She is Me

She smelled of coffee and cigarettes. She looked as though she had lived a thousand lives. She spoke as though she were from another time. She was unique and I loved her. Everyone who knew her, wanted to be her. She was kind... and yet, still terrifying. Everyone's perfect person. We died when she did.

I find myself pacing through the rooms of the funeral home. Every room empty, including hers. I was too late. The casket is closed. Do I dare peek inside or will the man glaring behind me forbid it.

I sit and contemplate what I could've done differently. What I could have said...

I find myself trying to place my body in the room we first met. I can smell the hint of her perfume as I close my eyes. I picture her face as I reach out to hand her the coffee she ordered at my shop. I watch her eyes get wide as she realizes she brought her cigarette into a non-smoking area then laugh because she can tell from my eyes I'm not going to berate her.

The images start to get clearer in my mind. My arms move as they did then, the words from my mouth are my own as well... It started feeling real again. I try to say something different but I cannot. I felt programmed. I want to change everything. Tell her that her life was coming to an end. I can feel tears in my eyes but I'm still smiling.

The man behind me coughs. I wake up to realize I'm sitting across the love of my life while she's asleep in a casket.

Dizziness overcomes me and I stumble out of the room, tears in my eyes.

Once I get in my car I realize... I smell like coffee. My hand was still warm from holding her cup.

I need to try again.

My eyes close and I picture the last time I saw her. My apartment on the night of June 14th. She was tipsy from the alcohol, I called her Uber, gave her a kiss good night, and a promise to call in the morning.

It feels real again... her hand on mine as we sit on the couch. I want to beg her to stay the night. To not go in that car. To stay with me. How do I do that? How do I save her?

She gets up, stumbling around. I catch her and reach for my phone.

I can't call. I can't have her leave. I can't have her get into the wrong car again. I can't have the call that her body has been found.

My hand stops. I have to regain control in my body. I look at her and suggest she stay.

Refusal, she never liked to stay at other people's houses... bad sleepover when she was young.

I beg. Happy to hear my voice is my own. She laughs and grabs my phone, starting to dial the Uber. My arms won't move, I'm losing myself again.

She leaves. My eyes open and I'm in my car. The only thing I changed was a conversation.

I will try again and again if I have to... if it's to save her.

Maybe we can try before the mess.

Desperate, I shut my eyes and dream of her birthday. Only a week before...

She loved hiking so I took her on a trail to a field for a picnic. Romantic I guess... We hold hands as the sun begins to set and I can smell the warm air and the flowers beside us. My heart aches to tell her to run away with me. Get married and go on a honeymoon far away.

I hold her. I have missed this more than anything in this world.

Testing my abilities, I move my finger. That works. I tell her how much I love her and how much she really does mean to me.

We sit in silence before I suggest going away. She refuses.

Again, I beg. She laughs and tells me she can't leave her job so suddenly. I tear up and she questions me. How do you tell the person you love the most they're going to die in a week?

My mind is slipping and I wake up, still in the same place I was before. Nothing has changed. Nothing is different. She's still gone and I can't do a thing about it.

Well... I guess there is one thing...

Again. I close my eyes. The first day. Coffee and cigarettes.

Her order is in my hand. Cigarette in hers. She realizes.

This is all to save her, this is all for her. If we never met this would never have happened. I need to get away. I need to run...

I narrow my eyes. I ask her to go outside and put her cigarette out. She apologizes and obeys. I throw her coffee down, burning my hand. Running out of the shop back door as she walks out of the front. My feet don't feel like my own.

This is good bye. I had to keep her safe. She will never be gone from this life if she is not in mine.

I open my eyes to see that I am in my work uniform. My hand burns from the coffee I threw. But she is alive, living her life. I saved her... I had to.

My head is throbbing, but I get out of my car to go to work. I walk in, put on my apron and my hat.

I make an order written on the paper. Someone smells nice, but I ignore it and make the order. I call the name, a beautiful girl walks up to me holding a cigarette in her hand. I don't know what to say, it seems like I'm in a dream. She realizes she's holding her cigarette and I laugh. How could I be mad at someone so perfect?

I stammer as I ask for her number, I need to see her again.

This could be the beginning of something beautiful.