A Journey Through the Bottom of the Tub

Rose Tresor was not made for life in the country, I was not made for milking cows or feeding chickens. I was not made for mucking stalls. I wasn’t even made for little denim shorts and plaid shirts. Yet there I was, in the middle of the hot, dusty, bleak country. I was hungry, tired, and still couldn’t see. Doctor Hayman had told me that because of my “delicate composition” it might take a few hours for my eyesight to come back completely this time. I was used to it, my retina had been damaged in the accident, and once a month for the last year, I’d been having a procedure to get them fixed, which usually left me blind for a bit. This was the last one, right on time to see all the dust and muck of our new dirt heap home.

               “Rose, darling, we’re here! Oh, it’s so cute, I just love it, don’t you?” Mom cooed. I felt her gaze fall on me. I tried to sound interested.

               “Well, what’s it look like?”

               “Honey, I’m sorry, you get along so well now, I had totally forgotten! The porch is just too cute, and there’s a garden. The shutters might need a little paint job, but that’s not too much for the ‘Dynamic Duo’, is it? Do you want to walk around the yard with me?”

               “Is there a bathtub?” I asked.

               “Well,” thought Mom, “I guess, but wouldn’t you prefer to get some fresh air? It’s so early in the day,” she paused, probably looking down at her watch, “It’s not quite noon yet!”

               “No, I think I just want to be alone for a bit.”

I heard Mom open her door and get out of the car. A moment later, she opened my door and led me out by my elbow. The sun felt warm on my face, maybe this wasn’t so bad. I inhaled a deep breath of air.

               “Gosh! Mom, what is that horrid smell?” Having one sense off meant the others worked overtime to compensate, and my nose was just about ready to explode. Something in the direction of the garden smelled like a family of skunks had died.

               “How lovely!” shrieked Mom, “Those are crown imperials, they were your grandma’s favorite, you know.”

               “That’s a flower? Why would anyone want a flower that smelled like a skunk?” I was appalled, “Please just help me find the bathtub!”

               The cracked tile floor in the bathroom was cold under my feet, and the water Mom had filled for me was lukewarm at best. Before she had gone to look at the old barn, Mom had helped me make a mental map of the bathroom. It was a large-ish room, with two windows across from the door. The toilet and sink were against the left wall, and the tub sat under the right window. Next to it was a rack for my clothes and towel. The room had a musty smell, like no one had been there for a while, and the air in it felt still. I laid my flowery pink robe down, walked a careful four paces to the left and grabbed at the tub’s sides. I hoped desperately that no one could see me through the windows. Slightly awkwardly, I started lowering myself into the old tub.

               “COOCOO! COOCOO! COOCOO!”

               “What?” I yelped, the sound of the clock startled me so much that I let go of the sides and plunged rump first into the water.

               The tub was bigger than I had thought, and my head went under. My backside hit the unusually rough bottom, and I swung my arms wildly around to pull my head out of the water. I came up coughing and sputtering, the water I swallowed was slimy and gross.

‘We must have a pipe problem, this tastes like saltwater.’ I thought. The air in the bathroom had changed, it felt think with grime, and the only explanation was that the ventilation shafts were broken, too. I must’ve had water in my ears, because I could hear it crashing around me everywhere.

“What where that?” The voice sounded muffled and garbled. I shook my head to clear my ears.

“Mom? I’m fine, I just slipped!” I called out to her. She must’ve gotten worried about leaving me in the house by myself.

“Well, blow me down, what’s a strumpet doing sittin’ nude in the bilge?!” Someone grabbed my shoulders and lifted me to my feet. A chill ran down my spine, and I got the quivering feeling that whoever had me was not Mom.

“What’s happening? What are you doing, let go!” I shouted at my aggressor. A rough hand clasped over my mouth, muffling my attempt to scream.

“See here now, Poppet, if you go on caderwallin’, you’ll arouse the whole of thee crew. You best don’t wants to be doing that in this here state of indecency!” The gruff voice slapped my bare backside and laughed quietly. It took every nerve in my delicate body not to faint, but I regained my composure enough to kick my leg out hard. I caught a knee cap, and my captor let go of me to clasp the point of impact, trying hard not to howl in pain. I bolted. Water swished around my feet, and I could tell the ground was made of splintery wood, slowly sloping upwards. I had no clue where I was going, I just ran. I dashed straight into an overhead beam, and was knocked out.

When I came to, I was laying on what felt like a swinging strip of canvas, and I could smell someone’s foul breath next to my face. My sense of light was starting to come back, but there wasn’t much light to take in. I also noted that I had been covered up in a long, thick trench-coat. My head throbbed with a massive pounding, and when I tried to sit up, I fell straight back down. It felt like the whole place was rocking back and forth.

“Don’t quite have yer sea legs, ay Lassie?” said the gruff voice from earlier.

