish 1. Then he had gotten his Lambo. That was 2. Finally he had escaped from the cops. That was his third and final wish. Dave sighed, getting into his car and starting the engine. 

He cruised through the city mindlessly, trying to figure out what to do next. No wishes. No job. No life. 

Plink!

A young couple tosses a penny into a fountain, making a wish. They tossed it in, waiting until the ripples vanished. Then they left. 

Dave got out of his car and looked into his reflection. He doubted it would work, but he didn’t have many options.

“I wish for infinite wishes.”

Plink!

He waited a few seconds. 

Then a few more.

“Oh well—”

PLOOM!

The fountain erupted, sending a shower of coins onto the sidewalk with a million clinks and shattering the stone.

The gold coin bonked on his head and landed inside his shirt pocket, shimmering in a way almost conceitedly. 

Dave flicked the coin around. 

“Huh. I wish for a million dollars.”

Nothing.

He looked at the water, finally noticing something the aggravated reader knew since the start. 

“You need water, don’t you?”

He set the coin in the puddles forming from the broken fountain, making a wish.

He ducked behind a building.

KA-BLOOIE!

The pavement splintered, covered in a thin layer of gold dust.

Dave scooped up his coin, running away from the scene, not wanting to take responsibility for the destruction of an ancient fountain and a few yards of tar. He checked his phone, looking at his bank account. 

Three cents.

A computer inside the massive bank not a mile from Dave sputtered and flickered, overriding some data and transferring money toward one account in their system. 

Three billion dollars.

Dave went ballistic with joy.

He could buy anything.

He could do anything.

He was unstoppable.

Dave hopped to his feet and bought a 4-story mansion with more rooms than he could count. Much more. He wasn’t very good at counting. 

That day, he bought solid gold wallpaper.

The next day, he bought a few new cars.

Next, he went to all the fanciest restaurants.

After that, he bought whatever he felt like.

By the next year, he had three yachts. 

“Sir, do you really need the world’s largest collection of slippers?” his butler asked as Dave made another order.

“YES, AND YOU’RE FIRED! I’ll get a better butler next time.” Dave screamed. He needed more. It wasn’t enough yet.

By the third year, he had 2 of everything and then some. A rocket ship here, a gold tub there, an entire rollercoaster in his backyard.  Things he would never use, but loved to show off. When he got low on cash, he would make another wish. And another. And another. He had infinite, after all.

“Sir,---”

Dave glared at his new butler.

“Maybe you should go outside?”

Dave looked at himself. He hadn’t been feeling too well the past few days. He couldn’t think anymore. There was nothing left to spend money on. He had some of, if not all of everything. A Walk would do him good.

Dave strolled onto the street in disguise, his 80 bodyguards close behind him. 

Guitar strumming.

Dave spotted a poor, homeless child, playing a broken guitar that had been repaired with junk. He had an awful voice, and nobody paid him attention. They just decided to inspect a cloud in the opposite direction.

Something stirred in Dave’s heart. Something…new.

“Hello there,” Dave said.

“Good day,” the kid replied, tipping the well-loved cap on his head. 

“Are you an orphan?”

The kid shook his head. “My dad’s alive. He’s just in jail.”

Dave frowned.

“Is there something I can do for you?” Dave asked, a little surprised at himself.

The lad chuckled. “Not much, I’m afraid. I just want my dad back.”

“What did he get in jail for?” Dave questioned, feeling drawn toward the story.

“The worst luck imaginable. He was a mechanic, you see. One day, he accidentally let a brand-new Lamborghini out of the garage. He even left the keys in. He tried to catch up with it, but the garage was on a hill, so…” the child shrugged. “He got sued and was put in jail. Now he needs 100 grand to get out. I just have to stay alive until he manages to work that amount off.”

“What color was the car?”

“Huh? Uh…red?” the child guessed.

Dave just sat there, realizing what was happening. He looked around along the street. It was filled with poor people. A lot more than should be normal by any metric. Dave tossed something at the child and rushed away, fast enough that when the kid saw the check for 105,431, he wouldn’t be able to give it back.

“What happened to you?” He asked an older woman he passed. She stopped cutting open a bag of garbage.

The woman only glared at him. “Why do you care?” 

“I might be able to help.”

“Yeah right. Half my entire bank account mysteriously vanished when I went to pay my rent. Of course, I got evicted. Sure I tried going to the police for help, but nooo. They were too ’busy’”

Dave raised an eyebrow. “Busy with what?”

“Talk to them yourself,” she growled.

Dave ran to the police station, shocked to find it overflowing with angry people. 

“I LOST MY ENTIRE REVENUE!” A man screamed, pointing at the bank across the street. “That bank there is stealing money!”

The officer shrugged. “We already investigated it. There is no evidence against them. Some hacker must be taking the money, and we have no clue how to find ‘em.”

Another officer walked into the room, yelling at the crowd to disperse. 

“Bob?” Dave asked, recognizing him.

“Do I know you?” Bob asked with a little concern. 

The officer at the desk walked up to Dave and whispered something in his ear.

“Bob has a severe case of Alzheimer's. He won’t know who you are.”

“When did he get it?” Dave asked, connecting the dots in his mind.

“I remember that bit,” Bob said, interrupting the officer at the desk. “It was…uh…”

“Three and a half years ago. During one of his daily road watches, actually.”

Dave sprinted out the door, his guards struggling to keep up.

He held up his coin and tossed it into a little pouch of water he always kept by his side.

“I’m the cause of all this, aren’t I? I WISH IT ALL AWAY!”

Bang.

There was an explosion.

Then everything went white.

The End.

Come on, did you really think I was going to let the story end like that? Yes? Really? Oh well…

 “What’s the catch?”

Dave raised his eyebrow.

“Why would there be a catch?”

Dave’s son, Mark, looked down at a shiny gold coin, some of it still covered in wrapping paper. He held it into the light.

“You said this was a wishing coin?” Mark said, inspecting his 18th birthday gift.

“And?”

“This is either useless or cursed. Why are you giving me this?”

Dave shrugged.

“If it’s perfectly normal, why don’t you use it? We could be rich! YOU COULD AFFORD TO BUY ME A REAL GIFT!”

Dave scanned his house, taking a deep breath.

 “I have everything I need.”

“Whatever, old man. I’ve seen season 6 of the Lego Ninjago, I know how to deal with an evil wishing thingy.” 

THE END

(For realsies this time)