The Sensible Villager's Guide To Avoiding the Fae

Ever had your baby stolen by pixies, and returned as a bundle of sticks and stones? Seen strange men in the mountains, then woken up one hundred years later after what seemed like a short nap? Here at WiseOldCroneCorp™ we know all about those pesky little faeries, and it’s our mission to enlighten the poor saps who may fall victim to their trickery; so sit tight, pay attention, and make sure to stick close to the rules we lay out in this pamphlet, lest you enjoy being tormented by these preternatural villains.

Rule #1- Never step inside a fairy ring. These circular formations of mushrooms or other fungal plants may seem innocent, cute even, to the uneducated eye- but don’t be mistaken, they are anything but. Faeries use these as portals between worlds; step into one, and you may never come back. When walking in the forest, tread carefully, making sure to constantly survey the ground to watch where you’re stepping… 

Sylvia folded up the pamphlet, and put it in her cardigan pocket. She looked at the ring of mushrooms before her. Gee, they sure were cute. Sylvia, against all better judgement, stepped in. The world turned to static, and spun around her. 

Rule #2- Never give a faery your name. This gives them power over you as an individual, and to a greater extent, over your soul. This is the kind of information necessary for curses, hexes, and other ill-intentioned spells, so if you find yourself in the position of introducing yourself to one of these creatures, make sure to avoid disclosing your official title without being rude… 

This person was really pretty. Well, no, this place was really pretty. Actually, Sylvia wasn’t sure; her head was still kind of fuzzy from whatever happened between here and the fairy ring. One minute, you’re in the middle of making a bad decision, and the next, you’re in some mystical grove being glared at by a very very pretty lady. 

“How did you get here?”

“Oh, you know, I just followed the bright lights and cheery music, then took a left at the abstract concept of child-like wonder and joy.”

“Right… well, we don’t want you here,” the woman said, placing her hands on her hips, clearly agitated by Sylvia’s presence. 

“Really? Because one of your little mushroom circles brought me here. It’s pretty cute, by the way.”

“It’s not cute- it’s a sophisticated method for interdimensional travel, and you should treat it with respect.”

“It’s a very cute method of interdimensional travel. By the way- I never did introduce myself. I’m Sylvia Fairweather. The third. My family really likes the name.”

“I won’t give you mine in return.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Sylvia said with a grin. 

Rule #3- Never eat faery food. Faeries and humans have very different dietary restrictions- namely, humans can’t eat cursed food. You must be wary of any type of food or drink offered to you by fae folk, because anything consumed in the fairy realm will force you to stay there, and turn you off human food. Forever. As a rule of thumb, remember that anything made by faeries is meant for faeries. And you aren’t one of those… 

“So is this, like, a date?” Sylvia asked. Maybe it wasn’t so wise to shoot her shot now, but then again, Sylvia never claimed to be a mastermind of social graces.

“Wh- what? Why would this be a date?” the woman said. “This,” She said, gesturing to the long table, fully decked out with food “is just a welcoming gesture. Not a date. I wouldn’t ever-”

“Oh calm down, I was just joking.”

After a long trek through the woods, Sylvia sure was starving. Of course, she had to walk the whole way; the woman just floated the whole way, her satin tunic floating loosely around her feet. She doubted that the woman was even hungry. This was probably just a formality, too. Another step in the “a dumb human accidentally walked into our ring again and we need to exact some sort of otherworldly punishment” routine. Whatever. Sylvia liked good food, and she liked spending time with this lady. It really was a lovely walk over. 

She took her seat besides the woman. Then, she was met with the immediate realization that they were the only humanoid looking people there. Sitting all around her were little green men (?) and women (?) with large and pointed floppy ears, yellow eyes, and pointy teeth. Very gremlin-esque, like the type her grand-mama, also named Sylvia, used to warn her about.  

“So, like, what’s the deal with the guy three seats down? I mean, go to the dentist sometime- those chompers need some braces, right?” Sylvia joked, nervously. That’s right, just go with the joke. People like humor… usually. 

“That’s my brother” The woman replied, flatly.

“Oh- oh my god. I’m so sorry, his teeth are fine. I mean, who really cares how sharp, or yellow, or crooked, and… you know what? My teeth aren’t even that great, either. Like, when was the last time I brushed my teeth? This morning, but you get it, right? I have good dental hygiene, I swear-”

“He doesn’t speak common, Sylvia. He doesn’t know what you’re saying- and to be honest, he probably wouldn’t care anyways. It’s true!” she said with a chuckle, “You really were worried there, weren’t you?”

There was light in her eyes that Sylvia hadn’t seen before. She really liked the idea of that warmth. 

“Yeah, well, I’ve heard that I shouldn’t be rude to you guys as a rule of thumb.”

“Oh pshh, you shouldn’t be rude to anyone, Sylvia. Now that’s MY rule of thumb.” She smiled, and seemed awfully proud of herself for coming up with this nugget of wisdom.

“You’re kidding? You JUST told me that you didn’t want me here. Remember that? When we met, about two hours ago, or do you have some memory loss issues that I should know about?”

