THE AWKWARDLY SARCASTIC JOB INTERVIEW

"Hi Kevin! Thanks for meeting with me today. Looking forward to getting to know you better and seeing if your background is an optimal fit for the position of Training Manager."

"Hi Tom! Thanks for taking the time to meet with me as well. When I saw your job posting at www.lotsofjobsyoumaybeoverqualifiedfor.com, I jumped at the chance to send you my resume outlining my 42 years of professional career qualifications that will most likely cause you to feel that the only job I'm really qualified for is yours. Hope the 8 page Word document grabbed your attention. Obviously it did, because here we are."

"Right you are! In fact, we like mature people to work for our organization. When I realized that you had 42 years of experience in various industries, my first thought was that you either got bored easily, saw through the lack of leadership and bailed, or found a job that paid better to support you and your family. By the way, nice hair color -- the gray hair look is quite handsome on you, if I may be bold. Hope that didn't sound creepy."

"Appreciate you noticing I'm mature, although there are days that the concept of adulting causes me to withdraw into my man cave and play with my vast collection of diecast cars. Hard to believe I just turned 60 a few months ago. Some people have said that I don't look my age, as they think I'm much older. Nonetheless, you didn't bring me in to interview for a management role by going down the age path. By the way, happily married to a gorgeous redhead for more than 35 years. If you want to come across creepy, just talk like Jack Nicholson as you interview me."

"Really like your sense of humor, Kevin. Looking forward to digging into your background and seeing if your past performance will truly dictate your future behavior if you are picked to be our new Training Manager. Before we get started, what questions do you have of me?"

"Do the questions have to be related to the job at hand or simply any random question? You see, I take things quite literally and that was an opening to go down a rabbit hole that even Alice couldn't get out of. I do have a prepared statement as to what I've done in researching your company. I like to do due diligence or else I'd do myself in by not doing considerable preparation. Do you want to hear about my preparation or do you want to just jump into the interview?"

"You truly have quite a robust sense of humor. In fact, you're about as funny as a rubber commode handle on a child's potty chair. No need to worry about a prepared statement, as you're not testifying to some governmental subcommittee about banking or social media monopolies. Shall we get started with the formal interview?"

"Yes, that would be great. Is this one of those performance-based interviews where you are going to ask me a question and I have to come up with a situation, what happened, what did I do, what did they do, did anyone step in doo, and what the outcome was? If so, fire away, because I have a photographic memory and can regale you with experiences as though I were telling the story on Reedsy.com."

"That's correct! Shame this isn't a game show or I'd give you a prize for that response. Nonetheless, be as detailed as you can, but do so in a concise and succinct manner. As you're sharing your situation and additional dialogue, I'll be taking notes on a Word document, so please don't be offended if I'm not making eye contact or feel that what you're saying is unimportant, though it may be, as I'm just going through the motions. This allows me to keep my thoughts organized. How does that work for you?"

"Awesome! Go ahead and fire away with the first question."

"Kevin, tell me about your first job. What was it, where was it, how much were you paid, what did you like about it, and why did you leave?"

"My first job was vehicle detailer for a local national chain of auto body paint shops where a customer could bring in any vehicle and get it painted for $29.95. The job was in Riverside, CA, about 4 miles from home. I liked the job because I love cars and trucks, almost to the point of being a fetish. It was cool to see rusted and primered cars and trucks come in and come out with fresh paint all over. My job was to remove the oversprayed paint from tires, windows, chrome, and occasionally the seats due to sloppy masking by the prep team. My pay was $20 a week and I worked 4 days a week, always after school. I left because my dad said that I could make more money working in a gas station."

"Outstanding example -- thank you for sharing. Here's the next question. Tell me about a time when you had to speak in front of a large group of people. What was the event, who was in attendance, what did you wear, and how long did you talk?"

"Oh gosh, Tom, you may need to give me a day or so on that one, as so many experiences are running around in my mind. Okay, here's the best one. I was a product champion for a call-in information service that was provided by the telephone company and printed and marketed through their yellow pages directories. In fact, I was the #1 salesperson for this product, so my boss's boss asked me to give a presentation as to how I sold these spots. The event was a large sales meeting that had approximately 100 in attendance. I wore a navy blue pinstripe suit, white shirt, red tie, and black wingtip shoes. As for the length of time I talked through my presentation, it was approximately 30 minutes. When I was finished, the applause was deafening, as they were either cheering for the knowledge imparted upon them or it was because I was finally done talking."

