A Love Lost

Candles light, waves crashing against the side of rocks that sat hundred’s of feet below A condo that had once been filled with love and laughter that now reeked of pain and desperation. A desperation to get back what he knew was essentially his everything. As the sun set in the distance on a blissful June evening when you can close your eyes and feel the sun go down by the sounds of the bugs, the freshness of the air that only can be felt when you can look up and see straight to the stars. As He looks off into the distance he's floored with thoughts... "What if I mess this up again". Was a question he couldn't stop thinking about. But he knew that to get back everything he lost he was going to have to risk everything he still has. Because he knew the alternative to not taking the risk would be too admitting defeat before even trying. And to know him means you know giving up on something (especially someone) who he loved this much could and never would be an option. 

Growing up he was the youngest of 9 boys. His parents were well respected hard working people, But even with two decent paying jobs 9 growing boys tend to make your paycheck disappear quicker then water on the sidewalk on a HOT summer day in NY. So hand me downs became an every year ritual to him. He promised him self that he would never complain because even at a young age he knew that this was just the cards he was dealt but that this would not stay the cards he was dealt. He knew he was destined to be great, and he told his self that when that day comes he would buy everything From the cars to the houses to the chains... He wanted it ALL. Because to have these materialistic things meant that all those days when he had to wear an off white shirt because it had been worn by 9 other boys previously all was worth it. To have these materialistic things meant that the problems he once faced he never would have to face again.

He even thought that at one point this fancy house, and everything that came with this materialistic lifestyle would suffice any person. But once you find your happiness in someone, the materialist stuff become hurtles in your way that feel as though you'll never be able to get past. And the cold hard truth is all these hurtles were red flags screaming in his face every time he watched a tear run down her face as he made up another excuse to go be around people that could never truly love him the way she could. See this women saw past his flaws, saw past the cars the nice houses, she saw right into his soul. She knew these were all a cover up to the young boy who thought these things meant love. And to have lots of it meant that you would feel love unconditionally. But this women loved him for him. The guy who snored at night, the guy who couldn't leave the house every morning without making sure she heard him say the words "I love you". To her all the flaws he came with made him perfect. And to love someone so much that they’re flaws made them even more beautiful is something you can only truly feel when you have really seen a person flaws at their worst.  

Unfortunately in this process of working toward a goal he told his self as a kid he would accomplish and stop at nothing to achieve. Somewhere on that journey he lost his self and became such a product of his work that his home life felt more like a weekend stay or a getaway from reality that felt as a distraction to his dreams. But when you dreams become bigger than your own happiness at what point is sacrificing it all too much? When do you know when the risk is worth the reward or is not? To some it may be plenty but when you have seen it all does the success equal happiness or does the dream being accomplish equal it? Questions that he obsessed over so much it cost him his happiness, his everything, his wife. The women that literally knew him better than any person in this world. She completed his sentences, gave him butterflies every time she said “ I love you babe” and essentially always felt as the missing puzzle piece to completing his world. And he knew to get her back he was going to have to lay it all out there… because when you’re on the edge of a cliff and the fall is the loss of a love that completes you all you want to do is jump in hope you can beat it down to break its fall. 

 Just as he was about to slip away into these thoughts he heard *BANG**BANG**BANG*... He had one of those nice doorbells that could record you the second you pressed the button so it caught him off guard to hear a knock, especially one so loud. He walked over to the door and looked out the peep hole but nobody was there. As he opened the door and took a step out to look around he noticed a letter on the ground. As he bent over to pick it up he realized there was no name on it. Just a blank white envelope that had not even been sealed, just tucked into the back of the envelop. As if someone had just got done using it. When he peeled back the flap a picture fell out. It was a picture of His wife and his self on their wedding night as they were walking away from the alter after they had just said there "I do's". A smile from ear to ear appeared on his face but as he took out the note that was behind the picture he caught a glimpse of the first sentence.. It read; " I will always love you but I just can't do this again..."