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Fiction Funny

The sickly-sweet aroma of decadent freshly cut flowers filled Tomblin’s Funeral Home like a warm breeze blowing through a floral garden. The delicious splash of color did little to hide the tear-stained faces sitting on the golden benches staring at a yellow pine coffin. The mourners were dressed in their finest clothes, which was fitting for the moment, but the dead don’t care about such frivolous things.

The man on display was Sam Horner. A father to a long-lost son, husband to a loving wife who had passed the year prior, and a man who had touched the lives of everyone lucky enough to have met him.

Sam wore a black suit with a navy blue tie perfectly centered on his chest where his cold fingers lay intertwined. His patented mustache, which he proudly showcased for sixty-five years, had been shaved off and his pasty skin was taught and thin. His charcoal hair was combed to the left where it should have been parted to the right, and his painted lips were beaming with a creamy shade of pink that looked unnatural, to say the least.

Even though Sam looked nothing like his former, lively self, his essence filled the room with a somber reminder that life goes on.

Father Tomblin smoothed the wrinkles from his black robes and took his place at the speaking podium. After tapping the black microphone, he said, “Welcome, one and all. May we find peace in our moment of sorrow. Sam would have liked this gathering. He loved the company he kept, and in that regard, he was a kingly man. He was the biggest prankster I ever knew and always made me smile. He will be greatly missed… Now let us bow our heads to pray—”

At that moment, Tomblin’s words were hacked off when the brown double doors creaked open, and a young man wearing black dress pants with a half-buttoned white dress shirt stumbled in. His green eyes were like glass marbles rolling on a flat table, and his curly brown hair was frizzled beyond all respectability. He stumbled through the aisle where he met Father Tomblin’s baffled expression, placed his clammy hands on his broad shoulders, and said, “I’m sorry I’m late. The bar was exceedingly generous for some reason!”

“W-what is this?”

“No worries,” said the young man. “You’ve already started, so I’ll just give my eulogy now.”

Father Tomblin flared his nostrils when he smelled the alcohol and respectfully stepped away.

After licking his lips and deciphering through the shocked faces in the seats before him, the young man wiped his scruffy chin and said, “Hello, everyone. I’m sure this might shock everyone, but I wanted to pay my respects to my late father.”

Audible gasps echoed through Jared’s ears, but he paid little attention to the ruckus.

“I think it’s been twenty-five…thirty years since I last spoke with my father. He was a loving dad who was overtly overprotective of me growing up. Perhaps that’s why we always butted heads on everything.”

Jared looked for a few smiling faces, hoping his attempt at humor would lighten the mood, but everyone was sour.

He took a deep breath and continued, “I was lucky because most kids didn’t have a good father to look after them. Not all people get to bask in the protection of a father’s love as I did, but it was that very thing that drove me away in the first place. I felt like a caged bird who needed to spread his wings and fly. My father knew that and let me go swiftly into the wind. I think he knew that life would forge the type of person I would become, and he was right.”

Jared raised a finger and wiped the snot from his dripping nose. When he couldn’t find a tissue, he brushed his hand against his breast pocket, which made the onlookers cringe.

“My father was right. Life didn’t just forge me into the man you see today. It broke my spirit a million times over. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a resentful person. I loved my father. I often wonder what would have happened if I tried a little harder back then. If I dared to stay, would my father’s tempered will harden my soul and sharpen my senses? I don’t know. Life has dulled me…and now that the sharpening stone that could have saved me from the icy chill of hell is gone, I just wanted to tell my father that…I’m sorry.”

A flood of tears streamed down the mourners’ cheeks, and Jared knew his great moment of redemption had finally come.

“Those words…have so much power. But that’s the only way I can express how I feel. I’m sorry for all those years of being a selfish little prick and not appreciating the love my father tried to give me. I’m sorry for all the nights he must have stayed awake thinking about how to save me from my own recklessness. I’m sorry for what I said to him before I left for good, and I’m sorry for all the pain and worry he must have felt afterward.”

