In and Out

Why in the name of Saint Peter was it so cold in here?

Distressed, Alexander blinked his eyes open again. What was going on? How long had his eyes been closed?

Stiffly, he turned his stomach over, attempting to get up. A piercing pain in his side denied him; he was sent back on his spine, which was now throbbing from the impact. 

His pulse heightening by fear, he felt his body - his torso, to be specific. His fingers met no substance, or any that he could feel, rather - bringing them back up to his eyes, he say that they were their same white. Even paler than usual, and much less fleshy than they had been. 

In fact, he looked down - and his body was almost stripped of his excess weight. And what business had the monologue in his head, sounding so dignified? Alexander - Alex - was hardly a monsieur.

Was the tongue French? Could Alexander now speak French? 

He swayed his head back and forth quickly, feeling the cold everywhere. He was merely wearing an uncollared shirt, and well-fitted pants. His feet were clothed by white leather, with black checks on the side.

Bemused, he gazed up at the ceiling. His lips slightly parted at the sight. 

A vast opening, a circle. An open circle surrounded by grey brick and supporting the brick, stone pillars. They were remotely the same color, but just different enough for the blind eye to barely notice.  

It would have been excessively more beautiful if he hadn't been chilled to the bone.

"Hello?" He breached, attempting his vocal strength. His voice came out like a thief, in that it was crooked, and barely there. 

"Hello," a cool voice replied, and he thought he'd seen something flash in the corner of his eye. 

"I don' - I don' know where I'm at," he explained feebly, his voice again weak and compromisable. The unknown figure again branched near the base of the pillars, but he thought he'd seen skirt tailing it.

"My name's Alex," he said at the ceiling, wondering who was hearing him. 

Okay, it was getting better. For a second, the fact that he was using the vocabulary list from his fifth grade class was alarming him. Which, he reflected, was kind of like worry about what font someone used in a death note.

Still flat on his back, his heart pummeled as he heard footsteps approaching. Too scared to scream, which was a relief, because he sounded like a young girl when he screamed, he froze. The footsteps stopped before Alex could see who they belonged to. Frustrated, he tried to look up, but was only given the sharp pains he'd experience before. He remembered vividly at the moment why he hadn't moved; he couldn't. 

Finally the footsteps neared again. "Alexander," the voice said, interested and bright now. Alex winced as their - her - feet tottered towards his face. 

The girl was very pale, from what he could see, and reminded him of a baby deer - a fawn. She was willowy, with very small shoulders, and freckles dominated her arms. 

"Hi," he managed. 

"Oh, hi!" she said. She sat down, and Alex couldn't imagine how her bare feet felt against the concrete. "You have funny clothing."

Alex tried to look down, but his neck couldn’t crane that far. 

“You’re wearing a shirt, only it has short sleeves, and it’s really, really loose on you,” she added, talking to herself more than him, “And trousers, right?”

“Pants,” Alex said, grateful that they were long. His hands were now shaking.

“Oh, you’re probably cold,” she said, “Here.” she produced a large blanket. “It’s my favorite,” she said, tucking the ends underneath him. 

“Who are you?” Alex asked. 

“My name’s Kierra,” she answered, “I know who you are. You’re the guy in the painting.”

“I’m sorry, what?” he asked. She cocked her head, like a confused puppy. 

“The painting?” she said, “You know, the one where you’re on the table, and - hold on, I’ll go get it. It’s not huge.”

He stayed, his body heat increasing under the blanket. Still, the room was still and quiet, much quieter than he was used to. 

In the city, it was never quiet, or really cold. He didn’t even own a winter coat. Sitting here, his body useless (which wasn’t unusual, come to think of it), he felt like there was something looming over him, something daunting.

He was relieved when the silence broke, and the pit in his stomach shrank a little bit when he heard Kierra’s voice. 

“Maybe I shouldn’t - “

Her feet padded on as he heard her arguing with herself. As she got closer, she probably decided to just do it.

“Here it is!” she said, jubilantly portraying it. She stood directly above him, which was distracting on its own, but the painting was far more worrisome. 

It was him, true - not exactly on a table. There was a table in the painting, it was true, but Alex was leaned against it - a knife in his back. Not only that, but he appeared as he was now - stipped of his extra weight, his hair - his hair. 

His hair had all been cut off. He realized this with horror as the cold crept through his skull. Something had felt different, it was true, but he hadn’t realized what until now.

In the picture, his hair was slightly slicked back, but it fell almost to his chin. He looked different, true, but it was definitely him. Him if he’d lost 15 pounds and grown his hair out. He raised his eyebrows - his eyebrows were still there - ; it wasn’t a bad look for him.

“You look like him, at least,” Kierra said, looking at the painting with now-scrutinizing eyes. “They must’ve shaved your head.”

“What?” 

“I don’t know who they are,” she shrugged, “But I can’t imagine you’re the one who stabbed yourself. You’re bleeding, by the way.”

“But I checked -”

“Obviously not well enough,” she said, “Kidding. Your arm couldn’t reach it. I can’t pick you up, but I can get someone. If I can find anyone.”

