To Make a Difference

tap tap tap

I tap the border that separates fantasy to reality. I sigh. It's been a few weeks since I've realized my true self. It was a shock when I first realized and I was nervous about the situation I'm in, but now I just feel numb.

A long while ago, I finished a quest, a mission that I dedicated my life to do. The journey took me two years to finish and a lot of losses in between. In the end, I got all I've ever wanted. I had all the treasures I need, no more people to hold me down, and I was happy. I went home to sleep and when I woke up the next morning, I was back to square 1. I went outside to the same people and the same order of events that happened to me during the quest. It was like I was living a broken record, always in a loop of the same doings over and over again. I was confused, lost and conflicted. Conflicted as if I should or should not play along. I spent days, weeks, months searching for an answer.

And then I found this place. The border.

The border was a quiet yet ominous place. It was empty and vast, yet I still feel claustrophobic. It was like a screen. There was a border on the end that felt like a glass-like material. I would sometimes sit there and wonder what was on the other side and let my mind wander until my thoughts became too loud for my own self.

With this newfound discovery of mine, I came to the scary, yet true conclusion that I was fake. Just a mere character that was made to do one thing and one thing only. It was scary.

My life was a fantasy. I've battled monsters and killed demons, I faced hoards of monsters and beasts trying to kill me. But nothing can compare to how scary the truth was. Perhaps the real scary things are not what fantasy holds, but what reality could hold.

Have you ever felt so numb that all you hear is static noise and your vision turns grey? If you do, you'd probably recognize what I felt like.

I'm the only one who even knows this place exists. I tried telling this to someone, like Mary, but she'll just smile and repeat what she was saying.

I found this place a few weeks ago and I would dread this place. Whenever I come here, my stomach would churn and I would feel anything but ease. But weirdly, I keep coming back. I feel weirdly at home here. I guess a sadistic part of me sort of enjoyed the feeling of dread I get. And maybe that's just me. Maybe I am sadistic.

I take a swig of my flask and let the liquid burn my throat. I stare off to the screen and let the flood of 'what if' questions flood my mind.

What if I am just going crazy?

What if all of this is just in my head?

What if there was someone beyond the screen?

What if that person was real?

What if I could meet that person?

What if there are many other realities beyond our's?

What if the reality is scarier than fantasy?

What if there was a way out?

What if I could get out?

What if I had a different purpose?

What if I could change the plotline?

In the myriad of questions floating aimlessly in my head, one stood out and stuck its foot forward.

What if I could make a difference?

I sat there silently for a few minutes, contemplating what to do.

Could I make a difference?

I chuckled at the thought and swigged the last gulp of liquor I had in the flask.

That was all the courage and the push I need to make the leap of faith.

I stood up and walked back to the valley. The white emptiness of the border fading back to its original hue. The color was back and so was everyone. Now that I know the truth, everyone seems so plastic. Like fake beings that are programmed in one not so flexible way.

I looked back at the border, my friend, my enemy. There was a clear contrast between the valley and the border. It's a wonder no one believes me.

I walk to Martha. She was my starter for my quest and gave me instructions on how to proceed. She gives me her once lively smile and says to me for the second time, "Are you ready for this trip Jack?"

"No," I say coldly.

Martha's smile remained but she started to twitch. "Are you ready for this trip Jack?" She repeated to my disliking. "No. I'm not."

She repeated the question, but with a lot more glitching and twitching. Something was off. "A-are yo-great, re-well f-for th-here trip-p j-j-j-j-j"

She stuttered and seized at my name, it was horrifying. Martha collapsed on the floor, seizing like someone had electrocuted her over and over again. That wasn't the worst part. Martha was still smiling her signature smile when all this was happening.

She started... Glitching? Parts of her were turning to black ink and back to her original form. This continued until she was just black disgusting goo.

I looked around me and I see the world fall apart around me. Everything was turning to black ink.

I ran. Don't know where, just run. The sky was turning white. Everything else was melting into a puddle of black ink. The black ink poured down, splashing on my clothes, getting on my face. The puddles of ink reached the height of my ankles, making it harder to move.

I looked back to see the village I used to call home disappear to black ink. I panted and sighed. I was tired of running. I sat down in the black pool. It looked disgusting but it really just felt like slightly thicker water.

I close my eyes for a bit letting my mind wander. I'm alone. Do I regret doing what I did? No. Not really.

I feel the black ink shift under me. I open my eyes to see the ink rise up and contort to letters.

Above me, a few letters float up and form the sentence:

Could I make a difference?

I chuckled and looked around at my surroundings to see the letters surrounding me. I used the letters to build sort of a staircase that led me to the sentence.

I yanked out the words could and I. I switched their positions. I went over to the question mark and broke the top part of it.

I spelled out:

I could make a difference.