Jared lowered his head and let the tears fall. His insides were tight, and his throat desperately yearned for another drink. Father Tomblin placed a box of tissues on the podium and put a warm hand on Jared’s back.

“It’s okay,” Tomblin said. “As a dad, I can tell you that a father’s love never fades. We all make mistakes. That is the very nature of life, and the fact that you’re here now speaks volumes. I know your father was proud of you.”

Jared blinked rapidly and allowed his lungs to expand. “Thank you,” he said, enveloping Tomblin in a solid embrace.

“There, there,” Tomblin said. “Everything is going to be alright. We were just about to pray before you came in, so would you like to tell your father how you feel before we carry on?”

“I would love that,” Jared said, nodding.

“Good. Now go to him…” 

Jared reluctantly wobbled to his father’s casket with closed eyes. Everyone was silent. The only noise that trifled the room was the occasional sniffle.

“Oh, father…I’m so sorry for disappointing you and leaving the way I did. I want you to know how much your love has changed my life. I want you to know how much I…” Jared opened his eyes to finish and yelled, “Wait a minute…this isn’t my father!”

“What?!” Father Tomblin gasped, wobbling from the podium.  

Upon further inspection, Jared knew he was right. “No…” he said firmly. “This isn’t my father.”

“I-I don’t understand,” Tomblin said, scoffing over the mourner’s anguish. “This man isn’t your dad?”

“No.”

When no reply came, Jared asked, “Is this Carry’s Funeral Home?”

Father Tomblin hung his head low and answered, “No…That’s the building across the street. I knew I should have picked a better location.”

Jared mashed his lips. “Oh…” He looked at Tomblin and the sobbing people behind him and said, “Please forgive me…I was gravely mistaken….”      

“A boogie-boogie-boo, I see you!”  

Sam Horner sat up from his coffin with wide eyes and a grin carved from the Devil himself.

“Why is everybody so glum?” Sam looked at Jared and spat, “Hey! You’re not my son!”

“Sam Horner!” Tomblin screamed. “Was this another one of your pranks?!”

“Yes!” Sam laughed, “and it was the best one yet!”

Everyone shook their heads in both disgust and humility. Sam had always been a goofy prankster, and this was just a gag to get another laugh.

Jared’s eyes rolled into his skull. He grabbed his chest and tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. He grabbed the coffin and collapsed. His heart was beating like a roaring jet engine. Had all the years of abusing his body with alcohol finally caught up to him?

Tomblin knelt and checked Jared’s pulse. “Someone better call an ambulance! This man is having a heart attack!!”

“Dang!” Sam said. “I didn’t know my prank would cause this much trouble. Perhaps I was…mistaken!” 

July 03, 2024 23:07

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25 comments

06:51 Jul 04, 2024

Good twist, well written 😊

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Daniel R. Hayes
20:59 Jul 04, 2024

Thank you so much!! I'm glad you liked it. :)

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Kristi Gott
05:25 Jul 04, 2024

A dramedy- drama and comedy - very clever concept and executed skillfully! The mistaken funeral made me think of a comedy troop sketch like Sat. Night Live, especially when the second big comedic beat hits with the corpse sitting up and speaking. I can visualize the SNL actors doing this with the crowd laughing and clapping. Awesome! Lol

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Daniel R. Hayes
20:58 Jul 04, 2024

Thank you so much, Kristi. I'm so happy you liked this story. I wasn't sure if I was going to submit this one, but I'm glad I did :)

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Mary Bendickson
01:22 Jul 04, 2024

Deadly twist.

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Daniel R. Hayes
20:37 Jul 04, 2024

Thank you, Mary! I'm so happy you liked this one!! :)

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Trudy Jas
01:06 Jul 04, 2024

😳🤣 Poor Jared. But most of all, poor Tomblin. Sam did take the joke a bit far if he even shaved his mustache. 🙂

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Daniel R. Hayes
20:36 Jul 04, 2024

Indeed he did....lol. Thanks Trudy! I'm so glad you liked the story :)

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Karen Hope
00:24 Jul 11, 2024

I thought I figured out where this was headed, but I was dead wrong. Your twists and turns made this story both funny and unpredictable. Well done!

