This Side of Me

I must have looked a mess, red splotchy cheeks, glasses askew, brown hair flying everywhere, but at that moment I didn't care. I ran towards Lewis, my heartbeat hitting rhythm with my steps as I raced towards him. I couldn’t help but grin as I thought about what I was about to do. Of course it was crazy. But so was I. 

Now let's rewind. I have liked this guy since I was thirteen, no joke. Neither of us really had close friends, we were the two kids who just kind of floated through middle school with the popular kids. I was allowed to hang out with them because my sister, Ray, was the coolest person in highschool, and luckily that news trickled down through the siblings and the cool kids in my school let me hang with them because of that.

Lewis was allowed to hang out with them because his brother was a highschool jock. But lump us together and you get the girl with messy brown hair, glasses, and nothing in common with her popular sister but DNA, and the boy whose parents were split up and was useless on any kind of sports field. Perfect tack team right?

But one day things changed. My sister switched schools because apparently she wasn't getting a "good enough education" so that news did NOT bode well for me. The popular kids soon forgot about me and I was replaced with some other girl who could speak two languages.

So what if I'd been sucking at French my entire life? What could she do that I couldn't? Of course when I grumbled about it at home my brother Eli helpfully answered my question. When you've got a brother in grade ten, and a sister in grade twelve, you hear about certain peoples older siblings.

He said that they were a spanish, rich family with a long lineage of good looking people. So maybe she was all that, but I was smart and good at math and...stuff. Okay I’ll admit, I was a bit of a wimpy teen girl. 

Lewis’s side was that his brother broke his leg and missed a championship game, his team lost. His brother lost his reputation, and so did Lewis. We were both kind of lonars after that. Occasionally we would wave to each other or something, but we had never really had a conversation.

One day I was rushing to Science and I saw him sitting on a bench in the hallway, staring blankly at his phone. I stopped, my mind racing. He must have heard me come up because he jumped in surprise and stared at me with his eyes wide.

What should I say?

Finally I stuttered out, "Are you, uh, are you okay?"

I mentally slapped my palm against my forehead. He blinked and seemed surprised, like no one had ever asked him that before.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." He said swallowing. But I could tell he wasn't.

I worked up the nerve to go and sit next to him, taking my hands under my legs to keep from biting my nails. We sat there in silence for a while, both deciding that class was overrated.

I think he just enjoyed having someone who wasn't trying to poke answers out of him. Sometimes you just have to be sad, and that's okay.

After a while he mumbled, "my grandpa." I had never seen him cry before but he looked away breathing heavily. It clicked in my mind, the phone, missing class, that look on his face. I knew that feeling.

"I'm sorry." I said, resting my hand on his knee. I lost my grandma when I was six, it felt like I was being crushed. He nodded. I wasn't sure why but I just started talking. I told him funny stories about my pets, the books I had read, and anything else I could think of. It all just sort of came out, flowing. Why was it so easy to talk to him?

He laughed and joined in eventually, and before we knew the bell rang and we both jumped. I got up to leave but he said, "wait! It's Catrina right?"

"Yeah, but I usually go by Cat."

He nodded.

"And it's Lewis right?"

"Yep, but I usually go by Lewis."

We laughed, it's amazing how much just laughing can help. A pocket of glee in the midst of everything else. I waved at him and rushed away, feeling an unnatural fluttering in my stomach. A blush spread across my face and I couldn't help but smile.

After that, I'll admit, I was a little obsessed. I noticed him everywhere now, in the hallways between classes, the cafeteria, and after school too. I'd see him walking around the mall with a couple of friends. Which weirdly made me want to hide. I didn't exactly know what the feeling was, but it felt...murky. Ugh, was I becoming one of those girls? It's not like I wanted to fall head over heels for some guy, I just felt like I could relate to Lewis. Maybe it was that his parents were split up, or maybe it was because he was always kind of stuck in the middle like me. Or maybe I just liked him. 

We ended up spending a lot of time together, which my brother teased me about immensely, but it wasn’t like that. Sure his eyes twinkle when he smiled, and sure he had the most cool hair, with his chopped bangs and his- ugh I was doing it again. I told myself I wouldn't do it again. Not after last time. 

I was ten and had just started fifth grade and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Confident. I told this guy I liked him and...he literally shoved me away. I told myself I was never going to give my heart up to someone ever again. 

But then Lewis came along and I think I might be willing again? Sigh. Why was it so easy for some people? You like a guy, you date him, and boom happy couple. But It took me years to finally realise I liked Lewis that way. 

And then Lewis was leaving. And it broke me. When you have such a fragile heart, you know you wouldn’t just fall for anybody. You know it must be real because you wouldn't accidentally break your heart if it wasn’t. 

I was there the whole time, helping him pack, planning a going away party, but the whole time I was holding back my tears. Of course he just thought of me as a friend. Good old Cat. Everyday I imagined myself romantically talking to him, telling him I loved him, he would smile and then kiss me, telling me he would never leave me. 

But that wasn’t me. I didn’t have a perfect answer, or the perfect moment. I was crooked, and stubborn. I had ugly hair and my clothes were always wrinkled. I always helped other people and never really thought about myself. 

It was a cold January night. I was lying in bed tossing and turning thinking about what it would be like to lose Lewis. My first and closest friend. Crazy thoughts popped into my head and I squashed it before it could take root. This was insane, it would ruin everything if I… if he... No. Never. But then again this would be my last chance to do it. 

And if he pushed me away, I would know. 

For the next few days I avoided my craziness. Because seriously why? And why was I so darn persistent? I couldn’t let it sit.

But then Lewis was gone. I had said a lame goodbye, and now it was over. 

I hid in my room mostly after that. Feeling angry at myself. Why was I such a coward? I tried to clean my room, distract myself while scrubbing away my tears. And then one day I heard someone knock at the door. Grumbling I yelled at my parents to get it but they were both out so I straightened myself out and pulled open the door. It was Lily, Lewis’s mom. I raised my eyes in alarm and laughed, ushering her inside. This was so out of the ordinary. 

She looked me in the eyes and said, “Cat, Lewis felt bad about the way things ended, he wanted to say something to you, I’m not sure what, something that he said was apparently ‘really important'’”. I was out the door before she finished. 

Since when did I ever get the perfect ending? What is this craziness? But I couldn't help but smile. I grinned and ran down our driveway to see Lewis waiting at the bottom. He looked up at me and smiled sheepishly. As I got closer he stuttered out, 

“Cat, I know that this might make things awkward I just-” 

I laughed and collided with him. He staggered back and caught me,

“Cat?” 

I looked him in the eyes and smiled at his blushed face and blue eyes. I tipped my toes up and kissed him square on the lips. A million thoughts and emotions swirled in my head, but the biggest one was relief.  

We stood there and giggled, laughing and kissing as the sun set and then we said goodbye, I waved at him and the knot that had been in my stomach for so long unraveled.  

I think I have a pretty good idea of love. His name is Lewis.