I Want You Dead

“I want you to repeat after me. There is no one after me.” 

“There is no one after me.” 

“Good. Again.” 

    Dr. English had me repeat this five times. His method is you will repeat it till you believe it. The problem is I don’t, and I never will. When something traumatic happens to you, you don’t just forget it like people want you to. They’ve been telling me, “Oh it’s been four years Riley. You must move on now.” How can they tell me something like that if they’ve never stood in my shoes? 

“Look Dr. English, I’m sure you’re a great doctor…but this isn’t working for me.” I have had enough. I stood up and started gathering my belongings. 

“Ms. Parker you’re made great progress I- “I whirled around and looked at him with confusion cutting him off. 

“Progress? Progress! You call this progress? Doc…I still have nightmares about what happened to me, and it’s been four years! I’m afraid to leave my home because I think he’s still out there watching me!”

“But you made sure that he would never come after you again, didn’t you Riley?” 

    I don’t like the way he said it. It seemed like he had a hidden meaning behind it, but then again, I don’t trust anybody these days. 

“This is my last session Dr. English. I won’t be coming back.” Was my only answer as I swung my bag over my shoulder and marched my way out of his office. I left with my head held high not giving a glance to the receptionist that was looking at me expecting me to stop by her desk to set up my next appointment. Not going to happen. 

    I kept looking straight forward, even when I made it the elevator, even when I made it to the parking garage. But when I made it inside of my car, I let my head drop and I let my tears fall, my shoulders hunching up and down as I cried hard. I was tired of living this way. Even now I feel like a sitting duck, I’d rather drive around with blurry eyes than to stay here. As soon as I pulled out of the parking garage a ringing sound took over the car and when I looked on the monitor to see who was calling, I sighed and rolled my eyes. 

      It was my mother. I should have known; she calls like clockwork when she thinks my session with Dr. English was over. I took in a few deep breaths so that my voice would be even when I answered, and I tried to blink away the tears. 

“Hi mom.” 

“Hey! How did it go today?”

“Not so great.” I sighed, “I don’t think I’ll be going back.” 

“What? You can’t just quit. Your father and I have already paid for your sessions in advance. It just takes some time honey.” 

“How much more time is it supposed to take mom?” My voice wavered, “We’ve been at this for years now. All they want to do is put me on medication that makes me feel like a shell of a person. Nobody cares what I went through!” 

“Don’t say that Riley. Of course, we care, it’s why we sought out help for you.” 

“No, you don’t care mom! You all want me to pretend what he did to me didn’t happen. You want me to pretend like I don’t still feel him around, but I do! Even on the medication I feel sluggish, but I know he’s there!” By this point I was screaming, tears streaming down my face. I was just driving, not even paying attention to the road. 

“He’s not here Riley! He’s dead because you killed him!”

    There was a definite silence. What felt like minutes were only seconds of silence before I hit the end button. I didn’t feel like hearing the cliche “I’m sorry” a mother does after they’ve taken it a step too far. So, I just let the quiet consume the car and mindlessly drove. Questioning everything. 

     Was that how my mother really felt? That I was a murderer, was that how they all felt? Was my paranoia that much of a burden? I did what I had to do right? To survive. 

    But was it really all worth it in the end? I feel like he won and he’s not even here. I am constantly looking over my shoulder for a ghost. It feels like he’s watching me still. Before I could even realize it was pulling into Oak Crest cemetery. 

    I knew exactly where I was going as I drove through the gates, section 11, row D, plot 52. It read Shane Josiah Rivers, March 23, 1988-December 29, 2020. Very simple headstone for a man who caused so much chaos. I stepped out into the cold, the wind whipping around me as if it were dancing circles around me. It was the coldest day December has seen yet. December 23rd, 6 days before the anniversary of his death, 6 days before I killed him. 

    Maybe why that’s why I feel so out of my mind today, I’d want to think but I’d only be lying to myself. I’ve been out of my mind since the moment I met Shane. It wasn’t all bad of course. It never starts out that way, but then one day something just snapped. We were dating once upon a time, and it was great. 

    He made me laugh like no other. I loved the times we’d stay up till the late hours having our own karaoke nights. I used to love being held in his strong arms till it felt cluster phobic. I tried to end it, but he wasn’t getting it. He was everywhere I turned, one night it got bad though. 

       I was scared for my life. Shane had shown up at my house and he had gotten inside. All I had was a kitchen knife to defend myself with. 

“Why won’t you leave me alone Shane!” I cried holding the knife out in front of me, while Shane took slow, calculated steps towards me. 

“Why would I do that Riley?” His smile was sinister, “I love you and you love me.” 

“I don’t love you anymore.” 

     I just remember him lunging at me, I didn’t even remember stabbing him. I didn’t remember how, but my house had caught on fire, but I remember getting out. I remember standing out in the cold, watching him and the place I put so much time into burn. After that everything was choppy. My parents made sure I didn’t get in any trouble, that wasn’t hard though. 

      The courts already had documentation of the issues I was having with Shane; this went down as self-defense. I was supposed to feel free, and I did for a short time. Then one day I just got this feeling that he was around somewhere. You know how sometimes you get this feeling? Feels like static almost. 

     You mostly feel it when you feel like your loved one who has passed on is near you. That’s what I thought it was at first just Shane hunting me from the beyond. Then it became things moved out of place. Little things, like my hairbrush not being where I know I put it, my keys not being on the hook. I tried to explain this to my friends and family and at first, they were supportive. 

