QRS, Anywhen & Elsewise

May be deemed CIA "conspiracy".

Tim Travers' niece Wanda Spayze had a knack for finding curios on her early morning beach walks around the island: seashells of various shapes & sizes, well-worn colored glass, occasional jewelry, gnarled driftwood, fishing net buoys from Japan, all of which adorned her home. Today at Kahauloa Cove by Lānaʻi Lookout, a wide wine bottle bobbing on the shoals of time caught her eye so between wave sets she waded in to check it out. It was oblong teal glass with thick black wire wound around its neck & a huge cork. When she shook it, something rattled inside so she tucked it in her daypack to explore a nearby tunnel & lava tube, Hālona Blowhole & Beach From Here to Eternity, 1953. 

Maybe there's a message, she mused, or Aladdin's scantily clad genie all blue & gold or Major Nelson's Jeannie in harem pants & crop top. Who first bared her navel on TV: Barbara Eden, Dawn Wells, Cher Sarkisian, Nichelle Nichols or Yvette Mimieux? People still argue about it. For my 3 wishes, I'd ask for infinite wishes, then Peace on Earth & know the Nth-D multiverse is my pearl-popping oyster. 

Thinking it might be valuable, she first took it to a pawn shop. "It looks Persian," the proprietor noted, as he turned it in his hands. "I'll give you $10." She smiled & got it back from him. "$30," he tried, scowling at underestimating her. Now intrigued, she next brought it to HoMA, Honolulu Museum of Art. A curator examined it, concurred that it was Persian, probably from the 4th century A.D. & as the Speyer wine bottle, likely priceless. She urged Wanda to consider donating or negotiating with Museum Procurement. 

Now safely encased in bubble wrap, it went along to show her Archaeoastronomy professor after class. "Oh, my," was the initial reaction, then a long pause. "Wanda, would you mind if I arrange to have this X-rayed? I have a hunch it's much more than it seems." "I sure don't mind, Dr. Hu," she readily agreed & off they trod to the UH Radiology Lab. "We don't know why or how, but there appears to be a pair of tiny oscillating singularities rotating around one another in a powerful magnetic field at the bottom of the bottle," the baffled labtech stated. Unsure of what to add, he shuffled away dazed. 

The 2 women hopped a #6 bus & rode to UH Astronomy's IFA HQ off-campus at 2680 Woodlawn Drive. Its lobby seemed to Wanda like a mini-NASA control room. Monitors fixated on telescopes by the dozens under their purview or displayed crunched volumes of data. Prominent ones tracked live feeds from Hubble & JWST. As Senior Astronomer, Professor Hu enjoyed a corner cubicle with its view of Manoa Public Library. Her workspace, piled high with tests, papers & a few grad student theses, made D'ump's tiny desk look yuge. Wanda didn't notice, since her eye was on all the Archaeoastronomy texts on its shelves. When she lowered her gaze, it came to rest on a Grogu AI bot Hu was tutoring to talk. "Holy Mother of Mongolia!" she uttered. "I had no idea you were this gelid chillin' Kelvin cool!" 

Dr. Hu shooed the bot away & took a dusty old tome from a bookshelf, laid it atop the paper pile & opened its cover. "In ancient times, Zaraθuštra & Ahura Mazda feuded over the basic nature of reality, the former preferring spooky action at a distance, which eventually evolved into quantum mechanics & was proven by Boulder's NIST in 2015, while the latter liked a more natural organic automatic idea, from which we got auto mechanics. To capitalize on his approach, Ahura Mazda developed a rotary turbo Wankel & Renesis crate engine, both with magnetic field components. For his part, Zaraθuštra in Qom Persia focussed on finding existentialist singularities in quantum foam, but adopted rotary & electro-magnetic aspects as well. Voilà, Quantum Rotating Singularities in magnetic fields." 

Hu wizened Yoda-like & spoke, "Serpents in the Force, there are. Gyre and Gimble in the Wabe, they do. At Stonehenge, Giza, Göbekli Tepe, Lhasa, Shangri-la, Angkor Wat, 'Atlantis' off West Cuba, Machu Picchu, K’uk’ulkan & Xibalba, seen I have." Wanda couldn't stop herself, "Bitchin' Karma Chameleon! This keeps gettin' better." Hu continued, "Hark, the cork exudes & cedes its prize." She reached in & withdrew what looked like an ancient garage door opener. "Mythic Quantum Rotating Singularities stir within. Tilt forward to traverse time, backward to reverse, side-to-side to tack & yaw." 

