Soul sisters

We held hands that night, lying in bed together and crying. Both of us felt it. We felt each other’s heartache, heartache so intense it felt like we were dying. Dying there in that bed together, but also birthing something newer and better. 

Once upon a time we were laughing together and consumed by our then romantic relationships. Fortunately for us, the men were best friends just like we were. It couldn’t have been more perfect! Except, it wasn’t. 

What made us swoon slowly became the stuff

of nightmares. I woke up from mine, but you just weren’t ready yet. He left you still feeling exhilarated, but I could see behind the mask. I could feel the coldness. I could see the marks he left. You couldn’t see them, but your body betrayed you. 

As I proceeded to travel on beside your dimming light, I met another soulmate. He was different. I was sure of it. He readily-filled the lonely places, and he dazzled me with new light. The same light you were experiencing, but yours smelled like gas. I came to realize that mine did too.

Time went on, and our happy times together were less and less. My recollection was an unraveling so fast it made my head spin. The distance between us grew larger and larger until we stood on either side of an abyss. We couldn’t see each other anymore. I couldn’t risk falling in to save you, and you couldn’t even risk throwing me a frayed rope. 

Eventually we parted. I think I knew it had to happen, but the pain—oh my god—the pain was so intense. I missed you with every fiber of my being. I thought about you every single day. I was in anguish knowing you were being deceived and hurt in ways I didn’t want to imagine, ways that I saw sometimes reflected back in my own mirror.

As time passed, I threw myself into my new relationship. He knew just what to say. He encouraged the distancing with you. In fact, he encouraged the distancing with anyone close to me. He controlled my every movement, which I saw as him being my Savior, my protector. I couldn’t see what was going on, even as I obsessed over why you couldn’t see it in your own relationship. 

I heard of your grandmother’s passing: the nurturer of your childhood. I was filled with dread for you and your already dismal

state of mind. Of course I had your number memorized, so I texted you a cryptic message of my condolences. You didn’t know my number and questioned, but I knew you knew it was me. I should’ve thought it through though: it probably caused you trouble at home. The thought now makes me cringe. 

My own journey was a struggle and I found myself wading through a murky swamp of despair, lonely and sad to my core. I often thought about how you would’ve helped me pull myself out of the dirty water. You were once a life preserver to me, but now you were hanging on for your own life. My soul hurt.

Then one day I felt your return. You reached out. Your pain so palpable, I could taste it. Your bruises so visible, they hurt my eyes. His evil so intense, I feared for your life. Your desperation heartbreaking, but your courage mounting.

Your story unfolded into my lap. You finally got away. You did your best, and your best was good enough. You made it through to the other side, only to hit another wall. He couldn’t let you go without a fight.

The fear you felt, I felt. I finally had my best friend back, but would I be able to hold onto you? Your life was in constant turmoil, and you didn’t know if this day would be your last. We both looked over our shoulders together. I was right beside you.

Your fight now became my fight. I watched as you endured endless battles with the devil himself. I watched myself turn into a protective momma bear as we fought against a system that doesn’t hold water for battered women. It brought us both to our knees.

Day after day brought on new attacks against your life. I witnessed them alongside you. Even then, you listened to me and started to question whether your biggest supporter wasn’t in a battle for her own life. You gave me what was left in you to help me fight as well, knowing I had to come full circle

just as you had.

Our friendship was rekindled. It was like the old days, like no time had passed. You sang at my wedding and held my new baby in your arms. Ours was a story of friendship renewed and refreshed.

Unfortunately, you also watched as my devil emotionally impaired me for what may be the rest of my life. You watched as I sank into a depression so deep, you were sure it swallowed me whole. The rope. You threw it this time, but I couldn’t quite grasp it.

My Big Bang came with a betrayal that shook my core. All that was left was a shell. I didn’t have visible bruises, but you helped dress them just the same. You helped me find the

girl you always saw with YOUR eyes. She was just as courageous as you had been. We felt each other so deeply, it went without saying that we were the best of friends.

As we soothed each other in the dark that night, crying and laughing, I realized that we were more than just those two girls who met in college. Long days ahead lied in wait for me as I came full circle; longer nights for you reliving your hell in your dreams. We were warriors, fighting life’s battles together, each one a soldier who would carry the other one on her back out of the trenches if necessary. 

And when I told you it was me on the phone, you said you knew it was me all along. You felt it. You felt it like you would if I was your sister. Soul sisters.

Written for my real life soul sister—Sabrina.