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Thriller Crime Romance

All is fair in love and war. Love and war. Two of the most ancient of human endeavors inexplicably linked because of their essentiality to moving the human race forward. 


“Hold on, my mask is fogging up.”


The man dressed entirely in black clipped the walkie-talkie he had been speaking into to the front of his vest and quickly removed his mask, wiping the clear visor with the sleeve of his shirt. 


“I’m good. Let’s move.”


The man moved nimbly through the trees, finally bursting through a dead bush and coming to the edge of a clearing. Diving forward, he came to a stop crouched behind the engine block of an old rusted school bus. Roughly twenty yards in front of the bus was a small decrepit shack. That was their target. 


“I have eyes on the shack. Are we one-hundred percent positive the target is inside the shack?”


“Roger that,” came the reply. “But be careful, intel says there are at least two tangos inside.”


The man checked his weapon one more time and took a few deep breaths. “On my count. One. Two. Three.”


The man in black came around the hood of the bus and took off in a dead sprint for the shack. Three other similarly dressed men emerged from the trees, weapons in hand, on the move. Four versus two. It was going to be a slaughter. 


The man in black made it to the shack first and hit the front door hard. The brittle wood shattered under the force of his muscular shoulder, and he spun to the right. He rapidly squeezed the double-trigger on his gun and hit the first tango in the shoulder and then in the stomach. 


“Behind you!” Someone outside the shed shouted.


The man in black spun around and came face to face with a slim figure also dressed entirely in black. He could tell by the hourglass shape of the body that it was a woman. A blond ponytail stuck out from the back of her mask, and she had her hands in the air. The man in black didn’t hesitate and squeezed the trigger twice. Red instantly covered her chest and stomach. Game over.


“I had my hands in the air, jerk!” She shouted. 


The man in black laughed and ripped off his mask, wiping the sweat from his face. “This is paintball, Cara. I know you; you would have immediately shot me in the back as soon as I turned around.”


She removed her mask and smiled. That adorable smile where she blushed, cocked her head to the right and glanced down at the floor. “Whatever, Jack,” she said, brushing some loose strands of hair back and moving toward the door of the shack. “I’m done with this. That actually hurt.”


“Come on. One more round?”


“No way. I’m going to have these bruises for weeks.”


They stepped out of the shack and into the sunlight.


“You’re going to have to pay to replace that door, you know,” she said as they sat beside each other with their backs leaning against the shack. The other paintballers were already making their way to their respective bases to strategize for the next fight.


“Water?” Jack said.


“Please.”


Jack dug around in his backpack and came up with one unopened bottle. “I only have one.”


“We can share,” Cara said, taking the bottle, breaking the seal, and taking a long drink. She handed the bottle back and let her head fall back, looking up at the puffy clouds floating among a perfectly blue sky. 


Jack took a drink from the bottle and then splashed some on his head in an effort to cool himself down. The scene was serene. The sounds of walkie-talkies crackling, paintball markers going off, and players shouting had been replaced by birds singing, leaves rustling, and squirrels scampering around in search of a nut. 


“So,” Cara began. “Have you gotten your N-400 back yet?” She was referring to the naturalization form that—if approved—would allow him to become an American citizen.


“Not yet. America’s immigration system is a—” He stopped himself. Cara hated it when he cussed. “It sucks.”


“Well…” she said a bit more hesitantly. “Have you talked to my father…about us?”


Jack’s stomach twisted a bit, and he shifted uncomfortably. After all, her words could easily be interpreted as: are you going to ask me to marry you? In reality, the question was a fair one. They had been together for nearly four years, ever since their first meeting at the Kerckhoff Coffee House on the UCLA campus. 


She was there as a political science major. Nice. She knew three languages. Cool. She played the violin. Awesome. She was gorgeous. Even better. Her father was a well-connected US senator on the Intelligence Committee. Perfect.


He was also studying political science. He was there as an exchange student from Ukraine. He was going through the naturalization process. 


Or so he had said.


“Not yet, Cara. You know how I feel about you, and I want to get married, but I want to finish the naturalization process and pay off some of my debt first.”


“You know as well as I do that we don’t have much time. I want to get it done before…” Her voice trailed off. 


“I know, Cara. I know. Please don’t worry.”


“Your naturalization probably would have gone a lot faster if we had gotten married.”


“I’ll talk to him soon,” he lied. 


She sighed and grabbed the water bottle from his hand. “It’s so hot today.”


