The Understanding

Specification of sensitive content (not part of the story): Language (i.e. shit, shitscared, piss)

Of course we have an understanding. Same as it ever was. I go outside. That’s it. Simple. I’m a cat dammit. I don’t need you or any other human to watch me piss or bag my shit. Now, when you’re cleaning out my litter box I’ll def watch you — yeah, work that scooper. And then there’s the food, I don’t need you to feed me — I’m a cat dammit, cousin of the king of the jungle. When I’m outside I can grab a rat, a bug, whatever I want — but of course, I’ll let you. Because I’m a cat. It’s all part of the understanding.

And the final thing — before I get to my story — is that if you’re one of them types that doesn’t like the idea of anthromorphosiz— or whatever the hell it is you call it when an animal talks like a human — then get. Scram. Shoo! My human didn’t understand me this morning when I was trying to speak his language, purring for his attention. I tried damn near everything: meowing, purring, gettin’ all up in his lap, nudging his face while he was on his phone, even strutting in between his feet to trip him up. Nothing worked. So, I’ll explain it to you simply, anthropo—whatever-you-call-it-ly. Read: in a way your simple kind can understand, ‘kay. 

The understanding is I go outside. Daily. Whenever I want to. That’s it. Simple. 

If you don’t let me, then the next time I go out — and there will be a next time — I’ll make you wish you’d have escorted me to every one of my marked spots and scratched posts within a five block radius. I’ll stay out as long as I like. And no amount of screaming “Jesse!” or shaking the Temptations box will get me to return, capisce! See, I gotta keep an eye out. Call it way of the cat. Mark the spots. Scratch the posts. Check the neighbors. Patrol the turf. It’s what I do. It’s what we do. Ever since we had to help them Egyptians out with their rat problem.

But that hasn’t happened for the last two days. Two days! Sure, it’s been strange outside. Brighter than usual, whiter, colder. According to my human it’s called snow. And apparently when it shows up like this it’s called a snow day. Like a holiday. Really, it's just another reason for him to sit around the living room — but hey, if anyone gets relaxation, it’s a cat. 

Anyways, yesterday, I got my human to let me check it out. Made him open the backdoor for me. He had to. I was scratching that bottom corner of the door so hard the paint was coming off. Outside it was cold, wet, exciting. I’d step into it, sink, shiver, take another step, and then there’d be a spot in the snow where I’d been. A track! Just like when I scratch my posts or mark my spots. I wanted to hunt. Hungry, sooo hungry. I was about to take off when he grabbed me and put me back inside. The warmth was nice, but stale. I wanted more.

So this morning the snow was still there, covering every yard in sight. And, like I told ya, I was going wild trying to get his attention. Purring, scratching, meowing, everything. Finally, he lets me out. And I was gone. Shoo, was I gone. Off on the great hunt. And no, I’m not one of those cats who hunts the neighborhood birds. Do I want to? Hell yeah I do. What I’d give to catch one of them tweeting punks. No, I got a bell around my neck, like I'm a pet. Jingles when I’m climbing trees, or running along the fence. No, birds are off the menu — but rodents, bugs, them ground critters, fair game. 

As soon as the fool opened the door I was out. Gone. Free! 

I had enough time to mark three spots and scratch two posts before I heard him start screaming my name. He had that panicked sound in his voice, “Jesse! Jesse!” He was shouting and shaking my treats like a mook. I almost bit — damn those lil’ nuggets are good. But he’d give me some when I got back anyways. Always does. I’ve trained him like that. Part of the understanding.

He kept shouting and I went about my usual route. Down along the edge of the house, under the laurel bush, up the apple tree, and over the fence to the apartments next door. Usually there’s some other neighborhood cats I like to punk around with. But no one was out. The snow was untouched. The world was mine.

The further I walked the colder it got. Every now and then I’d have to duck under one of the parked cars to warm myself up a bit. Then the sound was back, that terrible whining human voice, “Jesse! JESSE!” Followed by the racka-racka-rack of the Temptations rattling around their case. If he was half the human he could be he’d know a cat doesn’t always want treats. Will I take them if given, of course! But there’s something to not eating too. The fast life. The hungry life. The hunter’s life. It’s what makes the catch and kill that much better. Anyways, I was warming up, and get this, if I wasn’t warm before I definitely got warm when I saw this fool walk into view. He looked like a giant, stuffed pillowcase. Maybe that’s how the furless stay warm. He must’ve really missed me. The lazy sack never leaves the front porch when hollering. Get it, he even started knocking on the doors around the apartment complex. What a goof! He had that shitscared face on, the kind you see on a critter when it realizes its fate, that Jesse’s on the prowl. Hoo, I got me some good laughs about that.

When no one answered the doors he started following some other tracks. He thought he was tracking me! They looked like raccoon prints. I nearly choked up a hairball. They had to be at least a day old, what with all that snow that’d settled in them overnight. Humans. And that’s what you do with your so-called intelligence, huh? Ha!

Then, when he didn’t find me there, he started walking around the block. Almost slipped on the ice so many times it looked like he was dancing. It was rich! He disappeared outta sight for a while, the racka-racka softening as he went. By now he’s probably posted a missing cat notice on the Portland subreddit and the neighborhood Nextdoor thread. Good! His neighbors should learn the understanding too. Cats rule. Simple. 

Well, I’ll give him a few more minutes before I come back. It’s getting cold and I could really use the Temptations.