Alarming

Megan jerked awake to the blast of the house alarm. It didn’t stop. She turned to her husband, Cameron. She couldn’t believe he lay snoozing when she felt her head about to explode.

“Cam! Wake up! Fix this!”

She rolled him back and forth until he stirred.

“What?”

“The alarm! Burglar! I can’t stand it! Why is it shrieking?!”

Uncomprehending, he peered through the gloom.

“It’s three a.m.…!”

“Cam! Don’t you hear it?”

“What? Maybe… I don’t know… Be quiet. Let me listen.”

“Are you crazy? It’s screaming. Is there a burglar?”

“Oh, that… I’ll look. What’s the password?”

He rolled from the bed and staggered out.

Megan called, “Be careful!”

Cameron went to the smart hub. The keypad lights flashed ominously.

He cocked his head. ‘That’s the alarm…? I thought it was in my head.’

He addressed the smart hub. “Shut off alarm… Be quiet… Shut up!” The alarm continued. ‘What if it can’t hear me over the alarm?’

He found the override controller and punched buttons for the code. The sound continued. ‘Is it louder?’

This was uncharted territory. They’d moved into their, ‘smart’ home barely a week before. The realtor said simple voice commands do it all. They were told the whole house, the appliances, the lights, everything was ‘smart.’ Connected directly to the internet, the house ran flawlessly on its own.

So much for that. ‘A switch would have been smart…’

The panel continued flashing. He looked at the variety of symbols on the panel. No solutions were offered. He methodically pushed random combinations of buttons. Nothing stopped the deafening sound and flashing.

Cameron recalled the realtor’s spiel at the open house. She gushed over the features.

“It’s more than 50,000 skills strong. It’ll do anything!”

‘Except shut up,’ he thought.

She continued. “Check your day’s meetings, watch YouTube, or set the smart thermostat. Perform all these functions hands-free. The Smart Display is fully voice-controlled.”

‘Freedom to twiddle my thumbs,’ he thought.

“Treat it as a gateway or bridge for your home. Command it to turn smart lights on, off, or dim. Display feeds from smart home cameras.

‘Surveillance with a smile…’

Megan asked if it would laugh at Cameron’s jokes. The realtor didn’t get it.

How could they walk away from this futuristic paradise? They’d made an offer that day. And moved in a month later.

The smart hub’s 3-inch neo-nadium woofer and dual tweeters had intrigued Cameron. Now, staring at the flashing control panel, and gritting his teeth, he couldn’t care less. He wanted silence.

He checked the doors and windows. All was secure. Peering out, nothing seemed amiss.

Megan came up behind him. She shouted, “What’s happening?”

Startled, he whirled about. “Meg! No need to shout.”

With hands to her ears, she looked like the Edvard Munch painting. Only scarier.

“I can’t hear myself think. Can’t you stop it?”

“Voice command and code don’t work. No break-in… We’re secure… Must be a short. Calling the alarm company.” He stopped. “What a doofus…” he mumbled. ‘Of course! Check the phone app.’

Cameron grabbed it off his nightstand. He located the app and touched it.

A message appeared, ‘To install, step 1 - hold the control button…’

“Are you kidding? To install?” He stopped himself from throwing the phone through the wall. He called the security company. Cameron pressed zero to bypass the robotic menu of numbers for department access. Faint elevator music came from the phone.

Megan ran around the house screaming with her ears covered.

Cameron held the phone up. “Megan! You’re not helping.”

Still screaming, she ran into the bedroom and shut the door.

A security technician picked up. “Hello?”

“Hi! Can you hear me? My alarm won’t go off. Tried everything. Head’s set to explode.”

“I can hear you fine. No need to shout. What department would you like? Has there been a break in?”

“No. Something triggered it. We can’t sleep.”

The tech suggested several strategies. Cameron tried each. None worked.

“Did that work?”

“No! Can’t you tell? I can’t stand it.”

“Funny… I don’t hear it.”

“You can’t? I can’t hear anything else.”

“Do you have tinnitus? Some people call and…”

“No! I know about tinnitus. This ain’t it. Let me talk to a tech…”

Insipid elevator music barely cut through the din. A voice spoke. Cameron explained the problem.

Sympathy flowing, the tech asked, “Can you imitate it?”

Cameron did his best rendition of the ear-splitting alarm.

“Doesn’t sound like one of ours. Try again…”

Cameron found Megan and pointed at the phone. “He wants us to imitate the alarm. Can you…?”

She immediately went into a sustained shriek, approximating the alarm pretty well. Cameron joined in adding a little bass to the mix. They ran out of breath and stopped.

The tech said, “Yeah… that’s good. But… I don’t know. No matches. Good harmony though… You sure it’s our unit?”

Cameron fumed. “Of course! I’m looking at the info on the unit. Give me your super.”

“Please hold.”

More elevator music. Cameron considered disconnecting. But they’d come this far. The alarm showed no signs of quitting.

Another voice. “Hello? This is Father Girard…”

“Father? You’re a priest?”

“Yes. Your alarm troubles you?”

“I never heard of a moonlighting priest before.”

“It’s not exactly moonlighting. And I promise not to upsell… How may I help you?”

Once again, Cameron described their plight.

When Cameron finished, Father Girard said, “Awaken.”

Cameron rolled his eyes. “Are you nuts? I’m awake already. Freakin’ alarm woke me. Can’t shut it off.”

“Yes. But not ‘woke.’ This ‘awaken’ signifies the spiritual plain. Opening your eyes to Creation.”

Cameron sighed. “I’m just trying to shut the alarm, man. And you’re telling me to wake up?”

“We almost never get responses to this. People rarely hear this call. Sadly, few are beckoned to a deeper understanding. Unity with the cosmos… you know… Am I at all clear?”

“As in… whaddya call it? Enlightenment?”

“Yes! You’re in the ballpark. At least in the upper stands…”

“Great. Whatever… So how do we shut it off?”

“Look on your remote unit for a button, toward the bottom, with an archaic symbol… in old books it was called a ‘dagger.’”

Cameron examined the unit. He thought he’d pushed every button, at least once. His eyes lit up.

“Wait. I never saw that one.”

“No one sees it until they need it.”

“A pointy upright with a horizontal line across the top?”

“Near the top. Yes.”

“Now what?”

“Press it three times in quick succession.”

Cameron did so. The alarm stopped. A warm silence enveloped the couple.

Megan fell to her knees and raised her hands in thanks. “Hallelujah!”

They became bathed in light that came from everywhere and nowhere. Transported with joy, they clasped hands. She stood. As if floating, they gracefully danced to music only they could hear.

Father Girard’s voice called from the phone. Megan continued her turns through the room.

Cameron said, “Yes? Sorry. The alarm stopped, and we forgot all about you…”

“Quite alright. It happens. May help you with anything else?”

“No. We’re great now. Perfect, actually. Can’t thank you enough!”

“Very glad to help. But if you’re satisfied, may I ask you for a good report on the survey they’ll send? All tens are much appreciated.”

“Of course! Happy to tell them you saved us!”

“I’m happy to guide you. But, in truth, it wasn’t me. I’m merely a servant. Good night then.”

Cameron set the phone down. He and Megan resumed dancing. Laughing and twirling, they floated into the bedroom.

Dawn’s light shone through the windows.