Cul-de-sac Blues

“Lindsey… Lindsey! Can you hear me?”

“Of course I can hear you, Betty, why are you whispering though? Are you okay?”

“Someone came tearing through the cul-de-sac on a bicycle, or a motorcycle... or something, a minute ago, and just now I saw someone outside your house!”

“Oh, my… okay dearie. Well, thanks for calling, I’ll have Frank take a look.”

“You better, could be a murderer. I saw on CNN how-”

“Frank!”

“What, what? I just laid down.”

“Betty’s stalking again.”

“Oh sweet heavens... Well; least she warned ya’ this time, before calling the HOA... What’s her problem now? Too many cactusus’ in the front yard? Cactusus’… no, cacti; too many prickly things anyway... she can’t stand the competition...”

“Oh! Everybody listen to the funny man! People’ll be comin’ from miles around to see the funny man... She said she saw someone outside our house.”

“Surprised she can see anything, all the way across the cul-de-sac.”

“Well, apparently, she can. You gonna take a look?”

“No.”

“Such a big, strong, he-man of a fella’. You do know how to make a lady feel safe.”

“Get Tomla to do it.”

“You’d hide behind a Jamaican woman?”

“Hide behind? She’s six feet tall! She’d crush whoever, it was, ‘like grape, between thighs…’  

“That’s Zangief, darling.”

“Buuuut, what I actually meant was; get the new, ‘flavor-of-the-month,’ to do it.”

“Marty? That weirdo? How?”

“You’ll thinnnk of somethi...”

“Hey, Tomla. How you doin?”

“You know, mon; nothin’ ever changin’ over here. ‘Bout you?”

“Same ol’, same ol’. Crazy old Betty thinks she saw someone prowlin’ around my house.”

“Ya? An’ what’s that man of yours doin’ ‘bout it?”

“What you think? Sleepin’.”

“Least he not a drunk.”

“That’ would take too much energy… You think Marty would take a peek?”

“Honey, he do anythin’ I tell him to.”

“Like that, is it?”

“It always like that.”

“For a while...”

“Ha, ha, ha, yeah mon, for a while.”

“What you doin’ with a whitey anyway?”

“Ya, weird, isn’t it. Usually, I like my men like I like my grapes.”

“Round and dark?”

“Nah, honey; twenty at a time.”

“Wow.”

“Marty! Marty, stop messin’ with that machine and go poke round Lindsey’s house. Crazy ol, lady at the corner think she seen somethin’.”

“Kinda… in the middle of... something... here, Tomla.”

“Well, you better stop bein’ in the middle of, ‘somethin, here,’ less you don’t wanna be in the middle of somethin’ else later on.”

“But the Dragon Tail calls, babe, if I don’t get this carburetor to stop actin’ up, we ain’t gonna run it this weekend.”

“Maybe I think of somethin’ else for you to run up and down... all weekend long.”

“Not with my buddies...”

“I didn’t say that, mon…”

“Lindsey’s, did you say? I guess it don’t matter if I go over all greasy?”

“Long as you don’t come back clean.”

“Armondo? Hey, bro, yeah, hey. You wanna walk over to Frank and Lindsey’s with me?”

“I don't know, my friend. Why would we want to do that?”

“Guess Lindsey saw someone outside her window?”

“Frank is not there?”

“Guess not, Tomla’s practically on her knees beggin’ me to go over and take a look, so; what you gonna’ do?”

“Speaking of things seen through windows; why do you not ask Mike to go?”

“Ha, ha, ha.. That’s messed up! You’re so... how do you even... Ha, ha, ha, man, that’s so wacked! You know he doesn’t think anyone can see him!”

“Yes, well, there is such a thing as light saturation levels when buying living room curtains, too.”

“Tru dat. Wow. Well, come on, tag along and maybe you can chat up Lindsey while Frank’s out and- What was that bang?”

“What bang?”

“That bang I just heard.”

“I did not hear a bang.”

“Well, I did.”

“I am sorry.”

“It’s alright. So… about the nubile Lindsey.”

“Lindsey is not nubile.”

“She’s sexy enough, for a skinny chick.”

“That is as may be, but she is already married, therefore, not nubile.”

