Pretty pink panties.

*warning for crude language and anatomical body parts*

I’m alone in my king-sized bed, trying to drift off to sleep, but the argument buzzes around my brain. I’m not a narcissist, I’m not a male chauvinist pig, nor am I selfish. Why on earth would Sarah think these things of me. She wants to know how I’d like to be treated the same way. Well, I think I treat her like a princess.

I mean… I take her to the pub every Friday night… well… at least when it’s not “guys night out”…

Who does she thinks buys her flowers from the supermarket? Who gives her wolf whistles whenever she wears that sexy red dress? Me - that’s who! I’m working myself up into a frenzy. I need to calm down and get some sleep.

It’s freezing cold tonight; she could have at least stayed to keep me warm… shit! I’m a nice guy – everyone else thinks so! I even let her cook for me!

My eyes are getting heavier and heavier, and as I finally drift off, I think… She’s lucky to have me.

The next thing I know, the sun’s streaming through the half pulled drapes, and there are a bunch of crows squawking outside my window. “Bloody crows”, I mutter as I stretch wide across the bed and reach down to give my balls a scratch…

My eyes wide, I’m fully awake now! My balls are gone! Jumping up in the bed, pulling back the blanket, I almost faint.

“What the fuck?… I have a vagina!… What the fuck?”

Ripping off my t-shirt, I’m staring at a pair of perky looking boobs too!

“Oh my God, what’s happening here?” I burst into tears – which shakes me to the core. Tears are for Sheila’s; why on earth am I crying?

Leaping out of bed, I race into the bathroom, standing before the full-length mirror, I confirm the changes that have taken place. “Not bad…” I do a little pirouette to take in my cute little buns and my tiny waist. “Not bad?… Not bad?… What am I talking about? I’ve turned into a Sheila! Oh my God, what am I going to do?”

My mobile starts ringing, and I dive through the bathroom door and across the bed to grab it. It’s my best mate Jake.

“Jake, hi… listen mate, it’s an emergency. Can you come over to my apartment… quickly?” I notice that my voice has gone up a few octaves.”

“Paul? Is that you?” Jake sounds weirded out.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s me… Well, I think so anyway…”

“Why is your voice so… strange?” 

“Jake, just come over now, please… it’s urgent!”

“Okay, okay, I’m coming… but you sound different. Y’a haven’t got Covid, or anything have you? Maybe that’s why yer voice sounds so unusual!”

“No… No… I haven’t got bloody Covid… just come, ok!”

“Okay, okay… I’m coming now. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” Hanging up.

Sitting on the end of my bed, my head in my hands, I’m trying to figure out what’s happened. My mind is reeling. There is no simple explanation for this. How can I explain this to my family? They’ll think I’ve had a sex-change operation. Hang on; I didn’t, did I? Of course I didn’t. Or did I, and I just can’t remember? I’m pretty sure that this is something I’d remember. How will I explain this to Sarah? She’ll drop me for sure. 

I realise that I’m sitting there naked and that I’d better get some clothes on before Jake arrives. There’s a pair of Sarah’s jeans and one of her sweaters in the wardrobe. Picking them up, I realise there’s a bra and panties underneath. I quickly pull on the pretty pink panties and struggle with the lacy bra before pulling on her jeans and grey knitted sweater. Heading back into the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think… “Not bad… not bad at all.” 

“Shaddup, you idiot!” Admonishing myself. 

Examining my face more closely, I realise that my skin is really soft and clear, and I certainly don’t need a shave. My hair is cut in a cute little bob. 

“Oh, crikey, I’m even thinking like a Sheila!” Sinking into a chair to wait for Jake, a fresh bout of tears roll down my cheeks. Swiping them away with my fingers, I try to make sense of it all, and nothing came to mind except Sarah’s parting words last night.”

“How would you like to be treated like you treat me. You have no idea what it’s like to be a woman in this world!”

A rapid knock on the door and my head shoots up. Drying all my tears on my sleeve, I call out.

“Is that you, Jake.?”

“Yeah, let me in.”

Striding to the door, I’m suddenly nervous. What If Jake doesn’t like me?

“Don’t be so fucking stupid!” As I jerk open the door.

Jake is standing with his mouth gaped open. Staring at me like I’m an alien, he doesn’t seem to be able to form a sentence.

“What the… what’s happ… what the…?”

Dragging him inside, I roll my eyes. “It’s me, stupid. I don’t know what’s happened, I woke up like this. With all of the female bits and none of the male. What am I going to do?”

Then he starts laughing, slowly, and then he’s doubled up; he can’t speak because he’s laughing so much. 

“Shaddup Jake, it’s not funny. What am I going to do?”

My mobile chooses that moment to start chirping. It’s Sarah. 

“Oh God, Jake… tell her I’m in the shower. I can’t talk to her like this. Quickly grab the phone.”