"Great example. That's what I'm really looking for is someone who can keep an audience captivated, motivated, twitterpated, and yet not exasperated. We're in the home stretch of the interview, as this is the next to the last question. Ready?"

"Sure, have at it."

"Kevin, tell me about the best salary offer you ever had. Tell me how much, did you get bonuses, how did you find the job, did you accept the offer, and why did you leave, because chances are we won't pay anything close to what you're going to share in this interview."

"That's an easy one, Tom. In fall 2008, a headhunter from North Carolina called me at my office in Oregon to tell me about a general sales manager position in Washington. After that initial call, then a phone interview with the prospective employer, then a trip to their offices, then schmoozing at their company's expense to wine me and dine me, I was offered a starting salary of $10,000 per month for the first 90 days, then it would go to $6,750 per month with a lucrative bonus program. All I had to do was takeover a large metropolitan market and have my team sell a lot of yellow pages advertising. I accepted the position and started two weeks later. I left because the 'great recession' was starting to rear its ugly head and the majority of advertisers didn't renew their contracts to advertise. That said, my salary offer after the first 90 days got reduced even worse than originally agreed upon, plus the owner was a hot-tempered tyrant who defied the boundaries of social graces and human resources departments."

"Yep, I was right -- we're not anywhere close to that. By the way, did any other company come close to that pay?"

"Nowhere near that. My pay bounced around worse than a tennis ball in a tournament."

"Like that sense of humor! Okay, Kevin, just one last question and then I'll turn the floor over to you. How's that sound?"

"Interesting. How are you going to turn the floor over to me? That seems like a herculean feat!"

"Very amusing! I should have seen that response coming. Has anyone ever told you they can read you like a book?"

"Oh gosh, yes. They even add on that they'd like to shut me up the same way."

"Nice comeback! I'll have to remember that. Okay, time to get serious again. Here's your last interview question. Share with me what your typical workday looks like. What time do you get up, what's your morning routine, do you drink coffee and how much, how do you dress, and how do you hold yourself accountable for what's on your daily calendar?"

"Great question, Tom. I get up anywhere between 4:30AM and 6:30AM, depending how my bladder and sphincter are doing. Once that's done, I'll head to the kitchen and put on a 6-cups pot of Yuban or Maxwell House, stand and wait for it to brew while perusing news on the web. Once that's done, I'll head into my home office because my current employer is mandating working from home for approximately 80% of us. As for what I wear, that sometimes depends what I slept in. Eventually I'll get a shower, as some of my calls require me to be at my best, so I'll dress up for an audio meeting. By doing this helps me to feel more confident and empowered. As for holding myself accountable, I find various tasks to do, regardless if I have appointments or not. After I put in my 8 hours, I'll clock out and go to happy hour in the kitchen."

"Those were all great responses, Kevin. Thank you for being so candid in your candor. I like someone who's honest and transparent and can speak openly and effectively. Personally, I'm not going to worry about any other additional interviews. In fact, with your many decades of work experience, I'd like to ask what you think about being the executive leading human resources? We'd pay you exactly what you're making now, yet with no overtime, and you'd have a team of people under you to support you in your job."

"Tom, that sounds like a great offer. Just need to clarify how many people would be supporting me, as you can tell my 76 inches of height and 240 pounds of defined fat cells with some upper body definition, so it would take about 6 people to carry me around in support. So what would my job entail as the executive leading human resources?"

"I won't bore you with a long job description when an abbreviated description will do. Basically, you'd ensure our company policies and procedures were adhered to by all in the company, from the C-suite to the lowest paid person in the company we expect a lot out of. Still interested?"

"Indeed I am! Sounds like an optimal fit. When would you like me to start?"

"If you could give your current employer two weeks notice, we'll start you on February 1st. In fact, because you made your decision today and taking on a higher level position than what you originally came in here for, we're going to give you a $3,000 signing bonus, post-tax, of course."

"Tom, this sounds great! Looking forward to the opportunity to joining you here at Ketchum & Cheatham. See you on February 1st."

"Here's my card. Reach out if you have any questions, comments, concerns, thoughts, anecdotes, or outbursts of emotions. Have a great day and talk soon."