Mittens' Return

To whom it may concern,

I require an immediate refund for the resurrection spell I purchased via mail order on July 17th. Your speedy attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

Glaret Ocula

Mage, Fourth Circle

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Mage Ocula,

We're sorry to hear that you are unhappy with your recent purchase. Can you please provide your order number as well as your reason for returning the item? Note that we can only offer partial refunds on expended spells, and that any magical benefits you have already received will immediately be revoked once your return is processed by the Claims Department.

Zaffola Novoida

Customer Success Representative

SpellzForAll

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Zaffola,

The tone of your last letter disappointed me greatly. I have been a loyal customer of SpellzForAll for several centuries, and I find it highly unlikely that you do not know my name or cannot at least access information regarding my order history. I do not keep records of pointless details like order numbers, and the packaging has long since been used as kindling for important potion work that falls well outside the understanding of a mere "Customer Success" Representative. I used the spell as directed to resurrect my familiar, Mittens (a pure-bred Maine Coon), and the results are beyond unacceptable. His coat is glossy, he is eating appropriate food, he curls up at my feet at night, and I am absolutely livid. Kindly escalate this matter to your superior.

Glaret Ocula

Mage, Fourth Circle

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Mage Ocula,

We're sorry to hear that you are unhappy with your recent purchase. I am Aweros Phaso, Regional Manager, and I have taken some time to personally look into your claim.

According to our records, you purchased Deluxe Resurrection, our top-end resurrection spell. As specified in the mail order catalog:

"Deluxe Resurrection promises to return your deceased loved one, human, animal, or other, to full health within two hours of correct casting. Your loved one will be 'As They Were,' or your money back*!"

In your last letter, you indicated that Mittens' coat is glossy, that he is eating well, and that he is showing affection. Is this not how he behaved before his death?

Aweros Phaso

Regional Manager

SpellzForAll

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Aweros,

Thank you for attending to this. It is reassuring to finally have someone who knows what they're doing looking into my situation.

To answer your question: no not at all! I don't own a Maine Coon so that I can 'snuggle' with him--I own a Maine Coon because panthers are illegal and Mittens was the biggest cat I could get away with. He is supposed to attack on command, leap at a moment's notice, and keep the damn neighbor kids out of my potion cellar. He is supposed to look unkempt and terrifying. He is supposed to eat intruders. Now he mews for attention and curls up on any lap that happens to be available, and I have to deal with Widow Ordism from next door's passive aggressive comments about the ethics of resurrection as well as being swarmed by her brats who think the big kitty is 'cool.' I am well within my rights to resurrect my only companion. Who wouldn't do what I did? Even the police have told Widow Ordism to stop bothering me, although their reasons are more to do with their decreased workload now that Mittens is ENTIRELY USELESS as an agent of death. It took me nearly two hours to write this letter because I kept having to push him off my writing desk. I cannot function under these conditions.

Glaret Ocula

Mage, Fourth Circle

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Mage Ocula,

Thank you for clarifying your situation. What sometimes happens in these cases is that the resurrected loved one returns to the base state they were in the last time they were at full health. We see this most frequently in cases where the death follows a long illness. It is possible that Mittens had been ill for a while, perhaps longer than you realized, and the resurrection spell reset him to a period in time before you trained him to be the terrifying monster that you describe.

Whatever the reason, the Deluxe Resurrection spell did not function as desired, and we would be happy to work with you on finding a solution. A few notes:

1) We are only able to provide partial refunds for spells that have already been expended.

2) Any magical benefits you have already received will immediately be revoked once your return is processed by the Claims Department.

To reiterate, if we process a refund, Mittens will return to a death state. This usually occurs within an hour or two of the claim officially being processed. If you're content with this, we will happily move ahead with the refund.

We look forward to hearing your confirmation.

Aweros Phaso

Regional Manager

SpellzForAll

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Mage Ocula,

It has been nearly seven months since the last letter I sent, so I am just checking in to see whether or not you would still like us to process that partial refund you requested.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Aweros Phaso

Regional Manager

SpellzForAll

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Aweros,

Thank you for checking in. To be perfectly honest, the situation has taken a somewhat unexpected turn and I completely forgot about our correspondence.

Allow me to explain.

Shortly after my last letter, Mittens disappeared. I searched high and low, even debasing myself so far as to put up fliers, but the damn beast was nowhere to be found. A few days later, Widow Ordism stopped by with an apple pie and a defensive countenance and revealed that she had just discovered Mittens living in her basement, maintained, it appeared, by the four tiny terrors she affectionately refers to as 'her children.' Naturally, I demanded the return of Mittens, but Widow Ordism had a counter-proposal--as I no longer wanted the useless lump, and her youngsters had grown somewhat fond of him, why not leave things as they were? Mittens would have a home, and I would be free to find a new beast of destruction.

I agreed, but shortly found that the same feelings of despair that had swept through me after Mittens' death had returned, with somehow even more intensity than before. I took in some new familiars, on a trial basis, but none of them came close to filling Mittens' shoes, not even the baby ice dragon that took me a month to get my hands on. I began watching Widow Ordism's house for signs of Mittens. Then I began to visit, infrequently at first, and then more and more often, and, well. . .

Widow Ordism is now Mrs. Glaret Ocula (Mage, Fourth Circle) and the four terrors are our joint responsibility. At least they sometimes help feed the cat.

In short: No. I will not be needing that refund.

Yours sincerely,

The Ocula Family

Glaret, Nide, Ithiplen, Merinat, Asynti, Wirru and Mittens