I Was Always Planning

The sun shines so brightly, but you make your eyes stay open to acclimate your brain to the new day. You are ready for the beautiful hike ahead of you.

“C’mon Diesel,” I yelled to our crazy, loyal, and loving Rottweiler. He is a regal looking dog. Not one flaw. He was a gift to us for our “empty nest” party. I had never heard of such a thing but we were so grateful for it. Getting together with the neighbors and having fun. It was like medicine for the soul.

Depression had set in so quickly after Jesse left for basic training with the Marines. I kept busy cleaning the house from top to bottom. Packing up all the kids' stuff and rearranging the bedrooms. It looks more like a bed and breakfast now. We will have to go to the Flea Markets and get decor for our empty nest rooms. Ah, there you have it, a Bed and Breakfast named The Empty Nest. I imagine we could make some good money. We will have to contemplate that one.

Four children birthed, raised, and on their way. Can you believe it? We didn’t lose one of them. Which was an actual fear for us both after they were born.

And what a great idea you had, investing in this property. It seems to be a slice of paradise. Do you regret leaving your job? And what about our friends? 

It is laughable to imagine being sorry for our move here. 

Are we going to the waterfalls, today? It rained pretty hard Thursday, do you think the trail will be underwater?

Diesel seems to be showing us the way. He is such a hoot. It is surreal that we have such a wonderful dog. He was just a bit of a puppy when the Pastor handed him to us. The Deacons had blindfolded us before we entered the Church and we were trembling, do you remember? I didn’t know what to think. We had been summoned to the Church without explanation, then blindfolded and led into the sanctuary. There were other people there. I didn’t see any vehicles in the parking lot when we arrived. So, what's going on?

You said that you almost boxed the Pastor in the nose when he bent over to put Diesel on your lap. That would have been quintessentially hilarious. Everyone had been there, it seemed as if the whole town showed up. What a surprise it had been.

What did you find? A frog?  

Oh, that’s not a native frog, is it? No, that is a Pine Barrens Tree frog. Wow! It is so pretty. I wonder what it’s doing in Arkansas? They usually hang out in the Carolina’s, or the New Jersey area. Can you carry him to the house? I can’t wait to call Jesse and tell him about this.  Going to those wildlife conservation night classes in town with Jesse paid off, huh?

I can run to town and get an aquarium for the little angel. And, yes we are keeping him. If we leave him in the wild, he will die. 

Welcome to our crazy family, Mr. Frog.

The hike didn’t go as planned, but that’s life. And, hey we got a new family member. Diesel had even approved of the frog. I named him Lost, but most of the time we just call him “frog”.

What’s on your agenda for today?

Well, since you aren’t sure, why not try a hike? I’ll pack us up a lunch. Really? It’s a Yes? C’mon Diesel, let’s get lunch made.

For our dining pleasure, we will be having peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches, cut diagonally, of course. We will also be serving dill pickles, crafted from your very own cucumber plants. Following the pickles, we will be serving steamed carrots also grown in our garden. For dessert, we will feast on my delightful homemade oatmeal peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies. 

Ha, that made you smile. Was it the carrots or the cookies?

Did you get the water purifier? Good job. 

Off we go. The trail cuts through our pasture. It’s one mile to the river. It’s all flat land after you reach the river, but a steep descent to get there. The path has been cut out of the low brush and that means we will be walking through cobwebs, they are so annoying. They stick to your face and as soon as you get one off the next one is reaching for you. 

Just remember our motto, “NO WHINING”.

I like walking behind you, you are taller and can tear those cobwebs down. Thank you. I still catch a few, but not as many as you. 

Diesel was in the lead with his nose in the air. I’m pretty sure he was having the time of his life. 

Lovely, we are stepping into the pine forest. The Pine trees are my intoxication. They are so tall and majestic. I’m glad that we were able to buy land, the woodcutters in the area were cutting too many pine trees down. Normally I would have no problem with the woodcutters, they work hard. I just don’t want them chopping down all the Pine trees. It would be forgivable if they would reforest when they finish. 

The weatherman said we were going to get rain tomorrow.

I know you are right, the weatherman has been wrong more than he has been right lately. I don’t understand it, years ago you could depend on the forecast. Nowadays you might as well just walk outside and tell your own forecast. I feel for the farmers trying to get their hay dry and put up.  

We are at the river, do you want to have our picnic now? I’ll set out the food if you can get the water filtered for our drinks.

We make a great team. I am so happy that this is our life now. God has been gracious to us. Our beautiful family, our beautiful home, and our beautiful love. 

You must have been hungry, do you want the rest of the cookies?

I am good to go, whenever you are. You are the leader so head’em out cowpoke.

You would rather be on horseback, you say? You are so funny. I have tried to get you to buy a couple of horses. Why now?

Did you get your settlement? Are you kidding me? Oh, my goodness! Congratulations! You did surprise me, and that doesn’t happen, ever. We have been waiting for this settlement. It wasn’t a million dollars, but close enough for me. Maybe next time a certain food chain will inspect their food closer.

I will get on the phone and order our horses when we get back to the house. I will need to go inspect them. Are you okay with that?

What are we waiting for? Let’s go home. The next time we hit this trail, we will be on our new horses. Yeehaa!

Two beautiful appaloosa’s. I have to pinch myself to believe it’s real.

You did a great job talking down the prices. I just wish I were the one going to look at them. I’m sorry that I broke my leg. I could still go, but you’re right, someone needs to stay with our animals. It will take me all day to get around to taking care of them, so I will stay busy. If I need someone to help me, I will call Jeanne. She will be by anyway to pick up her eggs. And, I am going to put the gun on my nightstand, so don’t come sneaking in the house when you get back. I don’t want to shoot you.

Do you have everything? Toothbrush, floss, deodorant, decongestant spray, vitamins, clean underwear?

Put me down, I was just making sure you had everything you need. Please be careful. Text me when you get settled on the train, ok? Oh, don’t forget to take your motion sickness pills. 

You left, suitcase in hand, you head to the airport. Leaving me to live the rest of my life alone. 

All alone. That wasn’t the plan. The plan was that you were to evaluate the appaloosa’s then come home. Come home. Not get on the airplane and die. Not once did we plan that. We never planned on an airplane crash. We never agreed that you would leave me to take care of our beautiful property, our animals and our family alone. What is up with that?

Did you know this was going to happen? Did you have a strange feeling before you boarded the plane? Did you feel a sense of dread as you sat down and buckled yourself in? Were you afraid? Of course, you were. You had to die all alone. I wasn’t there to hold your hand, or kiss your cheek, or stroke your hair. You were alone. All alone. 

I’m not sure how I will go on without you, but I will. One day at a time. I will be strong for our children, one crisis at a time. I will go on, and you will not. I will live and you will not. My heart is broken, torn, mutilated, and yours is not. You gave me your life while you had a life to give. You gave me your song while you had a melody to give. You gave me your light until it was not yours to give. You have given me much, but now no more.

I will miss you.

And now I am alone.