Android Robotson, CPA

   Ever had one of those days when you just regret showing up for work? Lately every day has been like that for me. Just when I was hoping today would be an exception – that I can just get my work done and go home without any crazy incidents – I hear Todd in the next cubicle exclaim “Oh, are you serious!?” before he knocks on the wall separating us and says “Hey, Tom, get a load of this!” Almost instantly I can hear my other coworkers sniggering shamelessly. Reluctantly I hit the “save” button (just in case something bad happens) and I stand up to look out over the top of the cubicle walls. Todd grabs my head – yeah, physically grabs it with both hands – and turns it until my eyes land on Andrew Robertson.

    Andrew is apparently just returning from the bathroom, which is made apparent by the direction from which he is walking but more so from the long strand of toilet paper stuck to his foot, trailing behind him as he heads towards his desk. I just shake my head and sit back down. It’s going to be another one of those days. Then I hear Andrew say, loud enough to be heard by the entire office, “Well, I feel better after that one.” And everyone laughs.

    At lunchtime I find Andrew sitting alone as usual, near the café in the lobby. He has a coffee cup in his hand. Oh, god, I hope it’s empty. “Andrew, may I join you?” Management has given me the task of helping Andrew adjust to the way things are here, help him fit in with the crew. At first, I found the prospect exciting and intriguing, but now I realize all it means is that I always spend lunch breaks trying to explain corporate culture to Andrew, and I’m the first one everyone complains to when he does something wrong or strange. It’s been five weeks already; a normal new hire would have already acclimated to this environment and would be well on their way to success. Honestly what we do here is not very complicated – you can train a monkey to do this job with the proper motivation (by which I mean bananas of course). His work is exemplary, but Andrew still has trouble fitting in.

    Andrew offers the empty seat across from him and I sit. Looking at his face is something I’m still not used to… something in his eyes is just unnerving, but I can’t put my finger on it. Well, I suppose I should just dive right in. “Andrew, about earlier… what were you doing in the bathroom?”

    “Everyone has to use the facilities, Tom, it’s only human.” Only human – how strange to hear that coming from his mouth.

    “No, Andrew, I mean… well… you are unique in that you don’t actually need to use the toilet. So why did you decide to walk around for ten minutes with TP on your foot?”

    “My therapist suggested that if I want to understand human nature, I should make more of an effort to partake in your rituals and customs. I should take a more personal approach to gain first-hand experience and thus become better acquainted with your culture and better accepted by people in general.”

    Actually, that makes some kind of sense. “You’re seeing a therapist? But your brain is hardwired and your thoughts are computed digitally. Wouldn’t it be better to see someone with more technical experience?”

    “Tom, I assure you my maintenance needs are in the hands of qualified professionals. I can see the way people act and behave, but most of it is alien to me because there is very little rationality in what you do. I thought perhaps keeping a dialogue with someone who spent their life studying and adjusting the behaviors of others might help me gain understanding through a different perspective. Doctor Robbins has led a long career of helping people with dissociative disorders to make sense of the world, and I find her insights to be very enlightening.”

    “I’m glad that she’s helping. But you are unique in this world. As the first sentient and independent android, you are not actually human. Nobody will fault you for that. Nobody expects you to act like a human because you are not one. You don’t have to eat, in fact if you tried I expect it would cause some kind of malfunction. You don’t excrete any waste so you don’t need to use the bathroom. You don’t experience the world in the same way we do so you don’t have to react to it the same way. It’s fine to make a few compromises in order to blend in, but you should never be ashamed of who you are or what you are. Be yourself, and don’t be afraid to tell someone they’re being rude if they tease you for it.”

    “I understand, Tom. But was it not funny? All the videos I watched indicate it is funny when one returns from the restroom with toilet paper on their foot. I do not yet fully understand this concept of humor, but I know that people like to laugh. You did not laugh, Tom. Everyone else did. Why was it not funny?”

    “One of the subtleties of humor is the difference between real humor and genuine laughter versus self-deprecation and mean-spirited laughter. They were laughing at you, not with you, because they thought you were ridiculous. I only worry that you might be opening yourself up as a target for people to pick on you. You are different, and as a rule human society will isolate and excise those who are both different and vulnerable. I just don’t want you to appear so vulnerable. If you are going to live among us humans, you have to realize that we are flawed beings capable of doing much harm for no reason at all. As much beauty and wisdom as there is in the world, there is also much darkness and despair. So, I am giving you an assignment for tonight. I want you to do a search on the practice of bullying and tomorrow morning you will report to me rather than going to your regular desk.  I am curious to hear your thoughts on that topic, and I hope it opens your eyes to the unpleasant side of humanity so that you can be better prepared to handle it when it happens to you.”

    “Thank you, Tom, this has been an enlightening discussion.”

    “We humans are born, not built. As we grow up we are trained by parents, teachers, and personal experience about how society works – including its imperfections like cruelty and hatred. For twenty years each of us is gradually acclimated to our environment and the people in it. As an android, you did not have that luxury. The team that built and programmed you wanted you to come off the assembly line with an idealized picture of humanity in your mind. They showed you what a person can potentially be on a good day. Sure, they taught you to talk like a human, walk like a human, even smile like a human. But they failed you as 'parents' because they did not prepare you for the unpleasant side of human society. So now, as your friend and colleague, that duty falls to me. And maybe also to your therapist.”

    “Tom, you just said you are my friend.”

    “Yes, Andrew, I suppose I did.”

    “Thank you, Tom, for being my first friend.” If I did not know Andrew, that smile would look false and forced. Knowing him as I do though, I know that every time he makes an expression it is a conscious decision on his part and he really has no guile or deceit in him. There is a concept known as the "uncanny valley" where a face meant to look human will appear even more unsettling the closer it gets to being accurate. This was definitely the case with Andrew, but I knew that his every expression came from a genuine, if digitally manufactured, emotion or thought.

    “You are welcome, Andrew. Now let me finish my sandwich before break time is over. Unlike someone I know, I actually need to eat in order to stay at peak performance level.”

    “What kind of sandwich is it?”

    I know very well that with his enhanced senses Andrew can tell exactly how much mustard I put on my sandwich this morning even before I take it out of the bag. But rather than say something like “enjoy your salami,” he chose an option that will allow the conversation to continue without showing off his superiority. This was a welcome improvement since the last time we talked like this. Maybe it was something the therapist said, or maybe it was from his own observations, but clearly he is making progress with social niceties at least. Now I am not exactly looking forward to coming in tomorrow, but if his progress continues then someday soon I will be able to loosen my duties as instructor/keeper and not be quite so ashamed of my association with an android on a daily basis. I mean, seriously, he still sharpens his pencils with his bellybutton. Sure, it would be cool to be able to do that… but some things just should not be done in public.