Take Me Tonight

(Write a story about someone feeling powerless.)

Elizabeth caught a glimpse of herself in the drugstore window.  I guess there was no denying the years, she had changed so much over time.  The image was slightly cloudy and the display inside distracting but it was clear enough for her to feel the edges of hopelessness.  She felt old and powerless, she felt very tired, one shade short of helpless!

Returning home she was happy to find no bills in the mailbox but no letters or cards either.  She expected cards, her birthday was  only a few days from now and she was turning eighty.  Eighty was old in her mind,  she thought of her grandmother who seemed very old when she died at sixty-five.  Her old maiden aunt who lived to seventy-three seemed positively ancient.  Added to this, many  of her friends had already gone to rest ahead of her so she should quit feeling so down about everything, she still had lovely mornings to see and her needlework and her books to read.  She was ok really, just needed to get her head out of the dumps.

The last few months had done so much to color her view of everything.  She had felt unwell and went to visit her doctor.  Tests had been arranged and each test found something a bit different.  First it was her blood that was not up to where they wanted it to be so she was referred to a hematologist.  That specialist ordered up ultrasounds and CT scans and that indicated her liver was in distress and something was unusual in her female organs.  This created appointments with a gastroenterologist and a gynecologist and more scans.   Now Elizabeth was getting truly scared.  They kept handing her off to different specialists but there was never a real answer.  She felt helpless and the idea grew larger in her mind that soon they would find the dreaded cancer everyone feared so much!  She felt hopeless and helpless,  answers,  she needed answers, why couldn’t they just say it out loud...CANCER!

Elizabeth felt like a human puzzle,  so many specialists, looking and poking and drawing out her blood.  It had been months waiting for something definitive but all she got was maybe and could be and further tests.  Elizabeth felt powerless, she was just worrying herself into the grave she knew was waiting.

The other thing that added to her hopelessness was the frightful “Pandemic”. The only recreation she had was going to the medical appointments, she felt alone and tired of the isolation, she truly felt powerless.

Finally she had managed to get through her day.  She’d eaten a light supper remembering the things she could no longer eat, some of her favorite things.  Life was getting to be a real trial.  

The time for bed had arrived.  Elizabeth hoped for sleep but that was another thing that had upset her.  Worry and inactivity do not go well with deep sleep and total rest, she felt she was slowly wearing down to nothing.

It was a scary thing to sit at your vanity,  in front of your mirror,  and try to be brutally honest with the one who stares back at you!  With others you can dodge,  you can bob and weave,  you can distract and mislead and sidetrack, but with your own mind,  there was, and could be, no avoidance!

As she stared at her image, she tried to think,  or remember, the emotions when things were so good, so perfect,  yes, so beautiful!  The beauty and optimism of youth,  gone from her now but the memories still present in her mind.

Moments of pleasure like the first drop of wine on your tongue.  Delicious,  the rest of the glass never appreciated as much as the first burst of flavor.  The first flowers in spring after a frozen and barren winter,  the winter snows giving way to the soggy brown grasses and weeds just waiting for the sun to reach them at last,  and one morning a flower and then two and then overnight fields of beauty.

Her mind had  done it again,  she wanted  to sort out her emotions but her mind wanted to wander the lanes and forest paths describing the landscape and things that were pleasant to witness.  There had  been little pleasant in her mind today so perhaps her mind was refusing to play the pity game.

There was nothing to pity really,  life was ever changing and one must look with brutal honesty at one's own life account.   She does not speak of tangible things, money, or assets, but one’s life riches,  perhaps love,  joy, happiness and even health.  How much had she spent?  Did she spend wisely?   How much remains?   Has it any value?   Can it be grown?  Has it become just empty, shadow with no substance?  What of the real Elizabeth remained?  What of her remaining life expectations?   So many questions,  so few answers!   

Elizabeth thought perhaps it was best not to question,  not to stare down one's image in the mirror.   The future always had been and always will be a mystery being shown to us only as it happens,  and if she turned her head slightly and checked  her peripheral vision, she might have caught glimpses of missed opportunity or alternate courses of travel,  but she knew that was best left alone.   

She sat, she remained frozen in this position,  in front of her mirror, minutes had passed and her focus had gone so deep that her face and eyes were gone and all that remained was just a blurred image like a watercolor bleeding in the rain.

Tears had  trickled down her face.  Her mind struggled with the enormity of her problems.  What could she have possibly done to fix her life?   How could she lose the feelings she felt of total helplessness?  

She gathered herself together, she walked slowly through her home as she had done thousands of times before.  Finally she felt exhausted enough to sleep for weeks.  The bed felt good, the crispness of the linens, the smell of freshness from outside line drying, Elizabeth closed her eyes and prayed….

“Dear God, either take me tonight as I sleep or take some of my burden.  I cannot continue to carry this hopeless feeling, I feel powerless, so I ask you to take me tonight!”