11 comments
This is where I write excerpts of new stories so I can copy-paste them across platforms. Not for anyone to read.
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"So, who do you think your 100 will be?" Dorro leant over the back of the sofa and whispered into her roommate's ear.
Lana batted her off with a gentle laugh. "How many times have you asked already?"
"I know, I know, but you're getting your list today. They might ask you what kind of man you would prefer to marry."
"It's not the 90s, Dorro." Lana rolled her eyes with an indulgent smile. "They're not going to ask me anything; they'll use the scan."
Dorro ignored her. She grabbed Lan and pulled her of the sofa, dragging her over to the living-room mirror. "Look at yourself, for once. What does this person -" She jabbed at Lana's reflection. " - want in a husband?"
"Rather shallow, aren't we?" Lana scanned her reflection to humour her friend. "For appearances, this person would want a husband who looks so different from her that no-one ever mistakes them for siblings... She's had enough of that."
Dorro chuckled. It was something that often happened to the two of them - not that she objected to it. They were close enough to pass as sisters, as well as having similar appearances.
Lana continued. "An ideal husband would have... Blond hair."
Dorro pointed to Lana's black-almost-blue hair and grinned. "Check."
"Hm... What's the opposite of grey, in eye colours?" Lana turned away from the mirror and hugged her friend, before walking into her bedroom to change. "Anyway. You're making me late for the Interview, Dorro," she commented through the door.
愛
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11 comments
This is quite the sad story. I never knew I would feel for a fish, but here we are.
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I really enjoyed the poetic way this was written. At the beginning, I assumed Joey was human, so it was jarring for me to realize he was a fish! But in a good way; I liked the surprise and the realization at what was going on. You truly have a way with words, and I enjoyed the simplicity of the story line combined with the complexity of the emotions. Wonderful job! Keep writing. Just a note- for the first sentence, I believe you don't capitalize the first word after a semicolon. Some names for you: -Tamara -Charlotte -Cole
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When I read the first line, I thought Maria was a cat. So a story about how a cat and a fish came to be friends was going to be an intriguing one. As it turns out, Maria is a human although one who is very attached to her fish. I kept hoping that fish was not going to end up down the toilet like many fish do, so for me it was a happy ending, even though you were going for sad. Looking forward to reading more stories of yours
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I like this very much.😊 Joey is by far the best little guy ever, and a solid friend. I am hesitant to say it, but he definitely deserved better from Maria and Leo - but he handled it like a champ. I enjoyed your visualisation of their dynamic. Your pushing your Descriptive boundaries which is awesome for growth. I am also a fan about the fact that I connected with Joey's character better than I did his humans. 👍 Please keep writing ❤️
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Thank you! Your comment really made my day 😊. If you could point out your favourite sentence/sentences, it would really help me. :) Please keep writing yourself!
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Your opener was a solid punch at bringing in the drama early.💪 This line had me engaged in completing your story instantly: "She goes out smiling, her nose twitching like it always does when she's excited; She comes back crying, her tears glistening like crystals as they drop from her cheeks." 👍 Then we have this little gem: "Everything is calm. Tranquil. Still. Around me is water, pale blue from the sun's light. Below me is more water, dark and deep. The sea and I are alone, and I feel small. A single star in an infinite void of – emptines...
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Hmm… I’m interested. Not sure about your first line though. It reads like a poem, which I love, but I’m not sure it fits. Of course it’s hard to tell in such a small sample. Keep writing, don’t change it and I’ll check back. Maybe it just feels incomplete and will make better connections once I have more context. Tears clicking is what tripped me up… it’s such a brittle description, very harsh, and tears are not hard. However I like it as poetry, so I do need more to get a good feel for how this is going to play out. With more context it mig...
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Full draft (or possibly full story, I always keep editing until the last moment) uploaded! Changed the 'clicking' in the first sentence to 'shining' (Less original but more accurate). The poetry-ish style can stay, because it's a fish' perspective, so he would tell it differently than humans would. :)
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Nice. With the idea that Joey is a fish, clicking doesn’t work, shining is good. Glimmering, gleaming or glistening would work too. Can’t help but think that this Leo is a real jerk. Fancy not allowing something that means so much to someone you are supposed to love. Love me, love my fish. Thanks for sharing.
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Changed now. They're moving to America (it's set in England), so Leo could be a nice guy.
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Yes good addition, makes it feel more tragic rather than disturbing. Just check this line… “We would come with us…” I think you’ve missed a word there.
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