It was, “It’s alright to feel the way you do Riles. You’ve been through so much.” Then my paranoia became too much. Dr. English is the third doctor I’ve seen dealing with this whole ordeal. I started making my way over to his final resting place, thinking about my last moments with Shane. My boots crunching onto the now snow-covered ground. It was snow that had happened days ago, so it was now all hard and iced over in some parts, so I took my time walking over. I looked over the headstone that stood before me, that had a mixture of snow and ice laying on top of it once I made it over. I looked down on the headstone in disgusted. 

“I hate you.” I spoke tight lipped, “I hope you’re rotting in hell.” 

         I had more to say, but something sticking out from the ground knocked all the wind out of me. I started wheezing as I stared at it before looking around at my surroundings. I had to get out of here quickly, it was too open. I didn’t care about slipping on the ice anymore. I damn near sprinted to the car, not bothering to put my seatbelt on I put the car in reverse and sped out of that cemetery. 

         My hands were shaking so bad, but I couldn’t stop. Not until I got somewhere safe. I was able to hit the button on the side of my steering wheel to make a phone call. 

“Call Mya.” I was able to tell my car. 

“Hello?” 

“Mya! He’s alive! I saw it, he’s alive!” I screamed as soon as my best friend picked up. 

“What? Riley slow down. I’m not following.” 

“I went to his grave Mya, and I saw- “ 

“Riley…we’ve talked about this. It isn’t healthy.” 

“Listen to me!” I was weaving in and out of traffic, looking every which way I could to make sure he wasn’t following me, “It was there okay!”

“What was there? You’re not making any sense.”

“The rose! It was hard to see at first because it was covered with snow.”

“What does a rose have to do with anything Riley? Somebody could have left it there for him.” 

“It was a white rose.” 

“Okay…” 

“He used to buy me white roses Mya! No one else knew about this, except for you.” 

“You sure he never told anybody? He’s dead, okay? People just don’t come back from that. I mean you watched him die Riley.” 

“I know that. But something is off Mya. I need you to believe me.” Desperation and fear evident in my voice. There was a pause on the line. 

“I believe that you believe that Riley, but you’ve got to stop this. It’s going on 5 years now.” 

         She didn’t believe me and that broke my heart. I don’t know why I expected differently, maybe it was because today out of all days I needed her to just be on my side this one time. 

BEEEEEP!

         It was the sound of a car horn being laid into and I snapped back into reality just in time. I was driving in the opposite line and there was another car coming towards me. I swerved back into my lane and slammed on breaks. Making the tires screech. Luckily there wasn’t any other cars behind me, or this would have ended badly.  

“Riley! Riley!” Mya could be herd yelling through the speakers of the car.

“I’m fine.” Was the only thing I told her as I took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself. 

“Where are you? I’m coming to get you.” 

“No, no.” I replied as I slowly drove off again, being was more cautious now, “I’m okay. Don’t…don’t go out of your way. I’m just going to go home and get myself together. You all are right. I need to put this Shane mess behind me.” 

“I’ll meet you at your house. You don’t need to be alone right now.” I ignored what she said and told her I had to go before hitting the end button. 

     I’ve been doing that a lot today and it felt liberating. Why should I have to deal with people who won’t even take a second to hear me out. They just keep trying to fix me when it’s not me who needs it. I don’t know any more maybe I do need fixing. Reaching over in my bag I pulled out a pack of cigarettes. 

     I don’t smoke them often only when I’m super stressed. I lit it up and took a puff and exhaled, only closing my eyes for a second. I needed to be alert but I wanted to relish in the moment. Few moments later I pulled up to my house. Once I stepped out, I threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped on it. 

         Once I made it to the front door, I had that feeling again. That tingly feeling that someone was watching you.

“Hi Riley.” I heard from behind me. I knew that taunting voice from anywhere.

“Shane…” I whispered breathlessly 

         I didn’t want to turn around. If I turned around than this was real, but if I stayed facing my front door it was like everyone said, I was imagining things. However, luck wasn’t on my side. 

“I always did hate it when you smoked.” He continued. 

         I got the door open quickly and tried to move inside and shut him out, but he was a step ahead of me and blocked the door with his foot and pushed his way inside. I backed away slowly, scared. He had that sickening smile on his face. 

“Now Riley is that anyway to treat the man you once loved.” He said as he shut the door and locked it. Making calming movement, but this was anything but calm, “I was going to wait till the 23^rd to make my big reveal. Thought it was poetic, but I just couldn’t wait anymore baby, I had to see the look on your face up close. After the day you had and all.” 

“You’re dead. You’re not real. I-I killed you.” 

“Oh, I’m real baby. You’ve known that all along. Too bad no one believes you.” He said as he walked over to me and caressed my cheek softly. While I stood against the wall shaking like a leaf, “Don’t be scared baby. You weren’t scared the night you tried to kill me.” 

“You were trying to kill me first.” His eyes changed when I said that. They went from sinister to realization. 

“You don’t remember? Do you?” 

“Remember what” I muttered. 

“It was you who tried to kill me, Riley. All because I didn’t want to be with you anymore.” This revelation sucked the soul out of me. This can’t be right. Right?

“I-I remember you chasing me…you telling me that if you couldn’t have me, I might as well die. Why were you in my house if I was trying to kill you?” 

“Those were the words you told me Riley. You stabbed me yes, but not because you were scared for your life, it was because I was trying to leave out of the door. I had my hand on the doorknob and you stabbed me in the back. I tried to wrestle you for the knife we knocked over your candle I guess it caught fire to something. I don’t really remember that part. I just remember you stabbing me again and laying there pretending to be dead. After you were out, I got out of there.”  

         I shook my head in denial. My head was spinning from this information. I mean I know there were parts I couldn’t remember, but did I make the rest of this up? Did I just fill in the blanks with my own imagination? If that was the case, why was he at my house that day? Why is he at my house now?