The Fear

“…one…one…two. And press.” I mumble as I reluctantly dial the numbers. My thumb is hovering above the final button.”Come on press…” I feel as if the oxygen level f the room has dropped significantly. I take a couple of deep breaths and look away from the device. My right arm is so stiff; it almost feels detached from the rest of my body. It’s holding the phone, thumb still hovering. I cover my mouth with my other hand and look back down on the phone. I am holding it at a distance, as if my body is naturally repelling it.

Suddenly, The Fear kicks in and takes over my body. From stiff and petrified my arm and fingers become nimble and efficient. I erase the number and put the phone down. I clutch my chest and start panting. One would think I have just finished running a marathon, I am sure.

‘What am I even doing?’ I cradle my head in my hands and exhale. The room is quiet, serene even. The afternoon sun is caressing the curtains. I can see the particles of dust dancing around the air. It feels, like a huge pool of mud and I’m stuck in it. I cannot move. I cannot breath. The Fear is keeping me down here.

I grab the phone and start dialing again. Quickly, before The Fear comes again.

“…one…one..two.” I can feel my muscles getting tense and my thumb being claimed by The Fear again. ‘Don’t think about it. Like ripping a band aid.’ I squeeze my eyes shut and grip my teeth. My thumb escapes and presses the call button. I bite my lip and listen to the repetitive ringing. ‘Too late to back down now.’

One ring… Two… Three… I stand with my eyes widely shut. I don’t want to give the fear the chance to cut me off again. Four… ‘Come on, please pick up!’ Five…

“Hey” her voice is warm and distracting. I need to focus on my goal. I need to make things clear and tell her that I can’t stand this situation any longer. I need to leave.

“Hey, are you busy?” I answer as I feel my heart melt. ‘Focus. This cannot go on. She’s made her choice and now I need to make mine.’

“No. Not for now at least.” she let a little sigh.

I am about to say ‘I wanted to talk to you’. I really am. My mouth is half open. So why is no sound is coming out? ‘Oh, no’ now I see it. The Fear. It never left. It merely hid waiting to strike. And now, it has violently grabbed me by the face. It’s squeezing my jaw and pushing my throat.

“Oh, I need to prepare an order. We are running out of supplies.” she whines a bit as she says it. ”Go on, I’ll do it as we talk.”

Fear interrupted me and I missed my chance for now. I need her divided attention to tell her my decision and if she has to work she definitely won’t give it to me. Like she won’t give me many things.

“How have you been?” I ask instead. My voice is calmer than before. I am relieved, even though I know it is merely an illusion.

‘I have to work until after midnight yesterday.” she lowers her voice a bit. I can tell that she is closing her eyes, even through the phone. She does sound tired.

“Again? I guess that’s the norm now, but still…”The more I speak the more my resolve crumbles. But, I need to tell her. I cannot be her crutch anymore. I shouldn’t drag it.

I consider changing the conversation right now, but my affection takes the better of me and I miss the opportunity. ‘She needs someone to talk to.’ I need to leave, but I still love her. My Love for her interrupts me this time.

We talk and talk, but what needs to be discussed remains silent. I must tell her. She made her choice. She wanted to marry, have a “proper” family and children. She needed a man. And I am not one. She made it clear that she loves me, but I am not her priority. I need to accept this. I need to prioritize myself. But my Love wants me to make sure she is happy. My Love. My Love? Is it really my love that keeps me here? Do I really believe she would be happy without me offering my friendship and sacrificing my soul in the process? As much as I hate to admit it, of course she would. It is not my Love that interrupted me. I was scared of what will happen to me when things change. It was The Fear.

We pause for a moment. ’Now it’s my chance.’ I inhale quickly, ready to take the step.

I open my mouth and… ‘What… what happened?’ My head is blank. Completely blank. All the arguments, the phrases, the words that I had practice for this farewell speech are nowhere to be found. The Fear sneaks up at me yet again and stares me right in the face, sadistically enjoying my pain.

“The baby woke up.” I hear her say. “Hold on a bit while I put him in his park.”

The Fear is now dancing all around me victorious. It is daring me. It knows that it will have plenty of opportunities to stop me know.

I wait as I listen to the cooing noises the baby makes as he is carried by his mom before she comes back to the call. That’s it; I’ll say it right now. Before the baby gets hungry or any other distractions get in the way. I’ll say it.

“Yesterday he saw the neighbours cat when we went out for a walk. He was so excited, you cannot imagine.” I can almost see her smile. She really is happy. I am thinking how I don’t want to ruin this moment right now, as The Fear keeps dancing around me.

We talk about her son and for a few moments, I feel that I am there with them cradling the baby and holding her. But it’s just a mirage. The Fear is trying to trick me again.

“I wanted to tell…” as I finally begin to say it a buzz interrupts me. My heart sinks as The Fear gets ready for the final shot.

“Sorry, it’s him.” she barely ever referred to her husband by his name. “I need to hang up, we are going to his parents place for dinner and his cousins are visiting for the weekend.”

Game over. The Fear will get to be tormenting me for at least 3 more days. We hang up the phone and I sink to the floor, back against the wall.

She made a decision and she stuck to it. She has changed. I on the other hand have not. The Fear has too close of a grip on me. But I need to cut ties. I have to. Because even if the change is scary, the current reality is a torture. Stuck inside a suffocating pool of mud, not being able to breath. Just staring at the particles of dust floating around the room.

Three more days.