Mischief on the Farm

(Based on true stories my grandfather would tell about growing up on the farm.) 

It all started when Mr. Wilson bought some new pigs for the farm. Not that Jeffrey and Billy Wilson hadn’t had adventures already that summer. It’s just that the excitement of an adventure fades after a while. And then, especially during summer, boredom sets in, dreaded Boredom, an evil being that stalks children. Adults can be dismissive of Boredom, having lost their fear of it, but children know all too well the terror of being snatched up and carried away to a land where there is nothing to do. But thus far Jeffrey, who was ten, and his younger brother Billy, who was seven, had done an excellent job at keeping Boredom at bay that summer, as well as stretching the nerves of their parents, who had begun, instead of showing pleasure at the adventures the boys found, to wring their hands and ask suspicious questions.

Earlier that summer that the boys’ older sister Mona had locked them out of the house while the parents were away in town. For revenge, Jeffrey and Billy had rigged the outhouse with a bucket full of water over the door, with the purpose of drenching Mona when she came to the outhouse. What they didn’t count on was that Mr. Wilson would come rumbling down the driveway in his truck, earlier than expected, jump out, slam the door, and stride towards the outhouse while flinging one overall strap over his shoulder. The boys learned that day that being locked outside the house by their sister was better than enduring the wrath of a dripping-wet Mr. Wilson.

There was also the time Jeffrey and Billy went exploring in the pond near the farm. “Billy!” exclaimed Jeffrey, concentrating on feeling something with his hand under the water. “I found a German army helmet from World War Two!”

“Really?” said Billy. “Nah, you’re just kidding.”

“It’s true! It’s the right shape and everything!”

“Well, show me then!”

“You bet I will! Look!” And Jeffrey gave a great heave and pulled his prize out of the water. It was a scary moment, the boys thought later, when the army helmet sprouted legs and the angry head of a snapping turtle, who was not happy about being plucked out of the water.

“Jeffrey.”

“Isn’t it cool?”

“Jeffrey!”

“What?”

“It’s a snapping turtle! Put it back!”

“Yeah right,” said Jeffrey, whose thick glasses had not revealed to him the true identity of what he held. “You’re just kidding me.” But then he felt a scaly leg brush against his hand. Doubt began to creep into his mind. When Billy yelled that the turtle just missed snapping off one of Jeffrey’s fingers, with a splash the snapping turtle went back to its home, while the boys scrambled out of the water.

But through it all, there was the tantalizing prospect of those new pigs Mr. Wilson had bought. Jeffrey had always wanted to ride an animal like a real cowboy. And as the horses on the farm were too big and mean for a ten and a seven-year-old boy to ride, the pigs were perfect. They were big enough to ride, and if one could get a leg across the broad back of one of them, then it could be possible to ride it.

It was a bright and sunny day on the Wilson farm when Jeffrey and Billy would have the chance of realizing their dream. It was Saturday and the two boys were in danger of Boredom. Jeffrey was aimlessly sitting on the grass in his backyard. He could feel the familiar jaws of Boredom beginning to gnaw at the back of his brain. This wasn’t good. It must be remedied immediately. Suddenly a thought occurred to him, something his cousin Eddie had told him.

“Hey Billy,” Jeffrey said casually to his brother Billy, who sat next to him just as aimlessly on the grass, “have you ever wondered what happens if you stare at the sun for a long time?” Jeffrey didn’t tell Billy that cousin Eddie had said that after he stared at the sun for half an hour, it looked like just a black hole in the sky. Jeffrey thought this sounded neat and kind of wanted to try it. He already had bad eyesight anyway, helped only a little by his thick glasses. The sun couldn’t make his eyes much worse. Maybe the sun would turn black before half an hour had passed. Anyhow, Jeffrey was almost bored enough to try it. Unfortunately, Billy’s interest was not sparked. “No,” he answered. Jeffrey huffed. He couldn’t sit on the grass and mull all day. He had to do something. It was the perfect day for adventures, but both the boys’ parents were home. That meant they couldn’t go looking for more exciting things to do. Mr. and Mrs. Wilson were oddly strict about what the boys could do for fun.

Jeffrey was about to argue that they have a contest to see who could stare at the sun the longest, when suddenly a third voice spoke. “We’re going to town; you boys be good while we’re gone.” It was Mrs. Wilson. “Sure ma!” Jeffrey said while Billy grinned his agreement. Their mother raised her eyebrow but turned away and, along with Mona and Mr. Wilson, got into the old farm truck. As it rolled away down the long gravel driveway, the breeze blowing the dust stirred up by the tires, Jeffrey turned to Billy and said, “I’ve got an idea.” Oh, yes. This was going to be much better than staring at the sun.

