The Rat of Justice in a Pioneer Adventure

      Sometime in the distant past, long before TV and infomercials:

           “Save us, Sir Squeaksalot!” cry the mice. “We don’t want to be served with a side of mashed potatoes!”

           “Oh, don’t worry, my tasty little morsels,” cackles Hisstopher Meowlumbus. “You can be served with fries instead!”

           “I shall protect you, my rodent brethren!” cries Sir Squeaksalot.

           Sir Squeaksalot charges at Hisstopher Meowlumbus, bearing his sacred cheese sword. But the feline fiend easily bats it away and catches him by the tail.

           “You know,” says Hisstopher, “I’m so glad that I discovered this great land of Purrmerica. It shall become a new nation called the USF (United States of Felinehood). And what better way to celebrate this momentous occasion than by having the very first Meowsgiving dinner? We shall make all kinds of tasty treats. Mouse kabobs, sweet n sour popcorn rodent, double decker rat burgers, Rat a Roni pasta, I’m absolutely drooling over the possibilities!”

           “Will you give me a last request?” asks Sir Squeaksalot. “Bury this capsule in the field down yonder.”

           “Whatever,” replies Hisstopher.

           Hisstopher hands the capsule to one of his feline cronies. After the minion returns, Hisstopher and his feline army begin to prepare Sir Squeaksalot and all his friends for a gourmet feast.

           Meanwhile, back the present, our favorite squeakendary hero, the Rat of Justice, is enjoying a limburger milkshake while watching the movie “Swiss Wars.”

           “Ah,” he thinks, “This is my favorite scene. It is where the vile Darth Cheeser reveals to Luke Squeakwalker that he is his father. An epic battle ensues, but Luke keeps the words of his friends in mind, ‘May the cheese be with you!’”

           Just then, his ratphone rings.

           “Hello?” answers the Rat of Justice.

           “Rat of Justice, this is Dr. Mousenheimer. I just discovered something very interesting that I’m sure you’ll want to take a look at. I was doing some archaeological digging at Cheesestone National Park and found a relic that appears to be from the famous Sir Squeaksalot.”

           “Yes, I remember learning about him while attending RHA (Rodent Hero Academy),” replies the Rat of Justice. “He was the original hero to rodent kind who met his untimely end. It has remained a mystery as to what happened to him.”

           “Well, this relic might finally give us an answer to that question,” replies Dr. Mousenheimer. “Why don’t you meet me down at the RRL (Rodent Research Lab)? Remember, it is at the intersection of Gouda Lane and Pepperjack Ave.”

           The Rat of Justice heads over to his top-secret superhero lair, the Ratcave and summons the Ratmobile. He fills the fuel tank to the brim with ghost pepper nacho cheese sauce.

           “The ghost peppers will give me an extra boost in speed,” he thinks.

           Upon arriving, Dr. Mousenheimer hands over the time capsule that Sir Squeaksalot had the feline minion bury. He opens it up and finds a note. It reads:

           “Dear future hero to rodent kind, I am Sir Squeaksalot. I finally got defeated by a nefarious feline going by the name of Hisstopher Meowlumbus. He and his feline minions captured me and all my squeaking brethren and are going to dine on us. If you can somehow travel to the past and save us, it would be greatly appreciated.”

           “So that’s what happened to him,” remarks the Rat of Justice. “This note also gives the time and geographical coordinates I need to travel to. But time machines are kind of hard to come by. Do you happen to have a spare time machine, Dr. Mousenheimer?”

           “Why, yes I as a matter of fact do!” replies the doctor.

           “How convenient!” replies the Rat of Justice.

           Our hero heads over to the machine, enters the date to travel back to, and steps inside. Dr. Mousenheimer closes the door behind him and pulls the lever to activate the machine. But it starts to smoke and go haywire with beeps and boops. In a blinding flash of light, the time machine disappears, leaving the Rat of Justice stuck in the present.

           “What happened?” asks our hero.

           “Oh shoot!” cries Dr. Mousenheimer. I must have forgotten to oil it. As a result, the spacetime continuum fluid overheated, causing an existential paradox, which in turn caused the machine to disappear from reality.”

           “Do you have another time machine handy?” asks the Rat of Justice.

           “No, unfortunately,” replies Dr. Mousenheimer. “And if I order a new one from Times R Us, it will take weeks before it is delivered.”

           “Well, I don’t feel like waiting that long to save Sir Squeaksalot,” replies the Rat of Justice. “What can I do? Hmmm… I know! The famous scientist Albert Scurrystein came up with the theory of Squeakativity along with the formula E=mc² (Energy = more cheese squared.) According to him, if someone somehow managed to travel faster than the speed of light, they could travel through time. When I eat ratnip, it gives me a temporary boost in speed and strength. I’ve been able to run almost as fast as the speed of light. But I recently got some industrial grade ratnip, and I bet it will help me go faster than the speed of light.”

