What's in a Name?

What’s in a Name?

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…”

Shakespeare; Romeo and Juliet

Judge Lester Larson’s Courtroom:

Judge: “And you are here today to have your name legally changed?”

Petitioner: “Yes, your Honor. That is correct.”

Judge: “And what is your name now, sir?”

Petitioner: “Bob Shits.”

Judge: "Oh, my goodness, young man. How dreadful. I can certainly see why you want to change your name. You won’t need to give any testimony. Petition granted. And what would you want to change your name to?”

Petitioner: “Joe Shits.”

Judge: “Uh… I see. Have a good day, sir. Next case.”

Clerk: “Case Number 2024-783, the Petition of B.B. Wolf for a change of his name.”

Judge: “You may remain seated at the table, Mr. Wolf. You understand we just need to ascertain that you are not seeking a name change to hide from the law or from creditors or for some other nefarious reason?”

Mr. Wolf: “Yes, your honor. I understand.”

Judge: “Before we begin, I couldn’t help but notice what big eyes, big ears, big hands, and big mouth you have. And the long bushy tail. I’m wondering, Mr. Wolf if…well, if you…””

Mr. Wolf: “Yes, your honor. I know where you’re going with that. Yes, I am a wolf.”

Judge: “Well, thank you, sir. Yes, that is what I was wondering. And please be assured it makes no difference to me. All who appear in this court are treated equally.”

Mr. Wolf: “Thank you, your honor.”

Judge: “Could you tell me what the initials B.B. stand for?”

Mr. Wolf: “Big Bad, your honor.”

Judge: “Big Bad? Big Bad… Wolf? You are the Big Bad Wolf?”

Mr. Wolf: “Yes, your honor.”

Judge: “I’ve heard about you. Nice to meet you, Big Bad.”

Mr. Wolf: “Nice to meet you, sir.”

Judge: “So, Mr. Wolf, I can certainly understand why you’d want to drop the ‘Big Bad’ moniker. That doesn’t sound very complimentary.”

Mr. Wolf: “Oh, no, your honor. I like being called ‘Big Bad’, you know, kind of makes me sound like a tough guy, real macho stuff. I just don’t want to be known as Wolf.”

Judge: “Wolf? What’s wrong with Wolf?”

Mr. Wolf: “It’s so unfair, but there are just too many negative connotations associated with ‘wolf’. The wolf is the most misunderstood, loathed, and feared animal in the world. The wolf is at the door, throw him to the wolves, the Wolf of Wall Street. It’s all bad stuff your honor. And it’s been going on forever. The Bible says beware a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They could have used a lion or bear, but no, they went with a wolf to make it scarier. And when they want a terrifying creature for the movies or TV, they come up with a werewolf. You don’t see any were-bears, were-deer, or were-bunnies scaring kids at Halloween.”

Judge: “I see your point, Mr. Wolf. Wolves have always seemed very scary to me.”

Mr. Wolf: “It’s darn near like having the last name Frankenstein or Dracula. As soon as people hear Wolf, they fear me and don’t like me.”

Judge: “But Mr. Wolf, wolves do have a long history of committing horrible deeds, and if we take the Wolf out of your name, people may lose that ability to be forewarned of the danger you might present.”

Mr. Wolf: “Your honor, in all due respect, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I can assure you wolves are a gentle, peace-loving lot. There has never been a single documented case of a wolf causing harm to any living creature.”

Judge: “Excuse me, Mr. Wolf, but I wasn’t born yesterday. I believe there have been many cases of vicious, despicable acts committed by wolves.”

Mr. Wolf: “I don’t think so. What have you heard?”

Judge: “How about the very disturbing case of Little Red Riding Hood?”

Mr. Wolf: “Myth, fable, poppycock! I know that case! My Grandfather Willie “BB” Wolf was the fall guy in that one. He told me all about it.”

Judge: “Your Grandfather was the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood?! I’d like to hear about that, Mr. Wolf.”

Mr. Wolf: “The sweet little old grandma in the story- she was a dealer, and Little Red Riding Hood was her runner. Willie was working undercover trying to take down the whole operation.”

 Judge: “What? Grandma was a dealer?”

Mr.Wolf: “Big time. Uppers, downers, sideways swings, whatever you wanted, Granny had it.”

Judge: “Oh, my goodness. I never heard about that.”

Mr. Wolf: “Not many have. The wolf always gets the bad press. But this is how it went down. Willie got a tip. Little Red Riding Hood… by the way, she wasn’t so little… she was twenty-three and turning tricks when granny didn’t need her…she had an escort website- ‘Red Hot in the Hood’. Anyway, she had just made a big delivery and was bringing the cash back to Granny. Willie tracked her for two hours. She kept crisscrossing and backtracking through the woods trying to throw him off her trail, but he caught a break. He saw the smoke coming out of Granny’s chimney and got there just in time to see Red going inside. Willie didn’t have time to wait for backup so he went in for the bust. When he broke through the door, their enforcer, some guy named Hunstman, was there with a freaking 357 Magnum. He shot Willie seven times, but he still got away.”