Since "there are no easily delineated limits to science fiction", per Lester del Rey, a few test flights were in order to orient the user & learn some of its other features, like a strap-on gauge showing local universal time, full body suspension massage for long trips & a bubble of atmosphere its outer force field kept while traveling. Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg near the junction of Massachusetts, Connecticut & Rhode Island was chosen, also known as Webster Lake for those with hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia or fear of long words. Unlike tiny Goa India, why did the smallest US state have the longest official name, "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations" until November 2020, inferiority complex? Moving on, a number of boring medical tests were needed: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, pseudohypoparathyroidism, pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism, laryngotracheobronchitis, psychoneuroimmunology, pseudohermaphroditism, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, electroencephalographically, immunoelectrophoretically, floccinaucinihilipilification, hydrochlorofluorocarbon, methionylthreonylthreonylglutaminylarginylminyl... well you get the idea. A 1,001-foot hill in New Zealand called Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenu-akitanatahu tested deinstitutionalization, counterrevolutionaries, factors that would disrupt smooth singularity rotation, incomprehensibilities & supercalifragilisticexpialidocious antidisestablishmentarianism. 

"Dang, if that don't pickle my Corn Pops," she grins lopsidedly, shaking her head. Donning her Wonder Wanda cosplay costume, she cries "ʻio! ʻio! ʻio!", clicks her heels while saying, "There's no place like Betelgeuse!" 3 times, flies back in time to meet QRS makers in Qom Persia & grok the Alexandria Mouseion, visits Tesla Springs CO & Wardenclyffe, then chases Uncle Tim across the vast Cosmos. 

It wasn't too hard for Wanda Spayze to track her uncle Tim Travers in the vastness of the spacetime continuum . All she needed was Timecop's AI bot OK, Skynet's matrix vector & a quantum analysis from CERN, then just surf the eddies of his ion backwash before it settled. It can get pretty rough out there. That's why jet pilots don't take-off or especially land in each other's wakes. She quickly found Tim in the outskirts of our neighbor Messier 31, M31, or NGC 224 Andromeda galaxy, in the company of Wil Wheaton as pre-cadet Wesley Crusher son of Beverly & Bill Mumy as younger Will Robinson son of Maureen. They had arrived from diverse timelines & busily debriefed one another simultaneously at ascending volume, seemingly without pause. 

"I'm glad you're here, Wanda," Tim began, eager to step away from the nattering boys. "I was trying to figure out how to keep these 2 galaxies from colliding in 4.5 billion years." When he saw her expression of exasperation, he added, "Then I learned that TFDR sales spiked, mainly among netizens, & time viewing trended. Soon they'll figure out how to unlock travel features & time tourists will flood the ether. Although I made this mess, no one's in a better position to resolve it." He put his hands on his head & continued across his ship's bridge. "Do you think your galaxy spacing project can spare you time?" her voice dripped with satire. "I mean you only have a super Chronosoar: vortex black wormhole tachyon surfer consisting of a klystron vacuum flux capacitor to tap dark zero-point energy in circuit with twin counter-rotating Tipler torus Lorentzian 4D spacetime manifolds filled with Xerum 525: red mercury, thorium, & beryllium peroxide tied to a laptop with Tempus Fugit, Déjà Viewer app serving as ship's helm & virtual link to CERN & IBM Q providing dimensional access via superconducting transmon qubits." It then dawned on him, "How did you get here?" She filled him in on QRS Quantum Rotating Singularities. 

Since the galaxy dilemma wasn't urgent, they chose to focus on Harvard news that astronomer Avi Loeb estimated 40 centillion ʻOumuamuas had infiltrated the solar system. "I fear there might be a leak in the viewer's memory module, causing chaos in the slipstream, thus attracting an alien armada of repair drones. We'd better get Doctor Who to prescribe an antidote," he fretted on his air guitar. She gave him that look again. "Uncle Tim, sometimes I wonder about you," & shaking her head, reached up & switched a qubit to maybe. 40 centillion extra ʻOumuamuas vanished as if they'd never existed & Avi Loeb was back researching Panspermia, his reputation intact. "Well, that's why I call you my Wonder Wanda," Tim replied. Problems abated or at any rate sedated, Wanda had to get back to class so Tim powered up the Chronosoar & parked in Magic Island's lot, gathering a gaggle of gizmo gawkers. 