He nodded absent-mindedly. He thought back again to their first meeting. She had fallen for him instantly. He was tall and muscular with a chiseled face but a smile that made him seem so…approachable. She had made the first move, sitting down across from him, an iced chai tea in her right hand.


“You look like you need some company,” she had said. 


He remembered everything about that day. She was wearing a green sweater with brown ankle-high boots. Her hair was in a messy bun, and her Gucci glasses were just a tad too low on her nose. An attempt to show off her perfectly-manicured eyebrows, he guessed.


“I kind of do,” he had replied. He had fallen for her hard. And that was the problem.


Because now he had to kill her.


* * *


He never expected to have to kill the girl. He was a young FSB case officer on the rise when leadership approached him with the mission: move to America and hook up with a certain pretty girl to gain access to her well-connected father. A reverse honey trap.


“Is this something you think you can do?” They had asked Vitaliy—or Jack as he was known in America. 


Of course, he thought he could do it. He was young, reckless, and confident. And within a month of moving to America, he had the girl wrapped around his finger. But not just her. Cara’s mother swooned over the respectful young man who dropped in every Sunday afternoon for dinner, didn’t keep Cara out too late (most of the time), and periodically had flowers delivered for both daughter and mother. He was the perfect future son-in-law. 


Even Cara’s father—the powerful chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee—liked him. The young man was willing to help whenever and wherever he was needed. The Senator had even occasionally spoken of him on the campaign trail when discussing immigration during his successful reelection campaign the previous year. 


In short, Jack—or Vitaliy—was loved and trusted by Cara and her parents, and he had used that exceedingly to his advantage.


Because of Jack, the FSB had been warned ahead of time of a plot by a group of CIA-funded Russian dissidents to bust Kremlin-critic Sergei Morozov out of jail. Because of Jack, the FSB had arrested five moles within the president’s office. And because of Jack, an outlandish plot to assassinate the Russian prime minister had been foiled and the perpetrator executed. 


Everything was perfect. Russia got what it wanted, and Jack got a beautiful blond American girl. That was until the cancer diagnosis. Then, in what came as a shock to the political world, the Senator announced he had been diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer and had less than a year to live.


The next day the FSB contacted Jack via secure means and told him it was time to pull out. The mission was over, and he was to come back to Russia.


And then another message came through: Eliminate Cara. Make it look like an accident.


The FSB hated leaving even the slightest liabilities or loose ends. But it was at that moment, he realized that Cara didn’t just love him; he loved Cara. He truly didn’t want to kill her. In his mind, a balance scale swayed back and forth. On one side was the option to kill Cara. On the other side was the option to refuse and run from the FSB for the rest of his life. He shuddered just thinking about what they would do to him if he were ever caught. He had been to the basement of Lubyanka and heard the tortured, un-human shrieks of the individuals unfortunate enough to cross the FSB. If caught, his punishment would be far worse than execution.


He really only had one choice.


* * *


They were once again among the trees. While Jack and Cara both enjoyed relaxing and partying on the beaches of LA, Cara was a born and bred San Francisco girl, and there was no place she loved to be more than among the redwoods of Northern California. 


Light streamed through the branches above and lighted the intimate trail they were on with patches of bright sunlight. The trees around them were covered in spongy moss, and bright green ferns lined the path they were following. Jack could sense Cara was giddy. They had had a wonderful few days at Cara’s parent’s secluded log cabin and set out early in the morning to do some hiking. Jack could tell Cara believed today was the day. Today was the day when their new life would begin.


The path ahead dead-ended at the foot of a massive redwood that stretched nearly three hundred feet into the air and had a circumference of at least one hundred feet. All along the bottom of the tree and going at least ten feet up, initials were scratched into the bark. For years, lovers had stopped at this spot and linked their lives together by carving their names side-by-side in the living bark.


“Do you have a knife?” Cara asked, placing her soft hand on the craggy wood.


Jack pulled one out of his pocket and stepped forward. JW + CL. He encircled the four letters within a heart. 


They sat together in the dirt, hand in hand with their backs to the tree. 


“Have you gotten your N-400 back?” 


“Cara, why do you keep asking?” Jack replied. “When I do, you will be the first to know.”


“You’re never very forthright with information. Sometimes it takes a little prying.” She paused, and Jack knew the next question. But it never came. She said nothing.


And there they sat. The only sounds being the birds singing, leaves rustling, and squirrels scampering around in search of a nut. A thousand thoughts were going through Jack’s mind. One was that the gun underneath his jacket had never felt so heavy.


