Evil Machinations

Submitted into Contest #102 in response to: Start your story with a metaphor about human nature.... view prompt


Funny Fiction Contemporary

Justice is expensive, that’s why we’re saving it.

Ah! Hypocrites! They plotted together, to isolate us, so that we’d believe we’re diminished! I’m sure of it! When we go to the supermarket, they hide the ripe fruits to swap them with green bananas, iron-fortified carrots and concrete apples. In the butcher’s department, they give us steaks that are tough as the sole of my boots and keep the tender pieces for themselves. It’s a conspiracy, I’m sure! The dentist tells them when we’re coming, so we have to purchase new dentures.

They’re trying to convince us we need glasses, it’s insidious! By selling us newspapers and books written in scrambled characters. Even optometrists are involved. Bands of thieves!

They whisper and chew their words. A real scam to make us buy hearing aids! How easy it is to laugh at us so that we get angry, so that we feel bad! As if we had money to spend there. Of course, I put some aside, but that’s no reason to waste it. They won’t dupe me, I’d rather keep my ears open.

And then the stairs… I vowed to figure out their trick. They found a way to raise the stairs a few inches. Enough to trip you up. Those bastards. Even the government is involved. They want to send us to a retirement home, to make us admit that we can no longer live alone.

I’m not alone, I’m with myself. I may be bad company, but it’s the most loyal I’ve ever known. I never left, even when I was yelling at myself. Try to find better. They want us to sell our homes cheaply so they can resell them at a high profit. I won’t be fooled. I’m ashamed of the other old people who say nothing. Real soft cheeses!

They antagonize us, then they claim we’re cranky. I have no more patience to give. The closer we get to the end, the less time we have to waste. I’m alone, my husband kicked the bucket. He chose to die rather than speak out against the stunt. I should have guessed, I have always been the anchor and the mast.

My children denigrate my old-fashioned house. So what? Because the paint hasn’t been refreshed for 30 years? Because I don’t have a smart kitchen? If you’ve got a head and a bit of common sense, you don’t need a smart home, I told them! Because the living room walls are covered with photos of the entire family? Children, grandchildren, nephews, grand-nephews and nieces? A whole bunch of whiny snot noses. They suck on candies that give them sticky lips. I hate this. They piss me off, the kids, they’re just future old folks. One day...pfft...they’ll get it

I should have seen it coming. They started by taking me to their house, they put me in the smallest room, barely bigger than a closet. I couldn’t even bring my dog. The youngest is allergic, they told me. Pff ! Then, they said I was too awkward, apparently I scared the kids. So they moved me to a home for the elderly. A large concrete building with wide windows and endless corridors. “We don’t want you to be alone anymore, at least give it a try.” I pretended to agree. We’ll see how long they’ll keep me.

I still walk, but I limpe a bit, intentionally. It gave them the idea to inflict a funny thing on me with four wheels that I have to push in front of me. For my balance, they tell me. It’s part of the conspiracy. In revenge, I pissed in my bed. With that, I won the jackpot! They installed a sort of pipe in me that ends in a plastic bag. It’s like I’m connected to the sewer. Not a bad invention. I can no longer upset the attendants by wetting the sheets, but I don’t have to look for a place to relieve myself. I’ll find something else to screw with them.

Many residents don’t even move. They remain in their wheelchairs, where the staff have brought them. They don’t say anything, or they just bawl. What a joy not to have a hearing aid. I told them it was an unnecessary expense.

There are some who walk all the time, they go from one chair to another, get up as best they can. They undress in the middle of the room, confusing the comfortable armchair for a toilet. Or they throw their glass of water at those who pass by. No education, these old folks.

Whenever I pointed it out to the employees, they whispered to me “It’s an Alzenhmeir,” “It’s an Alzenhmeir”… What a big family! Can they do anything, then? “But you can become one yourself!" What, they can adopt me? There may be some advantages, I’ll think about it.

And the entertainers! That’s what we call them. They came looking for me to play bingo. Today, I’m next to a sleeping old man. I stole his pages then pretended to have won. I know, I cheated, but it’s the only fun thing about this game.

They wake me up to go to the gym, do circles with my rollator, lift my leg sitting on a chair, my arms raised to the sky. They wanted to send me to a physiotherapist. I told him he was pissing me off. So I groped him. He blushed, but he didn’t dare push me away. I’m sick of being asked to do stuff. Why don’t they leave me alone?

I was placed at the same dining table as those still with their wits. They disgust me, these vain people. If you listen to them, they’ve done it all. Me, I decided to turn a deaf ear and I took out my dentures to clean them with the tip of the knife. So now, I eat alone.

There’s one man that makes me laugh. Every morning he stops by the nurses’ office to be driven to the train station. He wants to visit his fiancée. I told him the trains were on strike, he looked upset.

I finally foiled the plot. I managed to steal the housekeeping guy’s keyring by fondling him. Tonight, I’m out. I even spotted which door I will run away from.

July 15, 2021 17:00

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