RESOLVED RESOLUTION

To be completely, utterly clear, I do not believe in omens. But not accomplishing the same resolution for seven long arse years would not mean a good one. I always try to lose weight, to not eat sweets for a year. Oh, did I not mention? I’m fat. Like, 130 kg fat. No clothes can fit me so strictly speaking, I had to improvise with multiple garments sewed together roughly. In fact, going to the gym, speaking to my psychiatrist, even torture could not part me from my sweets and candy. Yeah, I have a serious sugar addiction. Because of my sugar addiction and caffeine love,  my teeth are always stained yellow and brown. The ones that are not stained simply fell out a few years ago, or quite recently. Where are my manners? I’m Wade Walter and I am 19 years old. You know, I never used to give a damn about my size. I was fine with the locals calling me “Wide Wade Walter.” However, my family started treating me differently. Like I was disgusting. Repulsive. So i made it my goal to lose weight. This was a typical conversation.

My mom. “How much weight did you lose at the gym?”

Me.”Everything comes slowly, mom”

My mom happily  “Thank god, you finally lost weight! The old you was so fat, but now you have finally made the right choice!”

Me “Truth be told mom…”

My mom frostily “How much weight did you gain?”

Me. “3 pounds”

My mom. “WHAT IN THE WORLD? NOW WAIT JUST ONE GOD DAMN MINUTE - ”

So you probably now know that my little “preference” has landed me in a lot of trouble. But I literally went berserk when I came SO close to achieving my goal. Do you know when you want to achieve something but you get second? Yeah, I felt like that. But even worse. I’m going to take you through a long journey of the time I NEARLY accomplished my new year’s resolution. Let’s go.

So this was like a year ago, cause I’m telling this infuriating, exasperating, vexing problem from the new year 2021. As far as anyone in the world could tell, 2020 had most definitely been a fiasco with COVID, quarantine and other stupid shenanigans. We had our annual family reunion and my whole family came to my house to celebrate. I restocked on my favourite chips because

          1)For my family to eat and 

          2)I wanted to eat them to celebrate the new year.                                                               It all started on the eve of New Year and the family had to make a resolution. (My 9 year old nephew said his resolution was not to be so angry all the time. When his sister laughed, he punched her in the face, ironically.) I decided not to be obese anymore so that was my goal. After that fateful day, I went home and immediately gave away my junk food. Chips, ice cream, even my beloved cherished sweets were sent to their doom. I was so depressed but I knew I had to achieve my goal. Over the next few months, I lost enough weight so I could stop my diet but I had to not have junk food for a year. I started getting skinnier and skinnier, like those ads for gyms. I had to buy new clothes nearly every fortnight as I lost so much damn weight. So fast forward a few months and I am a day away from the new year. I lost about 40 kilos and my family was going to celebrate new year. 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR! I immediately went to a store cupboard and started eating my favourite chips. My diet was over! But my older sister told her children to go to sleep and told the other adults to get out the wine. I was confused. She then said that it was only 10 and she wanted the kid as to feel what it was like at New Years. 2 hours. 2 hours until new year and i lost my achievement. “WHAT!” So as you now know, i was so pissed. Who the hell would do that to me? It was torture. So close, yet so far. That was when I just lost it and started throwing and destroying everything in sight. My cupboards and tables were thrown everywhere. I became a psycho. A very Enraged and dangerous psycho. You know, my diet seemed to give me more strength. A very costly power up. THe rest of my family started screaming and running away. I didn’t care as i was so mad not being able to complete my goal. Someone called the police and as they arrived, I started to calm down a bit, but they still had to drag me away kicking and shouting out an extremely wide variety of my favourite cuss words like someone would hum their favourite tune. Anyways,I had to pay a one hundred dollar fine for swearing at a figure of authority. After coughing up the money, I headed to my destroyed home. It was new year. “My new year resolution is now… TO GAIN MY WEIGHT BACK!!” You probably know how well that went. It went well. Yay. So it was quite easy as I spent the rest of my money one junk food that later was consumed into the eternal void of darkness, my stomach. You know, a resolution is easier if you do the opposite one. However, my various sugar intakes caused diabetes and obesity. I was sent to the hospital, which is the place I telling this story. I told my doctor this story and said “I wanna eat more when i grow older!” He shook his head sadly and regarded me with sad eyes. “You won’t grow up, son.” BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEP. The last thing I saw was the doctor and everything went black. (Authors note: it’s a pretty depressing ending but yeah, he died. Poor thing)