While helming his flagship Santa Maria, Columbus may have sailed the ocean blue in Fourteen Hundred & Ninety Two. Video evidence clearly shows the crew aboard the S.S. Minnow put out to sea in Nineteen Hundred & Sixty Three, coincidentally on the morning of November 22nd, for a 3-hour tour from Ala Wai Yacht Harbor, not Pearl Harbor's Rainbow Bay Marina as some said, when allegedly a typhoon appeared out of nowhere. We sci-fi authors must keep comedy screenwriters honest. They don't ever tell you that in the movies to make you think the helmsman, like an airline pilot, is much more than a glorified bus driver. How do you think they work drunk, high on spice or while snoring? 

The Professor's Corollary on Gilligan's Paradox states that, regardless of who was at fault for operating this unlicenced charter boat & failure to notify the US Coast Guard of its route that fateful day, the Minnow could not have found uncharted territory. The fastest charter yachts can do 40+ knots (that’s about 47 miles per hour), but coifed customers like Ginger & Mrs. Howell'd've howled had they done half that. Granted, cyclone winds could have pushed them far, but around O'ahu & into Kāneʻohe Bay? The very notion that Typhoon Wiki blew them to Coconut Island or Moku o Loʻe for 3 years, is patently absurd. Here in Bikini Bottom, our Stairway to Heaven is 3.18 miles from Gilligan's Island (Haʻikū Stairs & Moku o Loʻe). 

According to NOAA, "Once a tropical cyclone reaches maximum sustained winds of 74 miles per hour or higher, it is then classified as a hurricane, typhoon, or tropical cyclone, depending upon where the storm originates in the world. In the North Atlantic, central North Pacific, and eastern North Pacific, the term hurricane is used. The same type of disturbance in the Northwest Pacific is called a typhoon. Meanwhile, in the South Pacific and Indian Ocean, the generic term tropical cyclone is used, regardless of the strength of the wind associated with the weather system." 

Why he never made a name for himself with it is beyond my ken. Roy Hinkley, a high school science teacher with degrees from LSU, UCLA, SMU & TCU planning to pen a book Fun with Ferns? I doubt it. If Ginger is Barbie, then as the most eligible bachelor he must be Ken Foxxx. 2018's The Professor confirms it, where "The F-word and its derivatives are used 46 times." As likeable as he is & able to install cold & hot water indoor plumbing, fix a waterlogged radio, but not repair the boat's hull hole or build a raft able to float 1/3 of a mile stocked with coconuts from all the bamboo & vines on the island, he must be a fraud, or a CIA agent tasked with making Gilligan a 2nd patsy. See JFK's limo turning onto Kalākaua Avenue from Kapahulu heading for the marina in 1963. Wasn't Oswald's wife named Marina, or is that fractal factual coincidence just too insane to contemplate? 

Bob Denver as Willie Gilligan, the hapless first mate of the S.S. Minnow. His first name is given in the pilot episode.

Alan Hale Jr. as Captain Jonas Grumby ("The Skipper"), the captain of the S.S. Minnow

Jim Backus as Thurston Howell III, a Wall Street millionaire

Natalie Schafer as Eunice "Lovey" Howell, Thurston's wife

Tina Louise as Ginger Grant, a Hollywood movie star

Russell Johnson as Professor Roy Hinkley, Ph.D. ("The Professor")

Dawn Wells as Mary Ann Summers, a wholesome farm girl from Winfield, Kansas, who won the trip and tour in a lottery

Charles Maxwell (uncredited) as the voice of the recurring radio announcer

Few people seem to know that the Gilligan's Island pilot episode was shot on November 22nd 1963, the horrible day that President John F. Kennedy was murdered by a cabal of oily mobster assassins, including CIA, FBI, IDF, GOP & VP Johnson's men. At least 4 future POTUSes were in Dallas then. LBJ met with J. Edgar Hoover & oil men at Clint Murchison's house. RMN spoke at a bottlers' convention with Joan Crawford. Skull & Bonesmen GHWB & GWB were there clandestinely. CIA Poppy said he didn't know where he was. Instead of cheerleading at Andover, Shrubya was AWOL, like the 3 days he vanished from campaigning in Iowa when JFK jr was also murdered. The next day, Doctor Who's BBC TV debut was delayed 80 seconds due to JFK death news. The world has been out to sea, off-kilter & time run amok ever since then.