Judge: “Seven times and he lived?”

Mr. Wolf: “Wolves are tough, your honor. They made up the whole wine and bread for the ailing Granny crap as a cover for what was really going on up the hill at Granny’s house. The Grimms got paid ten grand to write it up that way.”

Judge: “I never knew that, but what about all the others?”

Mr. Wolf: “What others?”

Judge: “Well, what about the Three Little Pigs? A wolf tried to eat those three little guys. He chased them all over town. He even tried to destroy their homes.”

Mr. Wolf: “Your honor, wolves don’t even eat pork. Leviticus 11:7-8. And that whole huff and puff and blow your house down stuff was total BS. Who the hell could blow houses down like that?

Judge: “That does sound a little implausible.”

Mr. Wolf: “Well, I can give you the straight scoop on that one too. You see, Uncle Wally “BB” Wolf immigrated here from Ireland. He and his wife Wilma worked hard, saved their money, and bought a little place in the country. Life was good. Then one day three city pigs bought the piece of land next door. Do you know what it’s like to live next to a pig farm? Let me just say it’s not like having Coco Chanel for a neighbor.”

Judge: “My wife likes that Coco Chanel No. 5 stuff.”

Mr. Wolf: “I bet she never slopped on Eau de Pig. So, the whole area stunk to high heaven. Wally, Wilma, and their five little pups could hardly breathe. Wally tried talking to the three pigs about the problem. Wilma even brought them three of her colorful crocheted Afghans and a plate of her famous homemade chocolate chip cookies. They wouldn’t even listen to our concerns.”

Judge: “Three Afghans for the Three Little Pigs… pigs in a blanket. I’ve heard of that.”

Mr. Wolf: “So Wally put up little fans along his property line to keep the foul air out. The Three Little Pigs put up bigger fans to push the stinky air in. Wally put up a portable shower next to their property thinking that might encourage them to bathe once in a while. Wilma even knitted some nice towels for them, with pig faces on one side and cute little pig butts on the other., you know, just to keep things nice and sanitary. They never used the shower, and they sold the towels!”

Judge: “The lowlifes!”

Mr. Wolf: “And then insult to injury- the Three Little Pigs went on an all-beans diet just to juice up their weaponry in their all-out assault on poor Wally and his family. They put little chairs in their backyard, downed vast quantities of beans, passed gas, and laughed at the suffering of their neighbors.”

Judge: “Despicable!”

Mr. Wolf: “We wolves are law-abiding folks, so Wally went to the Town Zoning Board and filed a complaint. Their entire investigating team passed out within minutes of getting out of their cars when they visited the site so the three-house pig farm was condemned. The Three Little Pigs were a vindictive bunch, and they tracked down the notorious wolf-phobia-obsessed Grimm Brothers to fabricate a ridiculous story placing the blame on an easy target- wolves.”

Judge: “That is so unfair!”

Mr. Wolf: “Tell me about it. We wolves had to live under the shadow of these false fairy tales for generations.”

Judge: “Sounds like you wolves have gotten a bad rap. What are wolves really like?”

Mr. Wolf: “Every so often the truth comes out, and we’ll see something that shows the warmth and generosity of the wolf.”

Judge: “Like…?”

Mr. Wolf: “Like Kevin Kostner’s buddy Two Socks. A man and a wolf sort of traveled through the movie together. There was an unspoken bond there, friends at a distance, mutual respect and admiration.”

Judge: “I loved that movie.”

Mr. Wolf: “Or Teen Wolf. He was the most popular kid in the high school and a great basketball player. And of course the best example of what wolves are really like- The Jungle Book. Two wolves take in that little Mowgli kid and raise him, feed him, protect him, nurture him, and yes, love him. That is the true nature of the wolf. But unfortunately, the overwhelming press we’ve received has been negative so I no longer want to be known as BB Wolf.”

Judge: “It is indeed unfair, but I understand. Your Petition is approved. Have you settled on a new name?”

Mr. Wolf: “I’ve given this a lot of thought, your honor. I want a name that will evoke warm and fuzzy feelings, and make children smile when they hear it like they do with Santa, Tinkerbell, and Paddington Bear.”

Judge: “That is so sweet. And what do you want to change your name to?”

Mr. Wolf: “When I walk out of this courtroom, for the rest of my days I want to be known as the Big Bad Lethal Lobo, Scourge of the Jungle and All Living Things.”

Judge: “Uh… I see. Clerk, please call the next case.”