Inebria

Inebria

By Gary E. Grissom

Thomas Collins, a young alcoholic, was driving home from what he believed was the best New Year’s Eve party he had ever attended. Unfortunately, Thomas was inebriated from drinking too many Margaritas. He had received a DUI a few years ago and he’d had his license revoked. He had even gone through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous; but now he had gone off the wagon because he felt he could certainly handle the effects of only one Margarita. Of course, the one Margarita led to two others before a friend reminded him that he was an alcoholic and should stop drinking. His friend then brought Thomas a cup of coffee but that wasn’t quite enough to completely sober him up. Even the icy cold wind of the coldest night of the year couldn’t sober him us as he had left the party and had walked out to his car. However, as Thomas continued driving, he still managed to have enough sense to pull off the highway onto a sideroad so that he could park his car and get some sleep.

As Thomas drove onto the sideroad, he blacked out. When he awoke, he felt as if he had been sleeping for hours. Looking around him, he received a great shock. Thomas discovered he was lying in a meadow – a very strange meadow that had wine colored grass, huge mushrooms three feet high, a giant herd of pink elephants that danced in a circle and sang Auld Lang Syne, a forest that surrounded it which had trees shaped like martini glasses, and the sky above was the color of beer with clouds that looked quite foamily.

Thomas then heard a woman’s voice calling and singing his name from the edge of the forest.

“Thomas Collins, come to me, I’ve been waiting for you.”

At first, Thomas was uncertain if he should go to her. But his curiosity got the best of him. As he started walking towards the voice, he emitted an enormous hiccup that was so powerful it caused him to float over the meadow quite easily until he landed lightly at the feet of the middle-aged woman who had been calling to him. She was sitting on one of the mushrooms and had long green hair, a light green transparent nightgown, and was holding a Crème-de-Minth in one hand and a green cigarette holder in the other.

“Hi baby,” she said. “My name is Rosy and I’m a barfly.”

“You’re who?” asked Thomas.

“I’m Rosy the barfly.”

“Oh, uh, sure.” he said bewilderedly as he scratched his chin.

“Say, where the hell am I?”

“Oh yes, I realize you must be considerably confused.” she said. ‘You, my dear Thomas, have just entered the land called Inebria. You have come here because a few minutes ago, while you were drunk driving on earth, you drove onto the secret-trap road that leads here.”

“Oh I must be dreaming.” He said. “This isn’t for real.”

“I’m sorry baby, but it is.” Rosy answered. “You see, Inebria is a sort of purgatory for alcoholics who aren’t Christian enough to heaven and not quite sinful enough to go hell.”

“You mean I’m dead?”

“No, not yet. But the life from your body is slippin’ away down there on earth.

“Did I have an accident or something?”

“Well sort of. Whenever an alcoholic drives onto our road, his car disintegrates and his soul goes flyin’ here while his poor body gets slammed against the pavement.”

“Hey! Wait a minute. This can’t be true. I’ll close my eyes and then open them and I’ll be in my car again.

Thomas closed his eyes and opened them only to be greeted again by Rosie’s smiling face.

“Shit.” He said resignedly. “Well, isn’t there some way I can keep myself from dying and having to stay here?”

“As a matter of fact there is.” Rosy answered. “You see, Inebria is ruled by a huge bottle of Irish Whiskey who is named Bottle O’ Booze. Bottle O’booze walks and talks and everything just like a human. Like every new arrival here, you will be given the opportunity to fight him for your life. If you win, you, your soul, will fly back to your body and be reunited with it. Your body will be completely rejuvenated and you will live a straight sober life and go to heaven when you die. If you lose, you will be turned into a pink elephant, like those you see over there in the meadow, and be forced to sing Auld Lang Syne and dance in a circle for all eternity. However, occasionally Bottle O’ Booze is sympathetic and gives all the pink elephants a day off. At that time, they are turned back into human form again and are allowed to chase me and make love to me if they want to. And, of course, they always do.” Rosy added, fluttering her long green eyelashes.

“Mmmm…isn’t there another way out?” Thomas said. “What if I decide not to fight him?”

“I’m sorry honey.” She answered. “There’s no other way out and either you fight him willingly or he’ll come lookin’ for you to make you fight ‘em.”

“Well, I guess I don’t have any choice.” Thomas said with dismay. “You know something Rosy, you and everything else about this place are really freaking me out. For instance, how did you know my name?”

“Oh I  knew your name because whenever a person on earth becomes an alcoholic, one of Bottle O’ Boozes agents takes down your name and a physical description of you. He then has me file it when he returns and, therefore, I’m ready to interview all new arrivals.”

“Well, how did you get here? And are you the only woman around this place.”

“The answer to your first question Thomas,  is that long ago when Inebria was first created, there was a great need for a barfly to give this place a final touch of atmosphere. So one night when I was walkin’ home from a bar, one of Bottle O’Booze’s agents grabbed me as I walked by and brought me here. The answer to your second question is that, no, there aren’t any other women here because he doesn’t believed you alcoholics deserve more than one woman amongst you. Therefore, women who are alcoholics don’t come into Inebria. They are sent to the Wine country where they are eternally chased and molested by an old  perverted wine maker.”

“I see. Uh…when am I supposed to fight Bottle O’ Booze?”

“Exactly twenty-four hours from the moment you arrived in Inebria. So you have quite a while yet in which you can walk around and see the sights and so forth.” Rosy said with a twinkle in her eye.

“Well, before I do, could you please give me some advice as to how to go about fighting that character tomorrow? You know, how to prepare myself for him and what tactics he’s going to use against me.”