“Sea?” I asked, it was obvious that I wasn’t in the country anymore, but how could I have gotten to the sea?

“Aye, the sea. I don’t know how you’s a coming to be here, but you’s on the Cap’ain’s Whim’, most feared ship in the seven seas.”

“Pirates?” I gasped.

“Pirates,” agreed the voice, “and now I’ll be taking you to see the Cap’ain. Best be warning ya, we’s never been having a lady on this ol man-o-war, I don’t know if he’ll throw you to the crew or the Locker,” he snickered to himself again. Davy Jones’s Locker. I might not know much about pirates, but we had learned about Davy Jones in history class last year. I didn’t want to end up on the bottom of the sea, but being handed over to a bunch of scurvy pirates didn’t sound too great either.

When I was set out in front of the captain I pulled my trench-coat tightly around myself. This room much lighter than the last, I couldn’t make out color or shape yet, but the warm white was a bit comforting. The Captain’s quarters were also higher up than the bilge, and it rocked back and forth violently in the waves, the pirate who’d found me had to hold my shoulders so I wouldn’t fall over. The captain was a young man, I had been told, but not one you wanted to cross, and I was quivering slightly, glad for the rough hands supporting me.

“Found a bonny lass in the bilge, I did, Cap’ain. Just sitting there naked as a babe.”

The captain’s voice was high, with a sharp edge, and I could feel his gaze fall on me as he spoke, “Good job, Jim. A stowaway, perhaps?” He addressed me, “Here to steal my loot, Wench? It’s bad luck to have a lady on board, especially one who won’t look a man in the eyes!” He grabbed my chin and forced it up to where his face must have been. I could feel his hot breath on my nose, and it sent a shiver down my spine. I could tell he was a tall man, but his hands where small and slender.

“Pardon me, Cap’ain, but I don’t think the lass can see,” said Jim. The hand on my jaw tightened.

“Is that so? Well, I have some thinking to do, Jim, leave us.” Jim let go of my shoulder, and I heard him limp out of the cabin.

The captain pushed me into a chair, and took a lock of my dark hair, twirling it in his fingers.

“You’ve put me in a sticky situation, Wench. I know where you’re from. You don’t belong here. I also know that the whole blasted crew has heard that you’re here, so if I just send you back through that blasted portal, I could have a full blown mutiny on me hands, savvy?” He dropped my hair, walked a few paces, and opened a drawer.

“First,” I said indignantly, “my name is Rose, not Wench, and second, I don’t understand, why do your men care if you send me home?” I pulled the trench-coat closer.

“The name Captain Romulus Lamair has a reputation attached. I’m feared and respected. I make babies cry and mothers faint. I’m the dastardly devil of the sea. I fly a red flag and believe that dead men tell no tales. If I send you on your merry way, the men might think I’ve gone soft, then I’d end up keelhauled or marooned on some flea infested island!” I heard the swish and clink of Captain Lamiar pulling a bottle out of the drawer he had opened. A cork popped and a stream of liquid glided into a tinkling glass, “A drink… Rose?”

“No, I’m not old enough.” This was met with a laugh. “If you’re the devil of the sea, why don’t you just kill me, then?” As soon as the words had passed my lips, I wished I could take them back. Maybe he hadn’t thought of that. After all, pirates weren’t very bright.

“The men and women I’ve killed, they were different.” Maybe Captain Lamiar had a soft spot for me. He paused to take a gulp of rum. “They were from this world. Killing a lass from the other world would bring worse luck than having said lass on board.” Okay, no soft spot, just pirate logic. “I can’t throw you over, I can’t send you back, and I don’t want to keep you. The only thing left is for you to buy your freedom.” He banged the glass down hard on something, probably a desk.

“I don’t have any money. I didn’t actually bring anything with me, in case you hadn’t noticed. How am I supposed to buy my freedom?”

“I noticed. So now I give you a choice of how to pay. You can spend the night entertaining the crew, or you can help me decipher this bloody map.” A paper flapped through the air. The way the captain said ‘entertaining’ made it sound like I wouldn’t be doing a standup act, but I couldn’t even find my way to the bathtub by myself right now, so I suggested my own solution.

“How about you just tell the crew I, uh, entertained you, and call it even?” I grinned. It sounded foolproof to me.

“Ha, no, the men no me too well. How’s your math?”

“Uuuh, my math? It’s good, I have a B+. Why?”

I heard him walking towards me, and felt him climb onto the arm of my chair. He rested his elbow on my shoulder.

“You see, Rose, us pirates, well, math isn’t exactly one of our strong suits. The King’s Navy is aware of this,” the captain paused to flap the map around my face, “so the coordinates to his Royalness’s treasure on this here map are buried in a math problem. As you can’t see, I’ll read it to you, and then you’ll tell me the answer. Savvy?”

