The Frilled-Neck King

“Eddy, why are you gripping my hand so hard?”

“You’re so freaking slow, dude! The event is about to start in 3 minutes!”

“Okay, that doesn’t explain why you’re gripping my hand so hard.”

As Eddy yet again tightens his hold, I could feel my wrists slowly transition from excruciating pain to insensible numbness.

I’d alert my dear, dear stepbrother that he is cutting off the circulation to my arms, but I don’t want to spoil his...Excitement.

“What makes this convention so great, anyway?” I ask for the fifteenth time. He still hasn’t given me a straight answer, by the way. Just shocked looks, as if I'm somehow supposed to be well-educated on a topic I didn’t even know existed.

“You’re about to find out,” He yells back, yanking me through the bundle of enthusiasts.

This is madness. All I can make out from the crowd’s blur are fans running to and fro as if they are being chased by velociraptors. I try my best to observe my surroundings, still unimpressed but somewhat intrigued. I catch a chipper fellow with a safari hat dancing around with a tiny animal cage on my right. I spot a patch of polka-dotted faux grass velcroed to the ground on my left. After that brief yet telling inspection, I draw the same conclusion: This is madness.

Eddy turns around with an expression as bright as a little girl surrounded by ponies.

My expression was quite the opposite.

“Come on, Henry. What’s with the face?” He inquires as he proceeds to haul me towards the auditorium, passing multiple chattering fans with crates and safari get-ups. “Most people never get to witness something this awesome. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for you.”

I sigh as I endure a turbulent beating from a multitude of shoulders. 

“Yeah, you don’t have to remind me.” 

A sudden and weird sensation tickles my cheeks. I make the grave mistake of turning around as my face becomes buried in the neck-frills of an extravagant costume.

“Would you like to...Tag along with me?” The oddball in the suit leans in, merely an inch away from giving me a very unsolicited Eskimo kiss.

“N-no thanks...” I mumble. The guy lets out a cartoonish giggle before mischievously nudging my shoulder.

“Tag! You're it!” The tail whisks from behind the costume and pops my personal space bubble. I gag and spit dramatically as the paper-mache invaded my mouth.

In horror, I silently watch as the abomination giggles again before skittering away.

“Why am I here. Why am I here.” I whisper on a loop, spitting out remnants of the costume between each repetition. 

But Eddy pays me no mind. He somehow knows why he’s here. I’ve already questioned it several times, but it only leads to a plethora of more questions.

Like, a truckload.

As we finally make it to our destination, the sight that stands before us leaves Eddy’s jaw plummeting to the ground. 

“Uh...Eddy? You good?” I genuinely worry for my stepbrother’s well-being. “You seem a little--”

“Shh. Don’t speak.”

Eddy’s eyes swell with tears as he marvels at the glistening patch of grass laying flat on the stage. The multi-colored spotlights concentrate on the microphone stand, which is excessively decorated with orange spots and ruffles that spiraled to its head.

“This is going to be my year.” He whispers. “This time, I’ll be the one to stand on that stage. I could almost taste the victory.” He then pokes his tongue out and slurps the air like a popsicle, as one does.

“Thank you for joining us.” A smiley usher provides us with stickers displaying a polka-dotted design with the abbreviation "FLTC."

“Enjoy the event.” She winks playfully. 

I took a good glance at Eddy, and...Yep. He’s smitten.

Of course, he is. He’ll never find another girl with the same interests. Ever.

After shaking out of his brief trance, to my surprise, Eddy winks back.

Rather than it seeming like a flirtatious gesture, it looks as if his contacts folded into his eyelid, and he’s desperately trying to gain back his eyesight.

Despite this, the girl’s cheeks flush as her eyelashes flutter to the ground.

Nope. This love story ends here.

“Someone please wake me from this nightmare,” I murmur from behind them. 

Ed shoots me a glance of disapproval, throws the usher one last longing look, and saunters into the auditorium.

A few minutes of the hustle and bustle pass, and I almost begin to relax before fanfare rumbles through the speakers and springs me upright. Eddy’s hands begin to shake as he whips his head towards me ecstatically. All I can conjure up is a mere raise of the eyebrows and a knee-jerk smile in response. 

Let’s just get this over with so I can go home, stare at the ceiling and wonder why I push my limits to please this dude.

“Good evening, ladies and gents!” A man with a similar suit as the wacko from earlier howls into the mic. 

People scream. People pump their fists. People cry. 

Of course, Eddy does all three.

“Are you reeeaaaddy?” 

“Yes sir!” The crowd exclaims. 

“Then let’s! Get! To it!” 

An army of ushers bust through the door and demands everyone stand on a polka-dotted ex--one of many that were evenly distributed throughout the ground.

I hesitate, not willing to comply with the instructions given to me by this outlandish gathering.

“Stand on the polka-dotted ex!” An usher absolutely demolishes my eardrums with his command.

