How wonderful would it be to hop around to a different point in time from our past? I always wanted to visit the 6th C. BCE, have a chance to meet the Buddha in person or....Rumi, later on.
Visiting the French Revolution to watch Danton going at it with Robespierre.
Or to watch my parents meet for the first time and see my father enchanting Mom with his ever present, irresistible charm. He must have been a fascinating young man if the letters I found in the attic revealed the true sentiment of these women whom he enthralled.
Mom as a young girl growing up with my grandma and what she was allowed and not allowed to do, according to the strict ethics of a barely post-Victorian era.
Going back to witness the Crusaders traveling to the Holy Land and see in person how they behaved, what they did and didn't do and who they did it to.
Find out what the truth is by the simple fact of being there.
Going back to Roman times and the Crucifixion would just blow my mind. Having a conversation with Seneca about it; next discussing the reasons behind his decisions with the man responsible at the time, governor Pontius Pilate.
There are so many instances in the History of The World that I'm curious about. The only real connection to the past, the historical events, is what we've been told.
Books, teachers, college professors and editorial opinions of people with agendas to serve.
Finding out for ourselves by traveling through time at will without the ability to interfere--of course--would be nothing short of available Quantum Physics for everyone. And what an experience that would be!
Is it coming soon? Would science and religion allow general access to such treat? Don't bet on it.
My question is: what would it do to people in the long run? How would it change, if anything, the way we are?
As it turns out, there's payback to be given. When you time travel, you end up losing Earth years yourself. Anything between 3 to 5 years, depending on your genetic makeup.
There's no getting around that caveat. And it's not a small one. Losing five years is a terrible proposition.
Such high price, who'd be willing to afford it?
Even three years is a lot, especially if you "need" to go back and forth. Five times and you've lost 15 years.
Fascinating as this is, I'm willing to wait until they advance the science enough so we don't lose any Earth time. None.
In this case, maybe the saying, "It is what it is" is a much more acceptable alternative.
Food for thought, my dear friends. Let your imagination run wild.
I see my mom with her-soft-as-silk hands holding my dad's face forcing an unexpected kiss before taking off for the office.
"See you later, handsome" --she'd tell him. Every morning.
Then, when everything was quiet, she'd open another window to check her magnolias growing in the garden. If she saw something growing where it shouldn't be, she'd call her partner.
A housekeeper made gardener (a woman with hundreds of years of knowledge, yet unschooled) and they both rush out with all the weapons needed to fight the bush invasions.
It was a sight to behold. Mom and her partner in crime, Maria Concepcion, the maid, fighting the elements.
When the sun hit her face, she would accommodate her favorite straw gardener hat to prevent sunburn and if you looked carefully, you'd notice her beautiful green eyes had a streak of gold in them. And in the shade, that feature became even more pronounced. It would have made a perfect portrait.
Weather was hot, so they both wiped the sweat from their foreheads with their arms. A sigh or two was heard before the work was done.
Maria and mom had struck a deep friendship, especially when Maria almost died of a bout of pneumonia and had to stay in the hospital for weeks.
They were both kind, compassionate people that were lucky enough to meet each-other by chance. Or fate.
Dad loved the fact that she enjoyed watching soccer. They were too funny arguing whether a foul was committed but not referi-called. Same thing with the penalties. Mom was literally a soccer fanatic. Just like Dad. Maybe that's the reason why they married?
And she was an avid reader and a quick learner. Never bored, she always managed to find fascination in the most ridiculous things. Dad wasted no time picking on her and made some pranks he thought for sure would work, only to incite her curiosity further.
One time, he did succeed. He persuaded one of his friends to pretend he was a representative for a publishing company who made encyclopedias. All she had to do was answer ten questions correctly to win the latest edition of Encyclopedia Britannica. On the phone.
She did her part, but was tricked with one fake question about the capital of a fictitious country that of course, she never heard of. For that reason, the "agent" said she didn't win it. Sorry.
Perplexed, she asked a librarian neighbor if he ever heard of such a country and of course, he hadn't because that country doesn't exist.
So, she brought her complaint to Dad, who was hiding behind his newspaper, pretending to read but was betrayed by a muffled chuckle which she heard.
Oh boy. "Did you have anything to do with that?" she said, after my dad could no longer contain his laughter.
"Oh, you! You…you're in trouble now", as she started chasing him all over the house with a frying casserole.
They were having a good time. Those were good, healthy, wholesome days.
I remember the good times like they happened yesterday.
I also remember she made him buy her a full collection of the Encyclopedia Britannica, express delivery, and with a "I'm sorry" note.
