Overheard at the Bar

Happy? Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? I have a perfect life. Maybe the ideal of the average Gen-X man in America. I can grow a beard in a week, my voice is low and commanding with real confidence and authority behind it, guys wanna be me and girls wanna do me. I’m a Lumberjack by trade, and I guess most people think that’s pretty impressive.

Can I get a beer?

I live in a cabin on 20 acres of land. I have four boys who all inherited my impressive height, hairline, and headstrong attitude. I can build or fix anything around the house or that drives on a road. I own my own business working outdoors, but part-time, I’m a firefighter for my community. I have a fleet of trucks and toys; I know how to run a bobcat and I ride my motorcycle in the summers. I have a faithful woman who loves to make my dinners and puts out every night.

Had. I HAD a woman. She’s not talking to me right now, she’s a little crabby about something dumb I said. Ever since she took me back for the second, or was it the third time, she’s been all sensitive about the name I called her when I was black-out drunk. But that ain’t my fault, I can’t be held accountable for the stuff I say if I can't remember it. Maybe she’s just pissed cause we had to cancel our summer ride-out trip again.

Still thirsty, can I grab another one?

But that ain’t my fault either. The dumbass cops were just bored and looking for something to do. I wasn’t even that drunk, I’ve definitely driven worse before. I was right at my property line when they pulled me over, I shoulda just kept going, coulda outrun ‘em in the woods. But the DUI judgment just came down and now I can’t ride next summer. Maybe she was PMSing about that, I don’t remember.

But that reminds me, I gotta figure out my trucks with this stupid alcohol ignition interlock or whatever it’s called that they’re making me get. They said none of the shops around here will put it in a diesel, so I gotta figure out how I’m gonna pull the chipper and trail the stump grinder, or else I can’t work this summer.

Shit, that was quick, grab me one more.

Not sure I can work anyways. The heart attack last year kept me out of the trees. They said they don’t see many heart attacks that bad at 40, but shit if I haven’t lived hard. I been smoking since I was 12, and drinking since around the same time, I guess it’s all catching up now. They said I should quit, but the meds they put me on should give me a few more years to do what I want. I mean, they made me gain too much weight to fit my climbing belt, but I ain’t about to change who I am just ‘cause some know-it-all doc said so. Fuck it, I’ll buy a new belt and climb anyways.

That’s if I can afford one, I guess. I can’t really take another summer as light on work as I did. Last year, the meds made my hangover recovery way longer than it used to be in my 20s. I had to pass on a $10K job cause my head was pounding so bad for a week. The bank just called again about my loan, and the guys were pretty pissed to be out of work, but they don’t get it. They’re still young, a couple of ‘em got sober and they’re boring dumbfucks now, anyway.

Some of us can handle a beer, gimme another one.

Besides, I’ll make it back at the casino. They owe me a free room from all the points I got, and the only reason I didn’t win last time was some old bitch took my game. I won $6K the summer before on that machine, and only lost a chunk of it last year. Or I dunno, I guess with the points I earned, I’ve spent around, what, like, $20K or so? Whatever, it don’t matter.

If I don't get it there, at least I still got one more chance with the fire department. I told 'em how I can’t drive the water tanker now cause their insurance would jump to high with the DUI, but they’re gonna let me ride bitch and keep going. That’s if I start showing up for meetings, I guess. They said my attendance gave me a bad year last year, but that’s bullshit, too. They better pay me or I’m gonna go off on the Chief at the next meeting. They’re gonna hear about it worse than that time they said my bitch ex-wife couldn’t bring my kids to the cookout a few years ago ‘cause of the fight we had at the one the year before.

Fuck, talking about the ex, can’t do that without a beer in my hand, am I right?

But that’s a whole other thing. That cunt won’t let me see my boys. Just cause she told the cops I broke into her house. She was keeping my tools, I had a right to be in there. And I was only locked out cause she made all these fake-ass claims of abuse to get a bullshit OFP approved. Now my boys think I’m some alcoholic loser, but they don’t fucking know, she brainwashed 'em against me.. 

They say they don’t wanna come to the cabin cause I won’t fix it for well and septic. I ain’t seen any of my boys in a year or more. Bunch of pussies act like they didn’t used-ta come up here every summer just fine. Now I gotta do some fix-it shit to make it, quote unquote livable, but fuck that. If I’m stuck at home, I ain’t working, that’s drinkin’ time. 

Speaking of drinkin’ time, I’m dry, get me another.

Besides, I got other shit to do on the property. The pit is full of deadwood, the boat got raided by a family of raccoons, my snowmobile needs a new engine, and the ATV needs brakes. I swear, there’s a raincloud over me because bad shit just keeps happening for no reason.

So that’s it. I’d be living the dream if only my girl weren’t so sensitive, those cops didn’t target me, my meds didn’t make my hangovers so bad, my Chief wouldn’t be such an asshole, that bitch didn’t take my machine at the casino, and my cunt of an ex-wife would just fucking die so my boys would stop hating me.

I have a perfect life. Just gimme one last beer while I figure out why I’m not completely happy.