“Oh, is that what it means? I thought it just meant sexy. Well, Frank’s in absentia, in any event…”  

“My friend, if I was going to chat up anybody, it would be Mrs. Tomla.”

“Tomla? You mean, my Tomla? Not worth your time, homie. She’s a prude.”

“Really? She has such a... vivacity. Let me get right back to you.”

“Betty, how are you doing, my dear?”

“Who is this?”

“It is Armondo, dear. Listen my sweet; have you been looking out your windows again?”

“What’s that to you?”

“Not a thing. I just wondered if you happened to-”

“I don’t spy on the cul-de-sac. How did you get my number?”

“Betty... dear. This is Armon-”

“I know who it is! Why are you calling me? What do you want? I’ll phone up the police if you harass me! I have their number right here on a sticker!”

“Never mind, dear, I will-”

“Hello, Herman, my friend. This is-”

“Armondo, you crazy bastard, how’s it hangin’?”

“Not a thing, I mean, very well, my… well, a little thing is up. I guess Marty saw something over at Frank's house and-”

“Call Betty! Crazy ol’ bird! You know she watches everything that happens in the neighborhood. Make her feel useful, for once.”

“Yes, yes, I did call her, unfortunately, the call was intur-”

“Hung up on you, did she!”

“I am not sure, the call was intur-”

“Of course she hung up on you! Old birds’ crazier than a rat in a tin shit house; ya’ damn foreigner! Ha, ha, ha, ha! She’s been the same way for fifty years. Well, nah, she didn’t get really bad until Walter died, that was back in ‘73, got wrapped up round the wheels of a Semi. Damn shame, damn shame. Then, after her boys left to-”

“Herman?”

“Go out with that wheat company. Silliest thing they ever did, ‘cept marryin’ those Beuford sisters, of course. Well, the fellas with the wheat-”

“Herman?”

“Company had some fool notion as they were gonna’ revitalize the dust bowl, or something like that, make money out of nothin’, which works about as often as you’d think it does. Hell, if it was that easy, everybody’d be doin’ it, now-”

“Herman!”

“Yes, yes, yes, Armondo; what can I do for ya?”

“Have you seen anything today?”

“Haven’t seen or heard a damn thing! Been waitin’ all day for my paper.”

“You are getting the newspaper now?”

“What?”

“You are getting the newspaper now?”

“Yeah, just started, new distributor.”

“And, what is the cos-”

“The cost? Free, at least, for the first month. After that, who knows. Haven’t got the damn thing anyway.”

“But, your window shades are dra-”

“Of course they’re drawn! Don’t want every John, Tom and Larry, leerin’ in at me!”

“Then, how would you know if you have receive-”

“Got ears, my boy, haven’t I! Ears of a lynx! Haven’t heard a damn thing!”

“Hello, Mike?”

“Yes, sir; this is Mike. Who is this?”

“It is Armondo. I am your neighbor on the other side of the island.”

“Oh yes, Armondo. How pleasant to hear from you. What may I do for you today?”

“Well, apparently, Lindsey has seen someone prowling around the neighborhood, and we were wondering if you had seen anything?”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t. I keep my blackout curtains pulled most of the time. I have a darkroom here, you know, and it’s easier to limit all light coming in. You understand, don’t you?”

“I understand indeed, sometimes, when I put on my ceremonials for the zoom calls I do the same. I do not want people thinking I am crazy.”

“Ceremonial robes? Like a dress up? That must be very interesting. But, as I say, I have not seen anything. I did hear a bang. Perhaps, five minutes ago? Could that have anything to do with it?”

“I do not know.”

“Did you call Mrs. Betty.”

“I have tried, the call was interrupted.”

“I’ll try, give me a moment.”

“Hello Betty, this is Mike-”

“Pervert!”

“Hello Lindsey. This is Armondo.”

“Hey Sweetie, how ya’ doing?”

“I, um, I am doing very well, thank you. And you are? How are you? Doing?”

“Wonderful. Living the dream. What can I do for you?”

“I, um, is Frank home?”

“Asleep, as usual. Is it important?”

“No. I suppose it is nothing important. So, Frank is still working the night job?”

