The last fiddler crab

Contains strong language.

There are a few things you should know about fiddler crabs: They have filthy mouths, and they don’t play the violin. But most of all, they love to fight.

They fight all the time. A fiddler crab is notorious for behaving aggressively toward male members of its community. In fact, every male crab wants to show the strength of his big claw and make some trash talk with other crabs. They probably have a legitimate reason to fight that much. They cut each other's claws and eyeballs, and kick each other in the balls for the usual reasons such as food, territory and females. Needless to say, because of the numerous fights that occur during a fiddler crab's short existence, you can easily spot disfigured and dismembered crabs, which provides additional opportunities for crabs to trash talk each other, inevitably leading to more fights.

One Eye Joe, the fiddler crab, has a somber and solemn temperament. Some describe him as grumpy. But, truly, this beach makes you grumpy in every way it can. For instance, today's One Eye Joe awoke as usual, almost drowning in the day's first high tide. He only has enough time to get out of his burrow before stumbling into a piece of blue rubbish obstructing his path to the dry sand.

-Oh, fuck me! Another piece of this blue shit on my door! Who’s the asshole putting this filth everywhere?!

Of course, it was Almost Nom, his neighbor, newly molted, who simply decided to push the trash toward One eye Joe’s burrows while cleaning his treshhold, with no regard to his neighbor.As fiddler crabs mature, they shed their shells. But because of their delicate shells, newly molted crabs are extremely vulnerable. Avoiding touch and hiding until the new shell solidifies is the wisest thing to do. The reason for this is that in a potentially dangerous environment such as a beach, things can go wrong at any time. But, no matter what molting state you're in, when you're an asshole by nature, you can't help but trash talk.

-What is it, motherfucker? Said Almost Nom. You want to fight? Come at me, I bet you can’t even see me with that lonly eye of yours!

Before he could finally place a foot on the dry sand, Joe had to remove two more of these blue things that were obstructing his burrow's entryway.

- I don’t have time for your shit today bastard! Responded Joe. Otherwise, I would give you a taste of my big claw, asshole with almost no shell!

In fact, One eye Joe had a more pressing problem to deal with today. His burrow happened to be in a spot where sea water lingers longer whenever the tide went out. This means he’s not able to clean his tunnels or hide if a threat arises. So he planned today to investigate a location a little closer to the coconut tree, a location that was a little higher than his actual burrow.

He had walked less than ten sidewalks when a sudden growing shadow over his head caught his one eye.

BAM ! A ripe coconut landed just an inch from his head. He was saved from the tragedy thanks to the desperate but spectacular jump he made. Unfortunately, after jumping, One eye Joe landed on his back, and now he was stuck with ridiculously spready feet.

He hadn't walked more than few steps when his one eye was drawn to a looming shadow above his head. BANG! A ripe coconut landed just an inch from his head. Thanks to his desperate yet magnificent leap, he was saved from catastrophe. Unfortunately, One eye Joe landed on his back after jumping, leaving him with ridiculously spread-out feet.

-Fuck you, coconut tree! FUCK YOU ! What a shitty day! How am I supposed to go do my business now? Oh, no! Shit ! Sh-

One eye Joe could not finish his complaint because a seagull appeared out of nowhere, caught him in his beak, and flew away. He was in the jaws of a seabird, flying to God only knows where.

-FUCK YOU BIRD! Put me down, bastard! I’m going to cut your balls if you don’t put me down! 

Of course, the seagull couldn’t respond to One eye Joe because his beak was full of crab. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can outrage a fiddler crab more than silence treatement while trash talk is going on. Now he was shrieking and using his enormous claw to pinch the bird's eye.

-Fuck you asshole! Put me down! You big-bellied motherfucker with flat feet!

When Joe mentioned the seagull feet, he had touched a highly sensitive string with one eye. But that's an other story. The seagull growled furiously. One eye Joe was instantly spat at by the bird.

The bird screamed angirly as One eye Joe, by some luck, fell on a palm and slid smoothly onto the shore, right where the coconut had fallen a few minutes before, without a scratch. A large lump of bird shit splattered over his head as soon as he got to his feet. Joe grumbled angrily. From above, he could hear a seagull laughing.

-ASSHOLE ! He shouted at the bird and waved his claw around, attempting to remove the shit from his one eyeball.

At that very moment, a bunch of femal crabs were coming from the bushes and walking toward the shore.

