When All We Have Left Are Memories

When we broke up

I wish I didn’t remember so much about that day. Caleb and I were fighting. It was raining. He had an umbrella and I didn’t. I refused to stand under his no matter how much he asked. He thought it was because I was being stubborn. Too contrary for my own good, he would say. He was wrong. Standing in the rain made it easier to mask the tears. I’ll never admit it though.

“Tell me you love me,” I said. “Tell me you need me. Tell me anything that’ll keep me from walking away from you right now.” I didn’t want much. I just needed to hear that I meant something to him, that he needed me as much as I needed him.

He scratched the beard that had begun to grow on his chin. I wondered when he had last shaved. There were bags under his eyes. It had probably been a long time since he slept. He had a lot he was up against-- leading the Immortal Enforcement agency, dealing with Mage-Familiar relations. This conversation wasn’t making his life any easier.

Making his life easy was never a part of my job. Be there for him and love him. That’s what I was supposed to do, but that’s hard when it feels like he doesn’t even care. “Caleb!” I yelled. “Say something.”

His eyes were stony when he looked at me. The cool, practiced glare of someone who was used to being in control and didn’t like being told what to do. “Athena, I don’t love you,” he said, with the same tone as if he was giving me directions. “I don’t need you. I don’t care what you do. Leave. Stay. That’s up to you.”

I was thankful for the rain. He would never know how much I cried that day. How much he broke me. I nodded, wiped the not tears from my face and said, “Okay.” Then, I walked away from him and never looked back.

***

When we first met

“Athena Kincaid?”

At the sound of my name, I looked up from the book I was reading. The heavy-set, brown-skinned man looking down at me was bald with sharp features. His aura screamed intimidating until he smiled widely at me.

“Hi, I’m Agent Darius Langston.” He held out his hand to me. “I’ll be showing you around.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said as I shook his hand. I stowed my book in my bag and followed him.

He pointed this way and that highlighting all of the important places. On the surface, it looked like an ordinary office building with mentions of break rooms and water coolers. It was when Darius brought me to the vault which was right across the hall from the armory, I knew this was no ordinary building.

“You’ll be assigned a weapon and will have to go through mandatory testing every three months to keep your qualifications up to date. That shouldn’t be a problem for you with your scores. Confiscated artifacts go in the vault,” he pointed to the steel door on our left. “Talia will set you up with a memory code so you can get in and out.” I had learned about memory codes in training and they’re a fascinating security failsafe. It’s more than remembering a four digit pin number. A unique code is implanted into the memory cortex of the brain, so no one, not even the agent knows what that particular number is. The only way to access it is via the proprietary brain scans stationed outside the vault door. It would take an act of God for an outside person to find their way inside.

“Caleb, just in time," Darius said. "Come meet our new recruit.”

I turned as Caleb Emerson came walking down the hall towards us. I’ll probably always remember this moment that seemed to move in slow motion. He had chocolate brown skin, a strong jawline that could slice butter and a smile that could disarm a bomb. When he shook my hand, time didn’t just slow down. It stopped.

“You must be Athena,” he said, shaking my hand. “The woman that took my spot as top scorer.”

This news shook me out of my reverie. I knew my scores were impressive. As hard as I trained, they better be. I didn’t know I got the top score though. I intentionally missed the day when the rankings went up. “What do you mean I took your spot?” I asked.

“Before you, Caleb had the highest scores across the board on the qualifying exams,” Darius answered. “And can I just say, on behalf of everyone here, thank you for dethroning him. Maybe he’ll stop bringing it up every chance he gets.”

Caleb punched Darius lightly on the shoulder. “It’s not my fault you barely passed.”

“That’s because you messed up the curve, Mr. Overachiever,” Darius said, punching him right back.

“And if I hadn’t, my dad would have never let me hear the end of it.”

“Speaking of, he’s been looking for you. Told me to send you his way if I saw you.”

Caleb nodded. “Thanks for the heads up.” Then he looked from Darius to me. “You never saw me.”

Darius shook his head. “I've never met you before in my life."

“I don’t even know who you are,” was my reply

Caleb chuckled at that. “You catch on quick,” he said. “One of these days, let’s have a rematch. Give me a chance to earn my spot back.”