That's what you get for playing pranks on the wrong person.
Days of heaven, you could say.
While they lasted.
Very dark days were ahead that no one could have ever envisioned or anticipated.
Days of founded and unfounded terror. Days of absolute madness. Days where everything went wrong and nights when we were afraid to go to sleep.
The Argentina's military juntas had seized control of the government and everybody was a suspect.
The good times were over and replaced with insecurity and paranoia.
Suddenly…everyone was a communist.
Now, back into the here and now, I still reflect on those moments with love and tenderness.
I can't think of a better way to spend ten minutes before crashing down to reality.
And the dishes still have to be done.
***
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Your story was included in my critique circle email this week, hence the following critique. My standard disclaimer is that I'm just another person and offering my opinions as a reader and you may or may not agree with anything I say. It's all subjective, so disregard anything you don't like.
I don't offer suggestions to hurt anyone's feelings or anything, but I apologize in advance if you take any exception. I only offer the kind of feedback I wish to receive when someone reads something I have read. I want honest and constructive criticism, so that is what I offer.
After reading this story, my first impression was that it was under baked. You have a lot of fragments and one sentence lines and after reading it, I don't feel like you told me a story. There was a lack of immersion that made this feel like an essay with an anecdote about the writer's parents. The prompt was to imagine a world where time travel is possible at a cost and the narrator dismisses it entirely and reminisces. He visits the past in his mind, but even then the short paragraphs of memories do not draw the reader in. There is little transition and no tension between the presentation of the 'good times' and 'bad times'. There are no scenes of the terror, instead the narrator tells us there was terror. This is a shortcut. A scene where soldiers burst through the door and destroy the domestic tranquility would have been much more powerful and immersive.
After reading this, I think it would be helpful for the reader if you put us in the scenes, rather than a line like this:
"Perplexed, she asked a librarian neighbor if he ever heard of such a country and of course, he hadn't because that country doesn't exist. "
Putting us in the scene (again, this is my opinion) would be stronger:
My mom called her friend from the university, Dr. Gupta, but we only heard her side of the conversation.
"Dr. Gupta, I just got the strangest phone call and I missed out winning a set of encyclopedias because I didn't know what the capital of Elbownia was. Have you ever heard of a country called Elbownia? No? She said it was near the cost of Africa, between South Africa and the Republic of Grimsnort." Her forehead creased as she continued to listen. Dad's face was red and he looked like he would explode from holding in his silent laughter any longer.
Same thing with this line: "Days of founded and unfounded terror. Days of absolute madness. Days where everything went wrong and nights when we were afraid to go to sleep. "
Give us the scene! What causes the terror? What happens when someone has reason to be afraid; what did they do? Did they speak up? Did they look at someone wrong? Something like this would really get the reader drawn in:
We never knew what was going to happen when the soldiers drove up in their trucks. Sometimes they would come roaring up the main street and stop in the square. The dust would settle from their arrival and the town would be silent. Even the birds held their breath. We all waited to see if the back door would open and shouting soldiers would begin kicking doors open or not. The memory of when they had come for our neighbor Hector was still fresh in our minds. He was shouting protestations as a pair of soldiers dragged him into the square.
"I have done nothing wrong! This is wrong! You can't treat people-"
The single gunshot silenced all of us, not just Hector. The terror settled into our hearts, ready to chill our blood when we heard the trucks coming. Sometimes they didn't stop, though, and that was almost worse somehow.
This story needs stakes. The narrator isn't risking anything. If you gave us a struggle at the end, revealing that all of what is presented to the reader like it was fifteen years ago actually happened last week, that would really hit. The narrator is actually a nine year old in a 24 year old's body or something, and he's trying to come up with the plan to save his parents for real on this next trip or something... Anyway, I don't want to rewrite your story for you, but as a reader, I wanted some tension, risk, and immersion. I hope you found this critique helpful.
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I couldn't thank you enough for your on-point critique. Not only that, but I couldn't agree more.
It feels like a thousand years since i wrote that piece. I've learned much since then as the story we're discussing happened at the very beginning of my endeavor as a writer. If you'd like to check what i 'think' it's progress, I'd appreciate if you could could take a look at what I've done since then. Either way, again, thank you so much for taking the time to write your insight. It hit home well.
More: https://renegvolpi.substack.com
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Oh, wow! I'm glad you found it helpful. I'm always worried I'll make someone mad.
I'll definitely check out the other story this weekend. Thanks for sharing!
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Please do. I believe you'll see what I'm referring to as far as better writing is concerned. It's the beauty of creation; we learn as we grow. Cheers!
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