Meeting of the PTSF: Pandemic Therapy Support Felines.

Meeting of the PTSF: Pandemic Therapy Support Felines.

"Welcome, and thank you for coming to the first PSTF meeting today to discuss the distressing changes in our humans. I'm glad you could all make it. I was able to send my human away to replace a few things around the house that I peed on. Gratefully she took the dog. Please find a spot to curl up in, and for those of you who don't know me, my name is Fritz.

We're all facing issues with downtime from our charges. They are moody, irritable, and bored. Rather than running around and doing what they used to do, they have now planted themselves at home, staring and talking at a screen all day long and not leaving. Instead, demanding way more of our attention, even more than usual. What happened to the days when they were loyal soldiers who quietly met our demands without much fanfare and left us alone? Instead, they have become, I dare say it, downright needy. My naps aren't nearly as peaceful as they used to be. I am getting sick of their incessant whining and constant petting and interrupting my well-deserved naps. It has also come to my attention that some of our humans have become nocturnal, so there is no peace, and they smell horrible, like old cheese!!

"We are stuck with our people for, I'm sure, longer than it takes to groom ourselves and clean between our toes, picking out every single rogue Cheerio. Most of us have it pretty good except for poor Wheezer over there, whose people brought home a new puppy. Poor thing can't stop twitching. After much deliberation and a few long nights of contemplation, I have come up with ideas on how we can work on their physical and mental health and coexist in ways that benefit both parties.

Humans are getting sluggish and fat. Glued to their glowing screens that demand their constant attention. we must get them off their nonexistent tails. Get them excited. When they have finished staring and talking at screens, don't allow them to gawk at a massive screen in another room, or scroll on the tiny one. We must dissuade them from returning to the same spot on the sofa for hours with bags of kibble.

The first step is to restore their sense of curiosity. Create a playful atmosphere by hiding their possessions. Begin modestly. Hide something they are familiar with, for example, one of those fuzzy things they wear on their paws, and watch while they search for it. don't make it too complicated initially. As they get more comfortable, challenge them with items, they use every day, such as the toy they use to turn on the big screen or their little hand-held screen. Place these items in a more difficult hiding place. Eventually, they will become more confident and be thrilled with a new daily adventure. Don't let it bother you if they talk to you harshly, they'll get over it. Make sure you give them praise by allowing them to pet and cuddle you. As the superior of the species, we can endure a bit of unnecessary enthusiasm.

I see a white paw covered in dirt, and I know it can only belong to one furry friend. "Is that you, Pickles?" "Yes, it’s me, what should I do if I have two humans?" "You will have to work extra hard to keep them entertained."  If there are more miniature humans, you won't need to keep them busy. The little ones are relentless and will do your job for you. Just stay out of their way.

Another idea you might consider is to knock more things over and hide, making a bigger mess. This will either become a great source of entertainment for them, or they will get so frustrated as to leave, giving you a chance to get that well-deserved catnap. If there’s a dog available, then you won’t be blamed. The more activities that you provide, the better chance they will sleep at night, not stalking you for comfort at all hours. If they doze off in the middle of the day try waking them up. Wander around and make a racket until they stir or bat them in the face. Always keep them moving and engaged so they will be tired at the end of the day and drift off to sleep easily. It’s in your best interest to make their lives as engaging as we cats can provide.

Ensure your human is well rewarded with a treat. My human loves it when I capture a little friend to bring home with me. She just shrieks and cries for joy. Nothing cheers her up more than another charming little companion that bobs up and down or squeaks. Just what our human needs to make their lives complete and out of our fur.

Give your person attention. Humans enjoy being kneaded. If you look at the screen behind me, there is a diagram of a male and female human. Kneadable areas are marked with a K, and those we can't touch with an NK. As you can see, very few regions are not game for touching and kneading, such as between the legs and the face. Pretty much everything else is up for grabs. Just don't get carried away. Be careful not to overstimulate your human. This can lead to frustration, so keep an eye on their body language.

Nabokov, a question? "I daresay my human would cease to exist without daily kneading in those places dubbed NK." "Is this frowned upon?" "Hey, nothing is a sin if your person is happy, and I am sure all of you know where the sweet spot is on your humans when it comes to kneading. Good question Nabokov, now get your paws off those kittens.”

As I noted previously, some of our human companions are getting a bit ripe. With their newfound free time stuck indoors all day, it appears that grooming has become a distant afterthought. It is time to be subtle but persuasive when encouraging them to clean up. Position yourself in front of them or in close proximity while grooming. This might provide a clue. However, if they don't catch your drift, give the nasty clothes they’ve been wearing for days a spray or pee, whether they are in them or not. Chances are even higher that they will run off to the bathroom if being spritzed while clothed. and a better chance they will groom themselves with water and soap. Remain with them to ensure they give themselves a thorough scrubbing. Remind them about their grooming session later in the day by rubbing against their legs or flopping down at their feet, purring away, and making eye contact. Now that they have started caring for their own hygiene, they will likely continue doing so every day.

 "Fritz, the humans, have a dog. I doubt he would approve of my meddling in our people's routine. He is very protective and a bit of a control freak. He doesn't seem to notice the smells emanating from the humans." "Excellent point Garfield." "If the dog won't work with you to help keep the people motivated, clean, and in line, it is your job. What do you expect from an animal that thinks it’s okay to eat the poop out of your litter box?" Remember, we are much more gifted than our dog companions." You couldn't hitch eight cats to a snow sled." "Do we have any more questions?"

I'd like to close by expressing my immense gratitude that so many of you sauntered in today. I am purring with joy that you could make it to my impromptu event. It means so much that you came from all over the neighborhood and hopefully enjoyed the company of your fellow kitties. A big meow to Bea, who provided homemade treats. We have a grueling job ahead of us, but a happy human makes a happy kitty, and a happy kitty is all that matters."