Jack looked over at the beautiful girl he had now known for four years and noticed that she was silently crying. Wet streaks were running down each of here cheeks. Jack sighed and squeezed her hand. Her skin was soft and smooth.


Jack finally broke the silence. “I’m so sorry, Cara. I’ve lied to you. I’ve worn a mask of deceit for the past four years, stringing you along to gain access to your father.” He didn’t know where those words had come from, but they were now gushing out. “I’m a foreign agent, Cara. I was sent to meet you to steal secrets from your dad.”


Cara was speechless. Her face was a look of pure surprise. “What—what are you saying?”


Jack ignored her question. “The thing is, Cara. I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment we met at the cafe. I love everything about you.” He stopped and looked at the dirt. Ants were crawling around on his left leg, but he did nothing. “My name isn’t Jack. It’s Vitaliy. I’m Russian.” Vitaliy suddenly stood up and turned to face Cara. The mask was off. He could tell by the look on her face that she was struggling to comprehend the words coming out of his mouth. But it didn’t matter.


Vitaliy dropped to one knee and reached into his jacket. “Cara, please forgive me.” Instead of a ring, Vitality pulled out a pistol. This didn’t need to look like an accident.


Screw the FSB.


A single gunshot echoed through the redwoods. 


December 05, 2021 01:09

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26 comments

Melissa Balick
19:57 Dec 11, 2021

I think this is great… I’m not sure who he shot at the end, but I think that’s okay. Anyway, I’m shortlisting it up to the next level of judging. Good luck.

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Antonio Jimenez
22:09 Dec 11, 2021

Thanks, I left it open to interpretation. I was tempted to change it to “Two gunshots echoed through the redwoods” but decided to leave it. Glad you enjoyed it!

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Amanda Lieser
21:17 Dec 15, 2021

Hi Antonio, I really liked this piece and I’m enjoying getting to provide feedback through the critique circles. I agree with Melissa that I wasn’t sure about the ending, but I loved it all the same. Also, I thought you did a great job of creating intrigue through the whole piece. It reminded me of the show “The Blacklist.” I’d love to hear what inspired you. Thank you for writing this piece and I’m excited to hear your feedback on mine!

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Antonio Jimenez
22:39 Dec 15, 2021

Thanks so much! I’ll be sure to check yours out tonight. Honestly, I had a starting point in mind but I wasn’t completely sure where I was going to end up with it. I gravitate towards spy/espionage stuff just from the books I read. There were multiple routes I could have taken to get to where I ended up, but that’s basically where I’m most comfortable.

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Amanda Lieser
22:40 Dec 15, 2021

That is so cool! Thank you for sharing your thought process. I took a look at some of your other work. You are a very talented writer!!

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Deborah Elliott
00:18 Dec 07, 2021

Antonio, I loved how you drew us into what we thought was a real covert mission and made it a paintball fight. Brilliant. Keep practicing the romance. Don't worry about offending anyone. In the words of Ernest Hemmingway, "Write drunk, edit sober." Just get it on paper. I am not sure I liked the ending...My guess would be that he knew he couldn't save her because if he took himself out, the agency would just send someone else to finish the job. I think he killed her and took his broken heart with him. He was a professional. You coul...

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Antonio Jimenez
01:20 Dec 07, 2021

Hmm, the ending is difficult because there are multiple angles to come at it. What about making it read “two gunshots”? Not as open ended, but he shot her and than himself. Maybe add in a part about without her love there was nothing to live for?? Kinda cliched but just spitballing

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Colin Devonshire
07:30 Dec 06, 2021

I'm glad you asked me to read your story. Brilliant, loved it. Got to have a great chance. Pull the trigger!

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Antonio Jimenez
07:33 Dec 06, 2021

Thanks, I probably will!

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Corey Melin
02:48 Dec 06, 2021

Enjoyed the read. One spot where tears down her cheeks but you spelled it check. When it comes to the contest the best is to read some of the ones that have won and ponder upon your chances. I know by reading some myself it’s a roll of the dice. Some are well deserved while others not so much. But everyone has their tastes. You have a chance with this one but reading others I would say not high on the list. I liked your story and would say give it a shot. If nothing there are other contests this story will fit better

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Antonio Jimenez
06:17 Dec 06, 2021

Thanks, I’ll fix that. Yeah, I agree with you about the contest. Some of the winners are absolutely incredible while some are kind of average.

