Đurađ's perfect day

Rain. Around eight in the morning. It was a four-day work week, and now it was time for the three-day weekend. How can such a day go wrong? Universe, you have an impossible task ahead of yourself, Đurađ thought to himself with a smirk. 

Rolling around in his bed lazily, he stuffed his head back into the pillow multiple times. Finally, the day had come when he had the opportunity to get up whenever and be irresponsible. Excited, he could not stop thinking about the upcoming day.

Since he got the new job, he never got the opportunity to slow down and have a day just for himself.

To get up or not to get up? 

Get up, as he promised himself that he would start his day early, so he would have time to do everything he had planned. He put on the robe, which was tidily folded in his wardrobe for weeks. The fancy robe was just some of the things that he bought in order to celebrate his new job. But, he never got the chance to wear it, until now. 

He takes a look at his fun to-do list. 

• coffee
• video games 
• more video games
• movies
• take in

“I can’t wait! Wohooo!” He yells. He wanted to sing can’t wait for saturday night but stopped. I will save that for later. It’s kinda cringe, can’t start my morning with cringe. 

He sprinted to his bathroom. 

He takes off his robe, and carefully hangs it on the wall. 

Time to shave off the stubble. He found shaving meditative and quite pleasing. After moisturizing his beard, he rubs in the shaving cream. 

Looks at himself in the mirror. 

“Hoho! Santa is here!”

“Now, we have to guide him to take the dull razor, so he can cut himself, ruin this shaving session for him, make his morning start terribly, and then his whole day will be ruined! Ahahahah! What…? We all have to laugh in an evil way because we are evil. Laugh with me!” 

They try to laugh.

“No, don’t. You have ruined the moment. once he cuts himself, promise that you will laugh. But, in an evil way.”

“We promise.” 

This was the sector of anxiety, stress, self-destruction, laziness, bad decision-making, overthinking, and everything else bad, or leading to the development of bad habits. Also known as the Bad Life Sector (BSL).

These beings were evil and wanted their human to have the worst possible life and end it with the highest amount of regrets.

“Why are they laughing? They want to mess him up on his most anticipated day of the month. We cannot allow that! Everyone!”

“Sir, yes, sir!” They exclaim.

“We have to make him choose the sharp razor, not the dull one. He will get upset if he cuts his face, and I do not know if we have enough positive past events to make him overcome that. Do we?”

“Sir, the numbers are low. This month has been a disaster. He does not have enough recent past positive events, so his mental fortitude is quite sensitive, sir”

This was the sector of happiness, productivity, self-content, good decision-making, good social skills, sacrifice, and everything else good, or leading to the development of good habits. Also known as the Good Life Sector (GLS).

These beings wanted their human to have the best possible life, and to end its life with a low number of regrets. Each day the GLS fought to prevail over the BLS. 

“Sir, they have already sent the command for him to take the dull razor”

“What?! OVERRIDE! We cannot let him cut his face! OVERRIDE IT! Immediately!”

“It is too late, sir.”

Why are there so many razors in this glass? I have to sort this out. Đurađ picks a razor, dips it into the water, and goes for the perfect first shave. Placing the razor on his cheek, he goes down. He cuts himself. It hurts like a bitch, and droplets of blood hit the sink.

“No!!!” The captain of the GLS yells. 

“Ahhahahaha!” The employees of the BLS all laugh in unison. In the familiar EVIL way.

Ah shit! Why today out of all days?! Đurađ manages not to throw the razor across the bathroom. 

More droplets of blood hit the sink. He looks at himself in the mirror, and then at the razor. “Shit… Hmmmm… maybe I did not do it well.” 

“Sir, they want him to try again with the dull razor”

“OVERRIDE!!!” the GSL captain’s voice cracks. 

Đurađ raises his razor to his cheek.

“Input: Why would I try again? It is a dull razor, I will only make it worse. I will just get a new one from the pack. 

Send that in!” Captain of the GLS yells in despair.

Brainstorming in the BLS.

“The new pack? Did we not make him drunk on purpose on Wednesday night, so we would make him throw that pack into the garbage, where he would take the trash right there and then, instead of on a Thursday night, as those idiots want him to do a specific chore on a specific day of the week? They want him to be oRgAnIzEd… Ahhh, how deeply they frustrate me. We did not take advantage of all the bad effects alcoholism has.” the captain of BLS asks and says thoughtfully. 

“Sir, we almost did, but we were overridden with good decision-making and planning for the long term. The alcoholism by itself was not enough, they have been really working on his self-discipline. To continue taking care of myself even when I make mistakes, or something like that sir. They have sent that in hundreds of times just this last month. No matter what we sent in, it would not override. They are too strong on those cards”

“Did they already send it in?”

“Yes.”