“Then you’ll send me home?” I asked.

“Okay, here’s the first line, there are two.” He hadn’t answered my question. “Sideways hammock 31 cross 45 cross 5 ex 2 ex 50 sideways hammock facing the other way slash 4. What’s that one?” As I said, not very bright.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Sideways hammock 31 cross 45 cross 5 ex 2 ex 50 sideways hammock facing the other way slash 4. You said you could do math. If it’s too hard, the crew will still accept you,”

“No!” I shouted, slightly terrified, “But those aren’t math words, what is a sideways hammock?”

 Captain Lamiar grunted in disgust, “You know, a line with a little curve in it,”

“No, I don’t know, can you write it on my hand?”

“Liar, you can see! I’ll hang you from the yardarm!”

“No, idiot, so I can feel the shapes, don’t use ink!” The captain pushed the chair back as he jumped up. He slapped me sharply across the face.

“Remember your place, Wench. As long as you’re on my ship, I’m your captain, and you will address me as so. Give me your hand,” He grabbed my hand and roughly wrote out (31+45+5x2x50)/4.

I thought for a long moment.

“144, if you use multiplication before addition,”

I figured out the other line the same way.

“And now, you send me home?”

“No, now you help me get the treasure,” Captain Lamiar crossed the room, creaked open a door, and shouted, “Avast ye, men! Heave ho and set a course!”

“That’s not fair, I did my part!” I bleated.

“Life isn’t fair, Lass, learn that, and you’ll be better off.”

The captain had dressed me in a baggy shirt and patchy trousers, leaving the coat in his cabin. The inside of the cave where the treasure supposedly was was cold, and I desperately missed the thick coat. My eyesight was better, I could make out more colors and basic shapes, but it wasn’t enough for a daring escape.

Captain Lamiar led me through low overhangs and down a narrow passage.

“There’s another puzzle at the door, you’ll solve it, then I will get my treasure, and send you home,” he growled in my ear.

“Yes Sir.” He was on edge, and my cheek was still sore from the last slap. “But Sir, how do I go back through the portal?”

“With this,” he swung a small blob in front of my face, most likely a pendant, “Oh, you can’t see it, can you?”

“No,” I lied, “what is it?”

“Family trinket, whistle of types. I was blowing it when you fell through this morning. It’s long been thought to have mystical properties,”

“Captain, why don’t you talk like the other pirate?” It seemed a safe question, and the captain chuckled.

“You have good ears. I spent my first ten years on land with Mother, then Father came and killed her, so I left for the sea with him. Been out here ever since,”

“Oh,” that was a bit more gruesome then I was expecting.

We came to a slab blocking our path, we were at the door.

“Rrg, this one’s a riddle,” the captain spat next to my foot, “You up to it?”

I nodded

“What can you break, even if you never pick it up or touch it?”

I laughed. Coming from a man who lied about my conditions of release, it was ironic.

“A promise,” I muttered under my breath. The slab rumbled, and started grinding it’s way aside. My mouth fell open in shock, I hadn’t expected that to be the real answer.

Suddenly, a blinding light exploded from the gap. Captain Lamiar threw his hands to his face, letting go of me. The exposure must have jogged my retina, because when the light faded, I could see clearly. It was a truly awesome sight to come back to. In the open vault was gold and jewels overflowing from barrels, and diamond stalactites hung over head.

I heard a groan behind me, and turned around. Captain Lamiar lay on the ground, still clutching his face. He was a handsome man, with defined features, and dark hair, but what caught my eye was the gold whistle hanging from his neck. Without hesitating, I grabbed it and ran back the way we’d came.

I dashed up the gangplank, past the crew, and down. I didn’t know exactly where I was going, but as long as I was going down, I’d reach the bilge.

“Ay, stop!!” I recognized Jim’s voice, but didn’t look to see his face, I just ran until I found the bilge.

At the bottom of the last flight of steps, I hesitated, the water was dark with a green tint. I heard Jim and the other pirates running after me, and suddenly, the water didn’t look to bad. I put the gold whistle to my lips, closed my eyes, and jumped.

I was on the bathroom floor, soaking wet, and still in the pirate clothes, but I didn’t care. The bathroom was beautiful, and as I raced out to the yard, I decided the rest of the house was, too. I found Mom in the tool shed. I threw my arms around her and started crying.

“It’s perfect here, Mom!” I smiled to myself, maybe I was made for the country, no ships, no pirates, just smelly flowers, and a few housework projects. Plus, it would be easy to repair our new home with the gold I had grabbed on my way out of the cave.

“That was such a long bath that I was starting to get worried, but I’m so glad that it helped you see this place in a different light, Sweetheart. But, umm,” Mom held me at arm’s length, “What are you wearing?”