On Death and Dating

I was taken by surprise when Heidi asked me out. “Taken by surprise” here means “positively and absolutely shattered into pieces by the sheer ludicrousness of it” of course. It’s not every day the head cheerleader randomly asks out the captain of the Mathletes. Besides, I was under the impression she was still dating Neil, even though he had left for a semester abroad out of the blue. For a second, I wondered whether this was for a disturbing Carrie-like prank, but she seemed sincere. Cheerleaders usually date actual athletes, and secretly I wished to be one, even though I was most definitely no football player. Coach Fields would never give me a chance.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while Leo” she said, standing by my locker with her platinum ponytail resting against the metallic surface of the door. “The two of us would make for a perfect fit, I’m sure of it. I totally see us going to prom together.”

“I’m not sure what to say Heidi,” I replied clumsily. “I would love to go out with you, it’s just… we’ve never really spoken before.”

“Of course we spoke before.”

“When?”

“In my dreams. Many times.”

My body froze. Seriously, I couldn’t move at all. It was like sleep paralysis, but wide awake. The good kind of sleep paralysis, not the one that makes you feel like a demon is sitting on your chest.

“I guess I’ll take the silence as a yes?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

With Herculean efforts, I finally managed to unlock my jaw muscles. “Of course, we should totally go on a date.”

“Wonderful. I’d like you to meet my father first.”

“Your father?”

“Yes, that’s what I just said.”

“Isn’t that a bit… premature? Maybe we should get to know each other first.”

“Don’t worry, I know meeting a girl’s father seems like this big thing for a guy, but mine won’t eat you, I promise. He’s the nicest man you’ll ever meet.”

“Alright then. A date with your father it is.”

“Perfect. Here’s the address. Be there at eight sharp.”

She pulled a piece of paper out of her purse and handed it over to me, then ran away down the hall in less time than it took for the rest of my limbs to become functional. I unfolded the paper and read the address. It was unfamiliar, and in a totally different neighborhood than where I thought she lived. I googled it out of curiosity. This couldn’t be right: the search returned Charon Cemetery.

***

Heidi had brought a picnic in her wicker basket. She spread the gingham tablecloth over her father’s grave and pulled out cheese and wine. I won’t lie, the whole thing felt quite awkward, but then again, what do I know? Maybe the cool kids did this all the time. It was my first date, so I could easily imagine cheerleaders brought their hunky quarterback boyfriends in graveyards on a regular basis. Nobody really knows what goes on after football games.

“Do you want some wine?” she asked.

“I’m not sure it’s appropriate,” I replied. “Mom always says underage drinking is a bad idea.”

“Your mom isn’t here now, is she?”

“Won’t it bother your… dad? You know, boys typically don’t make a good first impression with fathers when they drink over their graves.”

“Dad was an alcoholic, he died from cirrhosis of the liver. He’s not one to judge.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be, it’s in the past. Here, drink.”

She filled up a cup and shoved it in my hand. This was also my first time drinking. There’s a first time for everything they say. I quickly learned red wine wasn’t my thing. Truth be told, the taste was beyond nauseating.

“Taste the cheese,” she insisted. “So, how are the Mathletes doing this season?”

“We don’t really do competitions, it’s more of an intramural organization.”

“That must be very exciting.”

“Our meetings are definitely the highlight of my week. How about you, do you lead a lot of cheers?”

“Lots and lots. Cheers galore.”

“Great.”

Silence settled. I didn’t know how awkward a conversation could be until this very moment. For a second, I wished to relive my father’s Birds and Bees talk, should it save me from the excruciating situation I found myself in. I desperately needed to find something to talk about, anything really. A mason jar on the tablecloth filled with a semi-translucent pinkish liquid caught my eye. My hand reached for it.

“Can I try this? Mom always says I’m a fruity kind of person when she makes me an orange-juice-and-grenadine cocktail.”

“DON’T!”

My fingers instantly recoiled. Heidi seized the jar at lightning speed.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I didn’t know it would be a problem.”

“It’s not a drink, it’s the potion.”

“Potion? What potion?”

“Let me show you.”

She unsealed the jar and poured its contents over the grave. Nothing happened. For a second, that is. Then, a green hand tore through the earth and proceed to pull itself out along with the body that was attached to it. I’m a pretty brave guy usually. Mom always lets me take care of the spiders in the attic. I screamed though. I screamed pretty loudly.

“What the hell?”

“Don’t worry, it’s just my dad. I told you, we came here so you could meet him.”

“He’s dead! Your father is dead!”

“If you think that will stop him from screening my boyfriend, you don’t know him.”

Soon, the whole zombified body had risen from the grave. The man’s pale face turned towards my shivering body. He scanned me from head to toe.

“Is that your new boyfriend sweetie?” he asked in a deep, undead voice.

“Yes dad. Just like you asked, I went for brains instead of muscles this time.”

“I was thinking more of an in-between. There’s barely any muscle here. It’s like a walking skeleton. Heck, I’ve been dead for years and I have more muscle left.”

“Don’t underestimate him daddy. He’s captain of the intramural Mathlete team.”

“Is that an achievement?”

“My math teacher says it is, in a sad but rather promising way.”

“If she says so.”

I kept steady eye contact with my new father-in-law. Not that I had any choice really, the wide-awake sleep paralysis had returned. The kind that feels like a demon is sitting on your chest this time. That night, I did learn something new: my recurring paralysis could be cured with a rush of adrenaline. I realized this when the zombie lunged forward to bite my leg. My muscles activated instantly, and I was able to dodge the bite just in time.

“Dad!” screamed Heidi. “I promised Leo you wouldn’t eat him.”

“I’m sorry, sweetie. He’s no better than the last one you brought, I figured I could give it a try.”

“You can’t keep eating my boyfriends, that’s not how things work.”

Dating a cheerleader was great; not to the point of accepting to be the meal on the next picnic menu though. I ran away as fast as my freshly unparalysed muscles would allow. Coach Fields saw me dashing out of the cemetery and was impressed enough to give me a shot on the track team – hey, at least one good thing came out of my first date. The other students on the team confirmed what I suspected all along: graveyard dates weren’t normal, even for the cool kids. I’m steady with Millicent from the chess club now. Her father is the principal. He’s terrifying, but at least he’s alive.