“Shit! Override with: Things are expensive nowadays, especially with inflation. I have to save up for promiscuous women, drugs, and fast food. Lemme go with this one again” 

“It won't go through sir. His mind is easily dismissing those thoughts. They have been training him for months to save up for the house, and he has been seeing that brunette for a quite while now” 

“Look at these imbeciles. Promiscuous women, drugs, and fast food. Fast food has always been cheap no matter the inflation. To make it easily accessible to the masses is the reason for its price. No one ever saves up for fast food. Dear God… Do they read books or at least the news?” Captain of the GLS asks.

“Sir, I have to remind you that they believe that reading is unnecessarily tiring and a great waste of time, and do not have any subscriptions to any of the credible news sources, they are only members of Facebook groups that spread conspiracy theories” 

“Oh, yes. Savages!” 

“He is unpacking the new razors, sir.” 

“Perfect!” 

“Why is he looking at the glass with the razors again?”

“They are making him check the razors. There are three dull ones, and one sharp.” 

“Input: I cannot try any other razors, they might be dull, and I might hurt myself again, and it is simply not worth it, because I want to have a good day. I will throw them in the garbage” 

“In the garbage!!!! We have been working for weeks to make him put all of those dull razors into that glass, so we could ruin his peaceful mornings. Because who needs peace?! THIS IS CHAOS! OVERRIDE!”

“They have already sent in the command.” 

Đurađ takes all the razors from the glass and throws them into the garbage. He takes one new razor and puts it into the glass. 

Shaving was quite meditative. Once he was done, he put on oils, and on the tiny wound he put some alcohol, washed his face and teeth, and putting his robe back on, he left the bathroom. 

Rain would come and go. Uneven taps on the windows and the roof. Only the sound of the clock on the wall could be heard. 

Coffee time. The water was boiling. 

“Why does he have his hand so dangerously close to the heated stove?” 

“They are making him daydream, so he stares into the wall, and gets distracted”

“Input: Check the coffee”

“It is dismissed, sir. They have made him used to daydreaming, especially before he’s had his morning coffee. Without caffeine, his brain is easy to manipulate”

“Yesssss, that's right, move that hand closer to the stove!”

She is smart, and beautiful as well. That was a funny joke she told me last n– “Fuck!” He exclaims at the top of his lungs! Starts swinging his hand like a maniac, to cool it off. 

A burn on the top of his three fingers, and a cut on his face. He now expected internal bleeding, and a nail sticking out of his foot by noon. 

The bagels that Ikonija and he got last night were so buttery, that he did not even have to chew them. I wish she was here with me… 

The coffee was still steaming hot. Sip, sip, sip. Slow sips, I do not want to burn off my tongue as well. 

“What did you turn him into? A careful, self-caring, wuss? You disgust me!” The captain of the BLS yells to the captain of the GLS. 

All of GLS employees show them the middle finger. 

Leaning in his armchair, he feels as if he could spend the whole day like this. 

Baby crying. 

Everyone from the GLS turn their heads to the BLS. 

“Did we do this?” BLS captain asks.

“No, sir. We do not know where the crying baby is coming from”

“Look at those perfectionists! They do not know either!” 

Đurađ rolls his eyes. Looks at his watch. Nine in the morning. As far as he knew, there were no people in the building with a baby. Did someone just decide to have one, rent one out, or did someone’s family just come for a visit? 

How come it was so loud? It felt as if it was crying above his head. 

“They want him mad. We cannot have him put on his headphones this early. Input: Let me check outside” 

“Screw that pacifist shit! Input: I will go outside, and tell them to shut the baby down. I will bang on their doors.” 

“How is he responding?” GLS captain.

“He is conflicted. His mind is considering both inputs” 

A knock on the door. The crying is louder. 

He looks at the door with disbelief. Probably the person with the baby. Great! Now, they will ask me if I can look after it for the rest of the day! Sure! I will even breastfeed it, how about that?!

He opens the door. A woman. With the baby. He looks at the baby with a not-so-well-hidden face of disgust. 

“Hi” The woman says.

Đurađ looks at her, deeply frustrated.

“Sorry to bother you. Do you live in this building?”

“Input: No, it just happens that I get to sleep here, that I somehow pay the rent and the bills. If you do not leave, I will shut the baby myself!” 

“Override! I do not care how many times you have to press that button cadet, but override! 

Input: I do live here. How may I help you?”

“Override! He cannot be nice to her. He has to be rude, and she deserves it! He has to do something worthy of regret, like hurt her feelings unnecessarily or scare her and the annoying baby away, so he can feel terrible about himself later on. I love it when we get to work with a human who has a strong conscience. They are so much fun! And so easy to play with!” 

Due to multiple inputs conflicting, Đurađ kept silent and was still staring back at the woman. 

