Dairy of a Reluctant Ruler

From the throne of Alistair the 12th

Entry 1

The royal advisor has once again urged me to keep a record of the daily occurrences so that if I am ever “indisposed”, whoever shall take my place will be able to comprehend the nuances and rationale behind my decisions.

I am not sure which implication offends me more: that I would be irresponsible enough to leave the throne without a contingency plan or that I truly care what happens to the kingdom once my reign is complete.

I had no intentions of being the figurehead for demonkind; my talents are more suited for puppetry and shadows. However, seeing that you have fled our lands to become domesticated by a human, the responsibility of overseeing our domain falls on me.

Therefore, I shall be writing these journal entries as if they are for you specifically, dear brother, and ensuring that the pages are filled with every complaint that I can conceive of. Moreover, once the pages are full, I shall take this tome and fling it at your head so that it will provide you with physical suffering as well as mental.

The advisor does desire to use this text as a historical tool to help train future leaders. Perhaps I can use this record as a way to seek revenge on him as well; he has increased the number of opportunities for citizens to air their grievances in front of the crown from monthly to once a fortnight, so he also needs to experience a taste of my wrath.

Entry 27

Before I was punished for some unknown crime by being sentenced to eternity on the throne, I assumed that demons were superior to humans in strength, courage, and intellect. After three rounds of listening to our kind whine and moan to their king about perceived slights and inconveniences, I have concluded that most demons are simply humans with a more foul attitude and a longer lifespan to build up their arsenal of complaints.

Today can serve as evidence to the verdict that I presented above.

With the planting season fast approaching, several local municipalities are once again holding pointless ceremonies to convince their non-existent deity or deities to provide a bountiful harvest at the end of the term. I swear my next initiative will be to revise the kingdom’s education curriculum, reconstruct it until it accurately represents how our world functions, then craft new laws that require all citizens to attend a minimum amount of classes. Both humans and demons!

I can hear your voice questioning my sudden display of altruism, dear brother: ‘Alistair, has sovereignty abated your disdain for the serfs and provincial?’

Of course not, Aeronzile. This family can only support one member defiling himself with a lower being. But if the citizens of our domain were enlighten to the ways of the world, perhaps they would no longer darken my doorway with petty nonsense!

Were you aware that both a human village and a demon hamlet pray to the heavens for a bountiful harvest on the same day? Most likely not. Were you informed of the fact they also offer identical sacrifices to appease a mysterious force neither has even seen. I would assume not. Oh, and most importantly, brother mine, were acquainted with the location of these two clusters of creatures, which happens to be directly opposite of each other with the main trading route providing a dividing line between them. Of course not because why in heaven or hell would a KING need to know about two tribes with less than one hundred members between them?

Because, dearest brother, the villages had a dispute that they could not settle amongst themselves, so they somehow felt the best course of action was for each of them to send their greatest imbecilic to grace my doorstep and take part in the now twice monthly grievances session your advisor so wisely decided to schedule. And do you wish to know what their complaint was?

While I am certain you answered negatively to my proposed question, you really have no choice but to suffer as I had. I will be asking the palace mage for a spell that will recite these entries for you so that you will share in my pain.

Nevertheless, I am seated on the throne, observing these two…adults, for lack of a better term, quarrel over the creature they wish to offer to their idol. Apparently they were both taking part in their early morning rounds and stumbled across a squirrel the color of the midnight sky. Yes, brother, the same damned beast with a long woolly appendage that continues to tear up your beloved’s garden. For some unfathomable reason these people find the creature majestic and believe that “one so rare belongs to the gods.” However, both claimed the mammal to be there and wished for me to decide to whom he belonged to.

If you are curious as to what is pictured in the sketch below, the creature’s name is Onyx, and he is now my familiar. The sacrifice was intended for their ruler after all, and what am I if not that.

On an unrelated note, I will be visiting soon to ascertain who you would believe to be a suitable replacement for the advisor. An unfortunate accident has seemed to befallen him.

Entry 51

Damn you, your human mate, and your accursed household. Regardless of the reason for my visitation, there is always some sort of event or crisis that gifts me with a new and inane task.

As mentioned in my prior entry, I find myself in need of a new advisor; after having to handle communicating with the council directly since I no longer have him to serve as a liaison, contracting a replacement has become of the utmost importance.

I shall never disclose this fact to you in person, dear brother, but you are the one who possesses the “people skills”. I have not the patience nor the empathy to handle the emotions of others. You, on the other hand, receive daily training in such things through the humans you are collecting. Therefore, I sought your council in regards to whom I should consider selecting for the role.

However, when I arrived at your domicile in the human world, it was vexing to discover that you were not present in the home. Allegedly you were at the home of the excessively large lizard claiming to be a dragon assisting with the rehoming of a ghost. Fear no, brother mine, this disgusting display of compassion will remain a secret between us.

Ah, but how was I made aware of your actions? Well, if you choose to continue this dalliance with a human, perhaps you should remind her that in our world, spilled secrets can lead to death.

That being said, if your Harper is ever looking to relocate to our world, I could employ her as a torturer in the palace dungeons with great success.

As I stepped foot into your room of living, the expression of great relief followed by the proclamation “Alistair, thank god you are here”, should have been my clue to disappear and preferably never return. However, prior experiences have proven that leaving your lover alone without a supernatural being to question her choices tends to lead to what could be considered a crisis. It wasn't that long ago in that same room of living that I myself had to save her from transforming into the living dead.

