"Pen Pals"

“Pen” Pals

“The guy is a genius, Matt.”

“How’s that?”

“You’ll see. Watch and learn.”

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Dear Martha,

I hope this letter finds you well. The days become longer and harder here. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of holding you in my arms the day I leave this terrible place.

Love,

Old School

P.S. Could you please put some money on my Commissary Account?

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Dear Sally,

I hope this letter finds you well. The days become longer and harder here. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of holding you in my arms the day I leave this terrible place.

Love,

Old School

P.S. Could you please put some money on my Commissary Account?

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Dear Doris,

I hope this letter finds you well. The days become longer and harder here. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of holding you in my arms the day I leave this terrible place.

Love,

Old School

P.S. Could you please put some money on my Commissary Account?

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“He writes to three different women?”

“That’s right, Matt.”

“And he tells them all the same thing?”

“That’s right, Matt.”

“And they all put money on his account?”

“Yep, that’s the genius part.”

“That’s not right.”

“Oh, you poor stupid little fool. Did you ever see what he has in his locker? Candy bars, cookies, soups, coffee up the butt, chips, soda. Life in the pen ain’t easy, Matt. You gotta’ do what you gotta’ do.”

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Dear Old School,

I can only put $30 on right now. I am so sorry. Things are tight right now as my mother’s medications are so expensive. I too long for the day we can be together.

Love, Martha

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Dear Martha,

I think about you all the time. I’m always telling my cellie how wonderful you are. I see you put $30 on my Commissary Account. Thank you. That won’t go far with the prices here, but everything helps especially since some big, mean guys have been stealing food off my tray in the Chow Hall. So, yeah, I’m pretty much starving all the time. A little more moola would help.

Love,

Old School

P.S. How much longer do you think your mother will live?

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Dear Old School,

Enclosed are the pictures you wanted. I sent some really racey ones like you wanted! You are so naughty!  

Love,

Sally

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“Then he sells the pictures?!”

“Three stamps apiece, Matt. No nudes, but they’re pretty hot.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“Not really, three stamps is the going rate.”

“Geez, that’s not what I meant.”

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Dear Sally,

Could you please send me more pictures of yourself, especially ones in your undies? I want to see your face ( and your hot bod!) whichever way I’m looking in my cell.

 I feel terrible to even ask, but the soles fell off my tennis shoes again. I can get another cheap pair for just $50. The good ones are $100, and they don’t hurt my feet like the cheap ones do, but I can’t expect you to get me the good ones that I would really love to have.

Love,

Old School

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Dear Old School,

I’m so sorry about your health problems. I am so worried about you. Please take care of yourself.

Love, Doris

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Dear Doris,

I miss you so much. I count the days until we can be together again. I only hope my health holds out. They sell vitamins and other healthy stuff at Commissary, but I can’t afford any of it, and I certainly don’t want you to spend any more money on me. But that’s ok. It would probably be better if I just died.

Love,

 Old School

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“You’re not going to Commissary, Matt?”

“Nope, no money.”

“That’s too bad. This place is tough without money on your books. I feel for you. Look, the Master is coming. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to him. I’ll bet he could help you out.”

“Help me out? How?”

“He’s been down a long time. I bet he can suggest some sugar mommas for you.”

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“Yes, Matt, I have had a few wells run dry. I can give you some names and addresses, and you can give them a shot. It’s easier than you think. It’s flattering for them, makes them feel loved, and gives them a purpose in life, you know, helping out the downtrodden. Prisoners are a great cause, Matt.”

“Thanks, Old School.”

“I’ll give you a couple of easy touches to get started. You want them a little naïve, of course, but it also helps if they have a lot of  money.”

“Are the girls pretty?”

“Oh, my God, Matt. You’ve got a lot to learn. You don’t care if it’s Taylor Swift or The Bride of Frankenstein. It’s money on your books. I’ll start you out with Fifi.”

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Dear Fifi,

My friend said you might be lonely. If you send me money, I will like you.

Love,

Matt

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“Oh, my God, Matt, I hope you didn’t send that out!”

“Not yet, Old School.”

“That’s the worst sugar momma letter I’ve ever seen. Let me help you out here.”

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Dear Fifi,

A kind and caring inmate here gave me your name. You may know him. His name is Old School. I am writing to you because I am all alone in this world. My family all got killed in some really bad car accidents, so I hope I can write to you, and that you will write me back. I won’t even ask for money although I could sure use some. My Commissary Account information is enclosed just in case.

Love, Matt

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“See, that’s what’s called going slow. You need to be a little subtle in these matters.”

“You’re the man, Old School.”

