3065

Dear Cadesk Coleson,

I know you have no idea who I am or how I know you exist. I promise there is a very reasonable explanation and if you read down to my signature, you will find it.

I am your long lost uncle. I doubt my brother has ever spoken of me and if he has it must have been very brief without much detail. I left the family when I was eighteen, the age you are now. I left without telling anyone where I was going and never contacted anyone again. It’s no wonder my family would never speak of me again, I disgraced them. I doubt they even miss me. Anytime anyone says brother, does your dad flinch? I wouldn’t think so. I’ve been buried deep into his heart, just like I have buried them.

Luckily, I didn’t leave for nothing. I’ve wanted to share my reasons for leaving so abruptly and secretly, especially to your father, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy. Sadly my time is almost over. Almost as soon as you accept my inheritance, I’ll be gone. I’m sorry we’ll never get to meet but I need you to respond as soon as possible and with a very clear answer of the plan you propose. 

I cannot tell you what you’re accepting until you accept it. I hope you don’t mind this, but there are many steps. Many things you’ll have to do in order to get all the answers. Once you know what you have to do, there is no turning back. You’ll have to do whatever I tell you to in order to get your inheritance. 

What do you say?

Best regards,

Dirkma Coleson

Dear Mr. Coleson,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for reaching out to me. I never expected your letter but I was very pleased to find out I had an uncle. Secondly, I am sorry, but my father never mentioned you. He has never shown any signs of having any siblings, present or past. 

Third off, I’m not entirely sure how to respond. I continue thinking about my choices as I write. I’m not a very comfortable person in any circumstance. I think by accepting your offer my curiosity will be gone but so will my courage. You make your inheritance sound like a death threat or a danger I’d be better off without.

But maybe it’s something I want or something I need. Maybe I won’t have to do anything terrible at all. Either way, I’m not sure what to choose. I would ask you whether you are a risk-taker or not, but I feel I can answer it myself, and I don’t have time to question it.

At the same time, I’m not sure if I can or should trust you. I’ve always had trust issues with everyone, including my parents. Now I know that’s justified as I’ve never heard your name or a sliver of a remark about you. God only knows if my mother knows about you. I’ve thought to myself that trusting a person who might not even be my real uncle is probably not the best idea. I don’t know who you are or what you’re up to. At least I know you’re a real person, there’s no way you’re not. You have to be writing me a letter and I don’t care if you're my uncle or not, if you promise me an inheritance, you’re giving me an inheritance.

So, I’ve come to a conclusion.

I’m going to take your offer.  

Sincerely,

Cadesk Coleson

Dear Mr. Coleson,

A very wise decision, really.

I am sorry no one has ever spoken of me but I think it’s time you know why.

I do not know your father as a brother. I do not know your grandparents as parents. I do not know your girlfriend as a young acquaintance or your brother as a nephew. I am not actually your uncle, your father has never had any siblings. I am, however, in your family; we are very much related. More related than anyone can get. I know your parents as parents. I know your grandparents as grandparents. I know your girlfriend as a girlfriend and your brother as a brother. I know you, most of all. Assume what you want about that for a minute. I am not a brother, not a sister. I am not anyone else you could name other than yourself.

I know you as me. You are me. I am you. My name is not Dirkma, it’s Cadesk. I am sorry to ruin your future and spoil your life’s ending but I can’t do otherwise. I won’t tell you where I am or what the date is, who you marry or if you marry, but I’m about to die and I do not want anything to be left in the wrong hands. I do not trust anyone in your future and I need to give it to you.

You, of course, know that you are currently working on possibly the greatest and most attempted invention of all time but have never been successful. Your time machine will be the first to succeed, but you will keep it a secret. Otherwise, you will become a wonderful and esteemed inventor. You will be loved by everyone, your name well-known across the world. 

That’s why I want you to have it. You deserve to have what you create and use it how you wish. You are the only one I trust with it because I trust myself. Maybe that’s not such a good idea, maybe you don’t trust yourself. But I do.

I am going to visit you soon, just to help you finish the time machine because I know how it works. Then it’s yours to keep. 

Here’s the catch:

I’ll also need you to kill me. 

I am sick, Cadesk. I am sick, and I want to die. You’ll have these exact thoughts when you’re in my place in the future. Just promise me that when I bring you your time machine, you’ll have something ready to kill me. To kill yourself. A gun, a knife, poison, whatever you want. Make it as swift and quick as you can, because remember this will be you someday. Unless of course, you want a gruesome, dramatic death.  I know it’s terrible, but think about how you want to die. Or be murdered, rather. Commit suicide. How would you do it when you’re my age. I want you to do it because it can be ruled as suicide. No one will wonder if I was murdered. I killed myself, whether it is present me or past me or future me. We can pull this off, I promise.

After it’s done, there are instructions for how to use the machine, and I’ve written down all the changes I’ve made and how they work. Read those quickly and bring me back. I’ll set the date so you won't know the year you die in, just don’t look at the screen. Live the life you already are in, ok? Don’t worry about your future. I would advise not visiting it, either. It would be like watching the second half of a movie before the first. And I know you can’t stand spoilers. You’ll never get over that problem.  

I’ll be at your room at midnight, ready to die. Do not respond to this letter, it is no longer safe. Do not freak out. You have to do this, there’s no backing out now. You have to kill me because I cannot do it myself. I don’t have the courage. I’d rather be murdered by a different version of myself than by the one I know best.

I know you wouldn't back out against yourself. Don't let me down.

Your Future Self.

Sorry for any inconvenience. 

***

To Cadesk Coleson

To read on August 23, 3065

From Cadesk Coleson (3048)

Well, it’s your 35th birthday. 

You have ruined your entire life. You told yourself not to visit your future and you did. You sick son of a bismuth. You marry Karla, you have children, you get cancer at the age of 30. You should not have looked at the year you died, but you did. And you know it’s already tomorrow. Tomorrow you’re going to kill yourself. I’m sorry for any inconvenience, maybe you’ve forgotten. But I know past you can’t seem to forget anything. He stepped out of all his comfort and normality and killed someone just to receive an inheritance he shouldn’t have had in the first place and didn’t respect. Past you doesn't deserve what you gave him. You shouldn’t have done it.

But you did. And he did. And now any form of Cadesk, past, present, or future, has not lived a normal life. He was perfectly fine on his own, without knowing anything, wondering about life.

You, I suppose, must think it nice to have some certainty. You may not get much at that with your illness, but at least you know now that you won’t have to worry about it for much longer. You do, however, have to worry about your wife and children. I know you’ll give them more than you gave yourself, and that's good. They’re going to have a rough life without you, I checked. But don’t worry about that at this moment, forget about not worrying about worrying and worry about yourself. You’re about to die.

And I must warn you, it might be painful. But you knew that going into this life would bring some kind of pain, physical or emotional. You get both. 

Just remember that while there will never be a Cadeskolder than 35 and a day, there will always be a younger one. One who had a first day of kindergarten and a first day of high school. One who dated lots of girls and solved lots of math equations. One who graduated college and got married to the love of his life, who had the most wonderful kids there ever has been.

No matter what you do, no matter how you die, there has always been a you and there always will be. Everyone who has ever known you will have those memories, even after you lose them.

I guess sometimes, it’s important to remember that certainty of your past might be more meaningful than certainty of your future.

Live your best final 18 hours,

Cadesk