But I don't like making speeches

“But I don’t like giving speeches. I get so worried that I will say the wrong things, and people will get offended. At the very best, I would bore them silly, put them asleep.”

“I know, Charlie, but this event is honouring your work at the company, and a speech is expected. Otherwise you will be insulting the people that came to the event. And you know how sensitive the boss, the great Mr. Brooks and his family are. They would use the lack of speech as being directed at them personally, and insult you behind your back..”

“You are right dear. I will have to give a speech whether I like it or not.. You are going to have to help me with it, and I am going to have to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse to get it right. I know how bloody insensitive to others and sensitive concerning their own feelings that Mr. Brooks and his family are at the same time.”

First Rehearsal

“Okay, here goes.”

“Greetings, my beloved colleagues, and greetings to you too, Mr. Brooks and family.”

“Stop right there Charlie! You are saying that your colleagues are ‘beloved”, but that Mr. Brooks and his family are not. That is the truth, but it is not something that you should say. People don’t necessarily want the truth in a speech.”

Second Rehearsal

“Here I go again.

“I have worked hard for his company for the 40 years that I have been here. You out there, you know what that is like. We all work hard here, no matter what Mr. Brooks thinks and says.”

“Stop, right there Charlie. You just insulted your boss there. You know how sensitive and snotty he is. Why don’t you say something like. ‘And our boss, Mr. Brooks, is the hardest worker of all. Even if it is a lie, which I know that it is..”

“How about I just say, ‘including our boss, Mr. Brooks’?”

“Sure, that would work.”

Third Rehearsal

“Charlie, this time you need to make your speech more interesting. Add a little humour to it, so people won’t fall asleep when you are talking.”

“Okay, how does this sound?”

 “One of the things that I really liked about working at this place is all the laughs that we had. There are so many funny stories that come to mind. I’m sure that all of you will remember when the boss’s son Herbert came to work here. Remember all the foolish mistakes that he made in the simplest jobs in his first days at work. Remember the time when he…

“Charlie, stop right there. What are you thinking? Even if he was tragically stupid and only got the job because he was Mr. Brooks son, you can’t make mention that of that. People will laugh, and the boss will remember who said it”

“Okay, you’re right. I really don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted to make people laugh.”

Fourth Rehearsal

“And then there is the food in the cafeteria. We have little choice but to go there, as there are no restaurants within a close walk, and we only have a half an hour lunch break. Hands up everyone who brings a lunch to work, and only uses the cafeteria as a place to eat it.”

“Charlie, you have to cut that bit out too!”

“Why my love? I didn’t even mention Mr. Brooks, or put him down.”

“Charlie, my dear, don’t you remember that the ‘cook’ at the cafeteria is Mr. Brooks’ sister Clara, who dropped out of the cookery course at college.”

Fifth Rehearsal

“We who have worked here over the years feel that there is a kind of family spirit to working here, not just the Brooks’ family, no, but everyone who is employed here, works hard and cares about their workmates.”

“Charlie, that’s another shot at the Brooks family. You have to cut that attitude out. If you want to make Mr. Brooks feel good, after saying “working here” look meaningfully at Mr. Brooks. In other words, tell a lie with your eyes.”

“Tell a lie with my eyes?”

“Yes, lie with your eyes. This is not as bad as lying with your words.”

“So it will be done. Eyes do your best.”

Sixth Rehearsal

“When I was first hired here, I was unsure of myself, wondering whether I could succeed and keep my job. I felt like there were people in high places who were watching me, waiting for me to make mistakes. When I mentioned that to my colleague and soon to be good friend Bob, he said that he felt that way too, and had for some time. He told me that a lot of people felt that way, so I didn’t have to worry. When I found that to be true, I began to feel comfortable here, a regular guy at this place.”

“Charlie, I can’t believe that you did it again. Who do you think the person in the highest place was at that time? Remember it was the first Mr. Brooks, father of your current boss. He will take this as a shot at his dad.”

“Damn, I thought that this would be safe. But you are probably right. I’ll have to delete that from my speech.”

Highlights of the Speech

“Greetings, my beloved colleagues, and that includes you too, Mr. Brooks and family, despite what people say. One of the things that I really liked about working at this place is all the laughs that we had. There are so many funny stories that come to mind. I’m sure that all of you can remember a certain person who made some pretty foolish mistakes even with the simplest jobs when he began working here. He certainly wasn’t hired because of his ability.

           Then there is the cafeteria. This place would not be the same if the cafeteria were any different. It is part of life here, even when we have to bring our food there..

           We who have worked here over the years feel that there is a kind of family spirit to working here. [At this point Charlie looks for the boss, and then looks straight at him with a rather intense and somewhat worrying stare.]

           When I was first hired here, I was unsure of myself, wondering whether I could succeed and keep my job. When I mentioned that to my colleague and soon to be good friend Bob, he said that he felt that way too, and had for some time. He told me that a lot of people felt that way, so I didn’t have to worry. When I found that to be true, I began to feel comfortable here, a regular guy at this place.

           When Charlie bowed giving an end to his speech he was met with standing applause, including a few claps from Mr. Brooks.

           With the microphone still on, a smiling Charlie spoke with words that were not part of his carefully planned and monitored speech. “And to think that both my wife and I thought that I was going to say something that would insult the boss, but we took the nasty insulting bits out of my speech.”

           These words were met with shock and silence.