Untethered

Standing in an open field with knee high grass that rustled dryly in the wind stood Tempest Weathers, a woman of just 18. She was staring upon the inky black sky, the stars twinkling startlingly bright against its dark background. Myriads of stars and their patterns were in the sky, illuminating the field around her. The moon, of course, washed her milky white light over the grass and the numerous pine trees that guarded its edges. Tempest was thinking of her mother, or rather getting away from her. The two had shared a strained relationship almost since the beginning. Her mother had always gone on and on about the circumstances of her birth; she had been born to put the family back together. The family had always been on the edge of ruination, but of one another, though their poor financial issues were another thing. Her mother had wanted the family to unite and rejoice of a beautiful birth that was to be the next thing to love collectively and thus their problems would be forgotten all because of a newborn. 

It hadn’t gone quite the way she imagined, what with Tempest’s father kicking her mother out of the house, believing Tempest to be another man’s daughter. Following her own birth was a series of issues that caused the family to break apart even further. That was when her mother legally changed her name from Sela to Tempest. She had wanted to name her something special, it had to have meaning. She chose Sela as her original name as it meant literally ‘Savior’. When it was clear that Sela was not the savior she had desired, she had her name legally changed to Tempest. In literal terms her daughter had been deemed a storm, complete chaos. Her mother envisioned her as someone who had blown in and destroyed everything, even though she had made the conscious decision to create a new life and put upon her the weight of all that she had broken.

The weight of her mother’s decision, paired with her mother’s constant comments of saying she should’ve never been a mother or saying she regrets having any children at all, fell heavy on her shoulders. It hadn’t been her fault for being born after all, that was entirely her mother’s decision. She longed for the day where she could finally make her escape from the woman who had made her feel useless her whole life. And thus she was standing in this field, at past midnight on her 18th birthday. Staring up at the sky above her, she threw a thought out into the void. 

Please. This is all I want.

The stars seemed to twinkle in response, their light seeming to fill the sky with their soft white. They seemed to fill the entire sky at that moment as soft grey clouds gathered around the moon to block her light. The only light came from the stars, shining down on Tempest’s light brown hair, the locks turning a fiery auburn in the glow. She let out a laugh and closed her eyes, a lone tear drifting out of her right eye. “Thank you,” she whispered into the cold night air and the wind blew softly, wrapping her in a rush of damp air. She looked upon the stars once more and smiled for them, the whites of her teeth illuminated in the radiance. At that she focused on the land around her, her eyes calculating the area. Another smile and she began on the journey back home.

Back at the house, Tempest arrived at the back door to the double split house, the moon now free to shed her light was lighting up the redwood porch that held the sliding glass doors that entered into the kitchen. She reached into her pocket for the keys when the door slid open before her.

“Where in the hell have you been?” Her mom’s words knocked against one another in a continuous string, the vocals slurred. Drunk. Tempest thought. 

“I was out,” she said in response, making to walk into the house but was stopped by her mom reaching out and pushing her shoulder backwards.

“What were you doing? Were you having sex young lady? You know how sacred virginity is!!” Her mother’s voice hissed out of her, the flow of anger waking up her alcohol-filled body. A flush of embarrassment and unease floated through Tempest’s body. She had not yet told her mother about her having already lost her virginity months ago, and she was right to. The way her mom talked of virginity was harsh and cold. It was the one thing about her daughter that mattered to her and she knew full well what her mom could be capable of if she told her that she didn’t have that. Born to be the savior of the family and the only reason she was good still was because of how ‘pure’ and ‘innocent’ she was. Lectures that Tempest had heard of time and time again.

“No,” Tempest gritted through her teeth. A rush of feelings was running through her, one after the other until they all jumbled together in a massive blur. Anger, sadness, fear, hate, love, terrified. Her mother’s eyes narrowed then she slapped her across the face, an imprint clear on Tempest’s pale skin. 

“You’re a fucking LIAR!” She screamed then, her eyes bulging out of her head. In the soft light of the moon and stars the pupils looked black, making her appear devil-ish. Tears welled up in Tempest’s eyes, a scream stuck in her throat. Every hateful feeling her mom had ever made her feel she wanted to dish back 10x harder. The feeling of just being nothing, having no direction; no reason to stay alive, she wanted her mom to feel what she’d made her feel her entire life. She stared then at her mother and knew that she wouldn’t do it, knowing exactly why she wouldn’t and couldn’t. She was a coward, something she’d always known about herself. She lived life quietly, keeping to the background and couldn’t speak up for herself ever. 