“Wait, no,” he said. His voice was more wobbly than he’d intended. “Please don’t leave,” he said, “I have no idea where I am, at all. What if someone comes along?”

“Then we’re all screwed, I guess,” Kierra said, laughing, “This is the safest place, Alex, for anyone. Not even the demons can get you here.”

“Demons?” Alex asked.  Kierra left quickly, skipping out of the room. 

Alex remained stunned, fiddling his fingers. He wondered how Kierra was so calm around him. Surely she must think he’s an intruder.

He heard her before he felt her, or saw her. Apparently, the person she was with agreed with Alex. 

“How do you know he’s not dangerous - “

“I saw him fall!” he heard her insist, “He slammed to the ground, I heard it! He’s been bleeding since he got here, he needs help!”

“I won’t let you go out there!” 

“And I won’t let that stupid demon affect me!” Alex winced, having no idea what they were talking about.

“Look at him,” Kierra said, “Look, he’s literally stuck on the ground. The knife hit his appendix, he needs surgery.” 

Alex felt her kneecaps hit his head lightly as she sank down besides him. 

“Do you feel light-headed?” she asked him sincerely. He laughed. 

“Why on earth would you think that?” he said, “Kierra, I have no idea where I am, or who you are - “

“I’m Kierra,” she said, “I’m the princess of this castle.”

“No you aren’t,” the man she’d been arguing with said, sounding joyous  and teasing now, compared to his anxious state before. He ruffled Kierra’s hair. “Mr. Alvin, Alexander, sir.”

“Let’s take you in,” he decided, “Just a puny kid, I guess.” Kierra clapped her hands.

“Wonderful!” she said happily. She stood, putting her arms underneath Alexander’s. He felt like screaming, but he restrained himself. Until Mr. Alvin picked up his knees, causing his back stress. Alex whimpered slightly, before the pain became too much to bear and he blacked out.

He awoke to Mr. Alvin sitting on the side of his bed. He could barely see, the room was so dark, but the older man’s face was apparent; his wrinkled eyes, small forehead, and curled nose. He looked as though he had been very handsome in his youth.

“What’s going on?” Alex tried to ask, but his voice was so wispy he barely heard himself. Mr. Alvin seemed to, though, and leaned forward. He stayed silent for a few minutes. 

Alexander felt angry, all of a sudden. Here he was, who knows where, and nobody will answer his questions. “Who are you people?” he asked again, this time his voice ringing clear. 

Still, silence. “I swear to you, I will decimate this place somehow if someone doesn’t answer my questions!” he bellowed, knowing no one would take him seriously. 

Well, duh. You’re pretty stupid. What was that?

"Our souls were created when this castle was," Mr.  Alvin admitted finally, "We die when it does, I suppose. We've - I've -  been here for decades, just here. We don't eat, or drink, and sleep is a superficiality. Kierra stopped aging years ago, but she still hasn't yet noticed. I think it's her desperation to leave; she can't face the reality that she can't leave. It's too much for her to bear."

“How is she so happy then?” Alex asked. Mr. Alvin smiled bitterly. 

“She spends too much time in the room you were stuck in,” he said, “You see, castles also birth demons. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, illnesses in general. But, they can’t go into the sunlight. That’s why castles have courtyards, where you were stuck.”

Stuck, because you can’t help yourself, the voice taunted. “Is that what the stupid voice in my head is, then?” Alex asked, feeling lousy. Mr. Alvin nodded. Alex shook his head.

“Why don’t you guys always stay there, then?”

“Because the more time we spend out there,” Mr. Alvin said, “The harder it is in here. The cold never bothers us, but it’s too risky to live in the sunshine. Too much of it could allow the demons to kill us, should we encounter them even once.”

“How - how did I get stuck there?” Alex asked. 

“Well,” Mr. Alvin said, considering the question seriously, “I imagine that it has something to do with the painting. That was a real event, you know. It happened here, in this castle.”

“Did you see it?” 

“Yes,” Mr. Alvin said, “I did. It birthed new horrors. It was his brother that had killed him, you see. Betrayal births the worst of demons. However - it was also when Kierra was born.”

“So is she a demon?” Alex whispered. Mr. Alvin laughed. 

“Only when she’s on cleaning duty,” he said, “No, Alexander, Kierra is not a demon. She’s just a soul, that’s excellent at finding other souls.”

“So… she’s the reason I’m here?”

“Perhaps,” Mr. Alvin said, “Perhaps it’s because your soul was reborn. Who knows, maybe this is your lineage, the man in the painting, and your destiny has you end up here. I’m not a huge speculator, Alexander. I’m just trying to live.”

“How long have you been… living?” 

“A few hundred years,” the older gentleman replied, looking thoughtful. “Kierra’s easily the youngest of us; this castle was abandoned shortly after the brother-kill-brother scandal.”

“So what did you do when there were people living here?”

“I advised them,” Mr. Alvin said, “I mean, of course not all the time. I can’t imagine they would take the advice of someone who never ages - they viewed that as demonic, see. I was quite well at disappearing, especially considering I cannot leave this castle.”

