Further From The Truth: excerpt

3:41am

Further from the truth, She hadn’t expected things to end so gravely. It’d only been a few months, yet the pain of it would sometimes strike Her so viciously it was as though She were still there, stuck in it, unable to escape. Breathing slowly, trying to calm Her quaking hands, She spoke in a low murmur. It was inaudible, but She was alone, so it really didn’t make a difference.

“Speak up, won’t you? I can’t understand what you’re saying.” slowly, She raised Her gaze from Her hands, silky black hair falling from Her face.

She hadn’t expected this, but found that She wasn’t all too surprised by it either. It wasn’t the first time, and She faired a guess that it wouldn’t be the last. Nonetheless, She’d not meant to be intruded upon at this moment.

“Nothing.” She mumbled, only slightly more audible than She had been speaking.

“Oh get over yourself.” It wasn't said harshly. In fact, it was spoken quite kind, but She didn’t like it.

“Why?” She asked. “Haven't I the right to feel...”

“Feelings have no right or wrong, but eventually you have to accept the reality of the situation and figure out what your next move is.”

The interruption irritated Her slightly, but She spoke nothing of it. A weightless silence fell over them and neither of them spoke, as if fearful that speaking would bring the weight of the situation back down upon them.

*****

5:26am

“So am I to presume that you were there when it all went down?” The silence was broken, but the weight of the situation hadn’t really left anyways.

“When all what went down?” She asked.

“Oh don’t play dumb.” Again, it wasn’t said harshly, but there was almost a sense of urgency. “You know of what I speak.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes, I was there.” She wasn’t giving more than directly demanded of Her.

“And?” She didn’t oblige the bait, remaining unspoken.

“I must confess that your hesitation to speak on the matter, as inconvenient as I find it, is also rather intriguing.” She nodded. “Will you humor me and tolerate a few of my questions?”

“I feel I’ve been rather tolerant of your questions already.” She replied.

“You don’t seem very keen to answer them though.”

“Tolerance is not keen.” She replied simply.

“Others where there, where there not?”

“Speaking of the others,” She inclined Her head slightly, “have they been keenly tolerant of your questions?”

“That, I'm afraid, is none of which concerns you.” The small, knowing smile irritated Her and She returned it with a scowl.

“Well,” She said slowly, “I’m afraid that what I have to say is none of which concerns you.”

“You’ve not said much.”

“Precisely.”

“If it doesn’t concern me, then who does it concern?”

“I am not at liberty to say.” She said, almost smirking, returned with a grimace.

“Let me liberate you then.”

There's a flash, and all is blank. An empty cavern.

*****

Close your mind, open your heart and sing to me your follies and triumphs.

The voice echoed melodically around Her, inside of Her. Time and space were indecipherable. All that remained was Her consciousness of being conscious.

You needn’t be afraid, my love, for I am with you always

This voice, or whatever it was, She recognized it. She’d heard it before. She tried to remember from where, but Her memories came up blank, empty.

Don’t lose your faith, don’t lose your hope. They’ll try to take it but we both know, your mind is strong, though at times feels weak. It is your knowledge that they seek.

It is your knowledge that they seek? She tried to think what knowledge it could be referring to. She had no information worth seeking, not that She could recall anyhow.

Are you afraid my love?

 She gasped inaudibly, for a figure had appeared.

The figure was long, almost wispy like, yet had a solid and grounded air. She reached out to touch it, but Her fingers rested upon nothing. It was odd, this figure appeared to be in front of Her, yet around and engulfing Her at the same time.

“What are you?” She asked. Well, more like thought, to the figure.

The figure inclined its smooth head at Her. It’s eyes piercing Her knowingly, as though encouraging Her to figure it out for Herself.

“Are you a figment of my imagination, or a memory?”

Your mind is strong, though at times feels weak. It is your knowledge that they seek. The figure recited.

“I don’t understand.” She said, shaking Her head as though to rid Herself of some pestuous bug. “I don’t…”

Don’t lose your faith, don’t lose your hope. They’ll try to take it but we both know

“I don’t know.” She stated. “What do you mean?”

Close your mind, open your heart and sing to me your follies and triumphs.

“I really don’t understand what you’re telling me.” She said frowning.

You needn’t be afraid, my love, for I am with you always.

*****

“Who was that?”

She blinked. She was in a quaint room, sitting upon a cozy tan couch, a young woman sitting before Her.

“August?” She asked, looking at the woman.

“Yeah.” Said the woman. “Who was that?”

“Me.” She said.

She didn’t know how She knew, but when She said it, it felt right. But those words weren’t Hers. She couldn’t recall where they’d come from.

“You’re not bald.” August said. Then added, “Anymore.”

“I’m not tall or wispy either.” She said simply. “Memories don’t serve to recount who you are currently.”

“You talk to yourself?” August asked, tiering on incredulity.

“You don't?” She asked in the same manner.

“Not out loud I don’t.”

“I was under the impression I was in the privacy of my own mind.” She said slightly defensively.