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Dear Matt,

If you are a friend of that slimy SOB Old School, drop dead.

-Fifi

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“They’re not all going to be winners, Matt. You win some, you lose some. It’s like mining for gold. You just have to keep plugging away at it. It only costs you the price of a postage stamp. Send out enough of them, and you’ll get a decent return. It’s called flooding the zone.”

“No wonder they call you The Master.”

“And don’t ever send out more than one letter at a time. The damn staff here would get a real kick out of switching a letter into a different envelope. You don’t want a letter to Barb to be going out in an envelope addressed to Susie.”

“But, Old School, I don’t know any Barbs or Susies.”

“Oh, my God, Matt, just one at a time.”

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Dear Martha,

Don’t worry if you can’t send any money this month. My cellie says I can survive on fewer calories if I just don’t move and lie still all day. I guess that’s called a suspended state like they’ll do for astronauts who will travel to a different solar system. I just don’t want you to worry about me.

Love,

Old School

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Dear Sally,

I have lots of good ideas for the house we will build and for our yard with all the flowers. I’d like to send you sketches of all of it, but I can’t afford the drawing paper and those little colored pencils. Oh well, I’ll just have to dream my life away here alone. I just don’t want you to worry about me.

Love,

Old School

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Dear Doris,

I understand how money is so tight for you and your children. Being a single mom must be tough. I know it’s hard for you to support your kids and help me out too. Have you thought about getting a second job? That might take some of the pressure and stress off of you.

Love,

Old School

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“Keep trying, Matt. Eventually, you’ll get a hit.”

“Thanks, Old School.”

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Dear Kitty,

I understand you may be lonely. I am lonely too…and broke. Maybe if you would write to me and send me some money we wouldn’t be lonely, and I wouldn’t be broke.

Love,

Matt

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“Jesus Christ, Matt. That is the second worst sugar momma letter I’ve ever seen. How about this? I’ll write the damn letters for you, and you give me 20% of what they send you.”

“Agreed.”

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My Dearest Louise,

I got your name off the Prison Pen Pal Registry. You must be a good person to try to help lost souls like me.

I just need a friend. Lots of guys do this for the money someone might send, and money would be nice because I go to bed hungry every night, but I just really need to know someone cares. I will thank the Good Lord Every night that there are people like you out in this world. I will pray for you extra hard if you do send some money.

My Commissary Account information is enclosed should the Spirit move you to make a contribution. ($50 is a nice round number.)

Bless you,

Matt

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“Awesome, Old School!”

“That’s what we call the introductory letter, Matt. If money starts to roll in, then you keep sounding more desperate and go for bigger numbers. Lay it on thicker and thicker. If you do it right, they will need you as much as you need them.”

“How many sugar mommas do I need?”

“Three is a good number. If you play it right, you should be rolling in candy, cookies, and pop. If you go bigger than three, it can get pretty confusing. I knew a guy once who had seven, but you gotta’ be damn near a magician to pull that off.”

“Do the women ever catch on?”

“Nope. You just have to be careful. Always keep copies of what you sent out so that you’ll know what you told each one the last time. And never send out more than one letter a day. It’s the Old School way…lucrative and foolproof!”

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Dear Martha,

I signed up for crafts so that I could make beautiful clay pots for you…and maybe crotchet a nice blanket to keep you warm until I return. But I can’t right now because I don’t have enough money on my books. I just wish I could do something for you that would keep me in your mind and heart.

Love,

Old School

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Dear Sally,

I signed up for crafts so that I could make beautiful clay pots for you…and maybe crochet a nice blanket to keep you warm until I return. But I can’t right now because I don’t have enough money on my books. I just wish I could do something for you that would keep me in your mind and heart.

Love,

 Old School

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Dear Doris,

I signed up for crafts so that I could make beautiful clay pots for you…and maybe crochet a nice blanket to keep you warm until I return. But I can’t right now because I don’t have enough money on my books. I just wish I could do something for you that would keep me in your mind and heart.

Love,

Old School

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“What are you smiling about Old School?”

“I just hit a triple working my magic. Big bucks will be rolling in soon.”

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Dear Old School,

Wonderful news! I’m coming to visit you on Saturday, September 9^th! We can spend the whole afternoon together. I am so excited!

Love,

Martha

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Dear Old School,

Wonderful news! I'm coming to visit you on Saturday, September 9^th! We can spend the whole afternoon together. I am so excited!

Love,

Sally

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Dear Old School,

Wonderful news! I’m coming to visit you on Saturday, September 9^th! We can spend the whole afternoon together. I am so excited!

Love,

Doris

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Oh-oh…