“Wow,” Alex said. He remained silent for a few seconds. The castle was dark, and the air seemed to lack oxygen. He felt the back wall through the blanket - Kierra’s blanket. 

“So how do I leave?” he asked. Mr. Alvin stayed silent. “Do I leave?”

“Alexander, it’s not that easy,” he said, “I’ve never been outside the castle, but I’ve seen the outside. It’s almost pitch-black most of the time, and we’re surrounded on almost every side by water. Choppy, dark water. I saw many a ship sink in those waters.”

“So what do I do?” Alex was desperate. 

“Say no more,” Kierra said, still in her white gown, even though Alex could see little splatters of blood on the apron. She was holding a gray book that was opened to the middle. 

“I found something,” she said, sitting on his bed, “Nice choice, by the way. This is the bed where all the mothers went into labor. Kidding,” she stared at Alex’s horrified expression. He realized she probably wanted to laugh, but something in the air was holding her back.

Maybe it’s just because you’re awkward and don’t know anything. Also you should probably cut out bacon. Stupid demons.

“This spell,” she continued, “Will allow you to become completely corporeal.”

“Wha -”

“It means it’s just your mind that’s working,” Mr. Alvin said, sounding dubious, “Kierra?”

“Well, if he becomes corporeal,” Kierra said, looking pleased to be the center of attention, “Then he can do all sorts of things. He can move through the air, he could see into the future, he could get out of here!”

“See into the future?” Alex asked, “And how could I even turn ghost?”

“‘Turn ghost?’ How eloquent,” Kierra cracked, before answering, “Well, that’s the opposite of what I did. When I was born, Alex - ‘born’,” she said in air quotes, “I was only a spirit myself.”

“So what happened?”

“The king’s daughter died,” she said, “I inhibited her body, which was pretty much unscathed. I had to hide for years, though, because we were so afraid the king would catch me.”

“So how do you fit into this?” Mr. Alvin asked. Kierra smiled. 

“We have to reverse the process that was done to me,” she said, “Alex has to go corporeal. Then he can, he can look into the future and see what’s going to happen. He can decide if he wants to stay or not. If not, he’ll stay a spirit, but if he inhabits his body again, he stays.”

“And you?”

“I become human again,” Kierra said, her eyes glittering with hope, before they darkened. She looked away. “Can we please try? I don’t know how much longer I can bear this.”

Mr. Alvin looked to Alex, who nodded solemnly. “Yes.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Mr. Alvin asked, looking concerned as he scanned the pages. Kierra hadn’t arrived yet, even though they’d let the light in; demons couldn’t mess the process up.

“I don’t know,” Alex admitted, “What if, when I decide to accept this life, it messes the future up? Do I have a real shot of knowing?”

“I don’t know, son,” Mr. Alvin said, “I’ve never tried a conversion of memory. And backwards memory, at that. You’d only see glimpses of the future, too.”

“Glimpses? Like, what I’m going to do and stuff?”

“Not quite,” Mr. Alvin said, “More like, the most important parts of your life, should you stay here. It’s quite fascinating how this works,” he added, looking at the page with renewed interest.

“Okay, okay, come on,” Kierra said, entering the room looking irritable, before shaking her head and smiling. “You got this, Alex.” His heart warmed; he took her hand.

Mr. Alvin began saying the spell, and Alex’s eyes went cloudy. His knees locked. 

“Mr. Alvin, is that supposed to happen?” Kierra asked, sounding nervous. Mr. Alvin shrugged. 

“I don’t know, Kierra, we have to wait,” he said. They waited for minutes, Kierra’s foot tapping. She held onto his hand, which was growing colder. 

“Should I let go -” she asked at last, shutting up quickly at Mr. Alvin’s look.

Suddenly she gasped. "Sir -" she said, clinging to Alex's hand. Mr. Alvin grabbed her torso as she shook slightly. "Sir, it's gone," she gasped.

"What?"

"I'm finally in," she said, "I'm in the body, sir, I feel right, I'm finally - her. I'm her."

Mr. Alvin sighed, unsurprised; he must've imagined this was going to happen. She was home, as Alex had reversed the process.

Kierra's hold on Alex remained through it. He still wasn't moving.

At last, Alex’s eyes became their clear blue again. Kierra sighed in relief.

“Thank goodness!” she said, “We were afraid we’d killed the first human we’ve seen in years. And I have no idea where we are in the castle, so we couldn’t even revive you!”

“I - “ Alex was still gasping for air. He broke, finally closing his mouth, as he looked to the ground. Kierra let go of his hand, and he grabbed it again. "You're human," he said in awe. His face was still green.

“Are you going to be sick?” Mr. Alvin asked, concerned. Alex couldn’t even feel the cold anymore, even though the open window was presumably blowing in cold air. 

“No,” Alex said finally, quietly. He looked up at them. “I want to stay,” he said. Kierra’s mouth opened. 

“Wh -Why?” she asked. Alex looked at her, his pupils enlarging slightly. 

You know that’s a lie. Nothing you saw will come true. You look ugly bald.

He swallowed, looking at her. He ignored the voices in his head. 

“Because it’s gonna be worth it,” he said, nodding.