“You still are.”

*****

5:29am

“How do you know August?”

She found herself staring at Her hands again, only now they were quite unmoving.

“That room with the couch,” She began “I’ve been there before.”

“I’m sure. How do you know August?”

“I’ve slept on that couch.” She said, ignoring the question. “It pulls out into a bed. She’d sometimes sleep with me when I was scared.”

“August?”

“She’d hold me and sing to me while I cried.”

“August?” The question was repeated and ignored as She continued Her ramble about this seemingly mysterious August woman.

“She was never aggressive, never mean. Why did She seem so offended by my talking.”

“To that voice you claimed to be yourself?” She looked up as if just realizing She wasn’t alone again.

“Yes.”

“Do you talk to yourself often?” Again, She felt that this question was being posed with heavy judgment.

“How do you think your thoughts?” She asked, mirroring the tone.

“I...well, I suppose it could sometimes be considered talking to myself too. However, I don’t do it aloud. At least not in the presence of others.”

“Why not?” She asked.

“Well, it’s considered odd, now isn’t it?”

“Must it be?” She inquired. “Who gets to decide if it’s odd. Is it not we who make judgments upon ourselves and others? And for what reason? The fear of losing our own sanity and safety?”

“Well, yes actually. We judge and assess situations around us to keep ourselves safe from potential dangers. Our hyperarousal responses are triggered when we feel threatened, even when we know we are physically safe.”

“Are you threatened by me?” She asked, nearing a smirk.

“Why would I be threatened by you?”

“You seem easily aggravated by my lack of willingness to corroborate.”

“I can’t completely conceal that it does frustrate me slightly that you won’t speak much on the matter.”

“You’re scared aren’t you?”

“Scared? No, not scared.” There was almost a mockery of laughter in how it was said.

“What then?” She asked.

“What, what?”

“What do you feel?”

“What I feel isn’t the subject of this conversation.”

“I was under the impression that conversations were free to change as the participants of said conversations changed topics.”

“They are indeed, if said participants desire to change the topics. However, I would prefer to finish this conversation out first.”

“Why?” She asked with a slight furrow creasing between her brows. “Do you feel this has been a productive use of our time? I personally feel that we've gotten nowhere.”

“And who’s fault is that?” She sensed the slightest aggravation and couldn’t help but feel a pang of elation.

“Fault?” She asked, Her voice now an almost mockery of laughter. “Why must we dish out fault? I find there’s no value in continuing this conversation for the time being as I feel unwilling to speak of which you wish to hear.”

“Fine then.” There was no hiding the temperament now. “Let me know when you’re ready to talk.”

There was a flash again and all was blank. An empty cavern.

*****

“Love are you ok?”

The voice came from Her left, so She turned her head and tried to open Her eyes. Her lids felt heavy. She blinked cautiously, and slowly a young woman's face came into focus. Her features were warm and kind, her tight curls pulled back into a puff on the top of her head.

“How are you feeling?”

“August?” She asked quietly.

“Mmhm.” August smiled softly, placing a hand on Her cheek. “Are you scared?”

She nodded, not sure if She really was or not, but it seemed easier to just nod than try to say anything. Still smiling sweetly, August wrapped her arms around Her and pulled Her in closer, their noses brushing.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She shook Her head. “Ok sweety.”

They laid there, unmoving and quiet, their breathing the only sound to puncture the silence. It wasn’t unpleasant. After some time, August slowly moved one of her hands and began stroking Her dark brown hair, appreciating the silky smoothness of it sliding through her fingers with ease.

“August?” She asked.

“Mhm?” August responded, still stroking Her hair.

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I do.” August responded, her smile faltering ever so slightly.

“August?” She asked again.

“Mhm?” August responded again.

“Why do we love?”

“Why do we love each other?” August asked, tilting her head in puzzlement.

“No. Why do we love, in general. What's the reason for it? And why is it so hard to describe? And why are there so many different kinds?”

“Darling.” August began cautiously. “You know these are questions that humankind has pondered and failed to come up with adequate answers for since forever, right?”

“Right, but that doesn’t clip my curiosity.” She said expectantly.

“No, I suppose not.” August said, sighing softly with a hint of kind laughter. “Well, for a simple answer…”

“I don't want a simple answer.” She interrupted.

“No, of course you don’t.” August smiled patiently. “But I’m gonna start there if that’s alright with you.”

She nodded, blinking slowly.

“Well, I would presume it goes back to the simple fact that all creatures’ main purpose of existence is to reproduce, and love acts as the uh...simple..? way of finding a mating partner. And I suppose that it’s hard to describe simply because humans have this conflicting desire to be understood, yet simultaneously continuously insisting that they are never understood.”

“How do you mean?” She asked.

“Well personally, I feel that humans have described love quite to the T and rather thoroughly via many means. We’ve described it through song, dance, literature, theater, etcetera, yet we continue to find new ways to describe it. We claim to be misunderstood in our love, yet when we hear others describe it, we feel so understood, do we not?”