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Daniel R. Hayes
05:56 Jul 11, 2024

I'm so happy you liked this story! Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. I really appreciate that!! :)

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L. D.
14:43 Jul 09, 2024

Oh good Lord. (Pardon, Father Tomblin!) Excellent twist; I did not see the prank coming, even though you hinted early on.

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Daniel R. Hayes
17:44 Jul 09, 2024

Thanks for the read! I'm so glad you didn't see that coming! :)

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11:11 Jul 09, 2024

What a twist. Didn't see that one coming. The fact that poor Jared had poured his heart out to the wrong person. That Sam just lay and listened to it all. Then gave them all such a start. What a moron. You wrote this just as such a scene would play out. Great descriptions. It's an unrelated story but a funny one. Your story made me think of it. The Waking of Ned Divine. An Irish story. As dead Ned has the winning ticket to some lottery, someone in the village has to pretend to be a live Ned to get the prize money. The whole village is in o...

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Daniel R. Hayes
17:35 Jul 09, 2024

I'm so glad you liked this story!!! Also, that story sounds really interesting, I'll have to check that out!! Thanks!! :)

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21:08 Jul 09, 2024

LOL. Now that I've been such a spoiler! You'll love it.

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Alexis Araneta
02:09 Jul 04, 2024

Daniel ! Once again, such a fun, creative story ! You know, sometimes, I wonder how you always come up with such inventive, fresh concepts. It truly is incredible, and I'm in awe of your talent. Because it's a Daniel Hayes story, I knew there was going to be a fun twist. However, I thought you were going the horror/zombie route. Hahaha ! The reveal that it was just a prank subverted my expectations, so lovely work ! I think this story showcases both sides of you. We know you have a gift for the macabre and for comedy through your horror s...

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Daniel R. Hayes
20:41 Jul 04, 2024

Thank you so much, Alexis! I always look forward to your warm comments! This story was a personal challenge that I set for myself where I gave myself a one hour time limit to do a speed challenge. This is what I came up with based on reading the prompt. I did a quick edit after that, but most of this was written freely. I'm so glad you liked it! :)

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Alexis Araneta
02:15 Jul 05, 2024

Well, that makes it even more impressive then ! You always astonish us with how creative you are. Stunning work !

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Graham Kinross
09:18 Sep 01, 2024

The end feels like a prank by Andy Kaufman. A long lost son showing up at the wrong funeral seems like something he’d love as well. Have you ever seen Man on the Moon? I thought the son was going to come in and badmouth the dad for being absent at first. Well done keeping me guessing.

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Daniel R. Hayes
05:56 Sep 04, 2024

Thank you so much!!! Sorry for the late reply, I am just finishing up with my second novel. I almost have it all formatted :)

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Graham Kinross
13:40 Sep 04, 2024

That’s not a late reply. My latest reply was more than a year after someone commented on a story. Congratulations. That’s a great feeling. I’m working through a rewrite on my first book just now.

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Daniel R. Hayes
04:48 Sep 05, 2024

I know those rewrites can be a pain, but stick with it and you will have it! I'm so excited about your progress! :)

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Graham Kinross
14:23 Sep 05, 2024

Thanks Daniel.

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Emily Nghiem
06:05 Jul 12, 2024

Artfully told, your dialogue and descriptions flow naturally where you make these seem effortless. The magic of writing! My only criticism is I would have made Jared's eulogy a bit more clownish. Because it was so serious, I didn't think the prank was believable or funny but seemed disjoint. So when it came to Jared having his heart stop, I couldn't see that as funny either. I might have believed the whole funeral group jumping up and protesting the joke, so that Jared helps usher him to safety. If they both get kicked out, then go for a dri...

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Daniel R. Hayes
16:39 Jul 13, 2024

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wrote this story in a speed challenge set for one hour and I thought it would be fun to post it. I didn't enter it into the contest, but I wanted my fans to see what you could do starting with no idea. I only had the prompt to go by. If I had the time to perfect the story, I would have made it more horror...lol :)

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