I shrugged. “I already took the spot once. Wouldn’t taking it again be overkill?”

Caleb laughed out loud, throwing his head back. “You’ve got a bite to you. We’ll get along fine.” Then, Caleb left with a wave behind his shoulder. I watched him go until he disappeared around a corner. I should’ve followed him.

I turned back to find Darius looking at me. “Friendly piece of advice,” he began. “You’re both consenting adults, so you will do what consenting adults are allowed to do, but you might want to be careful with that one. He’s set to inherit the keys to the kingdom.” When Darius saw my confused expression, he continued. “Caleb’s the director’s son and with his scores and seniority, he’s going to take over once his dad steps down. They say it’s lonely at the top for a reason. He won’t be in the right headspace for a relationship once he becomes director. Before you go starting anything, keep that in mind.”

I was warned. That’s the funny thing about it. I knew upfront it was a bad idea. I went in forewarned and still, I was foolish enough to fall.

***

5 years after When we broke up

Time moves differently for immortals. Five years goes by as quickly as a blink of an eye. In the years after our breakup though, time was not on my side. Minutes passed at a glacial pace and each of them were filled with memories of him.

I left the IEA and moved to the human realm. I thought the farther I could get from him, the better it’d be. There were realms between us and it still wasn’t far enough.

I got a job at an elementary school right after I came here. Surprisingly enough, wrangling a classroom full of kids was not that far off from keeping a team of agents in line. Sure it required more patience and calm tones, but the concepts were pretty much the same.

After work, I visited Honey Bea’s bakery which was two blocks away from the school. It was run by this older man named Leonard who named the place after his great-grandmother, Beatrice. The walls were striped yellow and white and it always smelled like something freshly baked regardless of the time of the day.

“Lenny, sweets!” I said when I entered, the bell above the door tinkling. “How’s it going?”

Lenny turned to me. His white beard matched his apron front which was completely covered in flour. “All good here,” he said, smiling ear to ear. He gestured to the display case in front of him. “The croissants just came out of the oven. Wasn’t sure if you were coming today, so I put a couple to the side for you.”

“Oh, Len. Keep it up and you’re going to have marry me.”

He laughed as melodiously as the bell above the door. “Show me a ring and then we’ll talk.”

I paid for my croissants. I always made sure to give Lenny a little bit extra since he’d been so nice to me in all of the years I’ve been here. Outside, a sweet breeze kissed my cheeks. It was a surprisingly temperate day for a Maryland August and for once every table out front wasn’t taken, so I decided to eat outside.

A moment after I sat down, a woman sat in the chair across from me. She looked younger than me, but she carried herself with a maturity that suggested she was much older than she appeared. She’d been following me since I left work, but I was probably not supposed to have noticed.

“What can I help you with?” I asked, handing her one of the croissants I just brought. Her eyes clearly showed how surprised she was to be getting anything.

“Emer Athena, apologies for approaching you without any notice.”

I rolled my eyes at the title used for retired agents. “Please drop the title. Just call me Athena. And you are?”

“Agent Vera Kelsey. It’s an honor to meet you.”

“And what can I help you with, Agent Kelsey?”

“There’s been an incident,” She began. “Director Emerson has been injured. And um…” She was new to this, the delivering of bad news in a way that was respectful and softened.

I had no patience for such handholding. “I don’t like to be handled,” I said, interrupting her. “Just tell me straight. What happened?”

Zora Knight happened. She was a scientist that specialized in metabiology-- it’s basically the study of superhumans and other enhanced beings like immortals. Zora didn’t just study them. She was obsessed with them. She wanted to figure out the secret of immortality and she went about it in some unsavory ways. It was after our last fight with her that I knew I couldn’t work with the agency anymore. In her, I had seen the darkest depths of a person’s psyche. The depravity was unnerving. Though we’d all like to think we’d lead the charge to protect the world from people like her, when it comes to down to it, we’re all cowards and we’d much rather leave the charging to someone else.

I had told Caleb I wanted to leave. I had hoped he would have asked me to stay. I might’ve stayed if he asked.