“Yeah, swing shift. They keep him out all hours. I just sit around the house... all by myself. Hello? Armondo?”

“Jason?”

“What?”

“Jason?”

“I can’t hear you! Who is this?”

“Jason, this is Rob.”

“Hang on!”

“Who is this?”

“This is Rob.”

“Oh, sorry sir. I had to pull over and take off my headphones. What’s up, I mean, what can I do for you?”

“Did you drop off Mr. Smith’s paper?”

“Mr. Smith’s paper? Which Mr. Smith?”

“Mr... Herman... Smith, at Tavail Court.”

“That’s a roger sir, ‘bout 15 minutes ago.”

“Well, he’s all over the horn yelling that he didn’t get one.”

“I dropped it off sir, threw it right up onto the porch.”

“Well, I’m sure you did, but you know what circulation is like these days, my boy. We can’t afford to lose a new subscription. Get back over there and drop off another one, we’ll comp it.”

“But sir, that’s a quarter of an hour, and I’m on a bike!”

“Can’t be helped Jason.”

“Yes sir…”

“That’s a lad. Give me a call after you’ve delivered the replacement.”

“Lindsey, did they find him?”

“Find who, Betty?”

“That man slinking around your house! Must be half the cul-de-sac out on the island.”

“I think they’re just lookin’ round things Betty, it’s nothing to worry your head about.”

“Don’t you sass me, young lady. If I didn’t keep an eye on this place, I’d like to know who would!”

“Yesss Betty. I’ll let you know if they find anything... but they won’t”

“What did you say?”

“I said, I’ll let you know if they find anything… butter… doughnut. By Betty.”

“Hey Armondo. You see anythin’?”

“My friend, this is silly. I feel like I am in a beer commercial, or I would, if we had any- oh, thank you my friend. Is it a twist off?”

“One way to find out.”

“Ahh. Hello Mike, I have not seen you in a long while. Would you like one of Marty’s beers?”

“Easy there comanche…”

“No thank you, fella’s, just thought I would come out and see what was going on.”

“Hell Mike, I don’t even know. I’m just out here ‘cus the old lady keeps harpin’ on. A stalker… It’s the middle of the day, for cripes sake.”

“Well, woman…”

“Yeah, Armondo, you know what they say, if it wears a skirt it’ll give you trouble. How you feel about that Mike? Anything that wears a skirt is a pain in the ass, right? Ha, ha… right?”

“Here comes Mr. Herman. I am surprised he is out, he was waiting for the newspaper to be delivered. Trying a new company, he says.

“Herman!”

“Herma- sweet Jebus! Get out of the- Damn, kid nearly rode him down! Forget prowlers, what we gonna do about these crazy kids? Anybody know him?”

“Who?”

“That kid on the bike, of course.”

“No”

“No, my friend.”

“See, he doesn't even live in this loop.”

“Hells bells troops, where’s the fire?”

“Hey Herm.”

“Hello, Mr. Herman. There is no fire, we were looking for the intru-”

“Damn son, there ain’t no intruder, that’s all just bat crazy Bessy gettin’ paranoid. 

“Maybe you are right, sir. Maybe I will be asking Mrs. Tomila if she has seen anything.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

“Marty, how the hell you doin’ these days?”

“Not bad Herm; you ever get that paper?”

“Man says I will, shortly, if not I’ll raise hell ‘bout it again.”

“Where is Armondo going?”

“Donno Mike. He’s a little strange. Hey, Armon- There’s that bang again! Did you guys hear that… you did, right.”

“Certainly.”

“Hell yeah I did; told you I’ve got the ears of a lynx.”

“You’re deaf as a post.”

“What?”

“I said, you never told me anything, Herm, you must be slippin’. Jehoshaphat, here comes that kid again. Must just be joyriding; wonder how he’d like a stick in his spokes...”

“Hello Mrs. Tomila. How are you doing this day?”

“Well, it’s the little Armenian man. You finally come knockin’ on my door, mon, you wantin’ somethin’ from me at last?”

“No, ma’am, I am needing nothing. I am quite content. I was only wondering if you had seen anything else about this mysterious stranger?”

“No, you got it wrong, mon. I’m no seein’ anybody, it’s Mrs. Betty as is seein’ things.”