Minutes later the boys were inside the barn. The floor of the barn was muddy, with piles of hay sprouting here and there. The pigs were in a loose group, snuffling around in the hay for food. Squinting, Jeffrey approached a large sow named Thelma that seemed docile enough. He started by scratching her ears and talking gently to her. But every once in a while, the sow would move, and Jeffrey would have to start over getting himself in position to swing a leg over. Finally he jumped on. The sow grunted and began to turn herself in a circle in an effort to rid her back of its burden. “Hurry!” Jeffrey shouted to Billy, who scrambled around the sow’s side, trying to launch himself onto her back. He slipped in the mud but jumped on just as the sow began to gallop around the barn. Both boys bounced wildly, whooping and waving their arms with glee. They fell off when Thelma reached the other end of the barn. They lay in the hay, laughing. The sow stalked off indignantly. “Let’s do that again!” said Jeffrey. “Yeah!” said Billy. Thelma wouldn’t let them near her, so the boys picked a smaller, more manageable sow named Peach. They repeated the same process as before, scratching the ears, speaking deceitful soothing words. But when they jumped on her back she squealed sharply and sat down. Billy, who was on the end, slid off her back and landed in the dirt. Jeffrey kicked Peach in the sides, but to no avail. She sat moaning to herself. Jeffrey chewed on his lip. He had heard when his father had bought the pigs that if a pig’s back got damaged, she could lose the use of her hind legs and have to be put down. Jeffrey thought of his father and the way he would react when he came home and found one of his new sows sitting in the dirt, unable to get up. He also knew that it couldn’t be too long before his parents and sister came home from town. “We have to get her up,” he panted to Billy. “Quick!” They tried everything they could think of to get Peach to stand, like pushing her from behind, while the other boy pulled at her head, and tempting her with an apple held just away from her snout. Billy and Jeffrey even tied a rope around her midsection and tried to pull her forward onto her feet. But it was no use. Jeffrey was sweating from the exertion, but also from fear. Being punished by his dad would be far worse than being caught by Boredom. Boredom, by the way, had fled at the prospect of punishment and did not dare to come back for a while. Jeffrey wiped his forehead and looked at Billy, whose eyes were as round as Jeffrey’s. “There’s only one thing we can do now,” he said. “Pray.” It was quite a show, Billy would say to himself later. Jeffrey got himself all worked up like a minister about to preach fire and brimstone. Jeffrey got to huffing, and snorting, and then started muttering under his breath. First, he pleaded to God for mercy, for these two boys, just trying to have fun but knew they shouldn’t have ridden the pigs in the first place. Then Jeffrey shouted, “Devil of lameness, I command you to leave now!” and he threw a handful of hay at the barn wall. If there had been a devil standing there, he would have just gotten over being hit by the hay before a second handful hit him in the face. Smack! Billy was impressed. He thought Jeffrey was brave to shout at the devil like that. He watched, his own righteous anger beginning to rise. He was even more impressed when Jeffrey began using fancy sounding words he had heard in church. “Lord, I beseech Thee, have mercy on us!” Jeffrey pelted the barn wall with hay. “Go check if she’s standing,” he turned and told Billy. He couldn’t trust his own eyes to tell if Peach was on her feet. Billy eagerly ran to check on Peach. She was still sitting like a dog, moaning to herself. Billy ran back. “She’s still down!” Jeffrey groaned. “We’ve got to pray harder! Quick, get on your knees! Pray!” He went back to throwing hay at the wall and screaming angrily at the devil. Billy was moved to tears. He was sure that if Peach would stand up, he would never again do something that his parents had told him not to. Every few minutes, Jeffrey would send him to check on Peach. Running over, he would see her still sitting, still moaning in pain. He would run back and report, and Jeffrey would turn a shade paler, and pray and throw and command the devil of lameness to leave.

Suddenly the two boys heard (just barely over Jeffrey’s shouting) the crunching of tires on gravel. Their father’s truck had just turned into the long driveway. The boys froze, looked at each other. Jeffrey’s nose began to sniffle, not necessarily because he was crying, but because of the dust driven into the air by all the hay-throwing. His feet like lead, Jeffrey trudged over to check on Peach one last time before his doom. He was in a daze. Maybe God thought he deserved the punishment he would get, or maybe he hadn’t prayed hard enough. “Jeffrey!” breathed Billy. Peach was standing. She had stopped moaning and was grunting calmly to herself, snuffling around in the hay. Her hind legs were straight and strong. It was a miracle, the boys declared later. Jeffrey’s nose was really sniffling now, because he was amazed at the mercy extended to him and Billy through Peach standing on her own four legs. “Thank you, God!” he murmured. Then laughed. Punishment was off. “Thank you, God!!” he shouted while Billy laughed. The slam of a truck door was heard. The boys ran out of the barn, Jeffrey roughly wiping away the tears on his face. “You boys been stayin’ out of trouble like we told you to?” asked Mr. Wilson. “Yes sir,” grinned Jeffrey. “Just barely, but we made it.”  

The farm had remained standing for another day.