“The thing is that I just arrived here. I am supposed to meet my sister. She lives in apartment 8. But, I am a bit lost” 

“Oh shit, he has turned us off!” The captain of BLS looks in utter disbelief.

“We have trained him well.” 

Whenever Đurađ would start breathing and out, and slow down his thoughts, both sectors could not give any more inputs. They would be blocked from interfering in any way for the next five minutes, and Đurađ was the one to decide his next move. 

“You mean Jare?”

The woman looks back at Đurađ confused. 

“Javorka Crnogorčević? Right? You look alike, so it must be her you are looking for”

“Yes!” She smiles at him with relief. The baby had stopped crying. 

He smiles back. 

“You are on the wrong floor. Take the elevator, go back down to the third floor, and take the exit to the right. Go down a bit, and you will find door that say 8 on them” 

“Thank you so much! You are such a sweetheart!” 

“No problem. Do you need help with your luggage or anything?”

“Oh do not worry about it, have a great day!”

“You too.”

He closes the door and goes with his hands over his face. Having the next few minutes of solely concentrating on his breathing, he becomes isolated from sounds and thoughts. 

Back in the living room, he looked at his coffee disappointingly. The cup was cold. 

Thinking about how awful his day has been so far, he slowly starts panicking. From the stress accumulating, he starts feeling immensely hot, and in panic, he throws his robe away. Deep breaths in and out. 

Cooled off, he sits down on his couch. 

Playing the video game made him relaxed. He got up and heated the sandwich that Ikonija made for him last night. She was the only one to know about his day off. He was both sad and happy once he started thinking about her. He believed that he was slowly falling in love with her, and thinking of her, made him smile, but yet again, she was not here with him. 

Back on the couch, he was tremendously enjoying slaughtering Mongols in Ghost of Tsushima... 

“He will have to get up in thirty minutes or so. We do not want him to be overstimulated. They have been working on it for weeks to make him addicted.” 

Another kill, yessss, let me–

The screen turns black. The dim lights in his apartment go off. 

“Ahhh, fuck!!!” 

In an attempt to come closer to the TV (with the intention to slam it), he stubs his toe against the coffee table. Besides the hair-rising scream that he gives out, holding onto his pulsating toe, he loses balance. In an attempt not to fall directly on the coffee table, he turns his weight forward, to land on his hands, but having overestimated his capabilities, he slams into the shelf that had the TV and the console. Both the console and the TV fall down, and if Đurađ did not roll to the right, he would have been turned into a pancake. The European pancake, that is. 

Laying there on the ground, he had no willpower left to get up and face what he had just done. Especially, not with the broken TV that was laying next to him, which he bought only two weeks ago. He continues staring at his ceiling. His toe is still pulsating. His phone rings. With his long arm, he reaches to the armchair, without moving an inch, and takes the phone. 

“The building is out of power” A text from his neighbor. This gave him even more reason to continue laying and despairing. 

Complete chaos was unraveling in both sectors, followed by screaming and insults. Hundreds of attempted inputs by the GLS, and hundreds of successful inputs by the BSL. When Đurađ’s fall occurred, it was a triumphant moment for the BLS. They all jumped on the keyboard desk, danced, and gave everyone from the GSL a middle finger. 

There he was, all alone, with all types of injuries on his body, in a dark apartment. Why do you hate me? Give me a sign… Some sort of sign to help me change my ways, so I can have a better life. 

The fighting between the BLS and the GLS stops. 

Once in a while, they would be blocked from any inputs, and another force would intervene. Inputs would start coming from nowhere.

“Noooo!!! Not this again! I hate you! This will destroy all of our work! Curse you!!!” The captain of the BLS yells. Out of pure wrath, he starts pulling out the keyboard keys.

A deep sigh from the captain of the GLS. He looks at the others. 

“Our mysterious partner in crime.” 

They believed this force to be God. 

Input: Wait…? What am I doing here? How am I supposed to rest with a to-do list? Since the moment I woke up the burden of having to do all of these things to have a fun day would never go away. Only a madman believes this to be a way to rest.

Besides the input, the sectors witness a spark that gently touches Đurađ’s body. 

An electrifying wave of energy rushed through his body, and Đurađ jumps to his feet. 

I will go outside for a walk. This apartment is suffocating. 

The doors of the elevator open. Javorka, from the third floor. With the baby.

Oh fuck me! 

“Đurađ!” 

She comes out of the elevator and stops in front of him. 

“I was just going to your apartment-” Please stop. 

“We have to go out, and we were wondering if you could watch her for a few h-” She mentions how Đurađ owes her a favor, and that it would mean a lot to her if he could do this. 

He looks to his left. Open window. Tall enough… 

The destiny forecast predicts an early victory for the Bad Life Sector.