Dimple is coming! Oh shit, she can’t see me now! One eye Joe starts panicking and looking for a spot to hide, unsuccessfuly. She immediately approached him when she noticed him waving. See, in the fiddler crab world, female fiddler crabs choose their mates depending on the size of their claws as well as the quality of their waving display. More importantly, the size of a male's main claw is related to the width of the tunnel, and the length of the burrow, which determines incubation temperature. This implies that on the male side, brawls and trash talk are legends, while on the female side, vehement criticism is expected. Things that only make sense in the world of the fiddler crab.

-Hi One Eye Joe, were you waving to catch my eye?

-Oh... Umm hi Dimple...

-How is your claw today?

Dimple was eyeing One eye Joe’s big claw from side to side.

- As usual, One eye Joe responded. Shiny and magnificent, and larger than the majority of other crabs. (That wasn't entirely accurate, but who said crabs couldn't brag?)

-And how big is your burrow this days ?

With a searching gaze, Dimple took a look at the entrance of One eye Joe's burrow.

-Big enough and deep enough.

-It appears to me that your burrow is flooded, and you're crawling over rubbish. One eye Joe, what's that on your head?

-Umm… just a piece of shit. I was going about my business when a coconut nearly landed on my head, and then I got into a fight with a nasty bird.

-Oh, good for you. It gives your flat and lonely eyeball some color! She burst out laughing and joined her friends.

This Dimple is a treasure. A big mouth and a lot of trash talk. One eye Joe continued his walk to the coconut tree, thinking to himself, I kinda like her.

When he finally got at his destination and began examining the area around the tree, he heard a strange noise. Under the bushes, a five-headed creature arises out of nowhere. A split second later, another one arrives, identical to the first. They locked their gazes on One-Eyed Joe, who seemed hesitant. These five-headed monsters lack the claws of crabs, the beaks of seagulls, and appear to be exceedingly quiet. One eye Joe isn't a coward, but he's definitly not foolish enough to battle something he doesn't recognize.

-HEY! What are you looking at? Take a step back, motherfuckers!

The pair of five-headed monsters are now approaching Joe in a menacing manner.

-Fuck! They touched me! Shit! Shit! Back off, monsters! 

One eye Joe jumped on one of them and pinched one of his five heads without thinking.

-Take that clawless head!

BANG! In half a second, One eye Joe found himself flying in the air, again, and slammed against a rock near his own burrow.

- Good tide One Eye Joe, said Stingy Tongue Ozz, another fiddler crab who was doing his morning stretch. One inch, and you’ll be dead meat by now!

- Go fuck yourself, Asshole! One eye Joe responded angrily while giving him an obscene claw and mumbling curses and filthy words. That was close! What a shitty day ! I should warn them about the five-headed monsters, he said to himself while trying to catch his breath.

But Almost Nom, who was watching from the other side of the rock, has other plans. He grabbed a sand ball and tossed it at One eye Joe's head.

-Take that Joe! You think yourself better than to trash talk back to me and fight me ha?!

- I think you do that enough for the both of us, asshole!

-Or maybe that one eye of yours makes you half a crab than the rest of us?

Tension swelled and pulsed between the two crabs like a living thing.

Stingy tongue Ozz senses it and knew what will follow.

One thing Fiddler crabs love besides fighting is, well, watching other crabs fight.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" He yelled loudly enough for the other crabs to hear him and begin gathering.

"Fight! Fight!" Joined the crowd.

Stingy tongue Ozz jumped onto the rock to have a better view of the battle for the other crabs and to make a comment.

"Who will win in this epic combat of phenomenal proportions? "

Almost Nom made the first move. He threw another big sand ball on his opponent's side.

One eye Joe shuffles away from it, but now he is pissed.

-I am sick of your shit motherfucker ! One Eye joe runs into his opponent to give him a reverse chinlock. Nom’s face smooshed in the sand. 

-Eat the sand, motherfucker! Eat it! 

"Eat the sand! Eat the sand!" The crowd yelled.

Almost Nom immediately backed off, while One Eye Joe laughed his ass off. 

"The smug, cocky bastard". 

He then went for a nasty grab, holding Almost Nom in one clawhold and slamming him to the ground ferociously.

"Almost succeeded in eluding Joe's grasp, but he gets too excited and rolled to crash into the rock! What a moron! What an idiot! Big dumm ass. He's now tripping over his coccyx. He's now doing a slick slide. BAM! Face to Face with Joe! One Eye Joe tumbles in a fucking incredible roll, and lands on his back, claws flailing in the air! What a fight!"