Jake tries to get his laughter under control, but it’s dripping out of his mouth. “Hi, Sarah” struggling to talk appropriately, he turns away from me to get control. 

“Paul… oh, he’s in the shower at the moment… you’re coming over?” 

Grabbing his gaze, I shake my head violently, which starts him off again. Arghhh!

Gaining control once more, Jake speaks into the phone more soberly now. “No, don’t come over; you’ll miss us; Paul is coming out with me to pick up my new car.” Hands in the air, he can’t think of anything else to delay her. “We have to drive across town so that we won’t be back until late. Yeah, I’ll get him to call you later. Okay, bye.” 

He hands me the phone soberly. “You, my friend, have a big problem. I don’t know how this has happened; maybe it’s karma … “You treat women as chattels; maybe this will show you what it’s like to be a Sheila.”

“I do not mistreat women!” Screeching as a fresh batch of tears threatens to erupt. 

“Okay, okay… “ Jake can’t handle the tears. “Let’s go for a drive, far away from Sarah and try to work out what’s happening here. We can put Sarah off today, but you’ll have to face her eventually, you know.” He softened his tone.

“ I know. I just don’t understand it myself, so I can’t explain it to her. Yeah, let’s go for a drive.”

I grab a pair of giant sandals, and I realise I’m about the same size as Sarah now, and she has such delicate, tiny feet. I’m flapping all over the place in these sandals. Jake has his keys, and we head out the door.

Jakes’s car is parked on the street, and heading towards it; we pass a couple of guys trimming a hedge. The younger guy gives a wolf whistle as we pass them. 

“Don’t be so bloody….” I stop myself mid-sentence. 

Jake is on me instantly. “Yeah, it’s a bit different when the shoes are on the other foot, eh?”

Dropping my head, I mutter something about male chauvinist pigs and realise I’m talking about myself. Well… At least my former self.

As we reach his car, I glance in the mirror to see if my bum looks big in these jeans… and roll my eyes at the thought.

“Are you okay?” Jake looks concerned. 

I just nod. I don’t like this this one little bit. Jumping into Jake’s car, I instinctively check the passenger mirror to see if my hair is a mess.

“What are you doing?” Jake asks.

“Nothing.” I lie. This is freaking me out, and I realise what women go through and how men exploit them and make them feel self-conscious about how they look, speak and act. I’m starting to feel ashamed of how I’ve treated Sarah and other women before her. It’s becoming apparent why my relationships are so short-lived and fraught with difficulties. I was just now walking a mile in every woman I’d ever dated shoes, and I didn’t like who I was.

I’m staring out the window and can’t believe I’m checking out clothing stores when we stop at traffic lights. A guy standing on the footpath winks at me, and I actually blush, eyes front. Just then, the lights change, and we head off again.

“Do you know anything about how this has all changed?” Jake is serious now. He’s picked up on my distress. We’ve been friends since pre-school, he’s like a brother to me. Stopping at the next set of red lights, he looked at me seriously.

“I have no idea; I woke up this morning, and my body, my voice and even my thoughts have all changed.” A single lonely tear trickles down my cheek. “What am I going to do?” There’s work; there’s Sarah, my parents, my friends…”

Jake reaches across and gently wipes my tears away. 

“Get off me.” I pushed his hand away… it was too weird. Then we both laughed together. It was a mess, but I still had my best friend, and we’d… we’d … we’ll, I don’t know, but I thought we would work it out somehow. 

Finally, after driving in silence, each deep in thought, we arrived at the beach. My feet are freezing, but I couldn’t flop around in those vast sandals, so leaving them in the car I join Jake on the walking path. There aren’t many people around because it’s so cold, so we continue walking and chatting like a pair of old friends do with ease. If he didn’t look at me, we could just talk normally.

I told him about the huge fight that Sarah and I had the previous night and how she had gone home rather than stay the night. I recounted the names she’d called me and how she felt that I mistreated her and took her for granted.

Jake sighed. “Look, Paul, I love you like a brother, and I’ve known you practically my whole life, and I have to tell you she’s right. You treat women like your property; you’re chauvinistic and disrespectful and expect women to run around after you. The world doesn’t work that way. If you want to ever settle down with one woman, you will have to make some serious changes to your thinking. Otherwise, you’ll go from one bad relationship to another and become old and lonely. Women need to feel wanted and important in your list of priorities. It’s not up to them to run around after you. Romance is alive and well; it’s a two-way street, mate. Think about it.”

In my direct line of vision are a young couple sitting on a bench across the lawn. Suddenly, he gets up and kneels before her with a small box in his hands. He’s obviously asking a serious question.

“Oh, how sweet,” I exclaim, and the tears threaten to start afresh, just as Jake’s eyes widen at my reaction.

He shook his head and just smiled. I think I was starting to get a handle on female emotions. Just at that very moment, my phone chirped again. Darn it. I’d intended to turn it off. I thrust it at Jake. 