“I’m sorry Thomas. I’m not allowed to give you any advice. If I did, Bottle O’ Booze would force me to be like one of those old topless Go-Go Girls for all eternity. I would have to dance six days a week on top of one of these mushrooms.”

“I’m in serious trouble!” Thomas exclaimed worriedly as he started to walk away but then turned back to Rosy. “By the way, how much time do I have before my body dies?

“Oh up here,” she answered, “time is so slow compared to earth that the ratio is three of our hours to one of its hours. So don’t sweat it.”

Thomas took a long walk in the meadow and pondered over his situation. How am I going to fight and possibly defeat such a peculiar opponent as Bottle O’ Booze? he thought. Why the only things I know about him are that he’s obviously made of glass and that he possibly walks and talks like a human. That’s not a helluva lot to go on. If there were some rocks around here, I could throw some at him and maybe break his glass. But so far I haven’t seen any. Mmmm…well maybe I could force him against one of those trees at the edge of the meadow and beat him against it till his glass broke. Oh no, that wouldn’t work; the trunks of those damn trees are so thin they would break the first time I knocked him against one.

To try and jar another idea to his head, Thomas rolled over and over and did somersaults in the wine colored grass. Discovering that this method didn’t work, he forced another huge hiccup and floated through the air until he landed lightly beside the herd of pink elephants. He tried to get some advice from them but to no avail. They just kept on singing Auld Lang Syne and dancing in the same circle. Finally, in utter frustration, Thomas decided to go back to Rosy and try again to get some advice from her. Emitting another hiccup, he floated back towards the edge of the forest where Rosy was still sitting on the same mushroom.

“Hello again Rosy.” he said. “I’ve been thinking and thinking about my fight tomorrow with Bottle O’ Booze and I can’t imagine any way in which I’ll be able to defeat him. So come on baby, please give me some advice. What could really be so bad about being a topless Go Go dancer? Why, I think you might even enjoy dancing your hours away.”

“You know somethin’ baby,” Rosy said. “You’ve got a point there. All the years I’ve been here, I’ve been thinkin’ what a drag this is just sittin’ around and drinkin’ Crème-de-Minthes. Being a Go Go Girl might actually be fun and besides, it would keep me trim. I’ll tell you what Tommy, if you’ll do two favors for me, I’ll tell you how to whip Bottle O’ Booze.”

“Anything Rosy – you just name it!” Thomas exclaimed excitedly.

“Okay Thomas,” she said. “Number one: I think you’re kinda cute and I want you to make love to me. Number two: since I love music so much and have always wanted someone to write a song about me, I want you to write one about me. I know you play the guitar, for when Bottle O’ Booze’s agent took down a physical description of you, he included that on that night you were strumming a guitar and singing a song to a pretty barmaid.

Thomas looked at Rosy, pondered his desperate situation again, and realized that he liked her green hair and she wasn’t bad looking for an old barfly. Besides, the agent was right, he did play the guitar and, furthermore, he always enjoyed composing songs. But since he didn’t have a guitar with him he began to worry about how he would handle the deal.

“Okay Rosy.” Thomas said. “I’ll make love to you right now if you wish. But in order for me to write a song about you, I’m going to need a guitar.”

“Oh gettin’ a guitar is no problem.” She said. “A couple of years ago when three if those pink elephants came in one group, one of them had a guitar with him. It’s now kept in a cozy spot in the middle of the forest. Come on honey, we’re going to that clearing right now because I’m just dyin’ to get it on with you.

After Thomas made love to Rosy, he noticed a strange new feeling coming over him. He couldn’t quite understand what it was – he just knew he had never felt this way before.

“Hey Thomas,” Rosy said. Before you write my song, I want you to sample a maraschino cherry from this tree nearby that grows them as big as apples”

She led Thomas a little deeper into the woods until they came to a tree which grew as she said, “maraschino cherries as big as apples.” Rosy picked one and asked him to take a bite. Taking a bite, Thomas suddenly realized what his strange new feeling was. He had fallen in love with Rosy. He couldn’t imagine what kept him from realizing it before.

“Come on Rosy.” He said as he took her by the hand. “Let’s go back to the clearing. I can just feel the lyrics to your song wanting to spring from my lips.”

When they arrived back to the clearing, Thomas picked up the old guitar that was lying there, tuned it and began strumming. The following lyrics flowed from his mouth in a rich baritone.

“I’m in love with a barfly,

I hope she’s in love with me.

I’m only 26 and she’s about 43.

Yipee! Yipee! Yipee! Yipeee!

I don’t want to leave Inebria

Because I love Ro-ho-sy!”

“Oh how wonderful!” exclaimed Rosy with a sly grin. “Why I love you too Tom. But guess what? When you sang that you didn’t want to leave Inebria, your body immediately died down on earth. From now on, for all eternity, you will be here with me.

“Well you know something Rosy, that’s okay by me. But I wonder, am I still going to have to fight Bottle O’ Booze? Do I have to become a pink elephant to stay here? And incidentally, where is this guy Bottle O’ Booze? I haven’t seen him around.

“Tommy,” Rosy softly said, “Don’t you know better than to trust the word of an old barfly like me? I lied to you Tommy. Bottle O’ Booze is not a he – he’s a she and she is me. My full name is Rosy Bottle O’ Booze,

An instant later, Thomas found himself dancing in the circle of pink elephants. He looked at himself and realized that he now was a pink elephant too. The lyrics “May auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind…” flowed from his mouth in his rich baritone voice.