Apparently in the years since our last fight, Zora had figured out the secret of immortality and with that knowledge, she knew how to take it away. Even though, he should’ve been in his corner office, safe and free from harm, Caleb was there. He didn’t get the worse of the blast, but he was injured all the same. Two agents had already died. One agent was in critical condition, but they didn’t think she’d make it through the night. It was unclear how much time Caleb had left.

“He told me to give you something after he died.” Vera opened her bag and pulled out an envelope. “I’ll probably be on paperwork duty for a year for disobeying a direct order by giving this to you now, but I thought you should know before it’s too late.”

She handed me the envelope. It was thicker than I expected. I opened it and there were pages of lined paper inside filled with Caleb’s handwriting.

“What is this?” My voice was thick with grief that was threatening to bubble over.

“He wouldn’t tell me what it was. All he said was to deliver it to you when he died.”

I stared at the papers in my hand. Five years. It’s been five years. Not enough time and not nearly enough distance for me to forget about him. And this was how he chose to say goodbye. This letter was all I meant to him. No. No way! Whatever he had to say to me, he’ll have to say it to my face. “Where is he?” I put the long-forgotten croissants in my bag and stood up.

“I’m really sorry, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Vera stumbled.

“Please!” I begged, the sound foreign to my ears, but no less sincere. “It can’t end like this. Please don’t let this be the last memory I have of him. Please?”

She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment and then said, “He’s at McKinley Memorial. I hope you’re not too upset by what you find.”

***

5 years and 2 hours after When we broke up.

I was just outside of Caleb’s hospital room when I heard angry, hushed voices coming from inside.

“You’re a goddamn fool.” I instantly recognized the voice as Darius’s.

“Darius, bro,” Caleb said, his voice weak. “Your bedside manner is atrocious.”

“Why haven’t you called Athena? Has anyone told her what happened?”

“She doesn’t care about me.” I heard Caleb say. “If she did, she wouldn’t have left.”

“She left because you said you didn’t love her which we both know was a bold faced lie,” Darius’s voice was close to screaming. “I get it. You were doing what you thought you needed to in order to protect her. You knew that fight with Zora shook her. You knew she wanted to leave, but one word from you and she would’ve stayed. So you pushed her away.”

“Darius…” There was what sounded like a tinge of regret in Caleb’s voice, but I had to have been hearing things.

“You should’ve went after her! And now, you’ve run out of time. And you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.”

“Lucky for me, I don’t have much longer.”

“Looks like that sunny personality of yours hasn’t changed.” Without giving it much thought, I opened the door and walked in.

Darius eyes lit up when he saw me. “Athena! Oh, thank God.” He pulled me into a hug. The familiar scent of his aftershave mixed with cologne was like an old friend welcoming me home.  

“It’s good to see you, Darius,” I said. Then, I forced myself to look at Caleb. I was glad to have been warned by Vera, so I had time to mentally prepare myself. Caleb’s chin sported a full beard, but that bomb-disarming smile was nowhere to be seen. His face and frame were gaunt, a far cry from the muscular frame from before. There was no telling how much more time he had. “You mind giving us a minute?" I asked Darius.

“Take all the time you need,” he said. “I tried to smack some sense into him, but you know how stubborn he is.” Darius left quickly, leaving Caleb and I alone.

Once Darius was gone, Caleb wasted no time. “What are you doing here?”

I took the envelope from my bag and dropped it at his feet. “I deserve a better goodbye than this. All those years and a letter is all I get? You could’ve at least called.”

“Did you read it?”

I shook my head. “I want you to tell me yourself. Whatever you have to tell me, I want to hear you say it. That’s what you owe me.”

He nodded, not putting up a fight or trying to draw out the argument. “Memories. Years together and that’s all we have left. I’m sorry about that. I should’ve never let you go. I should’ve told you I loved you. I…um," He swallowed. I could see the tears begin to well up in his eyes. "I...I said it a lot better in the letter, so I hope you do eventually read it. But basically it boils down to the fact that I love you and I do need you and I care about you more than you will ever know.”

This time, I didn’t have the rain to hide my tears and I didn’t want to hide them. “I love you, too, Caleb," I said. “I’ll always love you. No matter what happens, we’ll always have those memories. Even if memories are all we have left, that’s more than enough for me.”