           “Okay,” replies Dr. Mousenheimer, “but just remember that the direction you run in determines whether you go forward or backward through time. Since you want to travel to the past, you will have to run backwards.”

           “Got it!” replies the Rat of Justice.

           Our hero quickly snarfs down the ratnip and takes off. He arrives at the dining table of Hisstopher Meowlumbus as they are just about to gorge upon Sir Squeaksalot and all his friends.

           “What’s this?!” exclaims Hisstopher. “Are you some other hero to rodent kind? I see that you also wield a sacred cheese sword, but it will do you no good as you are no match for me!”

           The Rat of Justice lunges at Hisstopher and his army and uses his sacred cheese sword to shave them bald. All the felines but Hisstopher scamper away crying and moaning.

           “How dare you dishonor me and my comrades like that!” shrieks Hisstopher. “I can see that you are actually a threat unlike Sir Squeaksalot. It’s no matter though because I will have my revenge and victory over you!”

           Our hero and the atrocious feline face off in the sparring match of the century. The Rat of Justice pulls out all the tricks he learned from Master Cheeseagi, his ratial arts instructor who taught him the secret techniques of Rat Fu. He does swissendary uppercuts, squeaking back paw strikes, and roundcheese kicks.

           “You’re quite the impressive fighter,” replies Hisstopher. “You have mastered Rat Fu, but I am a master of Meow Fu.”

           Hisstopher subdues our hero with a flying tabby kick and scoops him up in his paw. He quickly gulps him down.

           “Well, that’s that!” sighs Hisstopher in relief. “Now back to my feast. I’ll have to let my friends know that it’s safe to come back. It’s too bad that cell phones haven’t been invented yet and that I’ll have to send a message via the tabby express.”

           Hisstopher sends the message and sits at the table waiting for his friends to arrive. He doesn’t dig in himself as that would be impolite.

           Meanwhile, inside his belly, the Rat of Justice finds himself swimming in a pool of stomach acid.

           “You know, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been eaten,” he thinks to himself. “You’d think I’d be used to stomach acid by now, but it still really burns.”

           He spies a note posted on the stomach wall and swims over to it. It reads:

           “Feeding Instructions: Input organically fed rodents only. Avoid perfumes and colognes at all costs, especially Ode to Cheese, as this will cause a tremendously upset stomach.”

           “It’s nice that these instructions are always posted inside of feline bellies,” he thinks. “And it’s also nice that I happen to have a bottle of Ode to Cheese with me.”

           The Rat of Justice whips out the bottle and sprays some around.

           “On second thought,” he thinks.

           He opens the bottle and empties all the contents into the pool of stomach acid. Suddenly, things start to churn and violent waves form. He is caught up in a torrent of acid as he is ejected out of Hisstopher’s mouth.

           “Oh, I don’t feel so good!” Hisstopher moans.

           The Rat of Justice promptly ties him up in some sturdy string cheese rope. He also captures and ties up all of Hisstopher’s feline minions as they return. He then proceeds to free Sir Squeaksalot and all his friends.

           “What should we do with these felines?” the Rat of Justice asks Sir Squeaksalot.

           “Oh, I can hand them over to the RCJ (Rodent County Jail),” replies Sir Squeaksalot. “Thank you so much for coming to save us.”

           “It was no problem!” replies the Rat of Justice.

           Our hero pulls out another pawful of the industrial grade ratnip and snarfs it down. He runs forward this time so that he travels back to the present and Dr. Mousenheimer at the RRL (Rodent Research Lab).

           “Rat of Justice,” greets the doctor, “did you save Sir Squeaksalot?”

           “Yes,” replies our hero. “But it was a close call.”

           The Rat of Justice heads home after another long and hard day of heroics.

           “That was quite the battle!” he thinks as he plops down into his swiss cheese recliner.

           He turns on the TV to the show “Ratname: Mice in the Next Sewer.” The episode’s title is CHEESE CURDS, which is code for:

           Criminal

           Hooligan

           Ensures

           Egregious

           Suffering

           Employing

           Cruel

           Underhanded

           Rogues

           Destroying

           Snacks.

           “Ah,” thinks the Rat of Justice. “This is the episode where the Snacking Outlaw enlists the help of nasty felines to destroy all the cheese curds in the world, which causes rodents tremendous sorrow. The Mice have quite the distasteful battle to engage in.”

           Our hero relaxes to the show after another trying day. Will there ever be rest for the rodents of earth from the constant threat of consumption by felines? Of course not, but thankfully for them, they have the Squeaking Crusader and Swissendary Warrior who lives on to protect all of rodent kind.