Stupid

As I look up into the sky, I find the stars next to the moon. I’m mesmerized. The stars glisten through the dark eternity. I look to the left, and find a full blank circle. Rounded, and no edges. Everybody says, aim for the moon and you’ll at least land on the stars, but why would anybody want to be the moon? The stars have the galaxy. The moon only has the blank space around it. Why would you want to be the single silhouette on that perfectly circled moon?

My thoughts circle back to reality, though my eyes are glued to the shining stars. The thoughts are moving so fast I can barely tell what they are. Sometimes, when I look at something for too long, it becomes blurry. Mostly it's because I start to have tears leaking out of my eyes, but I also travel into such depth of my brain, that I myself am so surprised to find certain thoughts hanging there. Then my recent thoughts drift back in there, and I forget what I was thinking about and why I suddenly feel this certain way. 

Whenever I'm usually alone, whether I'm in my room, or my bathroom, my mind always wanders to the saddest things. Well, maybe not the saddest, but the deepest. Or at least something that makes me feel bad, or sad, or angry, or jealous. All the evil emotions. 

My stomach just drops, and I feel an emotion that I can’t recognize. It always involves crying, that is all I can say. And I hate this. I immediately start crying for no reason, and everything inside me just flips. I could cry an ocean where Christopher Columbus could sail with his whole crew. 

I hate this emotion and that I have this emotion inside me forever. It always includes crying if I'm alone, or I get so mad, that if somebody told me that zombies will attack us, I won’t care. This anger just lasts for a few minutes though. After that, I still end up crying. 

I just need something for my eyes to focus on, like the stars. And then I make my own theories about life, or why I feel this way. The thoughts change though. My brain throws some thoughts into the garbage, and some in the recycling bin. They either circle around my head for a while, just disappear forever, or make step stones leading to new thoughts. 

The new thoughts roll in faster than throwing them away. Some of them only last for a minute, and some of them last forever. I think about everything and anything. The earth. The shape of the Earth. Houses, reality shows, the future. 

I just hope that I never start crying in front of people I know. That is embarrassing. I always wanted myself to be this bold, confident, always-right girl. And now I’m usually embarrassed everyday, regretting saying or doing something every day or crying almost everyday. I’ve turned into this weak cry-baby, that stresses too much over how she looks, or how she dresses.

But I guess we’re all living life for the first time. I try to remind myself that everyday, but it’s hard when everybody is happier that you are (at least on the outside), smarter that you are, and prettier that you are. You just feel so small and stupid, whether you actually even are or not. 

My back starts to itch, as my eyes start to water. I was laying flat on my back on the tall grass, and I could feel some insects crawling over me. So I sat up and gazed into the darkness, returning to my mind.

I think I realize why nighttime makes me dig deeper into my thoughts. It's as dark and empty as my brain. I mean, I know I have so many thoughts floating in there, but my thoughts are like the stars. My intellect is the moon. It's not always a full moon though. 

You know how kids or even adults try to count the stars? Well, that’s impossible. Just like that, it’s impossible to count my thoughts. Sometimes they turn onto a different road, with no idea of where they are going. And that is what I am afraid of. 

Turning onto a road with an unknown destination. You don’t know where you’ll end up. It could be anywhere. A dead end, on top of a mountain, or into the dry desert searching for water. 

And that is what my mind is. A map with no directions. Just different roads that may lead to one place or another. 

My thoughts aren’t all bad though. Usually, they are influenced in proving everybody wrong. I am not as dumb and ugly as you think. But then I think of all the celebrities. Or people who have actually made it. They are still struggling, whether it is inside their head, or outside. That is what scares me. Not finding happiness. 

Because every version of life in the future that I create in my head, it all ends up with me being happy. And then I think, that is a lot of work to get there. Even if I do get there, I will still have problems. That is what bothers me. I want life to be perfect but it isn’t. Everytime I try to make myself stronger, mentally and physically, it backfires. 

For example, I always told myself that I would be that girl who didn’t take crap from anybody. If someone in my family gave me some constructive criticism, I would take it the wrong way and pretend like I don't love them. I act like I don't care about anything. But the truth is, I care about everything. I care too much.

Right now, i’m rearranging my thoughts. Placing them in different bins. Disposing, recycling, composting. I need to clean up. 

I stare up into the face of the moon, and think, I like the stars better.