“I bet you’d feel the same if I just popped in your home, uninvited and unwelcome.” 

“It stung. Hurt me to the core,” Sylvia said, holding her hands to her heart and sighing. You know, for the dramatics. 

“Well, I’ll make sure to avoid any offences in the future,” The woman replied, with a sweet smile. It was just about all Sylvia’s already melting heart could take. 

Step #2, Revisited- If you ever find yourself in the sticky situation of having given away your name to a faery, you can reverse your mistakes by learning their own name, and using that to your advantage. Knowing their name fixes the imbalance, because anything that they could do to harm you may be returned by a human spellcaster… 

It had been a magical night, literally and figuratively. Sylvia and the woman had a surprising amount in common; how strange, it seemed, that two very different beings could intertwine themselves so quickly. It seemed mystical (and probably was). Nevertheless, the two got along famously- for once, Sylvia’s crackpot humor paid off. It seemed that the woman actually thought she was funny- that was a first.

But, as all good things go, it all had to come to an end. Every night of dancing and reverie has to submit itself to the rays of the rising sun, including this one, as sad as that may be. 

The band, who was just a loose congregation of goblins with kazoos and string instruments, was cleaning up. The feast crowd had already dissipated, leaving behind the woman, Sylvia, and the aforementioned orchestra. 

“So… what do we do now? You got any more activities planned for me?” Sylvia asked, flashing another one of her famous grins, which the woman was beginning to become very fond of. There was a tinge of sadness with this realization; she knew now what had to be done. 

“Sylvia, do you want to know my name?” 

“I mean, I’ve been waiting all night to hear it. I’d ask for a phone number, too, but I don’t think you guys have those here.”

“I am Aelwise… Queen of the Hobgoblins.”

“Oh, wow, I didn’t know I was in the company of a QUEEN. Should I bow? Do you want me to bow?”

“I’m the queen of hobgoblins, Sylvia. Trust me, the title doesn’t carry much weight behind it. No one really considers us to be a very valuable people.”

“Well, it kinda sounds like everyone else is wrong. I’ve been here for a day and I can already tell that you’re all a bunch of really neat, cool dudes. I mean, what’s more rad than a bunch of slimy little green guys with ears too big for their own heads. Their eyes? Terrifying. Their nasty little raccoon hands? Horrible. I bet they’re an absolute menace to children. That’s got to mean something, right?” 

“I guess… “ Aelwise replied, trailing off. Sylvia knew exactly what to say to make her feel better- and that made this all the more difficult. 

“Plus, they’re charming… obnoxious, yet charming. Like me!”

“Sylvia, I need you to say my name back to me,” Aelwise said, pulling herself out from her thoughts. 

“What? I promise I haven’t forgotten it yet.”

“No, I need you to say it so you can go home. I can’t just keep you here against your own will.”

“Why not!? Don’t you realize that I am here of my own will? I’ve been doing everything in my power to force myself here. Why do you think I gave you my name and ate your food? Hell, I even stepped into your portal on purpose. You think I wouldn’t know by now how faeries work? I’m not trying to be rude, but you’ve kind of been antagonizing my people for centuries.”

“Sylvia, why would you do that? You’re very lucky that I’m the one who found you, and not one of my more vicious kin. It was stupid, it was-”

“Desperate? Yeah, it was.”

“I was going to say foolish.”

“That too.”

“I just want to know… why would you do that? Were you even thinking? What if you got hurt?”

“Aelwise, I don’t have much else; I’m not a very valuable person myself. Besides that, I live by making myself someone else’s problem. I want to stay here.”

“Well,” Aelwise said with a grin of her own, “I suppose you can stay here, so long as you consent. Tell me my full name, and leave if you ever so wish. However, this comes with one condition.”

“Yes?”

“You get to be my personal problem.”

Rule #4- Never accept a gift from a fairy. An exchanging of items is never a no-strings-attached ordeal: anything a faery gives you will be expected to be returned tenfold. Think of it like student loans, except less soul crushing… 

Sylvia had been in the fairy realm for quite some time. Sometimes she wondered how long she had actually been away from the human realm, but then she remembered that she didn’t really care. She had a lovely life here, and an even lovelier woman by her side. She had most of the rules of this place down by now, but sometimes little things catch her off guard… sometimes Aelwise comes home with something unexpected. 

Aelwise approached nervously.

“Sylvia, I have something for you… “

“Is it something cool?”

“I guess you could say it’s cool.” Aelwise replied. She pulled out a little wooden box from her tunic, and removed the top. Sat in the middle of the velvet interior lay a simple ring, copper in color. 

Sylvia smiled, and slid it onto her finger. It was a cool gift, but a gift from a faery nonetheless. She’d heard about this trick before. 

“Do I owe you anything for this, Aelwise? You know I like knowing the terms and conditions before making a deal.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps your hand in marriage.”

“Anything else?”

“Maybe a first-born child, if you’re interested.”

“Perfect” Sylvia replied. And everything was, for once. She looked at the little copper ring on her hand. Sometimes those stupid little pamphlets that they hand out at service actually are good for something.