That Was Unreal

The last customer in the bank, a little old woman cashing her social security check, was just finishing up as Captian Omega Asteroid strolled up to the security desk. 

“Bah,” she complained under her breath as she shuffled out, “these new-fangled heroes- all pomp and no substance. Back in my day, it meant something to wear a cape.” And pomp was right. Captain Omega Asteroid, known informally as “the Captian”, cut quite the figure. He was seven feet tall, covered in rippling muscles, and equipped with a set of pearly whites that looked like they came from a dentist’s hall of fame. He was the kind of hero that inspired the people of Golden City, a bastion of hope standing in the midst of a sea of crookedness and vice. He strolled up in his golden unitard, complete with a flowing red cape, and put his finger on the bell at the desk.

“Ding, ding, ding!” The bell rang out. A sleepy-looking guard came to the desk. His energy was as receding as his hairline, and even though he had just started his shift, he looked as if he had already pulled a double. His nametag read, “Earl.” Earl had watched this bank at night for fifteen years. He had fifteen years of late-night snacks on his waist to prove it. Normally, the worn, middle-aged guard only got excited when he got his kid on the weekends. When he saw his city’s protector, however, his attitude shifted quickly, as did his posture (he really needed to stop slouching).

“Finally, the Captain will recognize somebody else protecting people in this city,” he thought to himself. “If I can get a picture with him, my son will recognize I’m somebody special too!”  The Captian’s booming voice, at times loud enough to shatter a large boulder, was for some reason subdued as he beckoned the now-alert guard over.

“Mr. Earl, is it?”

“Yes, um, of course, Mr. Captain, sir. What can I do for you?”

“Well, it’s a little tricky Earl. You see, I need to make a withdrawal.”

Earl’s mustache quivered in disbelief. The superhero who defeated the entire Russian lizard army banked at his branch! 

“Unfortunately, sir, the tellers have gone home for the evening, but I could call one of them back. They wouldn’t mind at all! Do you have your member card with you?”

“Um, that’s not the kind of withdrawal I was referring to.”

Earl’s hand, already on the phone to dial a teller, fluttered slightly. His eyebrow went up in disbelief. The Captain wasn’t asking him to...No, there must be some mistake.

“I’m sorry, sir, I must have misheard you. You weren’t talking about...a withdrawal, were you?”

The Captian’s face had been a wall of steel. He was deathly serious, unusual for a man who was used to smiling for all those pictures in the magazines. Just like that, however, his smile returned.

“Of course not! I was merely testing you, my late-working chum!”

Earl inwardly shook himself. He had just accused the city’s hero of being an ordinary bank robber.

“Oh, Mr. Captain, I wouldn’t insinuate that you would…”

“Say nothing more about it! I have my job to do, and you have yours. Now tell me, what security measures keep your mighty vault secure?”

It was getting rather late now, but Earl wasn’t going to remind his hero that the bank was technically closed. 

“Well, sir, it’s all controlled here at the desk. We’ve got a wall of laser beams as our first level of defense.”

“Laser beams! Tell me, Earl, do you remember the time I fought the shark-laser hybrid, Lazerteeth?”

That didn’t sound like a villain Earl remembered, but the Captain had lots of foes, so he listened in. The story grabbed his attention as few stories had before. The Captain told of his exploits with such gusto, such panache, you would have thought that he was William Shakespeare.

“And that’s when I broke that shark’s jaws! And finally, peace reigned on that island again.”

And just like that, Earl’s finger flicked the switch to deactivate the laser wall. The guard shook himself awake. 

“Earl, Earl! You dosed for a second there! You were telling me the security measures of your impressive bank here.”

Earl didn’t remember falling asleep. That was strange. And with such a good story too! He sat up straight in his chair and continued. It was funny, he had never shared any of these security details with anyone before. Who would have known? Being around the Captian made him feel so at ease!

“Well, next we have an eye scanner. It can be overruled by a master switch code, but only two people know it.”

“I don’t suppose you would be one of those people, would you Earl? It seems that it’s given to important folks like you.” Finally, someone knew how much Earl was worth!

“Yes, sir, now next…”

“Yes, yes, it’s like the time I fought Eygo the Living Eyeball! That was surely a battle for the ages. It was one of my earlier adventures, though.  Maybe you don’t remember it?”

Earl’s son had every villain action figure that the Captian had fought, and the security guard had the credit card debt to prove it. He didn’t remember a living eyeball. Then again, however, some of the earlier exploits of the hero didn’t make it into the news. 

“So there I was, saving those astronauts with my gravity inverter when this massive eyeball attacked me! I turned and walloped him with an Asteroid Punch! And then I proceeded to teach him who was the boss.”

“Master Code input has been authorized. The eye scanner has been deactivated.” Earl couldn’t remember the last time he was this tired on a night shift. He had better just take a picture with the Captain and then ask him to go so he could nap in peace. He would rest with the alert radio in his lap like he always did.

“Mr. Captain, sir, it’s really quite late. I appreciate the riveting stories, but I need to get back to my shift. Before you go, though, can I get a picture? My kid will absolutely go nuts if he finds out I met you!”

“Of course, as soon as you tell me the last step in the vault’s defense.”

Earl wanted to hesitate, but the words seemed to flow out of him easier than they had before.

“The final defense measure is our state-of-the-art vault. It’s made of an immovable door. Even you might have a little trouble; It’s fifty tons of the heaviest metals on earth!”

The Captian smirked.

“I doubt that. An immovable door is nothing compared to my greatest foe, the Behemoth!” A dark cloud suddenly fell over Earl.

“Earl, Earl, wake up! What happened here?” The early morning light pierced through the windows of the bank as Earl’s supervisor shook him awake. Earl was simultaneously exhausted and alert.

“What do you mean, Sir?”

“What do I mean? Earl, the entire bank safe has been cleared out!”

On a rooftop nearby, there was a man dressed in a black unitard holding two bags of money. Mr. Another, a villain with the ability to impersonate anyone, cackled silently to himself. His newfound superpowers of persuasion were working rather fantastically. If he kept it up, he would be the richest villain in the city. Unless, of course, the real Mr. Omega Asteroid found him first.