Her...

Why?!

…….

Why am I here? Where am I?

…….

The floor feels… hard. Was it there a minute ago? I’m not sure!

Where am I?

…….

I can’t remember anything.

I can see something crawling in a corner to the left. It looks like ants. Hundreds and hundreds of ants crawling across the floor. Where are they going? Why?

Why am I here?

…….

The ants, they’re glowing. Hundreds of ants are glowing green and blue. They’re glowing and they’re crawling across the floor towards the opposite wall. They’re just walking, one after the other. Just walking!

Where am I?

…….

Why am I here? How did i get here? Did I walk here?

The room feels stuffy. I feel like I can’t breathe. My chest feels tight. There’s a itchy feeling under my skin. Starting from the tips of my fingers. Making its way up my arms. Through my shoulders. From my eyes. Through my legs. To my heart. I can feel my heart throbbing. Beating! Why is my heart beating so fast?

As if ants… ants are crawling towards the walls of my heart. Why do they do it? Why am I here? Where am I?

……

I feel sleepy! Why do I feel sleepy? It’s so dark in here. I like it dark now. I feel safe in the dark. It feels as if it was tailored for me. As if it’s pulling me towards it. Swallowing me. It wants to make me a part of it. Why does it want to do that? Why am I allowing it? Why do I welcome it?

I remember something else besides the darkness. Something besides this feeling of weightlessness, of shallowness. Was there something else there or is it just in my head?

No! It’s not in my head. There was a place filled with warmth, filled with love. Her love!

Her? I remember her. I remember the place she used to fill within me. The way she made me feel. Safe. I felt safe!

Did I just feel… safe? No! I also felt loved. I felt as if each day with her was complete. I felt as if only in her presence life had meaning. I felt safe, safe and loved.

Why don’t I feel like that anymore? What’s changed? I can still feel her presence within me, there’s a place where she is, a place that’s all about her. About us!

If I go towards that place, if I reach towards it I can still feel her. Why don’t I feel safe anymore?

Do I still feel loved?

…….

The light from the screen is burning my eyes. They feel dry. It hurts to rub them, but if I don’t, it hurts even more. I can’t stand this light. It feels as if it’s mocking me. Reminding me of something from my past, something to which I once belonged.

No more!

If I lay down on the floor, here, besides the desk, I can no longer see the screen. The glow will fade away soon, and darkness will come. I can rest my eyes here while I wait.

I’ve never noticed this before, but the lights from my PC are blue and green. That’s funny! I expected them to be red and yellow. Why is that?

Red and yellow!

Red and yellow!

What does it mean? What does it mean for me?

I can’t remember anything of importance being red and yellow.

What’s red and yellow?

Mustard and Ketchup? I love mustard and ketchup. She always laughed at me when I ate French fries with mustard and ketchup. She always said it’s weird. Ketchup she could understand, but mustard? Who eats French fries with mustard?

I love French fries with mustard. I love mustard… and ketchup.

……

My head hurts a bit less now…

I think!

Actually my head feels weird, I’m not really sure it if hurts or not. I don’t feel pain but I kinda sense its presence, somewhere in the foreground. It’s as if the pain hasn’t disappeared but the capability of feeling the pain has. It feels so damn weird!

Why does it feel so weird? Anyhow, at least the pain is gone.

Is it?

Now that I think about it more, the headache’s gone but the pain’s still here. Was it the headache that I was trying to snuff out or something else?

I wonder.

I know that the brain can imagine pain, but am I imagining things?

Pain should be physical, right? Even when you somatize, the pain becomes physical. What am I feeling then? Is it pain or is it something else?

Could it be loss? I know that grief hurts. Missing someone hurts. Hurting someone hurts, but loss? Can loss hurt?

Did I lose her? Was she ever mine so I could lose her?

I thought she was. I really thought she was.

……

I can’t believe it hurts so bad. I don’t understand.

I was all right a minute ago. Where did this pain come all of a sudden? Maybe if I press the palms of my hands to my eyes it will go away. If I do this, it feels as if I’m distancing myself from my body. It’s certainly more bearable this way. I can’t do this forever, I’ll end up going blind.

What should I do?

What can I do? There’s nothing I can do! Is there?

No! She always said that this was the beauty of things. Endings!

I can’t take it anymore. I need to do something about this pain. It’s driving me nuts.

I think I have some pills in the bathroom.

Where are they?

Are they expired?

No. Great!

How many should I take?

Should I take one?! Two?! I don’t know! I can’t think straight anymore.

How many are there?!

Screw it! I’ll take them all just to be sure.

……

I…

I can’t get the image out of my head.

I…

I feel like it’s going to haunt me forever. I can still smell her. My hands smell of her. This room smells of her. This pillow smells of her hair. Her beautiful auburn hair. I love her hair.

Love?

Loved.

Do I still love her hair?

It seemed as if it was dancing. Dancing in the wind. And her smile. I loved her smile.

Loved?

Love!

I don’t know.

She didn’t smile. No, she didn’t smile. Or maybe… Maybe I missed her smile, my last chance to see her smile and I missed it. But I couldn’t, I… couldn’t focus, everything was so loud. I’ve never understood why people need to blow their horn the second they see the yellow light start flashing.

I…

I love her voice.

I…

I loved her voice. Until she uttered those words.

Why did she utter those words?

Why?

……

“John… I don’t love you anymore!”