I throw my hands up in defeat as I shuffle my feet to the location instructed.

The ushers then bolt out of the auditorium as quickly as they came.

Huh...That was strange.

Suddenly, I hear a rumbling from above me. I slowly raise my head as giant barriers tumble from the ceiling. 

Wait--giant barriers are tumbling from the ceiling?

Why?!

My fight-or-flight reflexes activate as my body ripples in tremors.

“Uh...Ed-Eddy?” I look towards him in unease.

Yet a Pennywise-Esque smile is all I receive before a wall crashed its way between us.

“Gah--”

“This is it! The moment you’ve all been waiting for!” The announcer hyped.

“May the Fifth Annual Frilled-Neck Lizard Tag Convention...Commence!”

...What? What do you mean “let it commence?”

You mean to tell me the absurd costumes, incoherent screams, and petting zoos...Was all a part of the pre-event?

I then hear a roar of scampering feet and electrified shrieks submerge the building as irritatingly zippy jungle music worms its way into my suffering ears. Frantically, I twist around until I find a path that most likely led to an exit. 

That’s it. I’m done. I'm so sorry Eddy, but my tolerance has officially been breached. This could very well be a cult initiation disguised as a “Frilled-Neck Lizard Tag Convention,” and this is my chance to clock out.

I pick up my legs in haste as I make my way down the path before hitting a dead-end. 

What? That can’t be right. 

Maybe it’s that way? Shaking my head in disarray, I sprint down the alternate path, hoping to find a way out of this fever dream. Yet lo and behold, it’s another dead-end. I stand there, staring at the green wall as the event’s name finally began to connect the floating dots in my brain.

“Frilled-Neck Lizard…” I thought aloud. “...Tag convention.”

As I mutter those last two words, I hear a pitter-patter behind me. I slowly rotate my body to meet the fate that awaited.

My throat releases a sound I didn’t even know it could as I channel my inner Usain Bolt. I throw my head behind me, terrorized by the blurry sight of a lizard with its frilled-neck extended, chasing me on its hind legs.

The dude looked like the Geico gecko if I told him I didn’t want to save fifteen percent more on car insurance. It was horrifying. It’s bad enough that we already live in the monster-infested freak show that is Australia. But people actually provoke these things...As a hobby? For fun?

As I continued to zig-zag my way through the maze, I catch the faces of those who dash past. Everyone upholds exhilarated smiles as the stampede of mini Godzillas pursue after them. Some roles are even switched as people raise their hands and run after the lizards. 

Wait...That’s it. 

That’s my way out of here.

All I have to do is conquer my fears and take these lil’ beasts head-on. Once I scare them off and my nerves subside, I’ll just waltz around until I find the exit. 

Yeah. That’s the game plan. 

I abruptly halt in my tracks, my sneakers skidding on the ground like worn-out tires. Inhaling deeply, I unleash a war cry mighty enough to briefly silence the entire auditorium. 

This is my moment of truth. I whip around and aggressively beat my chest, prompting the lizard to scuttle away. 

Oh no. I’m not letting you go so easily. Not after the torment you’ve caused. 

So there I go, darting after the terrified fella as it skips its tiny toes from dead-end to dead-end. I begin to lose breath as the lizard proceeds to sprightly maneuver through the maze. 

That thing was faster than I thought. I don’t even know how it didn’t catch me. However, I wasn’t giving up. I outstretch my hands, finally ready to take hold of this nightmare. 

“Henry!” A familiar voice calls from a distance. I’d answer, but I’m too deep into the chase to get distracted.

Yep. That’s right. I’m actually invested in this. 

I need to catch that lizard.

“Henry!” Eddy cries out again, this time with more urgency. 

“You’re gonna do it! You’re going to win!”

Heck yeah, I am. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I let a 3-foot creature kick my butt.

“You’re going to live my dream...Make the moment count!”

Huh? What’s he saying now? What a confusing guy.

But I can’t focus on decoding his language this time.

The lizard is beginning to trudge. It’s tired.

This is it. Game over.

As my fingertips draw closer and closer to it’s orange, scaly back, my entire body flies out of a string of beads hanging from a pathway, hurtling to the ground. As I wearily look up, my hands brush against the ruffles that encircled the lizard’s throat.

“...Tag.” I breathe out before flopping my face to the floor. 

A wave of nothingness overcame my surroundings. No sound. No sight. Just...Nothing. It was almost as if the entire convention got sucked into a black hole and spiraled into oblivion.

It was that easy, huh. The only thing I had to do was tag the lizard, and everything would come to an end.

The eerie silence fully convinced me that this was all a wild dream, and if I just pinched myself, I’ll finally be able to--

“We-We have a winner!”

No...Stop screaming. Please...I just want some peace and quiet. 

I feel a sudden, freezing rush rain from my hair. A breeze brushes against my hot cheeks. I pick up my head and watch with my mouth agape as some ushers fan my face, others holding open bottles of ice-cold water.