Grabbing the phone, he turned away from me. “Sorry Sarah, it’s me again. No. Paul has been throwing up all morning. I’m driving him to the doctor now. I think he’s out of action for the day. Yeah... I’ll get him to give you a call later, but I think he’s got a 24-hour bug. Yep, I’ll give him your love…” rolling his eyes, “and I’ll let you know if it’s anything serious.”

“Thanks, Jake.”

“No problems, mate” Jake gives me a sideways glance.

“What am I going to do, Jake? I’ll have to leave town and have a sex change operation to get my male bits back. I don’t know what else I can do.”

Jake shrugs his shoulders. “I dunno, Paul. Life sure threw you a real curveball.”

As we continue walking along the path, we come to a row of shops. “I’m just gonna use the rest-rooms, Jake. Then we can drop into the shops and buy a pair of shoes; my feet are freezing.” Wandering off towards the toilet blocks. Thirty seconds later, I rush outside and catch Jake off guard. “Jesus, Jake, I’ve got my period. How can this be happening to me? My panties are ruined!”

Jake holds his hands up, appealing for calm, whilst inside his head is reeling. “Calm down; we can go into the supermarket, grab some footwear, a new pair of panties and some tampons.” Shaking his head, he can’t believe he is saying all this to his oldest friend.

We rush over to the supermarket, make our purchases and return to the toilet facilities where I enter. When I exit ten minutes later, I’m walking strangely. Jake gives me a questioning look.

“Crikey, Jake, these tampons are so painful to insert. I can barely walk. At least this explains my tears. I never realised that women’s emotions are governed by their hormones. Poor Sarah, all the times I’ve given her heaps for being a blubbering mess when she has her periods. I’ll never do that again.”

Glancing upwards, I’m making a deal with God. If He gets me out of this mess, I swear I will treat all women with respect and dignity. Sarah, in particular, deserves better.

We spend the afternoon in a coffee shop, talking and trying to make sense of everything that’s happened today. There is no sense to it, and we just go round in circles looking for answers that don’t exist. Finally, the sun begins its descent beyond the horizon and we drift back slowly towards the car. We’re soon settled in for the trip across town.

“Can you please call Sarah and make up some kind of excuse why I can’t see her?” Jake eyes me sideways. 

“You want me to make up lies for you? How fair is that?”

“Please…… man, I don’t know what to tell her, and I can’t speak to her with this voice. Maybe I should just text her and break it off.” Looking down, I feel ashamed of the way I’ve treated her. Maybe she’d be better off without me.

“Okay, okay… I’ll tell her you’ve got a head cold, and I’m taking you up to my uncle’s cabin for a few days to recuperate. Do you think she’ll fall for it? She doesn’t know where the cabin is does she?”

“No, she doesn’t know where the cabin is. She doesn’t have a key to my place. So if she doesn’t fall for it she can’t get inside my apartment, even if she does call over. I’ll just be really quiet inside. In fact, I’m exhausted, today has been a nightmare, I think I’ll probably just have an early night and maybe everything will be clearer in the morning.”

Jake nods and continues to drive in silence and before too long we are back at my apartment. “Do you want me to come in?”

“Nah… it’s okay, thanks for everything Jake, I don’t know how I would have gotten through the day without you. You’re a real buddy.”

Jake backs off to his side of the car, afraid I’m going to kiss him or something. I laugh because I can see the funny side of things finally. “Night Jake, thanks again.”

“Night Paul, have a good nights sleep and call me tomorrow if you want me to come over.”

“Okay.”

I slowly extract myself from the car, wave a hand goodbye and fumble with the keys to my apartment. It’s all in darkness but I know my way around, I fumble into the bedroom and drop down on the bed. Kicking off my shoes, pulling off Sarah’s jeans and t-shirt, I fiddle with the bra and give up. Pulling up the covers I immediately fall into the deepest sleep and am soon snoring.

What seems like mere seconds later, the sun is streaming through the bedroom window and there are a bunch of crows squawking outside my bedroom window.

“Shaddup” - I heave a shoe at the window, which fortunately doesn’t break.

My chest feels restricted and I realise I’m wearing one of Sarah’s bras.

“What the fuck…?” As I reached down to scratch my balls. 

Jumping up in the bed, I realise I’m intact. I’m wearing Sarah’s bra and panties… but I have no boobs and my proud little bell-end is standing to attention to greet the day.

“What the… So it was a dream! Jeeze no it was a nightmare!”

I fumble with Sarah’s bra and carefully take it off, find her jeans and t-shirt on the floor and fold them all up neatly so that when I invite her over for dinner later… yes… I’m cooking… her clothes will be waiting for her, if she decides to stay the night. I know instinctively that life is going to be very different from now on. That Sarah, and all women are going to get my respect and my very best behaviour from here on. I smile thinking about what I’ve learnt during my long night of dreaming…

“It was a dream wasn’t it?”