“I suppose you’ve got a point there.” She said smiling.

“I know I have.” August said, getting up and playfully pinching Her nose. “Want me to make some breakfast?”

“No.” She said, pulling August back down.

“Oh?” August asked, giggling. “What would you like then?”

“Tell me a little more about your theories of love.” She said, a sly smile spreading Her lips. “Or better yet, show me.”

*****

5:32am

“Stop!”

“So you were lovers?”

“I...That wasn't….It’s none of your concern!” She was flustered and frustrated.

“Tell me how you met.”

“It’s none of your concern.” She repeated.

“Unfortunately, it’s my job to be of concern.”

“So you only concern yourself with what you’re paid to be concerned for?” She asked angrily.

“Absolutely not, but I do prioritize my concerns based on the urgency of what my job requires.”

“So I’m just a job to you?” She asked, scowling.

“I wasn’t aware you were desiring to be more than that..?”

“No,” She turned away. “I don’t.”

“I’m not quite sure what you want from me.” There was a pause of silence. “I can’t really help you if you don’t tell me.”

“I don’t want anything. Not from you at least.”

“Is there anyone that can help you?” Silence again. “August?”

She tilted her head to her hands and felt tears accumulating in the corner of her eyes.

“Tell me about August and I'll try to help you.”

“Why?” She asked, feeling her energy drain as She tried to hold back tears.

“I can see that you’re hurting and I want to help ease your pain.”

“Everyone has pain.” She sniffed. “I’ll get over it.”

“I find that hard to believe. Yes, everyone has pain, but it’s hard to ‘get over it’ if you can’t even discuss what ‘it’ is.”

“You don’t know me!” Her tone quickly switched to anger “You don’t know what I’ve been through You don’t understand anything that….”

“That, in fact, is my point.” There was a calmness in the way it was said that infuriated Her further. “Tell me about yourself. Tell what you’ve been through. Help me understand your struggles and pains.”

“No.” She said flatly.

“Why?”

“Because it hurts too much.”

“Let me ease your pain.”

“No.” She said again, stubbornly.

“Why?”

It all felt so pointless, these questions going in circles. She knew She was helping it none by refusing to answer the questions and move the conversation forward, but why should She? It was no one's business knowing. Well, Hers and the few others that had been there, but as She didn’t really know where they were, or who they were, She felt it was Her business and Hers alone.

And really, She didn’t need help. There was no help to be had even if She’d wanted it. She didn't. And for that matter, She was struggling to trust anyone for the given time being. Speaking felt like a trap and She was wrestling with a sense of boding that was beginning to build in Her chest every time She was asked a question.

*****

To what ends was She placed here? To no small sum was Her existence costs of utilized resources. Insignificant was Her care to the making of a better world, for She was sure to perish before it was satisfying enough for Her to wish to engage in.

“Darling?” August’s dark eyes glimmered in front of Her. “Where’d you go, love?”

“How do you mean?” She asked, confused. She hadn’t gone anywhere.

“Am I no longer pleasing enough to captivate you?” August asked, a mix of saddened playfulness in her voice.

They were lying naked, the sheets tangled between their mingled limbs.

“No, it was really quite pleasant.” She said apologetically. “My mind just feels free to wander in the safety of your touch.”

“You always know the right things to say.” August smiled and kissed Her softly.

Kissing slowly, they drew breath as though the air between them was limited. She wanted to hold August tightly to Her forever, or at least till the air between them depleted. She was safe here. They couldn’t find Her here. And they wouldn’t hurt Her as long as August was around.

She hated that. Not August. She could never hate August. Not ever. But She hated the dependency of the situation. She loved the idea of being with August forever, and gladly would give Her whole self to it, but the fact that She needed to do it was nauseating. She had promised Herself that She wouldn’t ever need a man to take care of Her. Well, She got part of that, August was no man. But that didn’t ease Her dislike for the need of a ‘protector.’

She had always delighted when adults would tell her She was so strong and self-sufficient. She'd fantasized about one day when She'd grow up and have a love to come home to, not because She needed to be home with them, but because She chose to. She had revealed the idea of being able to care for Herself, but get the privilege of having a love that She chose to come home to.

But now, She had to come back, and it wasn’t really home. At least She loved August, and August loved Her too. How awful would that be if there was no love to gain? She still didn’t really understand love, or the purpose of it, but She was grateful for it nonetheless.

“Love,” August's voice shook Her out of her daze again. “I’m not gonna lie, it feels kinda odd doing this if I feel you unengaged. I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything, and I honestly can’t tell if you want to.”

“I’m sorry.” She felt guilt dripping through Her body. “I just…”

“No love,” August said quickly, caressing Her face gently. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I just want to make sure you don’t feel pressured into anything.

“No I don’t. I promise.” She said. “I don’t know what’s going on with me.”

“That’s ok hun” August said, wrapping her arms around Her.

They lay there, naked upon the sheets. Their silence gently wrapped around them until their breaths lulled them to sleep.