“Mrs. Betty? I thought it was Lindsey? Mrs. Betty will not be talking to me.”

“If you thought it was Mrs. Lindsey who say she seen some bad man, why you come knockin’ on my door? You know that man of mine is out and about, what you thinkin’ ‘bout doin’ to me?”

“I would never think of anything, ma’am, I have the highest of respects and, furthermore-”

“What those crazies doin’ out there.”

“Out where, ma’am?”

“On the island; Marty, and Herman and the prissy man, Mike. They best not be doin’ nothin’ to that boy.”

“What boy?”

“That boy, on the- hang on, mon, phones ringin’. Come on into the house.”

“It would not be respectful- oh, okay, yes ma’am, I come.”

“Hello.”

“Mr. Rob?”

“I told you Jason; plain Rob is fine. Did you redeliver that paper?”

“Just now. There are a bunch of guys in the middle of the street. I stopped to call you and now they’re all milling around. Do you think I ought to find out what’s up? Might be a story.”

“Why Jason, I didn’t know you wanted to be a freelancer, ha, ha, ha.”

“Yes sir, just like Peter Parker.”

“Peter Parker, eh? Well, lets see, um… “You bring me some more pictures of that newspaper-selling clown, maybe I'll take 'em off your hands. But I never said you have a job!”

“Wow, that’s great, sir. I didn’t know you knew who Spiderman was.”

“...”

“Well, I’ll just take the pictures then; back as soon as I can.”

“Okay, Jason. You be safe out there.”

“Yes Sir.”

“What’s he takin’ pictures of Tomla?”

“Don’t know, honey, looks like... the guys?”

“Did they ever even walk around my darn house?”

“Ha, ha, ha, no honey, they ain’t walkin’ nowhere, you know men.”

“Well, I know mine…”

“You let that man sleep. He a hard workin’ man. You come on over my house and help me entertain Mr. Armondo, now.”

“Armondo! Oh my god! You got Armondo into your house? Marty is gonna’ flip! Ha, ha, ha, can you imagine, the both of us… Ha, ha, ha, we’d kill the poor little guy. Besides, he’s running out your backdoor right now!

“Is he! My little Armenian man got away?”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Ah mon, they think they know what they want…”

“I see him again! He’s over behind Herman’s! He’s peekin’ over the hedge! He looks like a rabbit!”

“An’ there goes that kid, too. Mon, he’s bikin’ to beat the devil.”

“Watch out Marty, here he comes again.”

“I ought to-”

“Ahh, leave the little bastard be, why, when I was his age I used to-”

“I can not have my picture on social media. You saw he was taking pictures of us.”

“Relax Mike, nobody wants to see you. Nobody…”

“It’s not that people want to see anybody, but when something is shoved down their throats they can’t ignore it.”

“Ha! People ignore a lot of weird stuff these days my boy, right Marty?”

“Damn straight Herman.”

“You ever get that machine of yours acting right?”

“Nah, and if Tomla want’s ta’ throw a leg over it this weekend I’d better get back to it... say, anybody seen Armondo?”

“He’s back, I see him again!”

“Who’s that Betty?”

“You're crazy Lindsey; the man, the one I keep telling you about! I can see him. He’s creeping through Herman’s azaleas.”

“Oh, is that who you saw? That’s just… that’s just, somebody. I’ll have Frank take a look.”

“See that you do, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow murdered in my bed!”

“I think Armondo went to make sure Lindsey is okay, Marty.”

“Well, that’s fine then. Take it easy fella’s. I got to go make sure Tomla don’t waste the whole day readin’ the Bible, or somethin’.”

“Frank?”

“Frank?”

“FRANK?”

“Hmm, what sweetie?”

“Nothin’ dear. You want a paper? Herman says that they delivered two.”

“That’s weird.”

“That’s what the man says. He got home and there were two, laying right on top of each other in front of that rickety, aluminium storm door of his.”

“Sure, I’ll look at it later. Just throw it on the table. What the heck?”

“Sorry honey, it’s full of ads, must weigh a ton.”

“Hmm”

“Frank?”

“FRANK?”

“What sweetie?”

“Nothin’. Move over so I can snuggle in.”