Keeping Up with the Olympians, Season One, Episode V, Season Finale

Olympian Police Department

Case File: 2025-08-31-001

Reporting Officer: Chief Daniel Mulligan, Badge #47

Date of Incident: August 31, 2025

Time of Report: 1102 hours

Location of Incident: Mount Olympus Throne Room, Cloud Level 7

Nature of Incident: Domestic Disturbance; Repeat Offender (Zeus); Minor Property Damage (Ceramic Vase)

Subject 1: Hera, Queen of the Gods

Subject 2: Zeus, King of the Gods

Witnesses: Athena, Goddess of Wisdom and War; Various Olympian staff (names and testimonies attached separately – Exhibit A)

Narrative: At approximately 0932 hours, on this date, the undersigned responded to reports of a domestic disturbance in the Mount Olympus Throne Room. Upon arrival, Subject 1 (Hera) was observed in a heightened state of agitation, verbally confronting Subject 2 (Zeus).

The confrontation quickly escalated, with Subject 1 (Hera) making numerous accusations regarding Subject 2’s (Zeus) alleged romantic involvement with a mortal, identified as Ms. Ethel Mae Higgins of Walker, Iowa, United States. Subject 1 (Hera) further accused Subject 2 (Zeus) of gifting Ms. Higgins a cloud-woven shawl.

Subject 2 (Zeus) initially attempted to deny the allegations, claiming he was merely “observing mortal fashion trends.” However, when pressed by Subject 1 (Hera) to explain the presence of said shawl, Subject 2 (Zeus) became evasive.

During the verbal exchange, Subject 1 (Hera) threw a valuable Grecian ceramic vase, believed to be from the Minoan period, in the direction of Subject 2 (Zeus). The vase narrowly missed Subject 2 (Zeus) and shattered against a nearby column, resulting in minor property damage (estimated at 50,000 drachmas).

Subject Athena, who was present for her mandatory disciplinary reflection, offered a verbal interjection in the midst of the altercation. Subject 1 (Hera) responded to the remark by giving Subject Athena a sustained and significant stare and adding another week in her temple.

No physical injuries were reported. Subject 1 (Hera) and Subject 2 (Zeus) were advised to seek marital counseling, which they both summarily dismissed.

This case is now closed.

End of Report

***

Olympian Times

Headline: HEAVENLY HEATED! HERA RAGES OVER ZUES’ LATEST EARTHLY LOVE AFFAIR!

By Lisa Frank

Olympian Times Senior Correspondent

Mount Olympus was rocked by another seismic marital dispute this morning, as Queen Hera reportedly confronted King Zeus over yet another alleged dalliance with a mortal!

Sources confirm the target of Hera’s fury this time is a Ms. Ethel Mae Higgins from the decidedly un-glamorous mortal locale of Walker, Iowa, United States.

The confrontation, which took place in the sacred Throne Room, quickly turned explosive.

Eyewitnesses describe Hera’s “divine fury” reaching epic proportions as she allegedly accused Zeus of showering Ms. Higgins with gifts, specifically a “cloud-woven shawl.” Zeus, ever the smooth talker, attempted to deflect by claiming a sudden interest in “mortal fashion trends.”

Insider reports suggest that explanation was met with a resounding, and ultimately shattering, “NO!” as a priceless Minoan vase became an unfortunate casualty of the queen’s rage.

Present for the fireworks was the recently grounded Goddess of Wisdom, Athena, undergoing her mandatory “disciplinary reflection.”

One source, who loves wine and parties, wishing to remain anonymous, said, "Athena, always one to observe, couldn’t help but add a pointed remark of her own during the confrontation." A jab that reportedly earned her a “look that could curdle ambrosia” from her stepmother and another week of punishment.

King Zeus and Queen Hera were reportedly advised to seek professional help for their ongoing marital issues, a suggestion that was met with the kind of divine scoff usually reserved for mortal sacrifices.

This is a developing story. The Olympian Times continues to ask: Will Mount Olympus ever have a quiet day? (Spoiler alert: Probably not.)

End of Article

***

August 31st

Dear Diary,

Ugh. You will NOT believe this. My grounding isn’t even over, and the drama is already back at full volume.

So, I’m stuck here in the Throne Room for my “disciplinary reflection”—which is, like, SO boring—when suddenly, the air gets all thick and static-y.

That’s always the sign, you know? Like, when a storm is coming, but it’s worse because it’s Hera, dear, OLD, STEP “mommy-dearest”.

She bursts in, all fire and fury, holding up this, like, totally basic cloud-woven shawl. “ZEUS!” she screams, “You haven’t changed! I know about Ethel Mae Higgins from Walker, Iowa!”

Walker, Iowa?! Seriously, Dad? That little, podunk town? You couldn’t pick somewhere with, like, a little more style? And a cloud-woven shawl?

He used to turn into, like, swans and golden showers (EW!) for his hook-ups, and now it’s… a shawl? SO lame.

He tried to deny it, of course. “Just observing mortal fashion, my dear!” PUH-LEEZ. Dad is, like, THE worst liar ever.

Then she grabbed that really expensive Minoan vase—the one from the museum exhibit last month—and, like, hurled it at him. It shattered everywhere. It was, like, SO dramatic.

And in that, like, one-second moment of total chaos, I just couldn’t help myself. I said, “At least he didn’t turn into a bull this time.” LOL

That’s when STEP “mommy-dearest” turned her glare on me. She gave me the look. You know the one. The one that, like, could curdle ambrosia. The one she’s been perfecting since, like, the dawn of time. Then she added another week! WTH?!

I didn’t say another word. Just rolled my eyes so hard, I thought they might get stuck.

It’s not even that I love my Dad, it’s just that I hate her SO much more.

I often wonder why she even tries? He literally does this, like, every other week. It’s the same old pathetic routine. She gets mad, breaks some stuff, and then… poof, nothing changes. It’s what you get when you stick around for, like, a million years of this crap.

And I’m STILL grounded!

It’s just… SO pathetic. If I were her, I’d, like, actually do something. Not just throw vases.

Ugh. This family is SO much worse than any mortal reality TV show. At least on those, people actually break up.

On second thought, maybe STEP “mommy-dearest” totally deserves her fate. She did, afterall, like, take away my freedom. ;-)

Later,

Athena (The goddess who’s officially over family drama, but not Brad Pitt)

P.S.- I wonder if the Roman pantheon has room for one more goddess?