But something suddenly came over her, all other feelings leaving in a mad rush making her dizzy. Her body quivered, her hands clenched into tight fists as her fingernails dug into her palms. All that was left was anger, anger at the fact the woman who should’ve loved her and nurture her had done nothing of the sort. All she had done to her was manipulation. This was a woman who hadn’t cared about her daughter except for her reason for being born. Tempest hadn’t fulfilled her reason at life and she was made to feel nothing her whole life. She’d made her daughter feel as if she had no purpose in her life except to fix the family, something that couldn’t be done. Not when it wasn’t even her fault for the family being a mess.

“You know what, Mom? I’m leaving, and you are not going to stop me. I have had enough of you and your bullshit. MY WHOLE LIFE...My whole life you made me feel like I was nothing,” Tempest had begun to shout but it was as if she deflated and whispered instead. The anger had gone and left sadness in its place. “I mean that’s not what a mother does. Put all this pressure on one kid that they have to fix the family? When it broke before you were even BORN. I wasn’t the person to break this family, it was you. I know that now, and I know it’s not my problem to fix what you broke, it’s not my job as much as you make it out to be! And I’m done!” Her voice seemed to get sucked up into the night air like it was a vacuum and the only sound left was dead silence. A ring started in her ears, slow and steady until it seemed the seal broke and a bird cry sounded out, a haunting sound to add to the night.

“You’re not going anywhere!” Her mom bellowed, the venom in her voice thick. Just then the scream lodged in Tempest’s throat broke free and it raged out of her in a loud and long howl that was filled with both sadness and anger. Without knowing, her fist was raising and it slammed right into her mom’s gaunt cheek. Her mother fell to the porch with a small thump and suddenly fear stiffened Tempest’s bones. Oh, no. What have I done? She forced herself to move and when she felt a pulse in her mother’s wrist she let out a loud sigh.

“Thank goodness,” she muttered and hefted the small woman in her arms. After putting her on the couch, her mom a crumpled heap of limbs, she raced out the kitchen doors and slammed them behind her. The neighborhood was somehow still quiet, no lights were on in any homes and no voices were heard on the streets. She headed for her car and sat in the driver’s seat for a long moment, taking deep breaths while staring at the back of her old house in the rearview mirror. She smiled to herself; she was going to miss this place afterall. As unhappy as most memories there had been, she truly had loved the fact she had lived in a real house for at least a few years. She started up the car and spun the steering wheel in her hands, heading for anywhere in the world.   

ONE WEEK LATER

Tempest had driven to Vermont and had been living out of her car for the moment. For the time being, she was free and felt happy. She had received angry texts from her mom, one after the other but she felt peace knowing she wouldn’t be able to find her. Finally, she had freedom from her mom. Though the feelings her mom had made her feel still lingered, she knew that some other time she’d make peace with herself. She had asked the universe and received her greatest wish. Asking for self peace wasn’t going to be a big deal.

And so there she stood in the middle of another field, the grass shorter and sweeter smelling this time. In the mingle of the forest were small rounded hills, with mountains looming deep in the background. So large were they that they seemed to take up most of the horizon. The stars above her beamed upon her, their soft light illuminating the dozens of flowers that were blooming among the grassy field. Her eyes were filled with tears, their dark grey color shimmering in the moon and starlit field. A headache thumped through her head but she ignored it as she admired the natural world around her. Her throat seized up as she felt the onslaught of unstoppable tears and soon the landscape turned into an impressionist painting before her eyes. The tears wouldn’t stop, no matter how much she begged them to. Her vision blended the landscape into a mash of white, midnight blue, and a deep violet of the mountains. She wanted to scream, so she let it out of her. It poured forth from her mouth, filling the land before her with its power. The storm that was Tempest raged on for what felt like hours, but had only lasted about a half hour. 

When her throat was ragged and her eyes sandy, then she sat upon the grass and stared upon the billions of stars that dotted the sky. She felt a sense of calm rush over her, a soothing tide after the anger and depressed feelings. She knew that whatever she put forth here tonight, it would come her way. The universe had saved her from the woman who had bore her to be a savior, only to be a storm. And that’s what Tempest was, afterall. She stuck to the shadows but she was fierce. Something had changed in her in the past week. She felt the old her had died the night she left the field back home. Something had taken over. Maybe she accepted her true destiny, her true nature of being a raging and fierce storm, one that was strong and could destroy others with just a breath. 

But in that field in Vermont, she felt a glimmer of the old her, the one that had let her mother’s beliefs weigh her down, making her out to be nothing but a failure. She looked at the stars, and they seemed to hold their breath in anticipation as their light dimmed slightly then shone forth with a fierceness that matched her own. And she knew then that the new her would emerge fully, the old one to rest under the starry field forevermore. 

Please take my mother’s ghost from my mind. Please make me as free as can be.