Therefore, in my own act of altruism, I offered my assistance to Harper and planned to claim this debt of favor over you at a future date.

Aeronzile, you owe me thrice for the events of today.

In recent months I have tasked myself with absorbing as much information as possible about the education system so that we can better improve our schooling practices and eventually have demonkind surpass the advancements of humans. However, in all my research, I have never come across such a ritual as the one Harper conned me into taking part in.

Apparently in the human realm there is a tradition of professors stripping their chambers bare and locking away all materials that contain knowledge for the duration of the midsummer season. Months of materials, research, and manufactured goods must be carefully labeled and stored until the harvest season arrives. Yet, what clearly took days to create must be effectively disassembled within hours.

“Madness!” you may declare, dear brother, and you would be correct. I have never seen an event that makes less sense than the one I witnessed today. Time rapidly flowing by; yet, people stand around and reminisce about events that occurred only days ago. Hugs and tears were exchanged only to be followed by insulting commentary once the colleague had vacated the space. Humans are far more cruel than I believed. Perhaps I need to consider taking on one of these “kinder” teachers as my advisor. They have conversations filled with content and language that even gave me pause, and apparently they frequently ignore pleading and threats of violence.

Your woman, though, oh she did drive me mad, brother. She is fortunate that you are fond of her for I am not sure that she would have survived today otherwise.

For one thing, solidarity is not a word that apparently has meaning for her.

After arriving at the schoolhouse, she wished to “scope out” the teacher’s room of lounging. I was under the impression that the purpose of the day was to remove items from her chambers, not introduce new belongings. As I expressed this line of thinking, one of the other occupants proceeds to laugh at me, ruler of all demons, and tells me that “you’ll learn quick that all teachers are scavengers and hoarders. And if they aren’t when they start, they’ll be that way by the end of the year.”

Naturally I have already informed the palace healers and mages to begin researching vaccines for this hoarding illness; none of our citizens will permit a school to be built in their village if the instructors are cursed with thievery during the course of their duty. Nor will anyone be willing to bear watching a highly educated person question for ten minutes whether or not they wish to retrieve a half used carton of colored wax. I even offered to purchase a sealed carton for Harper, but she declined, claiming she did not want to be wasteful.

And yet, I spent an entire hour working as a pack mule carrying practically unused tomes to the waste receptacle outside the building for her and her colleagues. I swear Aeronzile that every citizen in the capitol city could have had enough material for their own Rebirth Celebration bonfires with what was thrown away. But the coloring wax would have been a waste?

Your woman then put me to a task that I will soon be educating our dungeon master on so that he can implement it post haste. Have you ever heard of a staple, brother? Metal in the human world is in such abundance that they have now created a tiny cannon that fires thin pieces of it to attach paper to various objects. These instructors then use this staple clad their chambers in paintings and informational charts. However, the building overseer demands that these metals be removed yearly; perhaps they disrupt the energy of the edifice. Regardless, Harper tasked me with prying each of these nearly invisible pieces of metal from the walls using the jaws of a diminutive snake that have also been dipped in metal.

As I am experimenting with this new punishment technique, she proceeds to package up her belongings, place them in a space, and then decide that the location was unsatisfactory and then carries them to a new location in the room. Meanwhile, her fellow educators keep visiting and introducing themselves to me. Harper claims that the women were just thirsty, but I have never heard of dehydration causing arousal in humans. Yet another thing to ask the mages to research.

After the fifth woman found an excuse to brush her hand against my limbs and torso, Harper was wise enough to shut the door to prevent any unplanned bloodshed.

However, the true agony of the day is the fact that it did not end. Most creatures would agree that if a person’s work is completed to satisfaction, they are permitted to leave. Apparently the governor’s of the schools are not in agreement; therefore, the instructors were required to stay until the closing hour had passed, even if all their tasks and chores were attended to. The leaders actually recommended that their staff find other tasks to complete in order to assist them.

Naturally, no employee did such a thing, and they instead gathered to bond over games. Human entertainment has yet to make it into my areas of study, but thankfully your woman was able to explain away my unfamiliarity with the concepts by claiming that I came from a far off nation. If I am to be honest, the contests were quite amusing once I was made aware of the expectations.

That being said, no one is to ever know of the events of the day. Firstly, the overly cheerful ghost may push for Harper to convince me to participate once again, and I refuse. Secondly, the council may find me ill fit to rule, and while I do not wish to remain king forever, I would be a fool if I believed that you would be ready anytime soon to leave your human behind to retake the throne.

As time passes, I cannot say I disagree with your choice either. It is no secret that I purposefully avoid the company of humans; yet, somehow Harper has become the exception. At the beginning I tolerated her for your sake, but now I can see why you enjoy her company. Her intelligence, strength, and beauty remain even at her lowest of points. There are days where I am tempted to whisk her away and take her as mine…

Entry 52

Despite the fact that I have resolved to burn this burdensome text after I complete this entry, I must offer my apologies for the contents of yesterday’s writings. I was perturbed by a revelation that struck me, and I feel that I was… unnecessarily honest in my commentary. Neither my actions nor my thoughts will ever reach you, dear brother. My secrets will once again be locked away within my soul as the flames destroy this external evidence of my thoughts.