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Corey Melin
00:56 Dec 07, 2021

When I first started I stopped submitting after a few months thinking the contest was rigged. I would see someone that wrote one story for reedsy and win. Figured it had to be an employee. Got over my ridiculous thought. Best of luck

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Chesley Richards
02:07 Dec 06, 2021

Antonio, I liked the story very much. Nice job. First, the paintball was nicely done. Second, the whole FSB angle caught me by surprise. And the ending, well that was a twist I didn't see coming. As for the "screw the Russians", I understand that some commenters might cringe at offending other readers. Thats understandable. On the other hand, its your characters thought, not necessarily yours. It has to be believable in his world, and I thought that if he is Ukrainian, working for FSB, then the line makes some sense. If he is Russian, then ...

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Antonio Jimenez
06:19 Dec 06, 2021

Yeah, I’ve gotten two comments about that so I’ll probably make the change. About the ending, what do you think happened? I left it open: did he shoot her? Did he shoot himself? Curious on what your first thoughts were.

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Chesley Richards
21:38 Dec 06, 2021

I thought that he shot himself. I imagined that the choice had become intolerable and that he knew that if he couldn't kill her, he would eventually be killed by the FSB. By killing himself, he separated himself from her fate and possibly saved her. At least that's the way I saw it.

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Antonio Jimenez
22:39 Dec 06, 2021

Ok, that’s more what I was pushing towards for the exacts reasons you gave. Thanks for your feedback!

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Jubilee Forbess
14:58 Dec 05, 2021

Hi Antonio! I liked this story a lot, the only thing is that it's vaguely targeted (pun yes intended) towards the Russians, especially with the final note of, you know, screw the Russians! That was not too fun to read, even though I know it is a fiction story, fiction does influence the way people think and act, so I'd be really careful with how you portray people from around the world. Besides that, though, I think you did a good job. I can tell it was the first romance story for you mainly because of the dialogue, it wasn't very natural an...

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Antonio Jimenez
19:49 Dec 05, 2021

Ok, I included the bit about the Russians because he was working for the FSB is their version of the CIA. Maybe change Russians to FSB at the end? And no, I’ve read very little romance lol. I didn’t mean for the story to head that way but I kind of just went with it. I’ll try to work on the dialogue.

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Susan Catucci
19:49 Dec 01, 2022

I think this was really top-notch, twisty, leave-you-guessing story-telling, and a terrific use of the prompt. A lot of pieces to this puzzle that you really managed to tie together and ultimately led to me feeling anxious about what "Jack" was going to do. Of course, I'm not really sure what that is, but admit I enjoyed playing out all the scenarios in my head - I'm thinking he shot in the air and they ran off together and changed their identities and lived fugitives-ever-after. You've got a novel here, Antonio! It all just worked and ...

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Tommy Goround
04:31 Aug 14, 2022

:clapping. Solid.

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Ray Dyer
20:12 Dec 20, 2021

Hi, Antonio! I apologize I didn't get to read this story sooner - my wife and daughter were hit with Covid, and the last month or so kind of dissolves out of memory. I see a comment on the list that it was shortlisted, but I don't see that it appears on the shortlist - I'm not sure that I understand how Reedsy works at this point. This is a great story. The only suggestion I would make would be to shorten the section in the middle that gives the background. It's telling, rather than showing, and really contains an entire (good!) novel's...

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Antonio Jimenez
01:29 Dec 22, 2021

Hey Ray, thanks for the comment. I’m honestly not completely sure how Reedsy works either. Before the judging, the story was the 5th most “liked” out of over 300. Oh well 🤷🏻‍♂️ Thanks for your comments. I think “telling” rather than “showing” is something I easily fall into during the middle parts of my stories. It’s easy to just put it in cruise and get the info out before moving to the more interesting parts. Thanks again!

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Abhijith Krishna
18:10 Dec 13, 2021

Superb story. I wait for your More stories ☺️

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Antonio Jimenez
18:52 Dec 13, 2021

Thanks so much! I will keep trying!

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Antonio Jimenez
01:14 Dec 05, 2021

Let me know if I should submit it to the contest.

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Antonio Jimenez
01:12 Dec 05, 2021

All right, guys, this was a doozy to write. I didn't really know where I was going so it was very stream of consciousness. The second section probably needs a lot of work. I also left the ending very open-ended. Let me know what you think about it. I need the help. Thanks!

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