“Come on. You’re okay, buddy. It’s over now.” I feel my body being clumsily hoisted off the ground. No...Put me back down. I want to sleep…

They guided me to the auditorium, eagerly propelling me onto the stage.

“Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention!” The announcer grabs the mic and embraces my shoulder.

“We have our first attendee to beat the Fifth Annual Frilled-Neck Lizard Tag Convention Maze!”

...What? 

I beat the maze? 

Before everyone? 

Even Eddy--the self-proclaimed “Number one Frilled-Neck Lizard Tag enthusiast?”

Slowly, the green walls ascended from the floor, revealing an array of bright-eyed fanatics and evil-eyed reptiles.

“Please meet this year's Frilled-Neck King--I’m sorry, what was your name?” 

I blankly stare at the stage as my trembling hands took hold of the mic.

“H-Henry. Henry Dillard.” I barely muster up the strength to mutter.

Nevertheless, the crowd hears, and the crowd goes wild.

Woah. I surely wasn’t expecting that. 

Huh. Maybe I should be proud of this.

I enhance my posture, puffing out my chest like a pompous WWE wrestler. I scan the room to find the one who brought me here. 

There stands Eddy, his hands folded to his chest as he wore the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face, his eyes glimmering with tears. 

He’s happy for me. This is something he wanted for himself, but that eccentric, wacky son-of-a-gun is happy for me. 

“So, Henry,” The announcer tightens his grip on my shoulder. 

Ow. Is that a thing Frilled-Neck Lizard Tag fans do? Squeeze the life out of people?

“Y-yeah?” I stammer, trying to repress the pain of my crushed shoulder. 

“How many years have you attended the FLTC?”

I pause, contemplating whether I should throw out a random number so I don’t just look like a lucky rookie. 

But wait...That’s precisely what I am. I should own it. Eddy is proud of me nonetheless, so why should it matter?

“...Zero. This is my first time attending.” 

Gasps trickled throughout the crowd. I recoil, waiting to hear a couple of insults hurl my way. However, everyone starts to clap.

“Wow!”

“That’s impressive!”

“Welcome to the group!”

Confidence swells within me as I receive the accolades from below.

These might be the weirdest bundle of humans I’ve ever been in a room with.

But...They aren’t the worst, I guess.

“Well, first-timer...I say we waste no more time,” The announcer finally releases his death-grip off my shoulder and throws out his arms. “Bring in the crown!” 

The same female usher Eddy fawned over is now presenting the crown to the audience as a jubilant tune blasts through the speakers. She slowly raises her hand to place the accessory of honor on my head until a sudden wave of guilt surges through my body.

What? Why am I feeling this way?

I deserve this, right?

Eddy’s animated face pops in my head as his words linger.

This is going to be my year. 

This time, I’ll be the one to stand on that stage. I could almost taste the victory.

You’re going to live my dream...Make the moment count!

I get it now.

This isn’t my dream. 

No. Not even close. 

Besides, it wouldn’t be fair for me to be hailed by the same people I judged so harshly.

I know what I have to do now.

“Wait!” I cry.

The fanfare cuts short as the cheering quells. I shakily grab the mic once again.

“I think this crown belongs to someone else.”

Confused murmurs disperse throughout.

“But it belongs to him!”

“He beat the maze, didn’t he?”

“Who would refuse the Frilled-Neck Crown?”

I take a long heave before clearing my throat.

“Respectfully, as a Frilled-Neck Lizard Tag rookie, I don’t think I deserve this.” I tenderly face my little stepbrother--my best friend. “He was right behind me towards the finish line. If it weren’t for my stubborn determination to leave this place, he would’ve been the one.”

Ed’s eyes unleash a flood of tears.

“Eddy Dillard, the number one Frilled-Neck Lizard Tag enthusiast...Get up here and take your crown!” 

Sobbing, Eddy dashes up the stage with his hand covering his face.

“Your highness,” I bow deeply towards the newly-crowned Frilled-Neck King. Eddy chuckles and smacks my back in response. 

Unnamed usher lady gracefully places the crown on Eddy, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before winking and walking back down the stairs. The announcer then hands him a polka-dotted frilled scepter. With glee, Eddy seizes the scepter, hurling his fists in the air with hoots and hollers.

Don’t get too carried away now, buddy. I’m the one who actually won, remember?

The announcer turns around again, grabbing yet another object to present to The King. Dang, maybe I would’ve kept my title if I knew I would be showered with gifts. 

I lean over to peer at Ed’s sincerely delighted face. 

Nah, I think I made the right decision. 

At least we can both leave with satisfaction--for Eddy because of his fulfilled dream, and for me because I finally get to go home.

When Ed flings off the box’s veil, under it reveals a cage carrying a Frilled-Neck Lizard.

Oh no.

He’s going to bring that thing back home.

That little Godzilla is going to chase me down the halls forever.

Looks like I’ll never wake from this nightmare after all.