" We saw your butthole! We saw your butthole!" Now the crowd is going crazy. They are all shooting and cheering, jostling and jockeying to try to get a better look at whatever was heppening between the two crabs.

"It's been generations since we've witnessed such spectacular battles!" Almost Nom has picked up a large pebble and is on his way to end One eye Joe while the crowd is still shouting and trash talking to the fallen opponent.

"But, the slipery asshole fights for his freedom once more. One eye Joe jumps back on his feet in an unbelievable Rolly-Polly-flip-flap move and avoids the falling peeble in the blink of an eye."

"This fight is way beyond legendary! Here we go again. Another backbreaker hug."

"Oooh! Joe slaps Nom's naked head with a jumpy slap. Then there was another jolting slap. Almost Nom attempted to duck but failed and was slapped across the face. He got dizzy and strumbled a few steps back."

"Hold your dicks, Nom is coming back! He’s holding something in his claws... What the hell? Is it a stick? He heads to One Eye Joe to poke him with the stick and flip the bastard on his back again. What a dick move!"

"But One eye Joe is not an easy meal. He slips from Almost Nom hold. He jumped on his opponent in a smooth, precise and elegant move. What a prouesse! To keep Almost Nom from pinching, One eye Joe uses a waist grip and slide the stick into his opponent's claw. What a legend this One Eye Joe! The opponents are now locked in a big hug, each one looking to end this fight fast."

-Do you know why they call me One eye Joe, little bastard?

- No and I don’t give a shit! Mumbled Almost Nom while choked in One eye Joe’s grip.

- I cut my own eye so I don't have to see assholes like you. Take one last look to my big claw!

BAM !

"Oh Shit ! One eye Joe slashes Nom’s eyeball in one fluid motion! I am shivering!"

The crowd can’t hold itself. Almost Nom immediately begins screaming, yelling, and jumping all over the place.

One Eye Joe is done and is heading back to his burrow.

"The fight is over. The winner is, without doubt, One eye Joe and… What is happening? Almost Nom is not done yet. He took another peeble and threw it when Joe’s back was turned. "

-What the fuck? Joe shrieked, outraged beyond belief. I wasn't even looking at you, asshole with no friends! You are a disgrace to this sport!

One eye Joe runs into Almost Nom and grabs him in a viscious hug.

- You were almost but now you are nothing! Return to the darkness ! One Eye Joe screamed in rage as he chopped Almost Nom's second eyeball.

"Fuck me all night long! This is not how it was supposed to end. Dear Almost Nom, you have a long list of regrets, and this fight will be the most memorable one! What a traumatic day we are witnessing today!"

The crowd is torn between applauding for this epic battle and mourning Almost Nom's loss.

"This is beyond shit! I am speechless! "

While still reeling from the horror of the slaughter, Stingy tongue Ozz noticed a strange glint coming from the bushes.

-Oh shit, there's a five-headed monster! And there's another one! They've formed an army and are marching for the shore! Oh fuck, FUCK!

-Run for your life! Everyone screamed. 

The crowd, which had just witnessed a beautiful fight, is now terrified and scrambling around in a tangle. One eye Joe isn't about to give up in the face of the monsters this time. He's had enough of fleeing and being forced back by obstacles today. He then chooses to confront the first monster that comes close to him. With his claws in the air, he leaps onto the monster's largest head and plants his lethal weapon there.

-FOR THE BURROW ! He screamed.

Next thing he knew, he was flying in the air, again !

The last thing he saw before the five-headed monsters swarmed the shore were the rest of the crabs rushing around in complete panic.

When One eye Joe came to his senses, he found himself in the bushes, far from the beach.

-Oh Fuck me ! what a shitty day ! 

Finding his way back was a struggle for One Eye Joe. No one knows how much time it took him. Perhaps a few hours, perhaps a few days. When he arrived at the beach and saw the rock next to his burrow, he was taken aback. Despite the low tide, the beach was deserted and there were no crabs to be found.

- What happened to everyone? One Eye Joe puzzled.

He was too exhausted to look into it. He went straight to his burrow and slept for a long period, at least two tides. As the following tide began to recede, One Eye Joe emerged from his burrow and took another look around. The stillness was the same. He jumped onto the top of the rock and took in his surroundings.There was not a single sand ball in sight, which means there was no crab active.

One Eye Joe was now contemplating as he gazed out at the horizon.

- I'm the last Fiddler crab on this beach… The.last.fucking.fiddler.crab !